Issue 217 Reviews

[Huntress]

tashni said:

Mysteries of the Deserted Fairground - I like the idea, going to see whether or not the games are rigged. The characters Kat and Shad were good, as they each had their own voice. I felt you could have varied the experiences more. It struck me as "talk to owner, play game, do decently, get in trouble, run off, do the same thing over again." I would have liked to see more variety, and go more into the behind-the-scenes action at the fairground. But other than that, this was an entertaining article. Besides, you got the top listed article!

Thanks ^^ And too true. I picked the wrong pet for the article... Shad never goes in-depth with anything x.X But behind-the-scenes action? Heh, I think I just got some inspiration Do such things as article sequels exist?

[Nut]

Semi-Evil Assistant #4
I liked this story very much. It was entertaining and very original. I like how it’s set up. Erik seems to have a real personality; he’s not just some crazy scientist in this story. Even the Kookith, who is out of the scene for almost the whole story, seems to have real character. The burly Eyrie was a nice touch to the mood of the story. It was funny when you mentioned that the buttons and switches don’t really affect the zap.
Just a brief note—the words “neopet”, “petpet”, and “kookith” should be capitalized, as should be the name of any Neopian species of creature.

"I don't care if th' ray's closed. I needa zap, t'give me good stats." The Eyrie glared over at Erik, who was still staring at him. Well, maybe he could make one exception. "C'mon, doc. Make sure I get som' good attack points!"

I like this paragraph because it shows the Eyrie’s character, with his tough street-talk way of speaking. However, I think that the “Well, maybe he could make one exception” sentence does not belong in the midst of the Eyrie’s dialogue. It is distracting and throws the focus on the scientist before the Eyrie has finished talking. I might have put the part about making an exception at the beginning of the next paragraph, when Erik is the narrator’s center of attention.

He could do nothing but watch and marvel as his petpet, oblivious to his audience, swept up the soot with a miniature broom and started pushing it towards his head - towards the hole. Before Erik could say a word, he was being pulled back out of the hole by his tail.

Perhaps it’s just me, but I found it a bit confusing for the description to switch from the Kookith pushing the soot towards Erik’s head and Erik being pulled out by the Flotsam. The two sentences seem like they should be related, so the reader starts to think that the Kookith’s pushing the soot towards Erik caused the scientist to be pulled out of the hole. A few sentences later, they learn that the Flotsam did it.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Erik blinked. Where had that tiny Flotsam come from? "I won't stand for this! I want you to change me back into my proper form, right this instant! I won't stand being a, a-"

Again, you are switching the focus of the paragraph to the scientist before the Eyrie (or rather, Flotsam) has finished speaking. Putting Erik’s name right after the dialogue tags makes the reader automatically assume that Erik is talking. It would flow better if you established that the Flotsam was talking before moving on to Erik’s reaction. In general, try to keep other characters out of the paragraph while one character is speaking, unless you can do it without causing distraction.
Overall, though, this was a very good, original story. The ending was left open, allowing the reader to imagine for themselves what happens to the Mad Scientist and also being slightly humorous. Good work!

[Tashni]

nut said:

Just a brief note—the words “neopet”, “petpet”, and “kookith” should be capitalized, as should be the name of any Neopian species of creature.

This is something I've been meaning to bring up for awhile. I know technically that these all should be captialized when we speak of them, because they are proper names. But, when it's written from a Neopet's POV, should it be? Do we call dogs Dogs? No, because that isn't a proper name to us, it's just a name. The same would be true of a Shoyru calling a Warf a warf, wouldn't it?

[Nut]

tashni said:

This is something I've been meaning to bring up for awhile. I know technically that these all should be captialized when we speak of them, because they are proper names. But, when it's written from a Neopet's POV, should it be? Do we call dogs Dogs? No, because that isn't a proper name to us, it's just a name. The same would be true of a Shoyru calling a Warf a warf, wouldn't it?

I've thought of that myself. The names are just words to the characters of Neopia, so shouldn't they be in lowercase? However, since the names are capitalized whenever we, the humans of Neopia, refer to them, it would be confusing and even go so far as to look "wrong" to people reading it. Because they're names to us, the humans, we treat them as names even if our stories are from a Neopet or Petpet's point of view.
... Does that make sense? It's the closest I can come to an explanation. I think it would make more sense to put the names/words in lowercase, too, but whenever I see them like that, it just... doesn't look right.

