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Post by Twillie on Mar 8, 2024 18:47:01 GMT -5
We sat in relative silence for a while after that. Only the Beast made noise. I watched as Eva fiddled with the gear inside her kayak. She had been right. She always was.
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Feel free to leave reviews on any piece listed above, and let people know if you'd like reviews for your story! If I missed your name and you'd like to be tagged, let me know and I can get that fixed~
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Post by Stephanie (swordlilly) on Mar 8, 2024 22:39:33 GMT -5
A Hero's Journey: Squire - Part Two by Kat
NOOOOOOO, not Theodosia! Dx
I liked the way you introduced Rohane, though. Very good pacing with the squires getting taken one by one, and all the whispering and gossiping around poor Cavall, "the orphan Theodosia took in." It's the perfect transition to the scene where we see Rohane gazing at the portrait of his father:
And then how Rohane appears to the young orphan:
I can already see this mentorship working out aaaaahhh. Rohane, who lost his own father in his early life, now helping to guide this sad lost youth.
I look forward to the next segment <3
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Post by Kat on Mar 8, 2024 23:33:11 GMT -5
A Hero's Journey: Squire - Part Two by Kat
NOOOOOOO, not Theodosia! Dx
I liked the way you introduced Rohane, though. Very good pacing with the squires getting taken one by one, and all the whispering and gossiping around poor Cavall, "the orphan Theodosia took in." It's the perfect transition to the scene where we see Rohane gazing at the portrait of his father:
And then how Rohane appears to the young orphan:
I can already see this mentorship working out aaaaahhh. Rohane, who lost his own father in his early life, now helping to guide this sad lost youth.
I look forward to the next segment <3
Hi Stephanie, thanks for the review! I feel really bad about taking Theodosia out of the picture now, and I want to delve into the events of that timeskip now, maybe in future stories or flashbacks. I know I did this because this is as much Rohane's story as it is Cavall's, but y'know. Again, hindsight 20/20.
I actually didn't think of the parallel! Now that you mention it, it makes sense. Rohane's first mentor was also his father. But this may also have been a case of "where should Jeran run into Rohane for this scene" |
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Post by Serene on Mar 9, 2024 13:44:13 GMT -5
Have only had time to look at the comics so far, but after I grab lunch I plan to sit down and read the stories too. Blossoms~ Digging Deep Part 9 by TwillieI went back and caught up on the whole Digging Deep arc. The jokes in the earlier parts were a lot of fun, but there is so much emotion sewn into the characters in every issue. The subtext of being magic is really well done and handled with a lot of nuance. I really enjoyed seeing Cherry prep and eat the pancakes in the background. The Floating Islanders - Brain Tree by ThemeguyI thought the joke here was super funny, and loved the art. Obviously the dark silhouette panel was incredibly impressive, but I think it felt like it's impact was strengthened even more by how delightfully menacing the smile was the panel before. The Brain Trees expressions throughout were super fun. Especially his bored expression in the bonus section after seeing him so fearful earlier on. Darkest Corner: Ah, this issue! by darkelfaI am absolutely blown away by all the detail in your works. Definitely felt the sibling tension between the two. Above all, I really appreciate how clean everything looks, with so much detail. The use of whitespace and colored backgrounds was really done well. I also just loved the color palette you used. It might be a small detail, but I really loved the speech bubbles that were done over a brushed circle. It just looked really unique! |
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Post by Kyn on Mar 10, 2024 4:43:41 GMT -5
Taming the Beast: Part One by Serene
I want to start off by saying that your writing style has shown a lot of improvement. The phrasing, transitions, characterization – everything flows more smoothly or is more fleshed out. In this particular piece, your passion and experience as a kayaker shines through. I don't know anything about kayaking, but your descriptions are evocative enough that I can imagine the sound of the rushing river, the bobbing and plunging motions of a kayak riding the currents, the–
Wait, why am I wondering how it feels to have your face submerged underwater? Why am I imagining the aftermath of a kayaking accident?!
