Issue 224 Reviews

[Komori]

ssjelitegirl said:

Y'know what the comic could use? Shadows. Not shading, your comics work out surprisingly well without shading, even for the picky detail-obsessed snake like me but atleast Komo and Tombstones could have a shadow under their feet. But still, another great comic ^^ *glances at the NT Staff Call board* And it gets sequels, right? Can't wait :3

... ... ... . You're right. Hm. Shadows. Yep, I totally agree with you. I'll try and remember to do that from now on.

And yep, Spooky gets an actual plotline. :3

[peri]

Thank you for the great reviews, NSQ, Ghost Komori and Huntress Doesn't look like Part 2 got in this week (no notice), but I think the drawing in it is better. Part 1 was my first foray into Paint and I agree, if I re-did it now it would have more shading. I'll definitely work on my expression-less Puppyblew as well For some reason, I look at his non-smiling face and just figure he is grumpy all the time. LOL! Thanks for the tips!

[Deleted]

If anyone is doing short story reviews, I'd love a review for Today and Everyday.^^

[Nut]

*slaps self* I didn’t do a review until the last minute. *is very late* Hmm, only one short story this issue? Welp…

[glow=blue,2,300]Today and Every Day[/glow]
This was a very cute story. It just felt warm and happy all through. Alvin is a great character. The surrounding characters are all quite well-defined too; you managed to involve several characters in your story and still make each of their personalities come across believably. All the characters acted sorry for Alvin save Billy, and the Yurble was always so cheerful despite this. The young, careless Billy serves as a nice comparison with Alvin’s childish ways.
The opening lines of the story, where the light was teasing Alvin, were great. I liked how the light had a character of its own. ^^

"Quite," said Duvel in his soft, floating voice. That's how Alvin thought it sounded, at least. All light, like if voices were real items that you could hold in your hand, Duvel's would be a gentle feather that floated away on the wind. Unlike his fathers, which would be more like a rolling boulder, or something tough like that. And what would his own voice sound like? He hadn't given much thought to it before. He supposed one couldn't really hear their own voice, only others'.

The idea of voices being something that can be held was very interesting, and a nice addition to the story. ^^
It’s difficult for me to think of criticism here, as the story was very well written. There are a few places where you seem to be making sure that the reader understands the moral of the story by pointing out things that we could probably figure out ourselves. I thought Dr. Proscan’s wish for waking up in the morning and forgetting all about the war seemed to be forced in to stress how Alvin is happy despite his condition. As soon as I read the doctor’s line about how terrible war is, I expected his next one. I would have preferred if we were left to draw the connection ourselves a bit more often, but that may be my own personal taste; I’ve always liked subtlety in writing. Overall, it was a lovely, warm story with excellent characterization throughout. I enjoyed reading it very much. ^^

[Deleted]

nut said:

*slaps self* I didn’t do a review until the last minute. *is very late* Hmm, only one short story this issue? Welp…

[glow=blue,2,300]Today and Every Day[/glow]
This was a very cute story. It just felt warm and happy all through. Alvin is a great character. The surrounding characters are all quite well-defined too; you managed to involve several characters in your story and still make each of their personalities come across believably. All the characters acted sorry for Alvin save Billy, and the Yurble was always so cheerful despite this. The young, careless Billy serves as a nice comparison with Alvin’s childish ways.
The opening lines of the story, where the light was teasing Alvin, were great. I liked how the light had a character of its own. ^^

"Quite," said Duvel in his soft, floating voice. That's how Alvin thought it sounded, at least. All light, like if voices were real items that you could hold in your hand, Duvel's would be a gentle feather that floated away on the wind. Unlike his fathers, which would be more like a rolling boulder, or something tough like that. And what would his own voice sound like? He hadn't given much thought to it before. He supposed one couldn't really hear their own voice, only others'.

The idea of voices being something that can be held was very interesting, and a nice addition to the story. ^^
It’s difficult for me to think of criticism here, as the story was very well written. There are a few places where you seem to be making sure that the reader understands the moral of the story by pointing out things that we could probably figure out ourselves. I thought Dr. Proscan’s wish for waking up in the morning and forgetting all about the war seemed to be forced in to stress how Alvin is happy despite his condition. As soon as I read the doctor’s line about how terrible war is, I expected his next one. I would have preferred if we were left to draw the connection ourselves a bit more often, but that may be my own personal taste; I’ve always liked subtlety in writing. Overall, it was a lovely, warm story with excellent characterization throughout. I enjoyed reading it very much. ^^

*Hugs* Thanks so much for the great review, Nut! ^___^ I'm glad you liked the characters, and noticed the contrast between Alvin and Billy and everyone else, that's exactly what I was going for.^^ The paragraph about voices... yay, glad you liked that too!