[Kelly]

nut said:

Semi-Evil Assistant #4
I liked this story very much. It was entertaining and very original. I like how it’s set up. Erik seems to have a real personality; he’s not just some crazy scientist in this story. Even the Kookith, who is out of the scene for almost the whole story, seems to have real character. The burly Eyrie was a nice touch to the mood of the story. It was funny when you mentioned that the buttons and switches don’t really affect the zap.
Just a brief note—the words “neopet”, “petpet”, and “kookith” should be capitalized, as should be the name of any Neopian species of creature.

"I don't care if th' ray's closed. I needa zap, t'give me good stats." The Eyrie glared over at Erik, who was still staring at him. Well, maybe he could make one exception. "C'mon, doc. Make sure I get som' good attack points!"

I like this paragraph because it shows the Eyrie’s character, with his tough street-talk way of speaking. However, I think that the “Well, maybe he could make one exception” sentence does not belong in the midst of the Eyrie’s dialogue. It is distracting and throws the focus on the scientist before the Eyrie has finished talking. I might have put the part about making an exception at the beginning of the next paragraph, when Erik is the narrator’s center of attention.

He could do nothing but watch and marvel as his petpet, oblivious to his audience, swept up the soot with a miniature broom and started pushing it towards his head - towards the hole. Before Erik could say a word, he was being pulled back out of the hole by his tail.

Perhaps it’s just me, but I found it a bit confusing for the description to switch from the Kookith pushing the soot towards Erik’s head and Erik being pulled out by the Flotsam. The two sentences seem like they should be related, so the reader starts to think that the Kookith’s pushing the soot towards Erik caused the scientist to be pulled out of the hole. A few sentences later, they learn that the Flotsam did it.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Erik blinked. Where had that tiny Flotsam come from? "I won't stand for this! I want you to change me back into my proper form, right this instant! I won't stand being a, a-"

Again, you are switching the focus of the paragraph to the scientist before the Eyrie (or rather, Flotsam) has finished speaking. Putting Erik’s name right after the dialogue tags makes the reader automatically assume that Erik is talking. It would flow better if you established that the Flotsam was talking before moving on to Erik’s reaction. In general, try to keep other characters out of the paragraph while one character is speaking, unless you can do it without causing distraction.
Overall, though, this was a very good, original story. The ending was left open, allowing the reader to imagine for themselves what happens to the Mad Scientist and also being slightly humorous. Good work!

Thanks for the tips! The point of view does seem to get mixed up in those areas, which does make it confusing. I'll be sure not to do that again. And as for the Neopian words being capitalized... I guess I've never bothered to do so, as they haven't seemed like true proper nouns. Except that they technically are. Drat. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

[Schefflera]

nut said:

tashni said:

This is something I've been meaning to bring up for awhile. I know technically that these all should be captialized when we speak of them, because they are proper names. But, when it's written from a Neopet's POV, should it be? Do we call dogs Dogs? No, because that isn't a proper name to us, it's just a name. The same would be true of a Shoyru calling a Warf a warf, wouldn't it?

I've thought of that myself. The names are just words to the characters of Neopia, so shouldn't they be in lowercase? However, since the names are capitalized whenever we, the humans of Neopia, refer to them, it would be confusing and even go so far as to look "wrong" to people reading it. Because they're names to us, the humans, we treat them as names even if our stories are from a Neopet or Petpet's point of view.
... Does that make sense? It's the closest I can come to an explanation. I think it would make more sense to put the names/words in lowercase, too, but whenever I see them like that, it just... doesn't look right.

I'm not very consistent about this with "faerie," but I do think that the species names pretty much do count as proper nouns to the Neopets themselves.

The thing is, what qualifies as requiring capitalization actually varies a good bit. For example, in English we capitalize words like... well... "English" and other languages/nationalities derived from the proper names of countries. But when I took French or Spanish, I had to be taught not to capitalize "anglais," "francais," or "espanol" (sorry for the lack of accent marks). And while common names for animals aren't capitalized, if you give the scientific name by genus and species, you do capitalize the genus (though not the species!).

So it doesn't really strike me as particularly implausible that Neopets would capitalize their species descriptors just as they do the names of various cities or worldlets.

[Buddy]

I've been reading this story for a bit, and since the new NT isn't coming out this week, I figured I'd go ahead and write a review on it!

Absolute Reality: The author does a very nice job of setting up the character and his state of mind in the first part. He spends almost an entire part of the story simply setting up the character and his state of mind - some might say that the author goes overboard in trying to make it known that Kali is a bored, restless pet, but I think the author does a fine job at making the point.