SERENE I BLAME YOU FOR TAKING MY MIND TO DISQUIETING PLACES
(5-minute intermission while Kyn regains her state of Zen)
Back on topic: if there's a suggestion I'd like to make, it's to trim the first paragraph. This first chapter could have had a stronger hook than it currently does; while the descriptions of the Jade River in the opening lines are beautiful, they don't work that well in terms of giving the audience a compelling reason to keep on reading. To more quickly clue readers in to the extreme water sports setting of the series – and its promise of excitement and adventure in the great outdoors – I'd suggest starting the first paragraph from here:
Also, never underestimate the importance of the dash.
When I first read "The rapid infested waters of the Jade River Narrows", my brain somehow added a comma between 'rapid' and 'infested' and interpreted it as 'the waters of the Jade River Narrows are fast-flowing and infested with some sort of lifeform, probably piranhas'. It took me another reading to realize 'oh, it was supposed to mean that the Jade River Narrows are filled with rapids'. So watch out for how a missing dash can affect the meaning of a sentence.
We're Okay by quanticdreams
When someone says "We're okay", they can mean any one of several different things. Readers find out the exact context of this story's title only in the denouement, and when they do, it's heartbreaking.
The story starts off light-heartedly enough. Brynn and Hanso visit Jazan during one of their artifact-finding expeditions, and their initial meeting is hilarious. Cue the madcap antics and witty repartee that readers have come to love and expect from Janso, but even early on there is foreshadowing of the emotional whiplash to come.
Let me highlight my favourite quote in this story:
Things get very dark very fast. And the reader is left with a sort of morbid appreciation for the author's skill in execution as she deftly unravels the horrors inflicted upon Jazan and Hanso as mere children.
It's common to see fics frame Janso's dynamic as that of bickering frenemies. Far more rarely depicted – and what moved me about this piece – is Jazan and Hanso baring enough vulnerability to bond as kindred spirits. After all, both are victims, with the scars to stand as testimony.
Both are fighters, too stubborn to stay down even in the face of debilitating pain.
Both are survivors, home at last after years of endless drifting.
And by the end of this tale, both have come to a tacit understanding that – no matter how ravaged in body and soul – no matter the marks that never truly fade – they're both Perfectly Okay.
P.S.
Gentlefolk, this is the sort of bombastic verbiage that I delight in articulating, if only to admire the blossoming discombobulation on mine interlocutor's mien.
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Post by Serene on Mar 13, 2024 21:02:52 GMT -5
Taming the Beast: Part One by Serene
I want to start off by saying that your writing style has shown a lot of improvement. The phrasing, transitions, characterization – everything flows more smoothly or is more fleshed out. In this particular piece, your passion and experience as a kayaker shines through. I don't know anything about kayaking, but your descriptions are evocative enough that I can imagine the sound of the rushing river, the bobbing and plunging motions of a kayak riding the currents, the–
Wait, why am I wondering how it feels to have your face submerged underwater? Why am I imagining the aftermath of a kayaking accident?!
SERENE I BLAME YOU FOR TAKING MY MIND TO DISQUIETING PLACES
(5-minute intermission while Kyn regains her state of Zen)
Back on topic: if there's a suggestion I'd like to make, it's to trim the first paragraph. This first chapter could have had a stronger hook than it currently does; while the descriptions of the Jade River in the opening lines are beautiful, they don't work that well in terms of giving the audience a compelling reason to keep on reading. To more quickly clue readers in to the extreme water sports setting of the series – and its promise of excitement and adventure in the great outdoors – I'd suggest starting the first paragraph from here:
Also, never underestimate the importance of the dash.
When I first read "The rapid infested waters of the Jade River Narrows", my brain somehow added a comma between 'rapid' and 'infested' and interpreted it as 'the waters of the Jade River Narrows are fast-flowing and infested with some sort of lifeform, probably piranhas'. It took me another reading to realize 'oh, it was supposed to mean that the Jade River Narrows are filled with rapids'. So watch out for how a missing dash can affect the meaning of a sentence.
