Neopias Favourite Space Pirates:Ruling Darigan

[Deleted]

Hi I'm new to NTWF but I was all ready in NTAG So I would really appreciate it if somebody said the things I need to work on in my story. Don't worry if your to harsh, it'll just help me. From where I see it, I need A LOT of help because this is my first comedy, as a matter of fact my first story. Personally, I don't think it's ready for the Times. I've been in the Times before with an article called "Surviving as a Young Neopian" in issue 76. ;D So I hope someone has the time to look at it... Writers, Artists, and Readers, Neopias Favourite Space Pirates and Lord Darigan. Hope you like it!

<p>*Jingle* *Jingle* “Money for the poor,” begged a Christmas Kougra in an ugly patched brown t-shirt to a robot Kacheek, “Money for the poor!” “Yeah,” said a Mutant Buzz in the same clothes, except aiming a Alien Aisha Ray Gun a the Kacheek, “Or else will blast you into oblivion!” “EEK!” screamed the robot Kacheek, “Run for your lives! Call the cops! HELP!” “You know, Zemblo,” said the Christmas Kougra turning to the mutant Buzz, “You really must stop doing that!” “Doing what?” asked Zemblo, the mutant Buzz, turning to the Christmas Kougra, “Trying to stay alive, Saenchoe? This is how life works in Neopia! People earn Neopoints, and we steel them! Fair and square!” “We must make a new approach at this whole, life, thing,” said Saenchoe, the Christmas Kougra. “How?” asked Zemblo, “We live on a lunch table in the Grundo Café! We’re beggars! With out this ray gun, we’d be dead! And everyone knows there is only one approach to shooting! You aim, then you press the trigger!” “I mean getting a job!” said Saenchoe, “Look at this sign!” “Wow,” said Zemblo, “It’s a sign!” “Read it, nincompoop!” said Saenchoe. “Fine,” said Zemblo, “Space pirates needed. Call 1-888-666-SLOTH. Why on earth would I want to be a space pirate?” “You could get that Asparagus Ray Gun you always wanted!” exclaimed Saenchoe, “And besides, the job is what you like doing best! Pushing people around and shooting them with ray guns!” “What are we waiting for?” asked Zemblo, “Let’s steal 25 neopoints so we can use a pay phone!”
<p>
<p>“Are you sure this is the right place?” asked Saenchoe, shivering. “What a wuss!” said Zemblo. “Yes,” said a smooth voice behind them, “HE has been awaiting your arrival!” “EEK!” screamed Saenchoe as he jumped around to see a mutant Grundo. “Careful not to wet your self!” said Zemblo. They followed the mutant Grundo into a chamber, and I think it was obvious whom they saw…
<p>
<p>“Ugh!” complained Zemblo, “That, by far, is the NASTIEST thing I’ve ever seen!” “Uh, excuse me,” said Saenchoe, looking rather wheezy, “Uh, is their somewhere, like a toilet where I can, yah know… BLEH! Never mind…” “GUARDS!” shouted Dr. Sloth, “GUARDS! Take this slave to the torture chamber at once!” “No,” said the mutant Grundo that had guided them there, being dragged out of the ‘chamber,’ “NO!!! Please! I’m a newbie around here! Give me some slack! NO!!!” “Sheesh, can’t anyone get any privacy around here!” moaned Sloth, “Sure, he’s a newbie, but he should at least know the difference between the bath room and my office!” “Are those your…” said Saenchoe, looking quite uncomfortable, “BLEH!” “Somebody get the custodian in here!” shouted Dr. Sloth.
<p>
<p> “Uh, that’s better,” said Sloth, “In my suit, ready for another day of evil! So, what are you to idiots doing here?” “Uh, we came here to apply for the job,” said Saenchoe, feeling slightly better. “Uh, go see my book-keeper,” said Sloth. “We should?” asked Zemblo. “You should what?” asked Sloth. “Go see your book-keeper!” said Saenchoe. “Who should?” asked Sloth. “We should!” yelled Zemblo, getting impatient. “Who are you?” asked Sloth, spinning around in his chair like a child. “The people who are applying for the job of space pirates you asked to see the BOOK-KEEPER!” shouted Saenchoe. “What book-keeper?” asked Sloth. “That’s it!” shouted Zemblo, pulling out his Alien Aisha Ray Gun, “I `otta…” “Ooh,” said Sloth, “I like this guy! Guide them to their new ship!” A slave mutant GRUNDO dragged them off out of the chamber…
<p>
<p> “You call his a ship?!?” said Saenchoe, disappointed, “It’s a piece of scrap!” “Sorry,” said the mutant Grundo, “It’s all we currently have. The great Dr. Sloth thought it was carrying high-tech weapons to ‘The Defenders of Neopia’ and ordered us to abduct it.” “You mean this ship is filled with some of the most advanced weapons in Neopia?” asked Zemblo, “It’s a dream come true!” “Actually, no,” said the Grundo, “It really was bringing a load of plushies to the toyshop from Virtupets Toys Co.” “No time to waste,” shouted Sloth, “Go, go, GO!” “But, wait…” murmured Saenchoe, just before the door was slammed. “Prepare for take off,” said another Grundo slave from inside a tower, “3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF!”
<p>

