Can I have you opinion on this?

[TK]

It's a series of short stories. I've made a couple but haven't sent them in. I want to get your opinion. It's based off the Animorphs books...

The Petpet-a-Morphs: A Very Faerie Adventure
By too_kule


Imagine this: You're running from a team of bad guys. Who cares who's minions they are or where they're from? All you know is they're the enemies. You run as fast as you can through the forest. You look behind you and see that they're still on your tail. Suddenly the end has come, you've come to the edge of a cliff. You're not a Korbat or a Pteri or any other Neopet that can fly. You look down at the hard ground hundreds of feet below. Suddenly, a jolly little Buzzer Petpet comes flying though the air right in front of you. You reach out your paw while being careful not to fall and you snatch the little guy from the air. You shut your eyes and concentrate. You picture the Buzzer becoming apart of you. After a few seconds you release the Buzzer from your grip and you watch it fly away slightly dazed, but unharmed. Then you shut your eyes again. You picture you becoming the Buzzer. Suddenly, it's happening. The wings, the eyes, the legs, the colour...everything. You jump off the cliff as soon as the bad guys come along finally. What do they see? A little Buzzer flying away.

Pretty neat, huh? The power to become a Petpet just by touching it and then morphing. But it's totally crazy...right? Can't be true...can it? Here are the files of the Petpet-a-Morphs, a group dedicated to stopping crime with their Petpet powers. Enjoy.

***

Hello. My name is Sceeo, and I'm a Spotted Scorchio. I'm apart of the Petpet-a-Morphs. I and three other Neopets have a strange power to absorb the DNA of Petpets and become them. Don't ask me how we got this power, it's quite a long story actually but maybe you'll hear it some other time.

There's another male Neopet like me and two other girl Neopets. We aren't related but just friends. The other male Neopet is a White Kougra named Tojyo. There's also a female blue Acara named Nyvanna. There's also a female purple Kacheek named Trashiika. We also live with an owner named Starshine. She's a human so she doesn't have the powers, but she helps us out anyway. The only things we can morph into at the moment is our pet Spardel named Max and a Spyder we found in the basement.

"AHHHH!" screamed Nyvanna from the kitchen. Trashiika and I were watching TV so we ran in. Nyvanna was pointing at her cereal. A big hairy Spyder was sitting in her bowl. Trashiika and I sighed. We had seen this prank played tons of times. Nyvanna wasn't smart enough to remember.

"Tojyo, get out of there!" I exclaimed. The Spyder hopped out of the bowl and started to demorph. Tojyo was slowly changing from Spyder to Kougra. It was kind of gross actually. Some eyes sunk back in and some legs did too. A tail burst from the back of the Spyder. It was enough to make you get sick.

"You've got to stop doing that Tojyo. It's not funny," said Starshine as she walked in. She looked like she was trying to hold in her laughter.

"What's the problem with having some fun? We expected to fight crime with these powers but no crime has happened," said Tojyo. I had to agree with him there. We had wild dreams of beating up the bad guys and becoming famous. We expected to become amazing Petpets like Cyodrakes and Kookiths, not Spyders and Spardels.

"What's this?" asked Starshine as she picked up the latest copy of the Neopian Times. "Oh my goodness! Illusen was kidnaped!" We all ran over to look at the newspaper.

"Where is she?" asked Nyvanna.

"It says she was taken from her glade in Meridell. They think she was taken to some place in Faerieland," she said. I laughed.

"It's obvious who took kidnaped her! Jhudora the Dark Faerie! They're rivals and I bet Jhudora wanted her quests to be more popular," I said.

"That makes sense. But how are we going to get to Jhudora's Cloud?" asked Trashiika. Suddenly something outside caught our eyes. We looked through the window to see a Beakadoodle and a Whoot were sitting in a tree...right next to each other. Not wanting to miss this opportunity, we crept closer to the door. Trashiika opened it and I flew out at top speed. Tojyo leaped out the door right next to me. In his paws he grabbed the Whoot and I grabbed the Beakadoodle. I shut my eyes and concentrated. I pictured the Beakadoodle becoming part of me. As I was concentrating, a sample of DNA from the Beakadoodle entered me.

"Done," said Tojyo. He had just finished acquiring the DNA from the Whoot. I slowly held the Beakadoodle out for Nyvanna and Tojyo did the same for Trashiika. They acquired them too.

