|
|
Post by Scar on Nov 20, 2005 23:17:47 GMT -5
Legends of Neopia
by iriswind
ROFL! I love the Legends of Neopia series. The art is superb and hillariously complement the joke. The last frame in particular sent a 'cold chill' up my funny bone. Good job Iriswind ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by Tashni on Nov 21, 2005 1:23:30 GMT -5
New series reviews will come tomorrow. I swear! Anywho, some random reviews . . . Mysteries of the Deserted Fairground - I like the idea, going to see whether or not the games are rigged. The characters Kat and Shad were good, as they each had their own voice. I felt you could have varied the experiences more. It struck me as "talk to owner, play game, do decently, get in trouble, run off, do the same thing over again." I would have liked to see more variety, and go more into the behind-the-scenes action at the fairground. But other than that, this was an entertaining article. Besides, you got the top listed article! Lucky Streak - Good things first. I VERY much liked your portrayal of Thunder, she was clearly a juvenile who is experimenting with her understanding of how the world works, as all young children do. She was very amusing, and you ended the story perfectly. She sort of learned one lesson and then jumped back into her silly mistake. However, you made several mistakes in grammar, and made choices in grammar that could have been better. Here are the highlights: Please, PLEASE try to avoid using ANY word that ends in "ly." This isn't always true, but it is a rule of thumb. You didn't even really need to say that the dialogue was annoying, it was already implied by setting. Same is true here: I just did not like the "look like" bit. You wrote this from an all-knowing narrator. You did not need the "look like," it simply distracted me. Logic note that you will quickly see: It is sunny and then a few paragraphs later it's grey? Small thing, but "cute" does not need to be put in quotation marks. I'll assume this is a typo, but "emerged" and "appeared" are basically synonyms. Other than your grammar mistakes, this was a really good story. On a side note, omigosh I LOVE this pic for a short story:  Isn't it CUTE?!?! Now I'm gonna read the story. EDIT: Wow, didn't realize "Two Peas in a Pod" was written by an NTWFer. Here's the review: Two Peas in a Pod - This is really cute! I've never read anything quite like it, actually! Regarding the ending, I too enjoy open endings, but I felt that you could have done more. It's like you ended the story right where you could have written some real suspense. But your call, I liked the story anyways. It was really cute. Now for some more specific notes: You don't need to tell us what Demali's characteristics are, we already saw them in action. Again, you're telling us what we were already shown. Only the 1st sentence is needed. If they've spent their whole lives in a pea pod, how would Demali know what the lab ray is? Or what normal peas are for that matter? As I read on, more like it. How do they know what forks are? Bowls? Bags? I understand that you need to describe surroundings, but it could have been interesting to read how Zyna and Demali would describe things which are familiar to us but alien to them. Another thing I disliked was how divided the section where they are seperated is. I would have prefered it if you'd lumped their individual experiences together more. But it was your call. All in all, I liked this story for its originality and the character voices. |
|
|
|
Post by Nimras on Nov 21, 2005 17:05:29 GMT -5
Reviews for the sixth and final part of Chronicles of the Court Rogue: Rivalry ( www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=140245&issue=217 ) would be very apprecated! New Series Reviews: When the Weather is Grey by Puppy Ohh, I love listening to rain beat on the windows. I think this is a very good start to a series, it gives very good visual references to help establish where you are, and has enough intrigue to keep the reader going for the next chapter. Though I admit to being a little confused when the story opened with Nili described as a Shadow Wocky, but the picture showed a grey one. *shrug* Than again, Guy once had a Female Royal Quiggle custom for his Male Royal Quiggle, Strophy… Sight by Dan Awww, poor Lage. I think you covered the transition from ‘waking up and I can’t see, what the heck’ to ‘oh dear, this may be permanent’ to ‘this sucks, but I’ll get along fine’ very well, it progressed pretty naturally given the amount of time you had to explain it. I really like how you gave him a job and let him be a productive member of society. The attack scene at the end was a little confusing – I had to read it twice – but it was probably supposed to be, because the main character had no idea what was going on. After the Dance by Kat I’m going to get his out of the way right now; sympathetic Court Dancer stories are usually not my type. Okay, now that that’s out in the open I think this is a good solid beginning for a series. I’m assuming that Callie and Allan are going to be the main characters, since you went to such lengths to describe them. |
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2005 21:46:03 GMT -5
New Series Reviews: When the Weather is Grey by Puppy Ohh, I love listening to rain beat on the windows. I think this is a very good start to a series, it gives very good visual references to help establish where you are, and has enough intrigue to keep the reader going for the next chapter. Though I admit to being a little confused when the story opened with Nili described as a Shadow Wocky, but the picture showed a grey one. *shrug* Than again, Guy once had a Female Royal Quiggle custom for his Male Royal Quiggle, Strophy… Thanks for the review! *hands you a cooked turkey* Yeah, I guess the picture could be slightly misleading, but...I can't get into that, because I don't want to spoil the story... I'll do my reviews tomorrow, when I get home from school, since tomorrow I won't have THREE papers to write, like I did tonight *grumbles*. |
|
|
|
Post by Tashni on Nov 21, 2005 23:34:01 GMT -5
See, I told you I'd do reviews today. I reviewed 3 of the new series.
