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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 0:01:07 GMT -5
I dunno... I just thought this up while day-dreaming...
Jen rushed through underground caves of Neopia, looking for a source of light, holding an egg in her arms. Dodging strange creatures, she saw a faint source of light in the distance.
When she got there, she saw an electirc kougra at a computer, and mutant lupe, pacing back and forth. "Jen!" cried out the mutant lupe, "Where have you been?"
"Sorry," replied Jen, "I decided to see if painting an egg would cause the neopet inside that egg's colour to change. But they just gave me a random egg, so I don't know if it can be island coloured, Hunter."
"Well," said the electric kougra, "let's hope. Otherwise you'll have to get another one." Just as he finished speaking, the egg started cracking. Out I came, a small, island ixi.
"It worked!" shouted the kougra, typing down notes on the computer. I looked cruiously at him, then started pretending to type myself.
"Aww! She's so cute! Okay, Storm," she said, turning to the elcetric kougra, "finish up those notes. Hunter, I'm going to bed. Look after Tali." With that, Jen left and disappeared behind a wall.
I looked up at my two older brothers curiously. Hunter picked me up and set him between him and Storm, and I dozed off, knowing I was safe.
Anyone like it? Think it could get in?
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Post by Gelquie on Feb 12, 2003 0:06:05 GMT -5
I think you would have to make it longer in order to get in, but other than that its fine! ;D
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 0:07:08 GMT -5
I think you would have to make it longer in order to get in, but other than that its fine! ;D No, that's like the beginning of a story. The rest isn't made up yet. Really? You think so? Yay! Anyone have any idea for a title?
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 11:25:56 GMT -5
-slams head against wall- This could be good, but I can't think of a title! -continues slaming head against wall- (Don't worry about it. I do that in gym class all of the time.)
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Post by calvinseviltwin on Feb 12, 2003 11:30:40 GMT -5
Try to think of a phrase used in the story. that helps sometimes
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 11:35:55 GMT -5
Try to think of a phrase used in the story. that helps sometimes Hmm.... I really dunno. All I know is that it's basically 3 pets and their owner that research a ton of stuff, so I could call it "Researchers" but it needs more of a title.
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Post by calvinseviltwin on Feb 12, 2003 11:38:59 GMT -5
Hmm.... I really dunno. All I know is that it's basically 3 pets and their owner that research a ton of stuff, so I could call it "Researchers" but it needs more of a title. Reaserachers is fine
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 11:43:11 GMT -5
Ya, except it kind of needs more to it... ah well. I'll call it Researchers for now. That's all of the story I've got right now.
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Post by Tdyans on Feb 12, 2003 15:02:01 GMT -5
Just worry about getting the story written-- it's not big deal if you don't have a title right away. It may come to you once you've got it all down.
As for what you've written so far, you do a strange little point of view change in the middle there. It starts out being presumably in third person and then when the Ixi hatches, it switches over to first person all of a sudden. If you want to have it from her first person point of view, why not have it that way from the very beginning? You can have her describe what it's like being inside the egg, not being sure what's going on, being cramped and in the dark. She can feel herself being carried and hear muffled voices outside (and then you allow your other characters to have their conversation.) Then she describes hatching from the egg and there you go!
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Post by noremac9 on Feb 12, 2003 15:23:37 GMT -5
Sometimes titles are there right away, but you can wait until the last minute just as easily. I do both, it just depends on the piece.
Point of view is something to keep an eye on, at all times. It's easy to suddenly switch, and it can throw the reader off. It really threw me off, when suddenly the pet inside the egg is talking. Fix that, and it'll be much better.
Hunter is my brother's name. =)
-Noremac9
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 19:19:45 GMT -5
Ya, I wouldn't have a problem with it, except for the fact that I put the title as the name of the file, and if I don't, it'll seriously cinfuse me.
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 12, 2003 23:21:32 GMT -5
Here's the edited part up to where I got to in the post here... lemme know if it's any better:
My stay inside an egg wasn’t a pleasant one. First, I was thrown onto a hard surface, and then my egg was thrust into something soft… almost squishy. The whole time, I had been surrounded by a warm liquid and staring at the pretty light that had been entering my egg. A warm, tropical liquid covered my egg. It smelled like mangos… it was really refreshing!
Then, the warm, coziness stopped as the soft, squishy feeling turned into bumps. There was no more light, and no more comfort. That was the first time I got scared. Suddenly, there was a swift downward movement that almost sent my egg tumbling.
Then, finally, I could see a dim sliver of light. Reassured, I noticed that the bumps had also stopped. The light grew and grew until I was set on a hard surface, like the one that I had been put on a while earlier.
Suddenly, all of the water just disappeared. I heard a sharp crack, and looked up words to see my egg breaking up. Thinking everything had gone wrong, I shoved up my hooves at the crack, hoping to block it. The whole time, I had heard muffled voices.
“Where were you?” came a muffled voice, with a questioning tone to it.
“Sorry, Hunter,” replied a slightly clearer voice. “I was testing ‘Paint Brush Experiment: Egg.’”
“Well, what kind of pet is it?” asked the first voice.
“I don’t know. They just gave me a random egg,” came the second voice. “I don’t know if it can be island coloured, though.”
“That isn’t good,” said a third voice, “we won’t know if it will work then.”
At that very moment, I started to feel different. Still putting my hooves up against the crack, I looked down at myself, only to see something strange. My blue fur was changing into a light brown, with white markings coming with the brown fur. Some “plant rings” appeared on my hind ankles, along with an earring at the top of my left ear and a necklace with a tooth on it around my neck. With the combined weight of the tooth on the necklace, I fell, causing the egg to break. I had hatched.
At first, the light blinded me. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I became more aware of my surroundings. There was a warm, comforting light, with a computer, I later learned, and my siblings and owner, as I eventually figured out.
“It worked!” shouted the third voice, belonging to an electric kougra. The kougra began to furiously type down notes. Curiously looking at him, I began to pretend to type myself, waving my hooves in the air, smashing them down on imaginary keys.
“It’s about time we found that out,” said the first voice, belonging to a mutant lupe.
“Oh, be quiet, Hunter,” said the second voice, belonging to my owner. She then turned to the electric kougra. “Storm, finish those notes. I’m going to bed.” With that, she turned away from us, and disappeared behind a wall.
“Aye-aye, captain,” called Storm after her, grinning. The mutant lupe sighed.
“My name is Jen, and I’m the boss of everyone. Blah-blah-blah,” sneered Hunter. Jen ignored him.
“Just look after Tali, got it? Good,” said Jen, annoyed.
“Whatever,” said Hunter, picking me up. He set me in between him and Storm, who had just finished taking notes. In between my two older brothers, I dozed off, knowing I was safe.
Is it any better?
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 13, 2003 16:23:52 GMT -5
I'm having problems coming up with the next part... mmph. All I have is The next day... or Later...
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Post by teghan62 on Feb 22, 2003 16:50:42 GMT -5
Yay! I'm done... any one want to read it? Probably not... whatever. -.o
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