[TK]

"Start morphing," said Starshine as she walked outside. About thirty seconds later I saw her turn her head in disgust. We were halfway through the morph and she saw a Scorchio with a miniature head and deformed wings. Nyvanna was an Acara with a beak shooting right out of her face and legs that were shriveling up. Trashiika was a Kacheek with really big eyes with wings coming out of her back. Tojyo was a Kougra with a shrunken head and shrinking legs. Not exactly a pretty site. We finished the morph and right away we could tell something was wrong.

"I'm blind!" cried Trashiika and Tojyo.

***

Here's the scoop. Tojyo and Trashiika were slightly exaggerating. They weren't completely blind but since Whoots' eyes are meant for the dark, all they could see were very dim shapes. The Beakadoodle was already gone by then so Trashiika and Tojyo had to become a Spyder while Nyvanna and I carried them to Faerieland.

"Are we there yet? I'm so tired! Tojyo is too heavy...can we switch?" asked Nyvanna.

"They got the DNA from the same Spyder. That means they're the exact same weight," I replied. Petpets normally can't talk but they are capable of speech...they just aren't smart enough to speak. Nyvanna and I were talking in a high-pitched squeaking voice and Tojyo and Trashiika were talking in a quiet voice. They made funny clicking sounds whenever they spoke. Beakadoodles have very good sight so I could see the purple cloud where Jhudora lived. We landed on the cloud and looked around.

"Hey, where's Jhudora?" asked Tojyo. I didn't know. Normally Jhudora was waiting there for people to come. Her little home was closed and locked up. I didn't understand.

"Perhaps she's out, you know? Sometimes the Tombola man leaves Tombola and Edna has been known the sneak away from her castle to stock up on the food she gives out as rewards," said Trashiika. I nodded. Trashiika was very smart and you could normally count on her in this kind of situation. Then something in the distance caught my eye. Way up in a tower in the Faerie City, a shining light was coming cout of the open window.

"What's that light coming from that tower?" I asked. and everyone turned to see where I was pointing my Beakadoodle wing at. Trashiika and Tojyo had Spyder eyes which weren't the best to see at such a distance but Nyvanna who morphed Beakadoodle like me could see.

"Should we investigate?" asked Nyvanna. I nodded. Nyvanna and I picked up Tojyo and Trashiika and took off in the direction of the mysterious tower. As we got closer, the insides of the tower were seen. There were shelves with different things on them. A Baby Paint Brush, a Sword of the Air Faerie, a Yo-Yo of Death...this was the Hidden Tower! Inside we saw different Faeries on the ground. There was one of each...and the Earth Faerie was Illusen!

"That Earth Faerie is Illusen! She's tied up along with some other Faeries," I cried.

"It looks like the Dark Faerie is Jhudora, but I can't be sure with these eyes," said Tojyo. He was correct. No wonder Jhudora wasn't on her cloud. Suddenly it struck me as sort of funny that everyone notices that Illusen disappears but nobody cares if Jhudora does.

"Nyvanna, on the count of three toss Tojyo through the open window and I'll throw Trashiika," I said.

"WHAT!?!" yelled Trashiika and Tojyo.

"1...2...3...THROW!" I cried. We tossed the Spyders through the window and they landed on the floor. Nyvanna and I perched on the windowsill.

"What was that?" asked a Skeith in a trench-coat. It was Malkus Vile, the infamous Skeith in charge of the disappearances of King Coltzan's famous crown!

"It's an old tower...Spyders are everywhere," said one of the Faeries. It was Fyora, better known as the Faerie Queen! She was tied up too.

"Hmmmm...Heermeedjet! Merouladen! Hurry up with the powers. Once we collect powers from all of the Faeries in a bottle we can sell it and be rich!" cried Malkus Vile. His two Meerca minions were forcing the Faeries to put energy in a jar. I suddenly realized that if all of those Faeries combined their powers, it'd be the ultimate weapon! The power of Earth, Water, Light, Wind, Fire and Darkness in one weapon, not to mention whatever powers Fyora could use. I looked down and saw Tojyo and Nyvanna biting the rope that tied the Faeries to the chair. One of them (they're identical so I couldn't tell which) was working on freeing the Water Faerie and the other was biting the Fire Faerie. We were sure all of the Faeries noticed...yet they were surprisingly calm. Tojyo and Trashiika slipped the rope off the two Faeries and started biting the ropes of two others. Pretty soon each Faerie but none of them dared to move. All Heermeedjet had to do was use the energy from the bottle and they were done for.

[TK]

"OK Fyora, you're the last one. Give us some of your power!" cried Merouladen.

