Post by Huntress on Dec 6, 2009 14:52:14 GMT -5
Blarf
From the personal collections and observations of the Pirate Guild.
Scientific classification
- doesn't exist, because scientists don't know he exists, but if they did, it should look something like:
Kingdom: Animalia, or quite possibly Eldritch Abomination, we're not sure.
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: No freakin' clue
Family: Trust me, this won't be getting any more informative.
Range
- comes from a tiny little island somewhere in the we-won't-tell-you, considering how we've hidden loot there. Besides, the island hosts his entire race, all of which is spiky and tentacle-y. Stay away.
Overall seems to prefer the tropical climate, but has proven his durability in sub-zero conditions.
Blarf can either refer to the pet kraken of the crew of the White Weewoo or the entire blarf species. This article focuses on the former definition. He's basically our kraken (the word 'kraken' here being used in the sense of a job description) and looks rather like an oversized cross between a dachshund and an armadillo, if you added six paws, tentacles and spikes to the mix.
Etymology
The name 'blarf' was given to him - and his entire species - after the distinctive 'blarf' sounds they make. If this'd been a group of scientists to run into him, he might be named something like the Sixfoot now, but us humble pirates aren't as creative, so Blarf it is.
History
Seriously, we have no idea where they come from. Not only did the entire race (actually species, but we did say that we're no scientists) live on a fairly small isolated island, but they don't seem to have anything in common with any of the other species on the planet (well, they do, but they seem to have things in common with entirely different animals). We're assuming that evolution passed this one up and let a random elder god handle this.
We found the blarf species in an underground temple of uber doom and cliches where they served as guardians and convenient food source for the primary guardian of the ancient treasure, a Sue named Kassandra Amethyst Moonbeam. After defeating the Sue, we freed the blarfs and most of them remained roaming free on the island, although considering how well they swim, it's possible that they've spread by now. Our blarf, however, was the one we'd encountered and befriended first, and he opted for coming along for the ride. Since then, he's been following our ship around and helping us in battles.
He played an important role at times in the second Guilds' War, first when putting out the fire on the White Weewoo, then taking Speck to the rest of the guilds, taking part in the Castle Kestrel battle, aiding the crew in their escape from the released ancient guilds and finally in the Battle of the Iceberg.
When he isn't hanging around with us in plot-important stuff, his main objective is to protect the ship.
Biology
When we found him, he was roughly the size of a big horse but has since grown like a tree. He has a thick black coat of fur that makes the actual shape of his body hard to figure out, but we know for a fact that underneath that lumpy-ish look, he's mostly muscle. He's currently about 40 feet in length and is estimated to weigh around 25,000 pounds. We have no idea whether or not it's normal for a male blarf his age (it's reasonable to believe that he gets more exercise than most blarfs), but for now that's the best data we have.
The blarf is notable for his unique skeletal structure. He has an elongated ribcage and two pairs of front legs, and his back is covered in tentacles that, as far as we can tell, are simply a number of extra spines covered in a simple layer of muscle and skin (none of that suction cup thing, that's for cephalopod limbs). The metal spikes and patches covering his back and tail have nothing to do with his skeleton: he grows them from scratch, using any bits of metal he's eaten. As he grew bigger, he specifically sought out food containing metal in order to grow new and bigger spikes that'd serve its duty as a defense mechanism on his larger back. It was a grim period for many a knight we ran into when looting coastal towns.
He has 28 claws in total (five on each front leg, four on the hind legs) and a triangular mouth filled with three rows of fangs that work much like shark fangs: he regrows any that he loses for one reason or other. As such, they're not particularly strong fangs and if possible, he prefers to swallow his food whole.
He's not aquatic by nature, despite popular belief, but he has thick rubbery skin and relatively big lungs so he can remain underwater for a long time. Since he spends most of his time swimming, his diet consists mostly of seafood and he seems to prefer sharks and dolphins.
The blarf's skin is highly resistant to projectiles of any kind: pistols, cannonshots, even lasers if his fur is soggy, and it mostly is. He's vulnerable to cuts and stabs, but due to his size, it's not easy for anyone to reach anything crucial before they get eaten in a not very nice manner.
Behavior
Because of his size and the fact that he's difficult to harm, he's relatively friendly and docile, which is just a fancy way of saying 'a freakin' harmless soppy really'. His usual initial reaction upon seeing something new is trying to play with it (if he's not hungry) or eat it (if he is). Okay, so maybe not that harmless. But due to his plentiful seafood diet and extensive training, he usually avoids eating people unless told so by the crew. When he does get harmed, his primary defensive reaction is curling up in a tight ball with all the spikes and plating pointing outwards and waiting until danger passes. If it doesn't pass, he attacks by rolling himself towards the danger in a twelve-ton ball of spikes and heavy fur, and if that doesn't help either, he uncurls and goes all the way with claws and fangs.
The blarf is omnivorous to the extreme, although he doesn't eat everything indiscriminately. Rather, he tastes anything new first in order to determine whether it qualifies as food. However, once he's already filed something as 'food', he remains seeing it as such. Humans, by the way, are filed under 'food' already. He was trained to think otherwise, which is to say that he's mostly a bunch of suppressed instincts when he's near people and hungry. Having a treat in the pocket when around him is strongly advised.