Thank you for the review! I am glad you got a chance to see it. I am also glad you are one of the few people that ever got a chance to read some of my older works.  I'll have to remember to keep dashes in mind more in the future. I actually struggled with parts of the story because I wanted to write some technical aspects of the sport, without bogging the text down too much. Obviously the kayaking is mainly meant as a vehicle for the story, but it was harder than I expected to teach a little bit about the sport, without it becoming some convoluted manual. Hopefully, the rest of the series reads decently. I loved the characters in your story. The dynamic between Jazan and Hanso feels real, and you can tell there is a lot of backstory between the two. I am thoroughly impressed how skillfully you managed to get a tracheotomy into the Times. In a way that is easy to understand, but without being crossing the line into grotesque. Nuria and the Sands of Time: Part Two by Gray Wow, I finally got the chance to read both parts to your series, and I am blown away by the pacing. The story manages to pack in a lot of emotion, a lot of vivid details, and is able to do so without any of it being pointless. The first two parts were incredibly well written, and I love how much time is spent building up Nuria's motivations, without just coming out and stating them. It added a lot of weight to her loss. I am very much looking forward to seeing how it turns out. |
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Gray
Occasional Commenter
you're alive, so alive
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Post by Gray on Mar 14, 2024 10:52:30 GMT -5
Wow, I finally got the chance to read both parts to your series, and I am blown away by the pacing. The story manages to pack in a lot of emotion, a lot of vivid details, and is able to do so without any of it being pointless. The first two parts were incredibly well written, and I love how much time is spent building up Nuria's motivations, without just coming out and stating them. It added a lot of weight to her loss. I am very much looking forward to seeing how it turns out. Thank you so much for the kind review! I was telling my partner a couple weeks ago that I felt pacing was one of my biggest struggles in my writing so thank you for sharing that you are enjoying it. I can’t wait to hear what you think of the finale  thank you again. reviews
Taming the Beast by Serene
I think this is a really cool story idea first of all! I'm always struggling with ideas that aren't typical fantasy tales and this feels really fresh especially for the NT! While I like the detailed explanation of the Jade River I think it may have been better placed a little further into the story. It's not a bad opening by any means, I enjoy landscape and environmental worldbuilding of that nature, but I do think the opening could have had a stronger pull if it were focused more in Nate's excitement or (for lack of a better word) infatuation with the Beast. Nate sees an Electric Kougra's reflection in the water and remarks it looks like his own but couldn't be. Maybe the reflection of a parent or sibling? It's funny that the Usul is the "gruff" friend as they are portrayed as such a prissy species typically. Your quote of the week paragraph is excellent, obviously. "Grab lunch at the Giant Omelette" idk i love that Striped Kougra in a yellow kayak. Is Nate Electric or Striped? Maybe i'm right about the reflection being a family member instead. The idea of Camp Tyr, an active and adventurous neighborhood, is so cool and fun i want to live there and learn how to rock climb Aw, I love that his mom sent him neopoints lol Is Nate being interviewed about the Beast or about something else entirely?? I loved this opening part! I can't wait to read more
I don't know much about Hanso, Jazan, and Nabile as I was too young/spastic to pay attention to the narrative of the Lost Desert plot but I really enjoyed your writing style and felt like I got to know the characters very well in a short time.
Your dialogue is a blast to read and made me smile multiple times.
The blend of humor and drama is natural and effective. I really enjoyed it!
I can't believe the shorts joke made it into the NT??? lololol Darkest Corner: Ah, this issue! by darkelfa
Woah! Such a gorgeous comic.
The whitespace makes it feel very clean and elegant and adds so much character/humor to the "YOU WHAT?" panel.
Also, just a really funny idea that you executed very well!
The Floating Islanders - Brain Tree by Themeguy
the diagonal panels over the gradient is so freaking cool
your expressions are so much fun!
