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Post by Dan on May 9, 2006 16:47:14 GMT -5
The Five Sacred Stones of Geraptiku: Part Three by Dan I actually really like how the council members are so divided on what to do. (There are far to many -ally words in that sentence.) I also like how both sides have a logical reason for siding the way they have. I do wish, though, that we got to see more on Jake's thought process as to why he decided to volunteer the way he did. So far it's shaping up to be pretty interesting next chapter. *grin* Thanks! You don't know how appreciative I am. ;D |
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Post by nikki on May 9, 2006 17:17:35 GMT -5
Eeep x.x I never even realized that! That's just a dumb mistake I made  I must've been distracted by something and forgot that I'd said that earlier. Gosh, I'm so dumb ._. -smacks forehead- |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2006 17:29:28 GMT -5
The Many Uses of Plot - Altador
Get this out of the way: Desert Lupes pwn!
This is a fresh idea for an article. It was very informative, didn't repeat itself, and truly plays up the positive side of the plot board. Warnings for newbies is a good thing to add and listing all the different things increases the chances of the board appealing to multiple people. I learned a lot from reading this piece.
The only criticism I have is I don't think the title matches the subject matter exactly. I expected the article to be about the different good reasons for plots or something. I think I would have put "Board" in the title somewhere.
Good job!
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More reviews coming later!
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2006 17:46:04 GMT -5
A Day in the Life of a Health Nut
Yay! Your first short story! I like hard-working Uncle Veg and Aliya's change from thinking health food is boring to loving it. I also liked, being a chocolate girl myself, that you qualified that junk food isn't always bad and can make a great snack, but healthy food is better.
Of course I have the same comment about the chocolate. Actually, the whole chocolate thing kind of confused me because if she'd never tasted it before how did she know she'd like it? Why does she spend so much time dreaming about something she doesn't know about?
One other little thing: "Once they were all gone, he collapsed into the chair behind his desk and heaved a great sigh." Since you're telling this story from Aliyah's point of view, it doesn't really work to stick in this sentence from Mr. Gray's point of view. In longer novels it can be effective if your POV keeps switching, but to just add this in isn't effective and it's not really important to the story anyway.
Other than those two things, one of which is very nitpicky, it was a cute story with a strong point. Great first story! I told you that you should give it a try!
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Desert Lupes pwn!
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2006 18:14:53 GMT -5
Chronicles of the Mahirmai Khan: Lost*claps* Yay, Nim! I remembered this story of course, but I read it again to see what you'd changed. I can't really tell why the ending is so different now but it fits just right. It made my eyes water a little. Lovely story. I already told you all the things I liked about it, but I'll tell you again.  I love your descriptions that fit right in with Neopia: how the river looked like a Wadget, how Jigsagh chases a Snowbunny, etc. I also am impressed with your ability to stay true to your main character. He doesn't know what cheese is, he's never heard of Darigan, he thinks red is a rare color, along with lots of other interesting tidbits. Love this story; it does Azureyigh justice.  -- Desert Lupes rule! Silly dare...
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Post by nikki on May 9, 2006 18:28:00 GMT -5
A Day in the Life of a Health NutYay! Your first short story! I like hard-working Uncle Veg and Aliya's change from thinking health food is boring to loving it. I also liked, being a chocolate girl myself, that you qualified that junk food isn't always bad and can make a great snack, but healthy food is better. Of course I have the same comment about the chocolate. Actually, the whole chocolate thing kind of confused me because if she'd never tasted it before how did she know she'd like it? Why does she spend so much time dreaming about something she doesn't know about? One other little thing: "Once they were all gone, he collapsed into the chair behind his desk and heaved a great sigh." Since you're telling this story from Aliyah's point of view, it doesn't really work to stick in this sentence from Mr. Gray's point of view. In longer novels it can be effective if your POV keeps switching, but to just add this in isn't effective and it's not really important to the story anyway. Other than those two things, one of which is very nitpicky, it was a cute story with a strong point. Great first story! I told you that you should give it a try! -- Desert Lupes pwn! Thanks for the review! I see what you mean about the POV, too. Thanks  Glad you like it |
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Post by Random Cameo Neotomi on May 11, 2006 6:32:48 GMT -5
thanks for the reviews! ^^
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Post by Nut on May 11, 2006 21:11:58 GMT -5