After the Dance: Part 1 - I like Callista's character, her deviousness and also her insecurity. You've got me curious as to what's going to happen to her and what she's going to do, along with who this Allan is. Overall, you've got me following along, but I must confess, that if I just read this because I was looking for something to read, I would not be anxiously awaiting the next chapter. Just something to consider.
Also, you create the world very well, describing people and places and giving characters voices and accents very quickly. However, in a few spots I felt that you gave too much at once, it stopped the action. The first paragraph was actually in that list. You did include that she was trying to hide and be sneaky, but it was also very clearly a paragraph to describe her, and we really didn't need to know all of that about her right off the bat. The 2nd paragraph was where the action really started. Here are the other two places that jumped out at me:
That first sentence was all that was needed.
Again, we don't need to know all of that. Just tell us he wore dignified clothing and a quiver and that's more than enough.
All in all, it's nice. It apeals to me on the level of characters and what's going to happen to Callista.
Hubrid's Attempted Hero Heist: Part One - The first paragraph confused me on the first read, simply because I had no idea what the setting was. Sure Lisha and Jeran were there, but that only gives possibilities, not certainties, as to location. I understand that you wanted to jump into the action, which you most certainly did! Kudos for that! But I would suggest just one line that clarifies location, like "a shadowy figure honed in on a window of Meridell castle," or something like that. But in the end, your call.
After that, it all flowed very well and was easy to read. You've got me curious as to what's going on, why it happened, and whether or not everyone will be okay. I'm looking forward to seeing the Yellow Knight, too. He seems like an interesting character. I look forward to the next chapter!
Sight: Part 1 - I REALLY like the opening paragraph. It's reflective, it is from the voice of someone who suffered a severe loss, and it shows that the character using dark, bitter humor. All of this makes me want to read on. What happened? Will the character be okay? What is he doing now? Fantastic first paragraph.
The initial panic was great. The blinking several times and then screaming was very natural and very disconcerting. Aylie's reactions were natural as well.
Why is Lage uncomfortable here? He can't see its dilapidation. Does he smell mold? Hear creaking?
The ending was GREAT!! I am SO in suspense for the next issue. Excellent job.
*** Non-NTWF Story Spotlight ***
The short story "Semi-Evil Assistant #4" is one of my favorite stories that I have read in a long time. It is very funny with excellent character voices and witty writing. I suggest anyone looking for a good comedy read look this up!
|
|
|
|
Post by bag on Nov 22, 2005 8:38:31 GMT -5
Galeries Step-By-Step, please.
|
|
|
|
Post by Tashni on Nov 23, 2005 3:14:13 GMT -5
More reviews tomorrow. I'll be doing a bit of everything, short stories, articles, and I might be reading some continued series. I plan on reading the Purple Pebble and Court Rogue, but no promises.
|
|
|
|
Post by Nut on Nov 23, 2005 15:34:26 GMT -5
Two Peas in a Pod
Oh my goodness, the custom pic is LURVE. SO CUTE. Mygoodguild, I love all the custom images you’ve gotten for your stories. You’re so lucky!