I see what you mean about the overexplanation in order to get the point across. I always have trouble trying to figure out how much I tell the readers, and how much I left them figure out on their own. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll keep working on that!^^

Again, thanks for the review.

[Buddy]

A day late, a dollar short - but a review all the same!

The Darkest Faerie: The story begins with a good opening. The first two paragraphs really helped draw me in. I especially liked the idea of making the meat of the story a flashback which the one dark faerie is thinking about as she writes her letter. These small parts, where we see the faerie as she's writing her letter, were probably the best parts of the story - they help add a level of intrigue to the story, as well as being the parts where the story is best written.

The one issue which was more prevalent is one I see all too often in stories - the pacing. The pace of the story was really off. I felt like the author was in a huge hurry to finish the story and get it done as quickly as possible. Instead of taking time to show us the relationship between the characters and who they were (I got an idea of who Delia was quickly thanks to the author's explanation in the beginning, though I never felt like I had any idea who Desdemona was or what she was all about), the author just really rushed through everything. One minute, the two characters have just met, the next minute they're best friends. It was all so hurried, I don't feel the author ever slowed down and took the time to actually tell (or, more appropriately, show) the story, and I always felt as if certain important, key elements of the story were just being missed.

Another problem I saw was the overall lack of descriptions. In almost every scene, I had a tough time getting an idea of where they were or what that place looked like. And the descriptions seemed to grow more and more scarce as the story went on. Which leads me to my next problem - some things in the story just weren't explained very well. Desdemona is said to "enter places Delia couldn't reach" or that "she drifted off to that land beyond Delia's reach". I couldn't figure out if this was physical (that she actually left the academy and went there) or if it was metaphorical (her mind sort of "left" and she went into a state of deep thought). And then, when the two characters make the pot for the spell they use in revenge. The author really never told WHERE they were when they made the spell or what it looked like. All these things come together to make it hard for the reader to create a mental image of what is going on in the story.

Overall, the story had some great, well-written paragraphs (mostly in the parts that cut back to the dark faerie writing the letter), but those small parts are tempered by much bigger issues of a story that felt rushed and hurried, despite being three parts; I've always been of the opinion that if it takes ten parts to tell a story, take ten parts to tell the story. Don't be afraid to slow down and take the time needed to write the story correctly, versus just trying to get it done as fasts as possible.

[Tdyans at work]

So, who wants to take bets on whether or not I'll get my reviews posted before the new issue comes out next time? (For the record, I'm betting against myself.)

Green Genies and H.A.M.S
I'm always excited to see a new Hawkins and Lennert story in the NT, and this one does not disappoint. I have to say first off that I loved the Prologue (or something like it). Very to the point. And there were some good laughs throughout, especially in the interaction between Lennert and the genie. Poor Genie.

As far as criticism goes, your humorous lines are usually well-written, but at times your non-humorous writing can bog the whole thing down a bit. Specifically, some of your descriptions can be a bit ponderous, seeming to go on and on unnecessarily and a little awkwardly. It is necessary, of course, to help your readers to picture the scene, but it's not always accomplished as smoothly as it could be. And I think that a really vivid picture is not always as necessary in a humor story as in a more serious one. Does it matter, when we're in the basement, that we know that the walls are made of bricks, the floor of cement, and there are wooden beams? I don't think it's something I really needed to know-- nothing that seems to have any effect on the story-- and your readers can probably pull up on their own an idea of a pretty standard basement, but at least a full paragraph is spent on it. Likewise, a very long description is given of the lamp that just doesn't seem very necessary to me. It could have been condensed greatly and helped the story move along better, I think.

I'm not a big fan of the comments made by the narrator at the end of each section. It's just a personal preference, though, and I suppose it's established enough in your stories that it probably ought to stay. But to me, it just often seems unnecessary or like beating a dead horse, like you're telling your readers, "Hey, that was funny, here's why!" To me, the story is funny on its own without the narrator butting in and kind of kicking me out of the story by reminding me that I'm reading a story and not just watching all of this funny stuff unfold.