The reviews threads seem to be back to their normal length after that spectacular eight-pager, though I’m pretty sure the recent crunch with two issues right after each other is part of that. Anyhow, here I come with late reviews. I think I’m becoming an almost exclusive comics reviewer… A Few Comic Reviews[glow=blue,2,300] Clash of the Pink Bobble-Heads [/glow] Heh, nice title. XD Baby pets do look like bobbleheads… especially that Draik. XD The joke is really cute and clever. Having him smash the gun instead of Boochi’s head was a great, funny twist. I really like the second panel of this comic. Boochi’s expression is great, though my favorite part of it is the Draik. The little puffs of smoke he’s snorting are a cute little detail, and I love his determined expression! Having him dragging the mallet is great—it subtly emphasizes his new baby form. The Draik’s little windup pose in the third panel is fun to see, and I liked how Boochi’s bracing himself. And I must say that I liked Boochi’s expression in the last panel. Poor baby. XD (Does he have a black eye there, too?) I would’ve liked to see the Draik transform into a baby. When I first read the comic, it looked to me like the Draik was already Baby when Boochi shot the gun. Maybe you could’ve added a little flash or lines to show that he’d been hit by the ray, or show him shrinking into a baby, just to make that clearer. I think the broken ray gun in the last panel should’ve had some more pieces or perhaps a few bigger pieces that would clearly have come from the ray gun, because it looked to me like brightly colored bits of confetti the first time I read it.  That might just be me, though. Oh, and I would’ve liked it if you’d redrawn the Draik’s face in the last panel; having the exact same expression two panels in a row is a bit tiring, and I don’t know if the squinted eye look fit that panel so well. You do a good job with the copy-and-paste for most of the comic, though. All in all, I liked this comic! ^^ Good job! [glow=blue,2,300] Notions and Nonsense [/glow] Heh, I remember this joke. XD Nice wordplay. Considering how often I find dung in the soup, I’m not surprised that the faerie has flies on hand! The art is cute—simple, but effective. I like how you drew the Soup Faerie. And the Quiggle is really cute. ^^ I especially like his happy expression in the second panel. Have I mentioned that I adore Quiggles? Having QT walking away with the soup in the first panel is cute. I like how the white steam lines rising from the soup transfer from the ladle to the bowl, and I like how you stuck N&N’s characters into the comic despite its focus being on the Quiggle. ^^ The sides of the bowls were pretty straight compared to the bowls I’m used to, and at first gave me the impression that the bowls were cakes. That could just be me, though. Oh, and I notice that the bowls have conflicting shading. n:P The top of the bowls are highlighted on the right side, but the darker bottom part is shaded on the same side! Just a nitpicky detail, heh. I do like that you seem to have been paying some attention to your light source (the windows) when you shaded it. ^^ Overall, a cute comic! ^^ [glow=blue,2,300] Cooking Secrets [/glow] Wahaha! XDD I can sympathize with Shad. XD I really love your backgrounds. :3 That scene with the shop and counters and wandering pets really sets the stage. I love the little counter with all the Spooky Food, and Saura and Echo each examining their respective foods with a critical eye. :3 Those little Deviled Steaks are great. I know he’s holding it up, but it almost looks like that one is flying away and Echo is giving it a firm glare as if to say “Stay down!” XD I recognized Echo right away—I like how you draw his expressions. I love the expressions in the fourth panel especially—Echo and Saura talking so happily, and Shad there with his eyes bulging and his cheek turning green, like he’s thinking “Didn’t I just eat a croissant this morning?” XD Love it! The placement of the word balloons got a little confusing in a couple of places. I agree that it’s hard to tell that Shad is saying the “crosseyed” comment in the second panel, and Shad’s word balloon in the first panel could be seen as pointing to the background Kacheek’s mouth. Also, the “first of all, it’s girly” comment would make more sense if he said something like “last of all” or “worst of all”. Generally, “first of all” is something you say at the start of a thought. Something about Shad’s final remark also bothers me a little—I think it’d sound more forceful if you used a more definite statement, like “I’m ordering…”, changing it from “I will” to “I am”, and not using the word “go”/“going” twice to avoid sounding repetitive. But that’s really nitpicky. In all, I loved this comic! It was really funny, and Echo’s appearance was fun to see, too. ^^ [glow=blue,2,300] Slorg Randomness [/glow] Hah, poor Slorg. I’m not a big fan of jokes about pet colors, but the Slorg’s dialogue seems to have anticipated this, and I get some humor just out of that. I like the little over-cheery girl in the corner; it reads like one of those advertisements. XD I have to agree with Nimras about the Slorg’s expression. It almost seems like the Slorg’s face is split into two parts. o_0 It’s a cute comic, though, and takes advantage of the dullness of most pet color jokes by playing off of it. Hmm… I’d like to say more, but it all seems rather straightforward to me and there’s not much I can nitpick on. It’s a cute comic. ^^ |
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Post by JB on May 11, 2006 21:16:51 GMT -5