However, from the beginning, I got the feeling this was going to be some long adventure story. That's what I was ready for, and that's what I was expecting. So, sadly, I was a little let down. Afterall, when I see a character get teleported away to a mysterious land, I expect there to be some type of long, dramatic adventure. Maybe those are just silly expectations, but that's just how I am. Thus, I was dissappointed that the story was so short and the problem resolved so quickly.

A lot of this story is internal - it's about a character going through a change. In the beginning, Kali is restless and bored; in the end, he's learned to appreciate the quiet, comfortable life he has. I applaud the author for working so hard at character and character development - character is, in my humble opinion, one of the most important aspects of a story, and we don't see enough of it in the Neopian Times. However, if you're going to have a character go through a change, you need to make it believeable. I felt that the story was really just too short to justify the change in character. It was somewhat believeable, yes; but then, I always felt like there could've been more. Kali only destoryed one monster. Personally, I wish I'd seen him go on some really long, winding adventure to save a princess or something (though, hopefully, something a little less cliche).

Perhaps it's unfair to judge this story in that way, since that's obviously not what it was trying to be (which is a good thing - I'd rather a story not try to be a long epic and succeed than try to be a long epic ("As Told By Child_Dragon"-style) and fail miserably. Again, major props for keeping it small and centered). Yet, again, I just can't get past wishing it had been something... bigger.

The author does also attempts to try and make some points in this story - one, that reality is relative, and two, that you should be happy and content with the life that you have. While the latter point comes off done very nicely, the former really doesn't. In fact, I would never have even made the connection between that point and the story if Theo hadn't literally come out and said it. And actually, as I read this, I could've thought of a far better concept to make that point with (a story about an event that occurs that different pets see, and showing how each of them see it differently, maybe...?) than this story. Again, I'm glad that the author made the attempt to put larger points and issues into the story; I just don't think it was done in the best way, that's all.

Overall, an adventure story that never really became an adventure story. Even though it wasn't what I had expected (or hoped for), it still had good character creation and development, and an interesting concept.

[Deleted]

"No n00bs is good n00bs - Cute, another "why are we all doing this?" plot comic. I liked the Yurble, he was funny with all this positions. The Ixi was good, too, but the skittering legs needed to be more faint, as it is it looks like it just has 6 legs. But it was amusing, and the art good."

Thanks very kindly for the review! Heh, figures that the one time a comic of mine is reviewed it's the one I'm least happy with. Thanks to computer problems, I didn't have access to my scanner mid-cartoon so I had to go with what I'd already scanned in, coloring them on a program I wasn't very familiar with. The end result being I felt the artwork was sub-par. Looks like it'll be my last cartoon for a while too, until I can get the scanner working again. Ah well, means I need to work on some of the articles I've gotten planned. Thank you again!

[Tay - Sock Eater]

Thanks Tashni for the review of my series!! =D It helps to get these reviews. ;P

[Tay - Sock Eater]

LUCKY STREAK

I really enjoyed reading this!! =D I liked how the characters were portrayed. They were DIFFERENT, and had their own behaviors. I also like how you made me think when you kept switching their names around. xD I adore how it ended where he said his name was Felix because it's lucky in Latin. That's a great ending, how did you think of it? =P Is felix REALLY lucky in Latin? =o

TAXES OF NEOPIA (I dunno if the person who wrote this is here, but I wanna review it)

I think this was a really neat article. I actually learned a lot about taxes that I'd never known. =) I think you were really funny too. You write with humor. The only bad thing is, Snowflake is the editor anymore.

[Nut]

When the Weather is Grey: Part One
Ooh, Nili likes rain, just like me. =D Your descriptions of the rain were lovely. I much enjoyed reading about the soothing drumming of the droplets and the gray clouds. It gave the story a calm and serene feel to the beginning. ^^ This story has an interesting and mysterious setup. However, while I liked the beginning half of this part of the story very much, I felt that the other half—after Nili has woken up in the new area—lacked a bit in description and information. The story starts out with very calming overtones, but these are abruptly replaced with the sense of adventure and Nili’s nervousness in her new surroundings.

As she had been expecting (although also dreading), the blue-green walls of her cozy neohome were gone, replaced by a new, unfamiliar setting. Even though it was too dark to see well, Nili could make out some detail in by the light of a single lit candle in the far corner. The building appeared to be a hut, made from strong plant fibers of some sort.

