Issue 231 Reviews

[Deleted]

tashni said:

Walk the Plank: Part Two by Puppy

I'm glad you quickly pulled me back into the action, a necessary thing in a series.

The journal will be a nice way to explore who Darkwing is, and I looked forward to reading it from the instant you introduce it.

The scene where Darkwing robs the bank is interesting, but I really would have liked to see more of Diran's thoughts. What's he doing to resist Darkwing? Does he panic at the sight of the guard? Is he relieved when the guard isn't injured? You get the picture. Another thing that is puzzling me is why Diran isn't more concerned with why he's Darkwing or how to get out of him.

I like the idea of the fight scene, but there are a couple places where it is unclear just what is going on.

Darkwing wasn't sure how it happened, but the next time he took his eyes off the Pteri, they were up in the crow's nest!

I had to read this twice, because in the middle of the action they're at one moment on deck and the next in the crow's nest! A little more explanation of how they got up there would be great. A simple, "the swordfighters kept climbing higher and higher up ladders and above the ship that Darkwing soon found himself battling the Pteri in the crow's nest" would have worked. Something like that, anyway.

He moved to swing yet again, but the force of the swing made the sword fly straight out of his hands and tumble to the deck.

Who is this refering to? Darkwing or the Pteri? It becomes evident in the next sentence, but nonetheless I should know from this sentence.

Overall, a chapter that certainly advances the plot. I just think you could have done more in the description area both physically and mentally. But you do keep in the setting with descriptions like, "lumpy bead, still-slick deck, grape grog," and others.

Thank you for the review! You're right, I probably should have added more detail in the fight scene, especially when Darkwing and the Pteri wound up in the crow's nest. I'll keep that in mind in future writing .

[peri]

nut said:

Two Comic Reviews

[glow=blue,2,300]Who Knew?[/glow]
This is a nice little comic. I like how you drew those four cute little faerie dolls, and the shiny Poogle was fun to look at. Jhudora’s wings look a bit… un-Jhudora-like, though. The curvy shape seems a bit odd, since I’m used to seeing her with large bat wings. I think also that redrawing Jhudora in the second panel instead of copying and pasting her would have been better. But overall the art was cute; I especially like the little Fyora and Soup Faerie dolls. ^^

I didn’t think the joke was laugh-out-loud funny, as it seems to be a comic version of the various Jhudora-is-really-sweet-inside gags that crop up in articles. :/ Perhaps the punchline would have been emphasized more if you showed all the things the Poogle thought Jhudora was going to do with the doll, having him imagine her torturing it in various ways. This sequence could easily be driven by the art. Then when the final panel did come, it would contrast not only with the general view of Jhudora but with the Poogle’s awful misgivings.

Overall, though, it was a cute comic. Very nice! ^^

Thank you very much for the in-depth review, Nut! I think my humor is more subtle than most, perhaps not the best way to portray it in a comic Her wings did take me forever. I was using a picture for inspiration and it had these claw like things at the top of her wings so I just mimicked that. I do like my little faerie dolls though I'm glad they were recognizable! Thank you and I'm glad you liked it!

[Nut]

tashni said:

Bullied by Nut

Only mildly involving first paragraph, but the title gives a little foreshadowing. The way you explained that it's autumn is nice.

"Yes," the Aisha said faintly, giving the schoolyard a quick, frightened stare

How can you give a quick stare? By definition, this is a contradiction.

The opening dialogue between Kesshe and Rusu is nice, giving a good idea of what they're like. Ewana not so much, because afterward she reacts the same as Rusu and even agrees with her in the faerie debate.

I don't see how Kesshe could so quickly go from hating the 3 Kougras to joining them. You really should have given some foreshadowing or something in her character that would allow her to do this.

Unexpected ending, but it wasn't necessarily fulfilling. Overall, the dialogue was nice, the descriptions were nice, but there were so many contradictions in Kesshe's character that I wasn't sure if I should be rooting for her, or if I even cared about her.