[Deleted]

<p>About a minute later, inside the ship, Saenchoe and Zemblo were scrambled up at the back of the ship covered in plushies. “That was really a here’s-your-hat-what’s-your-hurry situation,” said Saenchoe, rubbing his head, “He didn’t even tell us are first mission!” All a sudden, the screen on the dashboard started getting static. “It’s Sloth!” said Saenchoe, as the static started to go off. “Anyway,” said Sloth, “Now that you’re out their, I’ll tell you your mission. I want you to take over Darigan for me.” “WHAT?!?” shouted Zemblo, “Take over DARIGAN?!?” “Yes, I’m starting you off with easy missions,” said Sloth, as if it was a piece of cake, “Anyway, I want to take full control over Darigan so I will be able to control their army. Over half of Neopias strong fighters are apart of that army! If I could take lead, I will finally be able to start my reign over Neopia!” “Easy?” said Saenchoe. “Sorry,” said Sloth, “I have to go. That Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich is calling out my name!”
<p>
<p> “We’re approaching, Zemblo!” said Saenchoe, “So that’s what the ‘Citadel of Darigan’ looks like.” “I bet they’ve got TONS of ray guns in storage there!” exclaimed Zemblo, jumping up and down like he has to go to the bathroom. “Will you take your mind off guns for a while!” said Saenchoe, watching Zemblo jump with glee, “First we need to think about how we’re going to take over Darigan!”
<p>
<p> In the Darigan Castle, they approached two growling Draconanian Skeiths with ferocious Drackonacks on leashes. “Uh,” said Zemblo, pondering, “Look! A Spyder!” “EEK!” “Where! Where! Is it on me?” they screamed. Then they ran away like little girls. “Well that takes care of that,” said Zemblo, proudly with his chin up. As they entered the castle, a Draconanian Grarrl approached them. “Oh they’re here!” it said, cheerfully, sort or squeaky, maybe even sort of pathetic, “He has been waiting for you! Come in! Come in!” Zemblo and Saenchoe just looked at each other. “Let’s just follow the feminine Grarrl,” said Saenchoe, “This might be a good start. He--er, I think he—will most likely lead us to Lord Darigan.” “Lord Darigan?!?” said Zemblo, “I heard he’s scarier then Donna!” “Oh, pa-lease,” said Saenchoe, “Nothings that scary!”
<p>
<p>As they approached the two gigantic doors leading to the throne room, the Draconanian Grarrl joyfully skipped up behind them. He opened the doors and squeakily said, “Wa-la! Your two little slaves are here! Now excuse me while I go have some tea! Hee-hee!” “Slaves?!?” yelled Zemblo, “We’re no ones…” “Quiet, Zemblo,” whispered Saenchoe, “Just go along with it. And technically, we’re Sloth’s slaves…” “No were his…” Zemblo almost finished, but all a sudden the emperor started mumbling. “Aw-hawv-nee-owg-i-taws!” said the emperor with a swollen mouth. “Whatty-whatty-what-what?” said Zemblo, confused. “Grr,” he said, with his fists tight. Then he took a notebook from behind his chair and started writing. Then he ripped the piece of paper off and he gave it to them. It said:
<p>
<p>I said I have Neogitus, you nincompoops!
<p>Bring me a Medicinal toothbrush NOW!!!
<p>
<p>“Ok, er, where do you keep the medical suplies?” asked Saenchoe. “Wa dawn’t,” said the Lord. “We taunt?” asked Saenchoe. “No, he said we want,” replied Zemblo. “No but that doesn’t make sense either… Maybe it’s…” said Zemblo, when Lord Darigan stuffed another note in his face. It read:
<p>
<p>Just hurry and go to Meridell
<p>to get some before I EAT YOU!!!
<p>
<p>Saenchoe and Zemblo were about to scurry out when his Moehog guard came up to him with another note. He then took the note and read it. “The great lord says, ‘You fools!” read the Moehog, “You can’t go down to Meridell from Darigan without disguise! You’d last about as long as those skeletons in the corner lasted against me!’” “Well for one,” started Zemblo, “How do you suggest we go down there then, your evilness, and for two, that really depends how strong those Neopets were.” The emperor handed his guard another note. “The great lord says, ‘For one,” started the Moehog, simply dress as a great Meridell hero…” Then another guard grabbed the armor off of two skeletons. “And for two,” he continued, “Those skeletons belonged to foolish newbies who pets were level ONE! Now take your rusty lame little useless ship down there and get me some medicine!”
<p>
<p>In the Meridell market, there was much misery. People looked tired, beat, and weak. As they left the medicine shop, Zemblo said, “Let’s hurry up and get out of this stinky place!” “Were not done yet,” said Zemblo. “Are you blind?!?” said Zemblo, “We have the stinkin’ toothbrush! Now let’s get out of here!” “We have to make everything perfect! This is for one of the great lords of Neopia!” said Saenchoe. “You’re starting to sound like you really are his slave!” said Zemblo, getting impatient. “Look, the emperor was probably thinking he was going to get the best workers around!” explained Saenchoe, “Let’s keep him believing that! That way he won’t expect us to destroy him! Now what can we use to add a little touch of royalty…” “Fine,” said Zemblo, “I have a plan. Just follow me to the ship!”