It took me a moment to realize that Nili had woken inside of a hut, since the earlier statement about bare ground had planted an idea in my mind that she was outside. Nothing contradicts that presumption until the sentence declaring that “the building” is a hut. It seems to assume that the reader knows that Nili is inside of a building, but nothing has been said to establish this beforehand. I think it might have helped to mention that she was indoors earlier on.

The form attempted to calm her.

The words leading up to this sentence were interesting, but again I think it would have helped to establish that there was a form before assuming that it is there. Until this sentence, there are no concrete statements that someone is there—and then suddenly the form just tries to calm Nili as if it had been standing next to her all along. Of course, this is just my opinion—I tend to like to know everything that’s going on, but this story’s beginning is clearly meant to leave many unanswered questions in order to keep the reader wondering. And in that, you have certainly succeeded—I’m going to have to read the next part just to see what happens.

[Deleted]

Sight:


It's tightly written and very strong grammatically. With an interesting and original premise it is sure to attract the readers attention. However there were a couple of problems. First and foremost is the style. You have a very brief upbrupt and upfront style, but you still have to show things. For example, you tell us the Ashia was grouchy, but by the dialouge we can know. Instead of saying:

I was delivering the last newspaper when it happened. My last customer was a creepy old Aisha named Terlizzia. She lived alone in a dilapidated old manor in a very rundown neighborhood. The area didn't comfort me at all, and whenever I delivered to her, it seemed to make my darkness worse.

You should try to make the whole passage more active.

I felt a pit of dread in my stoumach it was time to deliver my last newspaper. I approached the dilapated mansion warily.

Let us learn things as they happen, also showing and not telling brings us further into the story and we feel less like we are being told do this and do that.

I admit I was a bit dissapointed, your descriptions were short and blunt and the entire set-up of this story was that he was blind. Which is a perfect venue to showcase vividly what he is feeling, touching, tasting, smelling, and hearing. You say earlier that everything was magnified, but in the writing you don't show us that.

I bleive your biggest issue is showing us more instead of just being the author and pointing it out, or even telling it from Lage's perspective.

Overall an interesting premise but it failed to live up to it's full potential. You have a great story idea here, but it seems that this shouldn't have been the last draft. However the writer shows great promise and I will look out for future works by him.

[Nut]

Amazing—every new series that began this week was written by an NTWFer! To celebrate, I’m reviewing all of them.

New Series Reviews

After the Dance: Part One
This is a very nice beginning to a series in my opinion. Callista’s character, her feelings of nervousness and remorse, come across very well. I like the idea of the Court Dancer being good at first, but driven to help evil by her mother. Very nice descriptions as well.
The first paragraph was rather jumbled, I thought. It starts off looking as if it’s diving right into the excitement. “Callista fled” are certainly a couple of words that open the story with a bang. However, all the description in that paragraph slows down the action.
The paragraphs that follow are very descriptive and interesting, though. You tell about her mother’s magical cloak in an interesting and sentimental way. I would have preferred the cloak’s color to be described as dark blue or black rather than midnight, since such color-words tend to be overused and sound a bit like forcing a description, but that’s my opinion on a very small matter.

"I see we've got a visitor, Nut. She seems to be those 'weary traveler' kinds I often get at these times. But the war's been cutting through my business. Anyway, here we go." He thrust his free paw towards Callista and dragged her into the inn. She had one last glance of Nut the Yurble farmer before he turned towards someone interested in buying a potato.

When I first read this, I thought the Lupe was talking to me. XD I wonder a bit why the Yurble was named at all, though, since he appears so briefly. I suppose he’ll play a larger role later on.
The description of Allan is interesting and certainly leaves the reader wondering who this mysterious character is. The first part of this series forms strong building blocks for the rest of the story.

Hubrid’s Attempted Hero Heist: Part One
The interactions between characters are written well, making all involved with the story seem very believeable. Even Hubrid Nox’s maniacal taunting seems realistic. The idea of a Chia coming along with Jeran to act as ambassador was interesting, clever, and practical in the situation.
The only real problem I can see in this well-written beginning to a series is that it seems to start out too fast. Diving into the action right away is for the most part a good thing, but I was very confused about what was happening for the first several paragraphs of the story. The reader is hurtled headlong into a situation that they know nothing about, and no explanation is given. It seems to be almost your intent to make the reader figure it out on their own. Though, in light of the author’s note at the beginning of the story, I might have understood it better if I’d read “Ashes” beforehand; for all I know, that story explains everything that’s going on. (I must look up Ikkin’s story and read it.) The first paragraph of the story sounds like it should have been preceded by some background information. However, the story certainly does not lack action. It flows quickly, and every paragraph has meaning. You have enough description to keep things interesting, but you don’t clutter the story with it to the extent of taking away from the events that are occurring. I am definitely looking forward to next week’s section.

