Okay, so...

[Omni]

I'll note that I'm gonna get a little blunt. I don't intend to offend or anything, but I'm tired, my new job is pushing me to extend myself socially, and in general I tend to prefer directness (probably due to being an Autist).

So... Yeah. Just a heads up.



To the point why I'm writing this: The NTWF still holds a special place in my heart. I still have a strong fondness for it, and I still feel a strong connection to it, and a number of the members. I have a strong desire to reconnect, and to reintegrate.

BUT!

It is also the place where much of my social anxiety/phobia/paranoia got started. I still have a lot of trauma over a lot of things that happened. Combine that with the way some of the rules are worded and stuff (don't want to get too much into detail ATM, but basically triggering some traumas for me), and as much as I want to reintegrate... the thought often becomes triggering for me.

Kinda makes things difficult. =/



And yeah, I get a lot of the circumstances behind what happened: Most of us were, like, teenagers at the time. We only knew so much about how to handle things.

And I had a sheltered upbringing, poor social intuition, and not-the-best social models, either.

The way I see it, it was basically a disaster waiting to happen.

Aaaaand it definitely happened. -.-;

And don't get me wrong: Looking back, I can better understand why a lot of people reacted or responded in the way they did. (I don't think it excuses everything, but I do think it explains it, and I'm willing to give some lenience.)

Still... I'm sure a lot of us have a better understanding of trauma now. Regardless of what was actually going on, the way it FELT to me - the way it was from where I was standing - was that essentially anytime I allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable about what I really think/thought and feel/felt, or stand up for myself, I'd get assaulted for it (metaphorically). I'd try as many approaches as I could think of (I recall someone saying my behavior seemed erratic), but what approach I took didn't seem to effect the general outcome.

Or, there's one particular instance in my memory where I was basically blindsided - I had no idea that there were really people who took certain stances; or at least not that they were fairly common, let alone that I was in a community where I was in a minority on this sort of front.

...I had never heard the term "homophobe" before, let alone had it used as an attack against me.

...Certainly helped me to develop a degree of actual phobia about these sort of things. -.-; A phobia that, to this day, I still haven't completely overcome.

(I think I should note that, at the time, I thought any portrayals of certain kinds of attraction and such I saw in comics were just what-if scenarios... fiction. Not intended to be taken seriously. ='D;;;; Gender-swaps were common for-funzies things. Now there's a chance they could be political.

...yeah...)



Now, I've since re-evaluated the part of my religion that directs to allow others the freedom to believe what they will... I now apply it to belief systems in a general, broad sense - not just religion (organized or otherwise). I'm generally willing to live-and-let-live. ...Heck, I think we're going to have to if we want a degree of peace.

And that's what I want: to make peace. To (re)build bridges.

BUT!

I don't want to have to do it at the expense of my own level of self-expression. I also don't want to have to try and force myself to express things in the way a lot of people expect. (Even setting beliefs aside... phobias don't vanish in an instant. The pronouns issue is STILL a struggle for me, even when I can otherwise get along, and work alongside with someone who doesn't identify as cis-gender, and/or hetero... True stories with my last workplace.)

My goal is to try and encourage people of "opposing" viewpoints to be able to speak AND listen more-openly. To respect what we've been through because of each-other, and to try and encourage something better to be created.

This is not just for myself: I understand that it comes from trauma and stuff, but I've still seen - and heard - how the backlash against judgementalism has gotten directed against those who really don't deserve it (e.g. those who ask a genuine, innocent question; or just possibly those from a culture where they couldn't have learned anything else).

I genuinely think that a cycle has formed from it, and to stop the cycle, there will need to be effort on multiple fronts.

...On a personal level, the NTWF is a place where I've gained experiences both positive and negative - on both extremes.

It's also what ultimately encouraged me to start working on my communication skills. A thing I've been working toward on-and-off for over half my life now.

(Anyone remember something that happened from my misapplying a principle in my earlier attempts? ...Back when the karma system was still a thing? Yeah... ='D; )



...In any case, I think for my own healing, I have to address what happened, and where I am now because of it.

And I think I probably have to do one of two things:

1) To reintegrate, and be accepted for who I am, what I've been through, what my struggles are and where I currently am for them, etc.

2) To see if I would be welcome here... and if not, to put this place behind me. Possibly for good this time.

...I hope it doesn't have to be the second... ;;.;; ...If it did come down to that, then at most I might make occasional posts showing my works... but not really interact much.

I'll also be honest about something: I'm not sure I'll be able to check for responses right away. (That's one of the effects of my trauma. ='D; ...I've been working on it. [And besides that, I'll be busy tomorrow with my new job... probably drained, socially. X'D;;; ])

Though... I guess that said, it'll allow time for you to discuss things? ^_^;;;

So... yeah. I'm exhausted right now. I need to get ready for tomorrow. I also know from experience that proof-reading my writing to check for anything that might sound offensive isn't anywhere near foolproof. (And it can be further draining. ='D;;; )

So... I'm just throwing this out there as it is.

So, instead of trying to influence your choices this time... I'll just leave the choice up to you peeps. I'll probably check back in a couple days or something.

Though I will still make the request...

...May we please try to rebuild our relationship(s) with each-other...? 3'=

[Gelquie]

Way I see it, I think there's just a lot that people are trying to say in ways where people just aren't hearing each other. Being from very different cultures (especially sheltered ones) probably doesn't help on that matter. I'm not going to make a choice, because outside of moderation reasons, I don't feel it's my decision. It really depends on you and what you feel is best for you.

Most I can do is try to touch on a few points and see if some understanding can be maintained?