<p>
<p>In the ship, Zemblo was digging through a pile of plushies. “No… No… Yes! This will do fine!” “What are you babbling on about now?” asked Saenchoe. “Oh, I just found a little get-well gift to add to the toothbrush!” said Zemblo. “Well, what is it?” asked Saenchoe. “Oh,” he said, “Just a expensive Cybunny Plushie I found at the back of this so called, ‘rusty lame little useless ship.’” “Zemblo, we’re talking about one of the most fierce and evil neopians around” said Saenchoe, “and you plan on giving him a Cybunny plushie? He’ll hate it!” “Ah, who cares,” said Zemblo, as if it was nothing, “He’ll know we tried!” “Ah, I suppose your right,” said Saenchoe, finally coming to an agreement, “As long as it’s rare and expensive…”
<p>
<p>On the Citadel of Darigan, they slowly walked up to Lord Darigan, holding his swollen cheeks. “Awh, it’s finawly har!” he mumble, “It tawk ya longe enawf.” “Yes,” said Saenchoe, with a cheery smile, “Not only that, but we got you an extra surprise!” “Ooh, wot is it, an expawnsive hawden tawer itawm?” he said, clapping his hands. “Er, no… But we did get you a rare, expensive…” said Zemblo, almost finishing his sentence. “A wot? A wot?” he kept on asking, “I dawn’t hawv owe day.” “A magnificent CYBUNNY PLUSHIE!!!” said Saenchoe, acting as if it was the greatest item in the world. There was a great moment of silence through the room. Then all a sudden… “EEE! EEE! HELP ME! CYBUNNY! PUSH THE RED BUTTON!” screamed Lord Darigan. Then tens, maybe even HUNDREDS of Darigan Elementals came charging in, then got in a circle around the Cybunny Plushie, ready to attack. “Careful,” said Lord Darigan, shivering at the tip of his chair, “It’s a feisty one!” Then, all of the Elementals started jumping on the Cybunny and attacking it. When the cloud of dust cleared, the Cybunny plushie was nowhere to be found, but the Elementals looked as if they had been through the war again. They all slowly walked out one door with all there aches and bruises. “THAT’S IT!” shouted the Lord, “I’ve almost had it with you slaves! Now get your butts out of here!” “Think of it this way, sir,” said Saenchoe, “It appears you screamed so much you mouths no longer swollen!” “Oh, your right,” he said, “But still, GET OUT NOW!!!”
<p>
<p>”Who ever knew Draconanians were so scared of Cybunnies!” said Zemblo. “Yes…” said Saenchoe, concentrating on something, “And I think everything is adding up how we’re going to rule Darigan! Come on! We need to go plushie hunting again…”
<p>
<p>Later on, Saenchoe and Zemblo were walking down the hallway to the throne room with something “special” for the lord. On their way, they wouldn’t stop blabbering things to each other, since they were so happy. “You rule!” “No, it’s all you, man.” “We don’t even need Sloth anymore!” Was what they were saying, so full of them selves. Then they heard his footprints walking up to them around the corner. “Shh,” said Saenchoe, “He’s coming!”
He walked across the corner and…
<p>
<p>*poof!* *sprinkle!* *pow!* *puff!*
<p>
<p> “Aha!” “Victory is ours!” “We rule Darigan at last!” Were things they shouted. They had turned him into the red Cybunny with a Magical Plushie! They looked down at him, but he didn’t look scared. He just looked mad. “Your FIRED!” he shouted. “HA! We never did work for you, Lord Darigan!” “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?” he said, “I’m not Lord Darigan! I came to check up on you newbies! I’M DR. SLOTH! MUTANT SLAVES, GET THEM!!!” They ran straight to the docking bay, ran into the ship, and just barely got away.
<p>
<p>“Where to now, brother?” asked Zemblo. “I heard the Pant Devil is hiring an army of wedgiers!” said Saechoe, acting like nothing just happened. “I’m there!” replied Zemblo, ready to have some fun.
<p>
<p>_____________________________________________________________
<p>
<p> “Ah, to have my mouth back,” said Lord Darigan, feeling his gums, “I wonder where those to meddling slaves are…” All a sudden, the feminine Draconanian Grarrl hopped through to door again, this time with an Aisha and a Mutant Chia. “Hee-hee-hee!” giggled the Grarrl, “Good news, sir! The REAL slaves are here now! Now excuse me, it’s time for tea!” “No…” he said quietly, “NO… NO!!! It’s happening all over again! I’m DOOMED!!!” He ran screaming out of the room. “I don’t know about you, but so far, I think Darigan is just plain weird, Semblo,” said the Aisha turning to the mutant Chia. “I agree, Zaenchoe,” said the Mutant Chia.
<p>
<p>The End…
<p>
<p>…or is it?