… Ahem. Review. I really like the idea behind this story. Pea Chias growing together in a pod—it’s original and sweet. I liked Zyna, quiet and fearful as she was. Their experience in being taken out of the pod was interesting to read about.
Some other peas rolled on top of her. Their weight was not comfortable.
She tumbled against the lifeless, normal peas and gasped. They were so cold and unwelcoming.
I liked how you described all the peas falling back against them in the bag, and how they were the only ones with life.
Now, I do have some criticism on this story. I thought it was broken up a bit more than I’d like during the time of Zyna and Demali’s separation from each other. The ending was left hanging open, cutting the story off at what feels like the most crucial part. That is, it could be the most crucial part if the Pea Chias were to escape from their predicament. Demali’s ending statement combined with the author’s note make it sound like the Chias are not going to live beyond the bowl of peas. Perhaps ending it there was meant to be a way of avoiding showing the death of a couple of vegetable Chias, and if so, I can understand that, though the reader is still left wondering about their fate.
One main thing that I think could have made the story more interesting without is how Demali and Zyna were both highly aware of the world outside, despite being in a pod all their life. One wonders how they gained this knowledge. It would have been more interesting to see their view as unlearned peas who only know of their pod. Some examples of the Pea Chias’ seemingly large range of knowledge:
"Remember when we were really tiny peas at only a week old? And we think we're small now! Of course, we still are small now... But we're huge compared to how we used to be," Demali said.
This is type of thing is written into a lot of stories I see outside of the Neopian Times. “We still are small now”. How do they know that they’re small if they’ve only seen their pod? And wouldn’t they be more inclined to consider other things big, rather than themselves being small? Sorry to pick on this, but it’s sort of a pet peeve of mine when writing about “small” characters.
"At least we have our music: The Neopian Philharmonic, we both like them! And I like Jazzmosis and you like the 2 Gallon Hats. So that keeps us occupied. And oh, I love reminiscing, don't you?" Demali asked.
Perhaps you could have explained how the Pea Chias manage to listen to music inside of their pea pod. Maybe you could have revealed that the pod was growing in a place where music played frequently, or something to that effect.
Life was awful in a pod sometimes. You had no connections with the outside world.
This sentence really provokes the reader into wondering how the Pea Chias know so much about the world that they apparently have no connection to.
"Uh oh. Hey, Zyna. I think that thing is called a fork. It's not good news," Demali said quickly.
It sounds that you are trying to show that Demali knows little about the world here, in that she says “I think that thing is called a fork” as opposed to simply saying something to the meaning of, “That’s a fork!” However, since the reader has already seen that the Chias know an awful lot, it loses its impact.
Other than all this, the story was very cute, and I liked reading it. And I simply cannot get over the image. I’m a fiend for custom pics. :3
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2005 16:17:39 GMT -5
A couple of reviews...
Sight: I love the reflecting that seems to go on in the first couple paragraphs of this story. It grabbed my attention and made me want to read further. The ending is good too, since the cliff-hanger will make people want to come back next week to read the next part. I like that this series is about a pet who's blind, since you don't see that very often in the Times. Overall, I liked the first part and am looking forward to reading the rest of the series!
Galleries Step-By-Step-This seemed like a very informative and helpful guide for anyone who's interested in galleries. It's nice that the information is presented in a very straight-forward manner. One thing I noticed in a few places though, was that you tended to start a lot of your sentences with "you". I would have liked your sentences to have slightly more varied beginnings, but other than that, the article was pretty good!
I'll do a few more reviews later...
Any more reviews for When the Weather is Grey would definitely be awesome!
