Need help (And cookies!) with my Pet Spotlight entry.

[downrightdude]

I've written up a story for the Pet Spotlight, but unfortunately it keep getting rejected because it apparently has 'too many characters' or whatever the reason was. So I was hoping some people can overlook my story and help me 'trim' it? And then tell me how I can expand it?

Entry:

SPOILER: Click to show

Sparkles beamed brightly as she sat on her favourite rocking chair and opened her book. She took a sigh and divulged herself in a fantastic tale about a young princess who saved her kingdom from an evil sorcerer.

Ever since she could remember, Sparkles had always been a dreamer. She liked to not only imagine herself as a queen of a faraway land, but she also dreamed of seeing herself make some sort of a difference in Neopia.

Helping those who were less fortunate was something Sparkles had enjoyed, though her hectic schedule of Neoschool, ballet classes, and minding her neohome for her owner Snaw took a majority of her everyday life.

But regardless of what came her way; Sparkles would always find a way to spend some time alone, in the quaintness of her suburban neohome. Those times were some of her most favourite.

Sparkles was also responsible for taking care of her younger cousins Jhoud and Ani while their mother went out shopping. After finishing her book, she would peer down at the living room rug and watch the baby Aisha and baby Korbat play happily with their older cousin Cuddles, who liked to entertain and talk to the babies.

Suddenly Jhoud crawled over to Sparkles and raised her arms. “I’m hungry!” the baby Aisha bellowed. “And I wanna go uppie!”

“Okay,” Sparkles said with a bright smile. She scooped up her little cousin and carried her to the kitchen, where she grabbed a baby bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to the little baby Aisha that was squirming impatiently in her arms.

As soon as she grabbed the bottle, Jhoud drank happily and contently.

“Sparkles, can you get some graham crackers?” Cuddles cried from the living room. “Also, Ani wants something, too!”

After grabbing a second baby bottle and two graham crackers, Sparkles walked back into the living room to hand over the bottle to Ani, as well as the graham crackers to Cuddles. After setting Jhoud next to her sister, Sparkles sat back in her rocking chair, relieved that everyone was taken care of.

It was times like these that she let her maternal side show–by taking care of the babies and Cuddles, Sparkles felt like she was some sort of a young motherly figure, despite not having a mother of her own.

But she didn’t mind; all that mattered to her was taking care of those she cared about, as well as trying her best to make everyone happy. There was something about seeing those she care for smiled that made Sparkles felt warm inside. It was another moment she savoured gratefully.

While the three happy pets played, Sparkles opened her book and continued to read, and fantasize, about a fictional princess she wished she could meet in real life. Could they be the best of friends? Sparkles hoped so, as she loved to make new friends.

***

After a hectic day of housework, spending time with friends, babysitting, reading, and avoiding any of Scary’s devilish pranks, Sparkles sat at the pink table in her bedroom and began to read over the newest short story Snaw had written.

Unfortunately her owner wasn’t very good at spelling, grammar or avoiding the urge to doodle, so Sparkles usually found herself editing and re-writing the story until she felt too tired to continue.

Reading the newest [Usuki Singing Star] story, however, was something Sparkles always looked forward to. She didn’t mind being one of the four main characters, but she also couldn’t feel proud that she was one of the creators of this semi-popular series of short stories and series.

She also felt responsible for helping in formatting each story by editing each one, as if her name were on them and everybody would be reading her stories, not Snaw’s.

But reading Snaw’s eccentric stories gave Sparkles her own story ideas, a private goal to make it in the Neopian Times with her own work. Would other Neopians read her stories? Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’?

As the sound of Snaw’s laughing echoed through the upstairs hallway, Sparkles grabbed her sparkly pink pen and began to edit the newest short story.

There was something about editing a story in the late hours of the day that gave her a very peaceful, feeling from within.

This was, like other times, one of those daily moments Sparkles savoured and felt the most happiest…and important.

Also, all cookies can be places on the nearby clothed table, as Fred #4 shall take your coats.

P.S. Moo moo cock a doodle doo. Moo moo.

[Bianca <3]

Jul 27, 2014 3:02:34 GMT -5 downrightdude said:

I've written up a story for the Pet Spotlight, but unfortunately it keep getting rejected because it apparently has 'too many characters' or whatever the reason was. So I was hoping some people can overlook my story and help me 'trim' it? And then tell me how I can expand it?

Entry:

SPOILER: Click to show

Sparkles beamed brightly as she sat on her favourite rocking chair and opened her book. She took a sigh and divulged herself in a fantastic tale about a young princess who saved her kingdom from an evil sorcerer.