[Deleted]

OK, so according to tdyans, I should put another message on here if I want people to notice it, so... Anyone there... I'm SO lonely ... *does a little dance* ;D Do-dodo-do!

[Deleted]

Nothing to see here... just putting my story up to the top of the list so it'll get noticed... Were moving... Were moving...

[Tdyans]

The said:

<p>*Jingle* *Jingle* “Money for the poor,” begged a Christmas Kougra in an ugly patched brown t-shirt to a robot Kacheek. “Money for the poor!”

<p>Remember, start a new paragraph any time a different character speaks-- it will be much less confusing to your readers. “Yeah,” said a Mutant Buzz in the same clothes, aiming an Alien Aisha Ray Gun at the Kacheek, “or else we'll blast you into oblivion!”

<p> “EEK!” screamed the robot Kacheek. “Run for your lives! Call the cops! HELP!”

<p>“You know, Zemblo,” said the Christmas Kougra, turning to the mutant Buzz, “you really must stop doing that!”

<p>“Doing what?” asked Zemblo, the mutant Buzz. “Trying to stay alive, Saenchoe? This is how life works in Neopia! People earn Neopoints, and we steal them! Fair and square!”

<p>“We must make a new approach at this whole life thing,” said Saenchoe.

<p>“How?” asked Zemblo. “We live on a lunch table in the Grundo Café! We’re beggars! Without this ray gun, we’d be dead! And everyone knows there is only one approach to shooting! You aim, then you press the trigger!”

<p>“I mean getting a job!” said Saenchoe. “Look at this sign!” Help us picture what's going on here, with something like He pointed to a sign that hung on the wall beside them.

<p>“Wow,” said Zemblo. “It’s a sign!”

<p>“Read it, nincompoop!” said Saenchoe.

<p>“Fine,” said Zemblo. “Space pirates needed. Call 1-888-SLOTH. Why on earth would I want to be a space pirate?”

<p>“You could get that Asparagus Ray Gun you always wanted!” exclaimed Saenchoe. “And besides, the job is what you like doing best! Pushing people around and shooting them with ray guns!”

<p> “What are we waiting for?” asked Zemblo, “Let’s steal 25 neopoints so we can use a pay phone!”

<p>***

<p>“Are you sure this is the right place?” asked Saenchoe, shivering.

<p>“What a wuss!” said Zemblo.

<p>“Yes,” said a smooth voice behind them. “HE has been awaiting your arrival!”

<p>“EEK!” screamed Saenchoe as he jumped around to see a mutant Grundo.

