Post by Pixie on Dec 8, 2013 12:29:37 GMT -5
Can I have a known torturer give an implicitly brutal threat concerning a young character if it is not fufilled? Is my plotline to dark all together?
I had been meaning to write a story with the Seekers in it for quite awhile. The story I am currently working on is meant to contrast the Seekers and the Sway. I'm working with some darker themes unstated in the Obelisk War. Katie, the pugnacious child genius treats the Obelisk war as a game. She knocks around a few people with Tiny before finding herself surrounded by the sway. Tiny's circuits are shorted out, and she is taken captive. The Sway's plan is to use her as a hostage so the Duchess can take control over and destroy the Seekers by controlling Lambert and his leadership. This will resolve with Katie and Lambert conspiring and rebooting Tiny and breaking free. It will end with a touching dialogue, that will give the story an brighter touch.
I'm just past the exposition, but I jumped ahead to this part, where the Duchess sets up her ultimatum. This threat in the quote box is based off of a very effective and scary one from one of my favorite video games, Chrono Trigger. Queen Zeal doesn't use as many euphemisms, though. The line is something like, to our perfectly helpless heroes, "Don't worry, I won't kill you. Not yet. First, I'll let you sample every kind of fear and pain." The threat has to carry such great weight that Lambert would consider giving in and keeping resistance underground, so I thought her chilling quote would be the perfect inspiration.
What I really do mean by these lines is to demonstrate the Duchess is ruthless and would torture a child in order to further her own agenda, without explicitly stating it. The Duchess is heavily implied to have tortured that Krawk thieve for information in the Sway video, so I don't really believe it to be too out of character, especially since Katie has hurt members of her side in combat. I tried to fit a lot of character into this line. It's not meant to be
gratuitous. It's a manipulative phrasing because it points all the
responsibility at Lambert even though she's the one threatening them.
Does this need to be changed? If so, what part of it, and to what?
I had been meaning to write a story with the Seekers in it for quite awhile. The story I am currently working on is meant to contrast the Seekers and the Sway. I'm working with some darker themes unstated in the Obelisk War. Katie, the pugnacious child genius treats the Obelisk war as a game. She knocks around a few people with Tiny before finding herself surrounded by the sway. Tiny's circuits are shorted out, and she is taken captive. The Sway's plan is to use her as a hostage so the Duchess can take control over and destroy the Seekers by controlling Lambert and his leadership. This will resolve with Katie and Lambert conspiring and rebooting Tiny and breaking free. It will end with a touching dialogue, that will give the story an brighter touch.
I'm just past the exposition, but I jumped ahead to this part, where the Duchess sets up her ultimatum. This threat in the quote box is based off of a very effective and scary one from one of my favorite video games, Chrono Trigger. Queen Zeal doesn't use as many euphemisms, though. The line is something like, to our perfectly helpless heroes, "Don't worry, I won't kill you. Not yet. First, I'll let you sample every kind of fear and pain." The threat has to carry such great weight that Lambert would consider giving in and keeping resistance underground, so I thought her chilling quote would be the perfect inspiration.
What I really do mean by these lines is to demonstrate the Duchess is ruthless and would torture a child in order to further her own agenda, without explicitly stating it. The Duchess is heavily implied to have tortured that Krawk thieve for information in the Sway video, so I don't really believe it to be too out of character, especially since Katie has hurt members of her side in combat. I tried to fit a lot of character into this line. It's not meant to be
gratuitous. It's a manipulative phrasing because it points all the
responsibility at Lambert even though she's the one threatening them.
“I suggest you capitulate, if you want your dear niece returned in one piece.” The Dutchess chimed, a devious grin forming across her beak. “No, I won’t take her out, not here. She will know all the fear and suffering you allow her too undergo.”
Does this need to be changed? If so, what part of it, and to what?