"Never!" Fyora replied boldly. You really had to give her some credit. So brave in the face of danger...of course a 43 centimetre Meerca doesn't really count as danger, but the contents of the bottle he was holding certainly did.

"You will!" yelled Malkus. He grabbed her hand and placed it by the opening of the bottle. He moved her hand closer and closer to the Faerie energy! If she didn't agree, she'd...I didn't want to think about that.

"SQUAAAAAAA!" I screamed. I flew into the Hidden Tower and dived at Malkus! My talons scraped his face. I distracted the two Meercas long enough for the Faeries to act. The aimed powerful blows of energy at the evil trio. Heermeedjet dropped the bottle on the ground. The energy in the bottle vanished when the glass shattered on the ground. Illusen untied Fyora who shut her eyes. Her tiara was glowing purple. The three suddenly floated off the ground and moved right out of the window. Fyora opened her eyes and the three evil Neopets fell to the ground below.

"Thank you Petpets...or should I say Neopets?" asked the Fire Faerie. How did they--

"How did we know?" asked Jhudora as she turned to me. She read my mind.

"Correct, we can read minds. We can also..." The Light Faerie waved her fingers around. Suddenly we all started to return to our bodies.

"You will always have a special place in our hearts. If danger comes we will call on you. Thank-you. We must tell you something about your powers though, somthing you do not know. If you stay in a Petpet body for more than two hours, you will automatically demorph and return to your bodies," said Fyora.

"So? How is that bad?" asked Tojyo.

"You have the power to fight enemies because they do not know of Petpets with conscious minds of their own, therefore they get frightened more easily. Returning to your bodies will reveal the fact you are regular Neopets and they will not be pleased," said the Air Faerie.

"But now you must go. Thank-you again," said Fyora. She snapped her fingers and suddenly we were home.

"Back already? asked Starshine as she entered the room we were in. "So how was the little adventure?" We all looked at each other. Maybe it was best if she didn't know. How can you explain something you didn't know yourself?

The End

[Tdyans]

Initial thoughts:

Interesting concept and a good start.

Do make sure to do a little more revision on your own-- there were a few typos, especially toward the end, and keep an eye out for homonyms like "a part" vs. "apart" and "who's" vs. "whose."

My first problem was that I wasn't sure if you could show how being able to turn into petpets would be such a benefit-- Neopets, after all, are already animal-like, so it's a little different than humans being able to turn into animals. So, you really needed to show the specific benefit of being able to turn into petpets-- which I think you did a pretty good job of toward the end.

Stuff like "Here's the scoop" disrupts the flow of the story for me. The reader is supposed to forget that they're reading something, and a phrase like that throws the fact back at them. But, it's a stylistic choice, so you may decide to keep it.

I'm not sure what I think of the whole "Imagine this" beginning as a way of setting up the plot. It felt kind of stilted and actually hard to imagine, partly because of vague language like "bad guys." If you want us to imagine it, really paint a picture for us. Also related to this, I know you said you wouldn't go into how the pets got their powers and all, but that was what I really wanted to hear. It seems as if they don't seem all that amazed by their abilities at this point, and I would like to see a story before this one about how they got/discovered these powers and how they reacted to them. I think that would be a better set up for then moving your audience into this first "adventure."

At the end, what did they not really know?

Finally, you introduce a lot of characters all at once and I had trouble picturing them or keeping track of them. This is kind of tough to remedy-- I think it's another thing that an origin story before this one could help with a little. Just try to work on-- in this story and future ones-- reiterating what your characters look like and what their different personalities are like. In that paragraph where you introduce them, there are also a lot of "also"s-- try to vary your sentences a little more.

[TK]

Thanks! Those are really great points. Good thing I didn't send it in...I guess I still have editing to do. No, I haven't actually edited it yet for typos so now's the time to do it...

[pichuthegreat]

nice story but I think I read this in a book somewhere wait give me a minute to think and I'll tell you I think it was called animorphs

[poy222]

pichuthegreat said:

nice story but I think I read this in a book somewhere wait give me a minute to think and I'll tell you I think it was called animorphs

You really think so? </sarcasm>

lol

[TK]

pichuthegreat said:

nice story but I think I read this in a book somewhere wait give me a minute to think and I'll tell you I think it was called animorphs

I already said it was based off the animorphs books.

[pichuthegreat]

didn't read that it's based on animorphs

[TK]

pichuthegreat said:

didn't read that it's based on animorphs

It's not a problem.