Sight: Part One
I really like the first part of this story. I enjoyed reading it. The opening few paragraphs were excellent in my opinion. They draw the reader in as well as giving them something to think about. I also like the scenes where Lage is just waking up after discovering that he’s blind. I get the full feeling of all of his emotions. Poor Lage; I felt so sorry for him! His feelings really come across strongly in this story. The transition from Lage’s intial shock to acceptance of his condition flowed along quite well for the most part.

However, there was one thing I was missing: I can't fly anymore. Flying is way too dangerous now, and I sorely miss it. Flying was a great release.

This sentence was interesting; I didn’t much consider how essential the sense of sight is to winged creatures. You put a lot of emphasis on this sentence, making it stand out as important. Yet, why is it so important? We’ve never seen Lage fly, so it’s hard to tell just how much of an impact it had on his life.
I thought it was interesting that the customers on Lage’s paper route were Neopian Times characters of fame. With that in mind, the old Aisha named Terlizzia seemed out of place among the other Neopian Times celebrities.
I must say that the ending scene was extremely confusing. I thought that having Lage drop his cane and have to go feeling around for it was a nice touch, to show how dependent on it he is, but I was at a loss for everything else that was going on in those paragraphs. Of course it is highly confusing for Lage, so this might be a way of making the reader see how Lage feels. The last scene would have been an excellent place to throw in some meaningful descriptions, but instead you continue telling the tale of events in a blunt manner. I think some good descriptions at the end would have satiated the reader, and you could still have shown that Lage was confused—perhaps even more so.
The story has an interesting premise, though, and I felt very connected to the main character. It has great promise. I can’t wait for the next part to come out!

It might be a bit late for reading recommendations this week, but I really enjoyed the series Trapped Within a Dream. It's a pound story (I love those!) but very different from most. The story is really about the characters, and they are portrayed very well. There is also just enough humor scattered through the story to make it fun to read.

[Deleted]

nut said:

When the Weather is Grey: Part One
Ooh, Nili likes rain, just like me. =D Your descriptions of the rain were lovely. I much enjoyed reading about the soothing drumming of the droplets and the gray clouds. It gave the story a calm and serene feel to the beginning. ^^ This story has an interesting and mysterious setup. However, while I liked the beginning half of this part of the story very much, I felt that the other half—after Nili has woken up in the new area—lacked a bit in description and information. The story starts out with very calming overtones, but these are abruptly replaced with the sense of adventure and Nili’s nervousness in her new surroundings.

As she had been expecting (although also dreading), the blue-green walls of her cozy neohome were gone, replaced by a new, unfamiliar setting. Even though it was too dark to see well, Nili could make out some detail in by the light of a single lit candle in the far corner. The building appeared to be a hut, made from strong plant fibers of some sort.

It took me a moment to realize that Nili had woken inside of a hut, since the earlier statement about bare ground had planted an idea in my mind that she was outside. Nothing contradicts that presumption until the sentence declaring that “the building” is a hut. It seems to assume that the reader knows that Nili is inside of a building, but nothing has been said to establish this beforehand. I think it might have helped to mention that she was indoors earlier on.

The form attempted to calm her.

The words leading up to this sentence were interesting, but again I think it would have helped to establish that there was a form before assuming that it is there. Until this sentence, there are no concrete statements that someone is there—and then suddenly the form just tries to calm Nili as if it had been standing next to her all along. Of course, this is just my opinion—I tend to like to know everything that’s going on, but this story’s beginning is clearly meant to leave many unanswered questions in order to keep the reader wondering. And in that, you have certainly succeeded—I’m going to have to read the next part just to see what happens.

Thanks for the review! I do have a bad habit of sometimes making the reader assume some things...I'll have to work on that!

[bag]

thepuppyreturns said:

Galleries Step-By-Step-This seemed like a very informative and helpful guide for anyone who's interested in galleries. It's nice that the information is presented in a very straight-forward manner. One thing I noticed in a few places though, was that you tended to start a lot of your sentences with "you". I would have liked your sentences to have slightly more varied beginnings, but other than that, the article was pretty good!

Thanks. Yeah, I tried fixing that in my second submitted article (please get accepted, I had to push it a lot to get to 1000 words)