The tentacles on his back, albeit mobile and fairly strong, aren't used much even in direct battle. He prefers to kick people away rather than capture them if he's going to use the tentacles at all. Their main function seems to be helping the blarf in climbing and to get upright when fallen on his back, although they also seem to do a good job steering underwater.
Adaptation
Like aquatic mammals, the blarf, being forced to spend most of his time in the ocean, sleeps on the surface. When we're near land and it's not populated, he prefers to go sleep there, although he doesn't seem to like to wander farther than a mile or two from the ship. He can also climb with some difficulty (which is to say, if his claws and tentacles are good enough against the obstacle) but doesn't seem to like it much and seeks for a detour if possible. He can take extreme conditions, both heat and cold, and also rather strong pressure changes. There are four small rudimentary wings on his back that move but aren't otherwise good for anything, so we're assuming that they were once able to fly if necessary.
Intelligence
Oh yeah, and he can talk. Or something like that.
The blarf can understand human language - whether or not he's willing to listen or comply is always another matter - and is sharper than his usual demeanor lets on. He has two different voices and voice emission methods. One is the usual system of tongue and vocal chords, used to make the distinctive blarf-sounds that remind of the voice of a big dog stuck in a basement. His vocal chords don't enable speech. When he needs to speak, he opens his mouth and lets out a low wail from the depths of his body that sound like at least three voices that were bound together, tortured in the depths of Hell and now managed to escape with nothing but revenge on their minds. We have no idea what causes this and how he does this, and we quite honestly don't ever want to find out. Either way, when he does that, he can speak coherently; the only problem is that this voice (or voices) is very slow and thus he takes a long time saying a simple sentence. As such, he avoids talking unless he really has no other choice, and when he does, we usually let Bloody Mary listen to him, because he's the best we have at stringing his sounds together into a sentence.
Most commonly, he uses this second method to say 'food'. Or rather, 'fooooooooooood'. Depending on the context, this may mean 'I found food' or 'I want food'. Either way, if you hear it nearby, you're screwed.
See also
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. We may not know everything about him - and some things we just don't want to know - but we can at least hazard a guess.
References
Know those lists of references every single stupid academic essay must have? Well, this thing here is what they should refer to, should anyone ever write an essay on the blarf. Unless they, of course, want to study the blarf in person. Hint: poking and saying 'croikey' will be a bad idea.
Until then, this thread gives some extensive information on our blarf.
From the personal collections and observations of the Pirate Guild.
This article is about the Pirate Guild's pet kraken. For the feeling you get when you're really, really drunk and about to pass out, see your local bartender.
Scientific classification
- doesn't exist, because scientists don't know he exists, but if they did, it should look something like:
Kingdom: Animalia, or quite possibly Eldritch Abomination, we're not sure.
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: No freakin' clue
Family: Trust me, this won't be getting any more informative.
Range
- comes from a tiny little island somewhere in the we-won't-tell-you, considering how we've hidden loot there. Besides, the island hosts his entire race, all of which is spiky and tentacle-y. Stay away.
Overall seems to prefer the tropical climate, but has proven his durability in sub-zero conditions.
Blarf can either refer to the pet kraken of the crew of the White Weewoo or the entire blarf species. This article focuses on the former definition. He's basically our kraken (the word 'kraken' here being used in the sense of a job description) and looks rather like an oversized cross between a dachshund and an armadillo, if you added six paws, tentacles and spikes to the mix.
Etymology
The name 'blarf' was given to him - and his entire species - after the distinctive 'blarf' sounds they make. If this'd been a group of scientists to run into him, he might be named something like the Sixfoot now, but us humble pirates aren't as creative, so Blarf it is.
History
Seriously, we have no idea where they come from. Not only did the entire race (actually species, but we did say that we're no scientists) live on a fairly small isolated island, but they don't seem to have anything in common with any of the other species on the planet (well, they do, but they seem to have things in common with entirely different animals). We're assuming that evolution passed this one up and let a random elder god handle this.
We found the blarf species in an underground temple of uber doom and cliches where they served as guardians and convenient food source for the primary guardian of the ancient treasure, a Sue named Kassandra Amethyst Moonbeam. After defeating the Sue, we freed the blarfs and most of them remained roaming free on the island, although considering how well they swim, it's possible that they've spread by now. Our blarf, however, was the one we'd encountered and befriended first, and he opted for coming along for the ride. Since then, he's been following our ship around and helping us in battles.
He played an important role at times in the second Guilds' War, first when putting out the fire on the White Weewoo, then taking Speck to the rest of the guilds, taking part in the Castle Kestrel battle, aiding the crew in their escape from the released ancient guilds and finally in the Battle of the Iceberg.
When he isn't hanging around with us in plot-important stuff, his main objective is to protect the ship.