reviews for my story, "The Dark before the Dawn II: My Other Half" would be greatly appreciated ^_^
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Post by Nimras on May 12, 2006 16:00:24 GMT -5
The Dark Before the Dawn II: My Other Half: Parts One and Two by Jambammer
Very cute picture. I really like how Dri is so protective of the rest of the clan. Cream and Sugar's names are adorable. *grin* I really like the basic concept of the story and the characters. Something seems a little... off... in the phrasing on some of the sentences (especially on some of the descriptions) but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Maybe it's an occasional tense shift or something. Or it could be entirely in my head, that's been known to happen too. *grin*
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Post by Nimras on May 12, 2006 16:01:51 GMT -5
Chronicles of the Mahirmai Khan: Lost*claps* Yay, Nim! I remembered this story of course, but I read it again to see what you'd changed. I can't really tell why the ending is so different now but it fits just right. It made my eyes water a little. Lovely story. I already told you all the things I liked about it, but I'll tell you again. I love your descriptions that fit right in with Neopia: how the river looked like a Wadget, how Jigsagh chases a Snowbunny, etc. I also am impressed with your ability to stay true to your main character. He doesn't know what cheese is, he's never heard of Darigan, he thinks red is a rare color, along with lots of other interesting tidbits. Love this story; it does Azureyigh justice. -- Desert Lupes rule! Silly dare... Thank you Luau! Yikes, this week's reviews have been slow. Only three reviewers? |
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2006 12:08:29 GMT -5
I only skimmed this week's. I think everyone is playing catch up with 237. |
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Post by Tashni on May 15, 2006 21:46:06 GMT -5
Chronicles of the Mahirmai Khan: Lost by nimras23
The first thing I thought was "what is a khan?" I figured it out eventually, but it would have been nice to have it spelled out. ^_~
Oh, I love the names! It gives a great sense of an exotic culture, one that is very different from our own. It was also great that you made Neopia an actual geographical place that one can travel across, not just a bunch of worlds seperate from each other. Not many stories these days explore that.
Raghidmab was a very interesting character, and I loved his interactions with Jigsagh. But, when he learned that Azure was alive, I thought he was awfully calm. Yes, you SAID he was excited and couldn't hold it in, but I didn't SEE any evidence of that. Also, he sees Azure for what, 5 min and leaves? I though for sure he'd want to stay a day or more with him. Although you know Raghidmab and his culture better than I do. ^_^
Overall, this was a very interesting and creative story. There were several technical problems, but I'll just point out some things in your first paragraph.
Use a semicolon, not a comma.
Comma after "own," because as it is the punctuation says you are refering to WHERE he is scouting.
Comma after "explore," because as it is the punctuation means "he loved . . . keeping track of the khan's four cubs cut back on exploring time." Obviously, that doesn't make sense. ^_^
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Post by Nimras on May 16, 2006 20:25:01 GMT -5
I actually have a whole paragraph about that on Koko's petpage... *grin* Short exerpt: "'Khan' is Mongolian for Clan. I visualize the Endless Plains lupe culture to be Clan based. Most people think of Genghis Khan when hearing the word Khan. Genghis Khan's real name was Temujin, Genghis Khan means "Supreme Ruler" as in "King of all the Khans". I guess he got what he wanted, because to this day he's known throughout the world as "Supreme Ruler"." I did want to more into Raghidmab's reaction, but I ran out of space. Dumb 4K word limit. I swore that I wouldn't turn this short story into a series.... A lot of it does have to do with the culture too; strong emotion isn't shown in public. If I'd written in his trip home, you'd have seen a lot of whooping and kicking up of the heals. ;D |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2006 23:20:00 GMT -5
I wanted to sincerely thank those that reviewed my baby bobble head comic. ;D I am still learning how to take criticism so this is verrrrry good for me.. I need to toughen up a little, and this seems like the perfect place to get that growth. I've much to learn. Ame. |
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neo username - dan4884 
I must've been distracted by something and forgot that I'd said that earlier. Gosh, I'm so dumb ._. -smacks forehead-
I love your descriptions that fit right in with Neopia: how the river looked like a Wadget, how Jigsagh chases a Snowbunny, etc. I also am impressed with your ability to stay true to your main character. He doesn't know what cheese is, he's never heard of Darigan, he thinks red is a rare color, along with lots of other interesting tidbits. Love this story; it does Azureyigh justice. 
Glad you like it 
That might just be me, though. Oh, and I would’ve liked it if you’d redrawn the Draik’s face in the last panel; having the exact same expression two panels in a row is a bit tiring, and I don’t know if the squinted eye look fit that panel so well. You do a good job with the copy-and-paste for most of the comic, though. 
