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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2003 4:17:31 GMT -5
I am starting a series, Its about a professor trying to develop the first neopian toilet and his run ins with the mafia on the way.
Should be fuunny, check it out.
Ill have the first bit up soon.
In need of a title.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2003 9:33:20 GMT -5
“EURIKA!” Shouted the young blue Scorchio, admiring the object on the table before him. “EURIKA, EURIKA and another EURIKA!” He didn’t know why he was yelling it, it just seemed necessary. “I’ve finally done it; I finally created the first…” An explosion shook the room; the walls were splattered with a fine layer of dung. The creatures’ eyes fell on to the smouldering wreck in front of him and he let out a sigh.
thats the first paragraph.
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Post by sollunaestrella on Jan 18, 2003 9:41:14 GMT -5
Heh...I love the idea.... ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2003 9:52:20 GMT -5
I was thinking of having of havind adam donna and el picklasaur as the mafia. They use pickle shooting tommy guns.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2003 13:45:53 GMT -5
ok, here's the complete first chapter. It needs to be longer though.
“EUREKA!” Shouted the young blue Scorchio, admiring the object on the table before him. “EUREKA, EUREKA and another EUREKA!” He didn’t know why he was yelling it just seemed necessary. “I’ve finally done it; I’ve finally created the first…” An explosion shook the room; the walls were splattered with a fine layer of dung. The creatures’ eyes fell on to the smouldering wreck in front of him and he let out a short sigh of sadness. His eyes played shortly across the room. They took in the many burning toilet seats, the Chet Flash brand disenfectant and all his paperwork. He looked up towards the door of the workshop, his friend Vera was standing there.
“Hey Charlie.” She said as she descended the stairs.
“Oh, hey Vera.” He replied while fiddling with some screws.
“What are you doing this time?” She asked. She knew he had an obsession with inventing, but she had never seen him so disheartened when his contraptions failed.
“Oh, I’m just working on a prototype. I call it a non-portable re-usable flush clean dung disposer.” He said, then, looking at her confused expression, continued. “Its one of those toilets the new owners talk about when they first arrive here in Neopia. Could be the greatest thing ever to come to Neopia.”
“Well, good luck. I just came over to see if you wanted to come and check out that new game Zurroball? It’s supposed to be the new Gormball”
“Well, works going fine, so I can take an hour out.” Replied Charlie as they left the workshop.
Across town a plan was brewing.
“We cannot have this insignificant Neopet inventing toilets! I told you when we first started this place up that we should put it in the rules never to mention those things, but nnooooo,” shouted the nervous wreck that was Adam. “It would be too unusual not to mention toilets.”
“But…” murmured Donna.
“But nothing!” He cut in. “I knew this would happen some day, when this place became huge, so now your going to have to sort it out! Our master plan will never work if you carry on with this incompetence! Run over the plan once more, just to show you under stand.”
“Yes Sir. We lure hundreds of unsuspecting users here then use them as our slaves when they go crazy from being deprived of the things.” Donna said, rolling her eyes.
“Good, now go get El Picklesaur, he’s the head of the war division and we need to wipe our noses of this cockroach inventor and throw him out with the tissues.” Adam said, his eyes flashing. The woman marched out of the small office. Adam quickly checked to see if the coast was clear, then mover towards the mirror. He stared at himself with a blank expression. Then his hand twitched into a wave.
“Hello fans, hello.” He said in a loving voice. He soon collected himself, idol dreams would have to wait, he marched back to his desk as he heard noise in the corridor. “Incompetent fools, this world will be mine for the taking!”
Donna marched back in with a figure at her side. He was wearing a pristine suite with a long sued cape hanging off the back.
“Pickly!” Adam said clapping El Picklesaur on the back, “new business clothes? Love the umm… traditional flair.” El Picklesaur helped him self to a chair then focused on his boss.
“We our having some troubles with an inventor, we need your help to, dispose of him.” Adam said coolly.
“Yes boss, I have a new gun just recently produced, not even out yet. Should be just the thing. It’s called the pickle job 300.” El Picklesaur replied in an expressionless tone.
“Good, Very good. Muahahahahahahah ha ho hum.”
Vera and Charlie walked through the dusty streets.
“So, how’d you like the game?” Vera asked.
“Stupid bouncy rock, I swear mine was defective!” Charlie replied.
“Oh come on! It wasn’t that bad!”
“Oh look who’s talking miss oh yeah I got a high score I cant wait to polish my brand spanking new trophy!” Charlie muttered in an imitating voice. Vera looked sadly at her shoes, she was so sensitive and he new she didn’t mean to brag. “I’m sorry, lets go back to mine and celebrate.”
“Ok, I could never pass up one of your burritos!” she replied, cheering up a whole bit.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2003 13:30:35 GMT -5
As they entered the house their jaws dropped. The place was a tip. They ran down into the workshop. All the papers were burning on the floor and the models were smashed.
“I’ve been hit!” Shrieked Charlie. They both ran back upstairs. The tall form of Donna met them, a grimace playing across her face. Charlie fainted. Vera looked down at him and gulped. She was alone. She looked back up at Donna.
“Please don’t freeze me.” She managed to squeak.
“Oh believe me dear, I wont hurt a single hair on your sweet little head. Your neck on the other hand is a different matter.” She replied, pulling out a dart gun. Vera felt a small twinge in her neck before slumping down onto her companion.
“Usuls’,” said Donna rolling her eyes. “Always so simple.”
“That’s the reason we created them dear,” chuckled Adam, stepping out of the shadows
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Post by Lappi on Jan 23, 2003 17:38:02 GMT -5
Ooohhh, I don't think you should be doing that to Donna and Adam. It's a perfect story and all, but you know . . .
And on the short sentances and quotes, like "Hello Charlie", there should be a comma and not a period. On one of them, you forgot a puncuation . . .
. . . It’s supposed to be the new Gormball(.)”
Thar vee goo. That's about it. Except for the end there.
Once again, I love your idea, but saying Donna and Adam does those things is really . . . not good. Sorry 'bout that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2003 16:44:29 GMT -5
thanks lapin, but idlike to see if josh put it in despite that. My own conmplaing back fired on me, i asked for neopian toilets and none came, so I did a story on it and the next day, poof, we have lavatory off.
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