Thank you for the review! Yes, this story had major problems. -_- Thanks for pointing them out, anyhow. I think I should've stuck with it for a while longer and made it a series so as to have more time for character development. Rushing is a big problem I have... Ah well. Thanks for the review, Tashni! ^^

[fipples~]

nut said:

[glow=blue,2,300]DM!: Green Apple[/glow]
The art here is quite nice. I like the thick-lined style, and the doctor’s pose is nice, especially with the glasses and briefcase flying (although the briefcase is rather dark; I think a lighter color, or at least one different from the panel border, would have been best). I think the thick lines would work better on a bigger image, though; that would make it easier to see that the round green object is an apple (I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but upon looking closer I could make out the stem and leaf). I like the overhead view on the Kiko, though since the rest of the picture is shown from the side, the Kiko logically should have been drawn from the side as well. Still, I do like the art. ^^

The layout in this comic could have been a lot better. There is an awful lot of text, and most of it isn’t needed. The huge text is the first thing the reader sees; it takes up the space of a whole other panel. You could have shrunk it down a lot and placed it in an inconspicuous little text box at the top of the panel or something. (By the way, there is a grammatical error in the text itself; “How Neopia would be if we all took item descriptions TOO seriously” is more correct. ) Moving on, the description of the item should really have come before the picture. This would not only have prepared the reader for the joke, but helped them identify the green object as an apple. As it is, the reader has no clue what’s going on in the panel, so when they read the description, their reaction is “Huh?… Oh, so that’s what was going on there…” instead of “Haha, funny pun!”.

The “green laser beam shield thing”, I thought, was not needed. It only makes the reader more confused about what the item really is. The panel would have worked fine if the doctor was cowering in terror from just a regular apple.
Aside from explaining the title, the afternote wasn’t really necessary. The title could easily have been “Description MANIA!: Green Apple”, saving you the trouble of including that note.

Overall, this was a nice comic but would have been a lot more clear with a different layout. ^^

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I'm not quite an artist but seeing that somehow I have more luck with comics than with writing (that's somewhat an insult, since I'm not a good artist xD) I tried.
Yeah, I really did see myself it was a bit too crowded, I'll try next time (hoping there will be) to make it a bit clearer.
And I just kept the name DM!: instead of Description Mania!: because I prefer short names rather than long comic series names plus the name of the specific comic.

Oh, and... Friends Forever, Nut!
(dare x___x)

[Tay - Sock Eater]

The Clover How-To: *chuckle* T'was pretty good, though you didn't mention the one and only reason people really look the four-leaf clover for - so that it'd bring them good luck. And maybe it's just me but having numbers show up as, well, numbers in a text usually doesn't look good. It would've looked better as "four-leaf clover", not "4 leaf clover". I liked those *counts* five afternotes ('cept for the OMG part, I'm allergic to chatspeak >.>) but I'd say that the caps really weren't necessary. As for the article in general, I liked it ^^ At times it could've been more concrete, those explanations tended to get a bit aimless from time to time but overall I enjoyed the article. Nice work :3

Thanks for the review! I'll take your advice about the numbers thing, because I agree with you there. ^^; In the article, though, I thought I did mention something about luck - in the very first paragraph it says something in multiplying the luck. Hehe, I don't consider OMG chatspeak, but that's just me. ^^; And I cap'sed it to emphasize the point of, well, yelling. That's what CAPS like that is for, eh? But thanks for the review! =D

The Clover How-To

First of all, I think this is a really cute idea for an article. Most people write about Illusen for St. Patrick's day and, while I haven't been looking hard, I haven't seen another clover article.

I like how you split your article into different categories to make it easier to read. You could have written it without the categories, of course, but the bold headers make it more aesthetically pleasing and divide it into smaller sections that are more manageable.