I think I know several of those instances that you're referring to. Some of them for non-political things were, yes, at times out of line on the other forumer's part. Maybe they didn't like an earlier thing but responded in an inappropriate way to something unrelated, maybe someone was just being a jerk, maybe someone is approaching with presumption without hearing what you're actually saying. Way in the past for some of the ones I'm thinking of, I know, but I wanted to validate that part.

For some of the other parts regarding people and politics... I think your bluntness, upbringing, and insistence on self-expression don't do you well on that, at least not to the degree I've seen expressed. I understand the desire to want to speak up about things that are important to you. Sometimes that's fine. Sometimes they involve things that had ultimately hurt or shamed other people. Particularly people in the LGBT+ community. That is a community that had been hurt, marginalized, and killed for their identity, not just had their feelings hurt. I don't think you're going around doing the very latter, but talking about people in that community as if they are an Other Weird Gross Thing, and then defending it by saying it's what you feel and focusing on a perceived namecall instead of addressing your behavior's impact on others... is hurtful to hear, and it feels like shaming over something that people just... are. It's not defensible, and I don't think anyone has ever heard an apology for that. And people remember that. And so, because of that shaming attitude, defensiveness, and lack of accountability on it, people may be wary about talking to you or hearing you out, when they know they might be casually or obliquely attacked for it. Or even if they're not LGBT+, they may not like that way of talking about other people.

I am glad you're making progress on coexisting with the LGBT+ community, though. In the end, we're all people, and in the end, all coworkers and the like will complain about the same coworker things. xP

Some advice on the pronouns thing. Generally, the people (who are making effort) who struggle most with pronouns are the people who don't see someone as having the identity that they hold. The more they have to translate, for example, "female to nonbinary," the more likely they slip up, because they still think of that person as female. Those who recognize that and make efforts to accept the identity in their mind will find themselves slipping up a lot less. Maybe it might help to see gender as a social construct; a way for people to express themselves and who they are, that sometimes doesn't match up with the reality or expectations of one's birth sex.
(That's not even getting into intersex folks, but I'll leave that where it is.)

I understand the autism thing and approaching people The Right Way (which are of course ways that are never explained but are Expected to know). I feel that too, as another autistic person. I still don't know The Right Way (and sometimes I don't care anymore, so long as it's either not hurting people or if it's to fix a problem that otherwise is hurting people). Your case may be more complicated because of your background, which is generally a bit more insular compared to other peoples'. I understand it will always be difficult. I don't think I'll ever figure it all out either.

I wonder if you've ever had coaching for this? It can be in the form of therapy, or it can be some other form of communication coaching. Sometimes I don't understand them as I'm the type to prefer organic conversations over what feels like overly clinical scripts, but they still have useful tips. How to approach a conversation, or how to bring up a point without hurt.
Maybe you've already explored them. I don't know. You don't have to answer me on whether you've approached them, so long as you know your answer and what's available for you in the future.

I would also warn you, I know it's fear doing this on your end, but it generally doesn't look good to drop something big and then leave everyone to the potential fire. And I don't think it does good for your fear either, because the distance and avoidance really only escalate things, both on your end and on our end as there's potential for conversations to spiral out of control, or you or the mods to have to fix. And it might escalate things on this end as there's potential for conversations to get out of control. There are ways to either put the fear aside or accept it, so long as you're facing and working on the issue. I'm not saying you have to be good at it now; just a skill that I think is worth developing, if you can. There might be help for that too, if that's what's best for you and you decide to pursue that.

--
Mods will be keeping a very close watch on this board. On all ends, if you decide to post, try to be constructive. I know there are points to the original post might feel like an open call out to some people. I also understand the importance of trying to bring something like this up, especially when one is at a loss for how to approach this and thus may understandably err that way. And maybe my post isn't perfect either; I dunno. So I'll just warn against it for all sides from here on. If this gets out of hand, I or another mod may lock this or move this out of the public eye to prevent further fires.

[Thorn]

Gelquie has a lot of excellent points. I'll add my own little piece, but they've really got it covered.

Queer people shouldn't feel bad just for existing. Especially not somewhere like the forum, which is for many of us a safe space. I understand if you have trauma from past experiences. Perhaps therapy would help? What if someone said they felt uncomfortable on the forum because there were women here, or African-American folks? Should people of those identities feel bad just for existing in this space? It's a similar scenario.

Everyone trips up on pronouns sometimes. That's not something to feel bad about as long as you're trying, and as long as you acknowledge and correct your mistakes where you see them. The key thing is respect! You didn't know same-sex attraction or transgender identities existed once, but now you do. It's not your fault you didn't learn about this stuff sooner, all you can do is acknowledge it going forward.

As a queer person: I've never felt uncomfortable speaking to you, and I would never shoot down a truly innocent question. If you do have questions about LGBT+ identities or issues, there are many people here who can help answer them or direct you to someone who can. I understand that we are all raised in different environments and exposed to different information growing up, so information some people take for granted might be new and confusing to others. All we can do is help and respect each other.

[Moni]

I think it would probably do you best to bring it up with the mods and anybody who might have been involved, because this thread is genuinely confusing to me and probably a lot of other onlookers. I have no idea what may have happened re: your history and your original post doesn't do a good job enlightening me. I don't know what issues you're talking about or even what you're afraid of right now.

For pronouns, honestly, it's OK to not get those right some of the time, if you're worried about slipping up? The Pronoun Thing (TM) is there because it's a small, HR-friendly quick way to communicate the messy reality of gender and how people relate to it; the important thing is to understand and respect people for who they are.

[Omni]

Okay, I meant to check back within a few days, but had trouble bringing myself to read replies due to anxiety. ='D;;

Aaaaand now it's been a few weeks or so. ^_^;;;

...Guess I'll have to take this even more slowly than I thought. -.-;;;

(...I guess not many replies also means not much written yelling, at least...? ='D;;; )