|
|
|
|
Post by Star on Nov 23, 2005 16:29:23 GMT -5
Ohemgee!!! Thanks a lot!!!!!! Most thorough reivew I've ever had!! Much appreciated! And yes I know, many typos etc. I didn't really think I'd get my story in so I hardly gave it a glance when I supposedly 'edited' it! I noticed so many typos! Lesson learnt. But thanks again! I really learnt something from that! A lot!  |
|
|
|
Post by Dan aint logged in on Nov 23, 2005 17:49:03 GMT -5
A couple of reviews... Sight: I love the reflecting that seems to go on in the first couple paragraphs of this story. It grabbed my attention and made me want to read further. The ending is good too, since the cliff-hanger will make people want to come back next week to read the next part. I like that this series is about a pet who's blind, since you don't see that very often in the Times. Overall, I liked the first part and am looking forward to reading the rest of the series! Thanks very much! |
|
|
|
Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Nov 24, 2005 0:04:19 GMT -5
I know I'm rather late but I wouldn't mind any Two Peas in a Pod reviews or Purple Pebble reviews.  But looks like I have some, so I'll comment. I am tired and need sleep, so these replies might be short. Oh my GOSH. You're right! How do they know what forks and bags and bowls are and things? I never thought of that. Wow, you're so smart, to even think of those things.  But thanks for the review. I like this picture a lot too. :3 Neopets artists do a good job, no? Now... Yes, the seperation part is kind of quick and choppyish. I read this book once, when it was like that, when different things were happening.. I'm rambling. Basically, I did it that way on purpose, but then it didn't out as planned. I don't think. ;P Jeez, I'm tired.  ; Oh yes. And I've had thousands of people ask me to make a sequel because of the way it ended. I wanted it to end that way, but then I decided a sequel might be nice, so. And sometimes it is cool to let the reader wonder, and I've always wanted to do that, because I hate when authors do it to me. xD And yeah, I noticed about how they have more knowledge than they should and I regret making them that intelligent. Thanks for your review. My replies to it must be awful. It's 12:15 AM and Thanksgiving is tomorrow. -rolls eyes- But thanks. xD |
|
|
|
Post by Tashni on Nov 24, 2005 3:44:39 GMT -5
Mygoodguild, you are forgiven for being tired. So I am. So am I. Whatever. Luckily, I wrote some reviews earlier today when I was coherent, and now I post them:
Purple Pebble: Entire Series - I can't say I've ever read a story about a magic purple pebble, so you get points for originality! The characters were good, too. They were different without being the completely cliched "quiet one/fun one" team.
It was all easy to follow and understand, and your descriptions were nice, too; not too much, not too little.
One big problem was that you repeatedly explained things. We don't need things that you've already shown us explained. That only distracts from the story. Here's an example:
The last two sentences are unneeded. When she growled an angry remark at Feri, we know she's angry. And we know from the events that she has no reason to be.
Also, and this is a matter of taste, but I STRONGLY dislike author's notes in the middle of stories:
The angry Feri band at the end was really funny. I just wished I could have seen MORE! You could have created even more suspense and conflict by making it far more difficult for Ollie to get to Feri, and then making it even harder to Feri to forgive or even believe Ollie.
Overall, this was a cute series.
Chronicles of the Court Rogue: Rivalry: Entire Series - This is so long that I had no intention of reading it. But I kept reading all these good reviews about it, so I couldn't resist! All the praise is well deserved.
I am very grateful to you for giving me consistent reminders of who everyone is and what they look like without being monotonous. That's an achievement.
You are also my hero in implying stuff that would otherwise be against the rules. Love, death,"colorful vocabularies."
You effectively put me into the politics of the world, making it complex enough to be interesting, but not so much so that I didn't know what was going on.
The one major complaint I have was the ease of Jasagh's arrest. I wanted a fight! I wanted danger! Suspense! Blood!!! Well, maybe not blood, but you get the point.
I LOVED this series. All around. So many threads intertwined between characters and armies and politics. Really good. And the ending was great. You ARE writing a sequel, right? RIGHT?!
|
|
|
|
Post by Kelly on Nov 24, 2005 11:25:24 GMT -5
Semi-Evil Assistant #4 reviews would be greatly appreciated.
|
|
|
|
Post by Nimras on Nov 24, 2005 23:15:20 GMT -5
Thank you Tashni! *gives brownies* Yes, there is a sequel in the works… I’m 24 or so pages into it now, which means it’s going to be longer than Rivalry’s 29 pages most likely… Help, I’m writing and I can’t shut up.
|
|
But looks like I have some, so I'll comment. 
But thanks for the review.
; Oh yes. And I've had thousands of people ask me to make a sequel because of the way it ended. I wanted it to end that way, but then I decided a sequel might be nice, so. 