I had some snort-out-loud moments while reading your article such as when you were describing what a four leaf clover is and when you said a Faerieland supporter slapped you with a blandfish. That's the kind of relevant randomness that I like to read in articles.

I liked your ideas on what to do with your clover once you find it and had another snort-out-loud moment when you talked about eating it. The way you wrote it also let the reader know what you thought about eating a four leaf clover. OMG.

The only comment I have about this article that isn't positive is the end. Knowing what I know about the Neopian Times and considering I could tell your article was shorter, I had the distinct feeling that the ending "END OF ARTICLE. YOU MAY STOP READING NOW." etc. was done to fill space. And even if you weren't trying to fill space, that's still what it seemed like. An ending like that, in my opinion, will always detract from what the article was and what the author was trying to say.

Great article, I just think that an article this good needs a good, clean ending. It's like when someone stands up to give a speech and says "Umm" before they start. Their speech may be great, but the "umm" takes away from it. The capitalized ending, I felt, took away from the overall article.

Thanks! I like getting long reviews. ^^; I didn't realize the end made it look like I was trying to get more space filled up quickly. I wasn't though. =) It was 1,199 words long. That whole ending (everything in caps, after the dedication) was only 35 words. Thank you for the review, though! I'll take your advice, and I am glad you liked the story.

[Tay - Sock Eater]

All It Takes

Wow! This story was great. I love how the beginning and ending are exactly the same. I had to review it after I read the reviews on it of others... And what they said, is completely true! This is the best story I've read in a long time. I wish to become a writer as amazing as you are. It's a dream, to tie my story together like that, like thread, and make it into something so fantastic! You should be very proud of yourself. ^^;

[Nut]

Thank you for the recommendation, Belle. I wasn't going to read All It Takes, but after seeing your review, I decided to take a look. It is a beautiful story. ^^

[glow=blue,2,300]Thanks, To and From Illusen[/glow]
Aw… I must say I enjoyed this story. ^^ It’s very touching, and the letters are realistically written—I can just imagine a pair of young pets writing those things! In nearly any other piece, seeing six exclamation points would have definitely put me off, but they seem to fit the mood in Flash’s second letter and I can easily see an excited little pet happily writing all of those. ^^ In contrast, Illusen’s letters are very formal yet warm, just as I’d imagine her writing. You got the tones of the writers just about perfect in their letters, and for that I commend you.
There are some grammatical errors in the story. I would have used more commas than you did, but in some places that was a matter of choice; in others it was not. This sentence

She is also a faerie which I’m glad to say she chose of her own accord and not because her sisters are painted so.

should have a comma after “faerie”. The word “which” is always preceded by a comma when used this way.
You sprung Penny’s sickness so suddenly; I was surprised to find out she was ill. I found it a bit unlikely that she would be so sick that there was no help for her—I think a little hint as to what she was afflicted with would have made it seem a little more realistic—but nevertheless it added a level of touching emotion to the story. In all, a wonderful story that I enjoyed reading. Good work! ^^

[Tashni]

Evergreen by Shefflera and Dreagoddess

The first few paragraphs set the setting of the story nicely, and you used some beautiful words. Only problem is I would easily walk away from it.

I didn't quickly realize who Sally was, I think it would have been more attention-grabbing if you pointed out who she is earlier.

This was not as crazy an idea as it would have sounded a few years ago, or even as crazy as it would still sound to most of Meridell, even with the heroine and court sorceress Lisha having removed the curses from the Citadel (not that it looked much less ominous) and everyone starting to get used to the idea that this peace might actually last. During the second war, the one with Kass, Sally had adopted what she had thought was probably an overgrown and skittish Karren but had turned out to be the amnesiac (and skittish) Lord Darigan. Despite being considerably embarrassed about this once he recovered his memory, he had been reciprocally friendly, and had honored Sally and her family. At one point she had even made a surreptitious and rather harrowing visit to the Citadel to take him some new potatoes.
All things considered, Sally's mother was not likely to be surprised by the sentiment at this point, and it was actually something of an improvement that Sally had asked permission this time -- even if that might be only because she'd definitely be missed from the celebratory preparations otherwise.