Ever since she could remember, Sparkles had always been a dreamer. She liked to not only imagine herself as a queen of a faraway land, but she also dreamed of seeing herself make some sort of a difference in Neopia.

Helping those who were less fortunate was something Sparkles had enjoyed, though her hectic schedule of Neoschool, ballet classes, and minding her neohome for her owner Snaw took a majority of her everyday life.

But regardless of what came her way; Sparkles would always find a way to spend some time alone, in the quaintness of her suburban neohome. Those times were some of her most favourite.

Sparkles was also responsible for taking care of her younger cousins Jhoud and Ani while their mother went out shopping. After finishing her book, she would peer down at the living room rug and watch the baby Aisha and baby Korbat play happily with their older cousin Cuddles, who liked to entertain and talk to the babies.

Suddenly Jhoud crawled over to Sparkles and raised her arms. “I’m hungry!” the baby Aisha bellowed. “And I wanna go uppie!”

“Okay,” Sparkles said with a bright smile. She scooped up her little cousin and carried her to the kitchen, where she grabbed a baby bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to the little baby Aisha that was squirming impatiently in her arms.

As soon as she grabbed the bottle, Jhoud drank happily and contently.

“Sparkles, can you get some graham crackers?” Cuddles cried from the living room. “Also, Ani wants something, too!”

After grabbing a second baby bottle and two graham crackers, Sparkles walked back into the living room to hand over the bottle to Ani, as well as the graham crackers to Cuddles. After setting Jhoud next to her sister, Sparkles sat back in her rocking chair, relieved that everyone was taken care of.

It was times like these that she let her maternal side show–by taking care of the babies and Cuddles, Sparkles felt like she was some sort of a young motherly figure, despite not having a mother of her own.

But she didn’t mind; all that mattered to her was taking care of those she cared about, as well as trying her best to make everyone happy. There was something about seeing those she care for smiled that made Sparkles felt warm inside. It was another moment she savoured gratefully.

While the three happy pets played, Sparkles opened her book and continued to read, and fantasize, about a fictional princess she wished she could meet in real life. Could they be the best of friends? Sparkles hoped so, as she loved to make new friends.

***

After a hectic day of housework, spending time with friends, babysitting, reading, and avoiding any of Scary’s devilish pranks, Sparkles sat at the pink table in her bedroom and began to read over the newest short story Snaw had written.

Unfortunately her owner wasn’t very good at spelling, grammar or avoiding the urge to doodle, so Sparkles usually found herself editing and re-writing the story until she felt too tired to continue.

Reading the newest [Usuki Singing Star] story, however, was something Sparkles always looked forward to. She didn’t mind being one of the four main characters, but she also couldn’t feel proud that she was one of the creators of this semi-popular series of short stories and series.

She also felt responsible for helping in formatting each story by editing each one, as if her name were on them and everybody would be reading her stories, not Snaw’s.

But reading Snaw’s eccentric stories gave Sparkles her own story ideas, a private goal to make it in the Neopian Times with her own work. Would other Neopians read her stories? Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’?

As the sound of Snaw’s laughing echoed through the upstairs hallway, Sparkles grabbed her sparkly pink pen and began to edit the newest short story.

There was something about editing a story in the late hours of the day that gave her a very peaceful, feeling from within.

This was, like other times, one of those daily moments Sparkles savoured and felt the most happiest…and important.

Also, all cookies can be places on the nearby clothed table, as Fred #4 shall take your coats.

P.S. Moo moo cock a doodle doo. Moo moo.

Okay, so when you first said "too many characters," thought you meant "it's too long/too many words." So I looked at the current winner of the contest, and did a word count, and you definitely have less words than them.

So "too many characters," I'm assuming, has to do with the fact that your story has a lot of characters, as in other neopets. The pet spotlight is supposed to be focused on one pet, so it can get too cluttered if it has too many others in it. It should really focus just on your pet, and maybe one other to show how your main pet deals with something.

I would suggest just to focus on one thing right now. For example, what you've written is kind of divided into two parts: one about reading and babysitting, and the other about editing for the NT. So I suggest choosing just one of those things to talk about to make Sparkles really stand out, so we get a good sense of who she is without mentioning all the others characters. Again, try to stick to Sparkles, and just one or two other characters, and I think it will get in!

Edit: Also, here are those cookies you requested!

[downrightdude]

Fred #4: *takes cookies and coat**places coat in my giant coat closet*

[downrightdude]

I re-wrote the beginning part:

SPOILER: Click to show

Sparkles beamed brightly as she sat up on her bed and looked around her bedroom. Her island Angelpuss, Princess, slept soundly in her petpet bed as her owner brushed her hair in front of her vanity and dressed up in a comfortable dress and sweater. She picked out a cheery red pair of shoes to wear, and spent some time looking over which pair of earrings to wear, as Sparkles insisted that a good outfit was never finished in a hurry.