Finally, something that I actually only noticed once in this particular piece, but that I usually see a lot of in your stories, stuff like "Hawkin's Lenny of a roommate." That just makes me cringe. It probably wouldn't if it only happened once or twice (as in this story), but usually like I said, it's a formula of phrasing that you use a lot, and that, I believe, you use incorrectly. Usually when you see that kind of phrasing, it's being used for metaphorical purposes. For instance, "He was a bear of a man." He's not actually a bear, he's just like one-- you couldn't remove the "of a" and have the sentence still make sense. But look at the previous example. If I remove "of a", you have "Hawkin's Lenny roommate," which makes perfect sense-- it's true, not figurative at all. So the "of a" is unnecessary and, to me at least, kind of awkward. And something that I maybe should be harping on anyway, since your usage of it seems to have decreased dramatically, at least based on this.

[Buddy]

Tdyans said:

So, who wants to take bets on whether or not I'll get my reviews posted before the new issue comes out next time? (For the record, I'm betting against myself.)

Green Genies and H.A.M.S
I'm always excited to see a new Hawkins and Lennert story in the NT, and this one does not disappoint. I have to say first off that I loved the Prologue (or something like it). Very to the point. And there were some good laughs throughout, especially in the interaction between Lennert and the genie. Poor Genie.

As far as criticism goes, your humorous lines are usually well-written, but at times your non-humorous writing can bog the whole thing down a bit. Specifically, some of your descriptions can be a bit ponderous, seeming to go on and on unnecessarily and a little awkwardly. It is necessary, of course, to help your readers to picture the scene, but it's not always accomplished as smoothly as it could be. And I think that a really vivid picture is not always as necessary in a humor story as in a more serious one. Does it matter, when we're in the basement, that we know that the walls are made of bricks, the floor of cement, and there are wooden beams? I don't think it's something I really needed to know-- nothing that seems to have any effect on the story-- and your readers can probably pull up on their own an idea of a pretty standard basement, but at least a full paragraph is spent on it. Likewise, a very long description is given of the lamp that just doesn't seem very necessary to me. It could have been condensed greatly and helped the story move along better, I think.

I'm not a big fan of the comments made by the narrator at the end of each section. It's just a personal preference, though, and I suppose it's established enough in your stories that it probably ought to stay. But to me, it just often seems unnecessary or like beating a dead horse, like you're telling your readers, "Hey, that was funny, here's why!" To me, the story is funny on its own without the narrator butting in and kind of kicking me out of the story by reminding me that I'm reading a story and not just watching all of this funny stuff unfold.

Finally, something that I actually only noticed once in this particular piece, but that I usually see a lot of in your stories, stuff like "Hawkin's Lenny of a roommate." That just makes me cringe. It probably wouldn't if it only happened once or twice (as in this story), but usually like I said, it's a formula of phrasing that you use a lot, and that, I believe, you use incorrectly. Usually when you see that kind of phrasing, it's being used for metaphorical purposes. For instance, "He was a bear of a man." He's not actually a bear, he's just like one-- you couldn't remove the "of a" and have the sentence still make sense. But look at the previous example. If I remove "of a", you have "Hawkin's Lenny roommate," which makes perfect sense-- it's true, not figurative at all. So the "of a" is unnecessary and, to me at least, kind of awkward. And something that I maybe should be harping on anyway, since your usage of it seems to have decreased dramatically, at least based on this.

Oh Tdyans, how much I've missed your reviews! ^^;;

But seriously - thanks a ton! No one quite seems to review stories the way you do. You always seem to catch the things others miss or never bother to bring up. The things that I myself don't usually even notice! Or, in writing these so much, have started to sort of disregard (like the parts with the descriptions - I've sort of gotten into the habit of A.) overdoing the descriptions a bit (I'm always worried that the reader won't be able to picture the scene, which is the absolutely last thing I want!), and B.) making them too concise and to the point (which is pretty important in comedy, since too much description will throw off the flow of the story)).

So yeah, I'll DEFINETLY take all the stuff you pointed out into consideration when I'm writing my next one - and I'm not just saying that, either, as lame as it sounds! It's always your reviews before all others that I wait for! Thanks again! ^__________^