Biology
When we found him, he was roughly the size of a big horse but has since grown like a tree. He has a thick black coat of fur that makes the actual shape of his body hard to figure out, but we know for a fact that underneath that lumpy-ish look, he's mostly muscle. He's currently about 40 feet in length and is estimated to weigh around 25,000 pounds. We have no idea whether or not it's normal for a male blarf his age (it's reasonable to believe that he gets more exercise than most blarfs), but for now that's the best data we have.
The blarf is notable for his unique skeletal structure. He has an elongated ribcage and two pairs of front legs, and his back is covered in tentacles that, as far as we can tell, are simply a number of extra spines covered in a simple layer of muscle and skin (none of that suction cup thing, that's for cephalopod limbs). The metal spikes and patches covering his back and tail have nothing to do with his skeleton: he grows them from scratch, using any bits of metal he's eaten. As he grew bigger, he specifically sought out food containing metal in order to grow new and bigger spikes that'd serve its duty as a defense mechanism on his larger back. It was a grim period for many a knight we ran into when looting coastal towns.
He has 28 claws in total (five on each front leg, four on the hind legs) and a triangular mouth filled with three rows of fangs that work much like shark fangs: he regrows any that he loses for one reason or other. As such, they're not particularly strong fangs and if possible, he prefers to swallow his food whole.
He's not aquatic by nature, despite popular belief, but he has thick rubbery skin and relatively big lungs so he can remain underwater for a long time. Since he spends most of his time swimming, his diet consists mostly of seafood and he seems to prefer sharks and dolphins.
The blarf's skin is highly resistant to projectiles of any kind: pistols, cannonshots, even lasers if his fur is soggy, and it mostly is. He's vulnerable to cuts and stabs, but due to his size, it's not easy for anyone to reach anything crucial before they get eaten in a not very nice manner.
Behavior
Because of his size and the fact that he's difficult to harm, he's relatively friendly and docile, which is just a fancy way of saying 'a freakin' harmless soppy really'. His usual initial reaction upon seeing something new is trying to play with it (if he's not hungry) or eat it (if he is). Okay, so maybe not that harmless. But due to his plentiful seafood diet and extensive training, he usually avoids eating people unless told so by the crew. When he does get harmed, his primary defensive reaction is curling up in a tight ball with all the spikes and plating pointing outwards and waiting until danger passes. If it doesn't pass, he attacks by rolling himself towards the danger in a twelve-ton ball of spikes and heavy fur, and if that doesn't help either, he uncurls and goes all the way with claws and fangs.
The blarf is omnivorous to the extreme, although he doesn't eat everything indiscriminately. Rather, he tastes anything new first in order to determine whether it qualifies as food. However, once he's already filed something as 'food', he remains seeing it as such. Humans, by the way, are filed under 'food' already. He was trained to think otherwise, which is to say that he's mostly a bunch of suppressed instincts when he's near people and hungry. Having a treat in the pocket when around him is strongly advised.
The tentacles on his back, albeit mobile and fairly strong, aren't used much even in direct battle. He prefers to kick people away rather than capture them if he's going to use the tentacles at all. Their main function seems to be helping the blarf in climbing and to get upright when fallen on his back, although they also seem to do a good job steering underwater.
Adaptation
Like aquatic mammals, the blarf, being forced to spend most of his time in the ocean, sleeps on the surface. When we're near land and it's not populated, he prefers to go sleep there, although he doesn't seem to like to wander farther than a mile or two from the ship. He can also climb with some difficulty (which is to say, if his claws and tentacles are good enough against the obstacle) but doesn't seem to like it much and seeks for a detour if possible. He can take extreme conditions, both heat and cold, and also rather strong pressure changes. There are four small rudimentary wings on his back that move but aren't otherwise good for anything, so we're assuming that they were once able to fly if necessary.
Intelligence
Oh yeah, and he can talk. Or something like that.
The blarf can understand human language - whether or not he's willing to listen or comply is always another matter - and is sharper than his usual demeanor lets on. He has two different voices and voice emission methods. One is the usual system of tongue and vocal chords, used to make the distinctive blarf-sounds that remind of the voice of a big dog stuck in a basement. His vocal chords don't enable speech. When he needs to speak, he opens his mouth and lets out a low wail from the depths of his body that sound like at least three voices that were bound together, tortured in the depths of Hell and now managed to escape with nothing but revenge on their minds. We have no idea what causes this and how he does this, and we quite honestly don't ever want to find out. Either way, when he does that, he can speak coherently; the only problem is that this voice (or voices) is very slow and thus he takes a long time saying a simple sentence. As such, he avoids talking unless he really has no other choice, and when he does, we usually let Bloody Mary listen to him, because he's the best we have at stringing his sounds together into a sentence.
Most commonly, he uses this second method to say 'food'. Or rather, 'fooooooooooood'. Depending on the context, this may mean 'I found food' or 'I want food'. Either way, if you hear it nearby, you're screwed.
See also
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. We may not know everything about him - and some things we just don't want to know - but we can at least hazard a guess.
References
Know those lists of references every single stupid academic essay must have? Well, this thing here is what they should refer to, should anyone ever write an essay on the blarf. Unless they, of course, want to study the blarf in person. Hint: poking and saying 'croikey' will be a bad idea.
Until then, this thread gives some extensive information on our blarf.