When breakfast came around, Sparkles took a seat at the breakfast table and ate a spinach and feta omelette while the rest of her family ate bacon and eggs. Nobody seemed to care that she was the only one who was a vegetarian, as Sparkles believed it was heinous for any Neopian to eat meat, mainly because of their questionable sources.

As she ate, Sparkles took out a book from her backpack and immersed herself in a fantastic tale about a young princess who saved her kingdom from an evil sorcerer. With every spoonful of omelette she ate, she would flip one or two pages of her book, ignoring her siblings’ chatters and the sound of Snaw banging his cereal bowl with a wooden spoon.

Ever since she could remember, Sparkles had always been a dreamer. She liked to not only imagine herself as a queen of a faraway land, but she also dreamed of seeing herself make some sort of a difference in Neopia. Helping those who were less fortunate was something Sparkles had enjoyed, though her hectic schedule of Neoschool, ballet classes, and minding her neohome for her owner Snaw took a majority of her everyday life.

But regardless of what came her way, Sparkles would always find a way to spend some time alone in her quaint suburban neohome. Those times were some of her most favourite.

***

After Neoschool had ended and she was done with her weekly ballet classes, Sparkles would usually spend some quiet time at home, but only if she wasn’t babysitting her little cousins while their mother shopped. Sparkles never minded to babysat, as she enjoyed tkaign care of the little baby pets while Cuddles played and talked to them.

It was times like these that she let her maternal side show–by taking care of the babies and Cuddles, Sparkles felt like she was some sort of a young motherly figure, despite not having a mother of her own.

But she didn’t mind; all that mattered to her was taking care of those she cared about, as well as trying her best to make everyone happy. There was something about seeing those she care for smiled that made Sparkles felt warm inside. It was another moment she savoured gratefully.

Sparkles sat down on her favourite rocking chair in the living room and opened her book, continuing to read, and fantasize, about a fictional princess she wished she could meet in real life. Could they be the best of friends? Sparkles hoped so, as she loved to make new friends.

***

After a hectic day of housework, spending time with friends, babysitting, reading, and avoiding any of Scary’s devilish pranks, Sparkles sat at the pink table in her bedroom and began to read over the newest short story Snaw had written.

Unfortunately, her owner wasn’t very good at spelling, grammar or avoiding the urge to doodle, so Sparkles usually found herself editing and re-writing the story until she felt too tired to continue.

Reading the newest Usuki Singing Star story, however, was something Sparkles always looked forward to. She didn’t mind being one of the four main characters, but she also couldn’t feel proud that she was one of the creators of this semi-popular series of short stories and series.

She also felt responsible for helping in formatting each story by editing each one, as if her name were on them and everybody would be reading her stories, not Snaw’s.

But reading Snaw’s eccentric stories gave Sparkles her own story ideas; a private goal to make it in the Neopian Times with her own work. Would other Neopians read her stories? Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’?

As the sound of Snaw’s laughter echoed through the upstairs hallway, Sparkles grabbed her sparkly pink pen and began to edit the newest short story, as there was something about editing a story in the late hours of the day that gave her a very peaceful feeling from within.

This was, like other times, one of those daily moments Sparkles savoured and felt the happiest…and most important.

[Twillie]

I think you definitely fixed the "too many characters" issue that TNT originally gave you. The focus is pretty much just Sparkles now, which is what the Pet Spotlight is about, and I think at this point the writing just needs a few lookovers for it to be ready.

The way it reads right now, the piece basically lists all that Sparkles does with her time, not really describing in specifics what she really is doing and why. Her feelings are expressed well at points, but the prose feels more telling than showing.
With that, I would suggest narrowing the activities Sparkles does. I know it can be hard, as all of those activities make for a round character and you probably want to talk all about her, but it's too much to fit in such a short piece.
It would help to have more of a conflict and resolution, so as to create more interest and passion into what Sparkles does. I would ask myself which of her activities would make for the best story, and go from there. That way, with the story's final words, the readers can feel much closer to Sparkles, like they truly got to know someone new.

[downrightdude]

Conflict eh?.......*introduces Scary*

[Droplet]

The "too many characters" note refers to letters and numbers and punctuation, not content. After some testing, I found the entry goes through if you simply don't put a single quote next to a question mark, as in the sentence "Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’? " Try that. And good luck!

[downrightdude]

Thanks Droplet!