I do like the character development in these paragraphs. They really set me in the mood of who Sally is and reminds me of what is going on in Meridell at this time.

inexorably adding a scarf to her daughter's ensemble and snugging it around her ruff.

"Inexorably," "ensemble," even "ruff." These are all very fancy words that could easily be substituted for simpler words.

Sally opened up obediently, and her mother blew across a ladleful of soup and then poured it into Sally's mouth. Sally drank it eagerly, feeling the heat flow down her throat and pool comfortingly in her stomach, and then she pulled the scarf up over her mouth and was off.

I like the feeling you portray of the warm soup down a cold throat, but this really is a lot of description that halts what little action you have.

Her friend Jerry (really Jeran, as he was one of the eldest children to have been named for Sir Jeran Borodere when the Champion had begun to be famous, but nobody called him Jeran) had taken her up last time, and as nothing bad had happened then, he would probably do it again.

The history of where Jerry got his name is nice, but I really don't like this sentence structure. By the time I finish what's in the brackets, I've already forgotten what the rest of the sentence is about!

Sally waited patiently through the explanation to Jerry's incredulous father, helped extract a half-grown Dragoyle (hatched out of season and not yet ready to fly) from a hole in a tree trunk, and bounced gleefully when the older Eyrie began showing signs of giving in.

I have NO idea what that Dragoyle bit is about.

Sally squealed softly with the excitement

Can you squeal softly? Whenever I think of "squeal," I think high-pitched.

Omigawsh, I LOVE your portrayal of Kass! He's dark but resigned. REALLY good.

Jerry backwinged to a landing close enough to make its branches sway in the breeze.

I know I've been bashing your descriptions a lot, so I thought I'd point out that I LOVE this. This is really great description here. It's brief, to the point, and shows 3 things. Jerry backwinged, he landed close to the tree, and the tree swayed in the wind from his wings.

The ending was very nice. I assume it was an old Christmas story? Anyway, Darigan was interesting. Their confusion at seeing a tree decorated was very realistic, too.

Overall, it had a nice flow and tone. The characters were all written very well, too. My only problem is that you went overboard on the descriptions a lot. You might have been going for a very descriptive story, and I'm all for that, but in a lot of places it just got boring.

[Star]

nut said:

Thank you for the recommendation, Belle. I wasn't going to read All It Takes, but after seeing your review, I decided to take a look. It is a beautiful story. ^^

[glow=blue,2,300]Thanks, To and From Illusen[/glow]
Aw?I must say I enjoyed this story. ^^ It’s very touching, and the letters are realistically written—I can just imagine a pair of young pets writing those things! In nearly any other piece, seeing six exclamation points would have definitely put me off, but they seem to fit the mood in Flash’s second letter and I can easily see an excited little pet happily writing all of those. ^^ In contrast, Illusen’s letters are very formal yet warm, just as I’d imagine her writing. You got the tones of the writers just about perfect in their letters, and for that I commend you.
There are some grammatical errors in the story. I would have used more commas than you did, but in some places that was a matter of choice; in others it was not. This sentence

She is also a faerie which I’m glad to say she chose of her own accord and not because her sisters are painted so.

should have a comma after “faerie? The word “which?is always preceded by a comma when used this way.
You sprung Penny’s sickness so suddenly; I was surprised to find out she was ill. I found it a bit unlikely that she would be so sick that there was no help for her—I think a little hint as to what she was afflicted with would have made it seem a little more realistic—but nevertheless it added a level of touching emotion to the story. In all, a wonderful story that I enjoyed reading. Good work! ^^

Oh I've only just seen this review! Thanks Nut! I know...I'm not so good with commas. Commas are my enemy!!!! But thanks, I'm glad I managed to capture the tones fine. Thanks for the review