<p>“Careful not to wet your self!” said Zemblo. They followed the mutant Grundo into a chamber, and I think it's obvious whom they saw…

<p>***

<p>“Ugh!” complained Zemblo. “That, by far, is the NASTIEST thing I’ve ever seen!”

<p>“Uh, excuse me,” said Saenchoe, looking rather wheezy, “uh, is their somewhere, like a toilet where I can, yah know… BLEH! Never mind…”

<p>“GUARDS!” shouted Dr. Sloth. “GUARDS! Take this slave to the torture chamber at once!”

<p>“No,” said the mutant Grundo that had guided them there, as he was dragged out of the "chamber." “NO!!! Please! I’m a newbie around here! Give me some slack! NO!!!”

<p>“Sheesh, can’t anyone get any privacy around here!” moaned Sloth. “Sure, he’s a newbie, but he should at least know the difference between the bathroom and my office!”

<p>“Are those your…” said Saenchoe, looking quite uncomfortable. “BLEH!”

<p>“Somebody get the custodian in here!” shouted Dr. Sloth.
<p>***

<p> “Uh, that’s better,” said Sloth, “In my suit, ready for another day of evil! So, what are you two idiots doing here?”

<p> “Uh, we came here to apply for the job,” said Saenchoe, feeling slightly better.

<p>“Uh, go see my book-keeper,” said Sloth.

<p>“We should?” asked Zemblo.

<p>“You should what?” asked Sloth.

<p>“Go see your book-keeper!” said Saenchoe.

<p>“Who should?” asked Sloth.

<p>“We should!” yelled Zemblo, getting impatient.

<p>“Who are you?” asked Sloth, spinning around in his chair like a child.

<p>“The Neopets who are applying for the job of space pirates, who you asked to see the BOOK-KEEPER!” shouted Saenchoe.

<p>“What book-keeper?” asked Sloth.

<p> “That’s it!” shouted Zemblo, pulling out his Alien Aisha Ray Gun. “I oughtta…”

<p>“Ooh,” said Sloth, “I like this guy! Guide them to their new ship!” A slave mutant grundo dragged them off out of the chamber…

<p>***

<p> “You call his a ship?!” said Saenchoe, disappointed. “It’s a piece of scrap!”

<p>“Sorry,” said the mutant Grundo. “It’s all we currently have. The great Dr. Sloth thought it was carrying high-tech weapons to the Defenders of Neopia and ordered us to abduct it.”

<p>“You mean this ship is filled with some of the most advanced weapons in Neopia?” asked Zemblo. “It’s a dream come true!”

<p>“Actually, no,” said the Grundo, “It really was bringing a load of plushies to the toy shop from Virtupets Toys Co.”

<p>“No time to waste,” shouted Sloth. “Go, go, GO!”

<p>“But, wait…” murmured Saenchoe, just before the door was slammed. “Prepare for take off,” said another Grundo slave from inside a tower, “3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF!”
<p>

[Tdyans]

Cheshire, this is another tip, not an admonishemnt, okay? Posting several times within a small period of time is just about as annoying as posting a new board every time. Just have some patience.

Now, above you can see my edits to the first half of your story. I put a couple of comments in bold, but there are other smaller edits besides those things, so be sure to take a close look. In particular, try to give yourself a little refresher on the rules for writing dialogue-- that was your biggest technical problem.

Other than that, it was funny. There were just some times when it was kind of confusing also... I'm still not completely sure what happened in the bathroom, and it even took me a while to figure out that they were in a bathroom. And at the end, suddenly Sloth is at the rocketship (or whatever it is) telling them to "Go, go go!" but it was like he came out of nowhere. Before that moment I thought he'd stayed in his office while the rest of them left and went out to the rocket ship.

[Deleted]

Heh, sorry. But that's ot the whole story, that's the first half. If ou want to see the second half, look at the second post. I think I'll stop posting annoying messages now. ;D Thanks anyway for looking at my story, though. trust me, I wouldn't just stop a story like that.

[Tdyans]

The said:

Heh, sorry. But that's ot the whole story, that's the first half. If ou want to see the second half, look at the second post. I think I'll stop posting annoying messages now. ;D Thanks anyway for looking at my story, though. trust me, I wouldn't just stop a story like that.

I know that's only the first half-- I just don't have time to read the second half-- but my problem wasn't with how it ended. It was just confusing in general during certain parts.

[Deleted]

Oh--it's not a series. It's just one really, REALLY big--er, short story. Don't worry, I saw how you edited, and I'll edit the second half off of your style. Thanks for checking!