I love the bonus joke even more than the main one tbh it was so silly Blossoms~ Digging Deep Parts 1-9 by Twillie
part one I just love the title/opening panel with the snow, the shovel and the text. such a simple and elegant way to open the arc Poor Jonathon seems to be doing all the shoveling lol I'm interested in this weather phenomena. I snorted so hard at the last panel! ... part two is that tarla? idk any neopets characters apparently lolol. anyway i love her and her little chibi form is so cute omg the smoky/foggy effects are so beautiful and mysterious okay so definitely tarla then with the gift. I loved how zany and wild she was it reminded me of 2000's humor a lot but with the benefit of someone writing it in hindsight haha woo, we are going to see Taelia after all ... part three "vibes" lol omg their cliffside mansion is gorgeous but we really need them to release their tax info i was surprised they were going to see the chias but i'm glad they did, it was hilarious ... part four love the sun and clouds so much, i imagine a sidescrolling platformer with your art style would be gorgeous! Aw, I'm enjoying Jonathon and Zathandria going on this adventure and so is she but apparently he isn't? He probably believes he could seek out the answers himself with his own magic? And, yup, question answered. oooh, the arc had hinted at a darker plot underneath but this part solidifies that the plot is truly spooky and mysterious the whole vibe feels uneasy as you're first bothered that Jonathon and Zathandria seemingly aren't having as much fun as you thought and then the unsettling dark shapes in the caves and Jonathon's reactions to them really twists your guts ... part five so spooky omg the little shapes on the edges are nice and i love that the RUMBLE and CRASH don't totally fit in the panel ugh, Jonathon!!! she's being so nice and you're being so angsty i love it ... part six love the opening panel as usual love the tiny tough day she had I mean... it does seem super reckless from an outsider with no magic perspective like just use the stove man did she start cleaning the skillet? lololol ... part seven aw, parental turmoil  i love when "owners" are depicted well the expressions and especially the crying panel are so beautiful and evocative Aw, Cherry is cute and "sink back into the earth from whence I came" is hilarious I love her getting comfortable on the floor and letting her sadness be in a healthy sense it seems like these dramatic endings tho omg ... part eight plot heavy part, i really enjoyed it. you did a great job of making a conversation in the kitchen still feel dynamic and interesting to observe omg what else could there beeee so so so cute with the halloween costumes at the bottom ... part nine aw, this was a heartwarming conversation. I'm glad they aired out the conflict about the magic in the house immediately rather than letting it fester. The magnets on the fridge are adorable Cherry is still the cutest wow Love love love Jonathon's nova wand |
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Post by Serene on Mar 16, 2024 18:17:26 GMT -5
Taming the Beast by Serene I think this is a really cool story idea first of all! I'm always struggling with ideas that aren't typical fantasy tales and this feels really fresh especially for the NT! While I like the detailed explanation of the Jade River I think it may have been better placed a little further into the story. It's not a bad opening by any means, I enjoy landscape and environmental worldbuilding of that nature, but I do think the opening could have had a stronger pull if it were focused more in Nate's excitement or (for lack of a better word) infatuation with the Beast. Nate sees an Electric Kougra's reflection in the water and remarks it looks like his own but couldn't be. Maybe the reflection of a parent or sibling? It's funny that the Usul is the "gruff" friend as they are portrayed as such a prissy species typically. Your quote of the week paragraph is excellent, obviously. "Grab lunch at the Giant Omelette" idk i love that Striped Kougra in a yellow kayak. Is Nate Electric or Striped? Maybe i'm right about the reflection being a family member instead. The idea of Camp Tyr, an active and adventurous neighborhood, is so cool and fun i want to live there and learn how to rock climb Aw, I love that his mom sent him neopoints lol Is Nate being interviewed about the Beast or about something else entirely?? I loved this opening part! I can't wait to read more Thank you so much for taking the time to read the first part of my series.  I definitely appreciate the feedback on the opening. I think I've realized how I probably would restructure the story a little if I were to rewrite it now. Unfortunately, he's meant to be an Electric Kougra, and that is just a product of bad editing. (When I originally wrote the story, I forgot the difference between Electric and Striped. I guess I didn't switch it over when I wrote the second draft and missed it in my final revisions.) I do hope you enjoy the rest of the story. |
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Gray
Occasional Commenter
you're alive, so alive
Posts: 20
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Post by Gray on Mar 16, 2024 18:45:20 GMT -5
I definitely appreciate the feedback on the opening. I think I've realized how I probably would restructure the story a little if I were to rewrite it now. Unfortunately, he's meant to be an Electric Kougra, and that is just a product of bad editing. (When I originally wrote the story, I forgot the difference between Electric and Striped. I guess I didn't switch it over when I wrote the second draft and missed it in my final revisions.) I do hope you enjoy the rest of the story. I totally get it, hindsight is 20/20 especially when it comes to creative endeavors No worries, I noticed an error in Nuria’s first part too (something about seeing three shapes and then only describing two) and I had sworn I’d fixed it lol it happens. I can’t wait to see where the story goes |
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I'll have to remember to keep dashes in mind more in the future.
thank you again.
i love when "owners" are depicted well 