attackers of the Night

[Xyreno]

Teehee... I think its good but it has some bad words

Attackers of the Night: Part one
By Articuno_Neo

Laura the Zafara sighed ‘Where did the sun go.. The only exciting thing thats happening is RAIN! I even forgot how to sun looks like!. Laura stared outside, She watched the rain, falling down and ending up in a river. She watched to the almost flying bushes..
But then she saw a shadow, coming to her window.
Laura screamed, and ran to the Living room, Her owner asked Laura
‘What happened?’ I-i saw a shadow! It attacked my window!

Chromy the Fire Lupe, Laura’s brother laughed.. Haha! You must be dreaming.
Maybe thats why you are so afraid, A moment later they heard a loud crack.. and a mysterious shadow appeared. Ah! Laura attacked the shadow with her Plastic Butter Knife she found in the kitchen shelf.

Chromy, the Battledomer used his Freeze cannon, with an Ultra Rainbow Beam
The stranger was knocked against the wall. Chromy cautiously approached the shadow.
Who are you? Chromy asked to the stranger. ‘Well Who are You?’ he asked again.
The shadow stood up and whispered ‘Thats none of your business….’ With that he disappeared in smoke. Do you know him? Chromy? You talked like you weren’t afraid of him!

He gave me the creeps… I want be as brave as you! ,’ Laura asked if she could go with Chromy to train. The owner who was named Anacin told Laura that it would be a heavy training. Laura stared to the ground, She quickly got an idea and told Anacin. I can do something easier then Chromy so I still can train!

They both went to the Battledome. Anacin watched, to make sure nothing would happen.
Chromy hit the Cave Chia and it was knocked down in one blow.
Wow! Laura thought. If I was a strong as him..
She challenged the Chia Clown and asked if he wanted to train with her.
‘Yes, I will’ The Chia Clown replied.’ Its boring to be beated up by stronger pets!

Anacin and Chromy watched the Chia Clown learning Laura to dodge Water Attacks.
They saw them Jump, Struggle, Fall and Attack. When they were still busy training a lot of people watched them. When the two fighters were ready, They both felt extremely embarrassed . All those people watching.

Chromy turned around and wanted to run home when he heard something..
A tiny Jubjub was close to the sound, Chromy realized on time that it was the Mysterious Shadow. He jumped, grabbed the Jubjub and kicked the Shadow that was about to jump at the Jubjub.

‘Whats wrong? Bad jump day? Eh? ‘ Chromy grabbed the Shadow, and immediately recognized it. You are just a Shadow Lupe! If u try to attack an poor pet again.. YOU will pay! And …. Never bother anyone again!

‘OK.. My names is Lorence and I’m here for a secret mission!
Theres is a big trouble coming soon to Neopia..
We need to protect the Neopians.

That Jubjub isn’t as cute as it looks like.. It has an evil spirit in it.
Please.. Let me remove it.
And be quiet! I need to speak up an Hard spell..

Here it goes.. MRN ARAZA BREZOSCHKI MAZAAFA!
Chromy closed his eyes, The Jubjub was shining bright and flyed up high
The light stopped and the Jubjub crashed in the Jelly Chia.
Hey hey! Watch where you are going, You fool!
The Jelly Chia brought the Jubjub to Lorence.
I belief this “Thing” is yours! The Jelly Chia dropped them and a Black Monster fled out of the Jubjub’s Body. Are you okay? Chromy Asked…

To be continued!

[sollunaestrella]

This is the first part of my editing and stuff (by the way, you don't have to mind me if you don't want to...some stuff is grammar, some stuff is other stuff):

Laura the Zafara sighed, "Where did the sun go? The only exciting thing that's happening is RAIN! I even forgot how the sun looks!"

Laura stared outside, watching the rain as it fell and ended up in a river. She watched to the almost flying bushes.

But then she saw a shadow coming to her window. Laura screamed and ran to the living room.

"What happened? I--I saw a shadow! It attacked my window!" You said that the owner said this, but was it really Laura?

Chromy the Fire Lupe, Laura’s brother, laughed . "Haha! You must be dreaming," he said. "Maybe that's why you are so afraid."

A moment later, they heard a loud crack, and a mysterious shadow appeared. Laura attacked the shadow with the Plastic Butter Knife she had found in the kitchen shelf.

Chromy, who was the Battledomer, used his Freeze cannon with an Ultra Rainbow Beam. The stranger was knocked against the wall. Chromy cautiously approached the shadow.
"Who are you?" Chromy asked the stranger. After a moment of silence, he asked again, "Well, who are you?"

The shadow stood up and whispered, "That's none of your business...." With that, he disappeared in smoke.

"Do you know him, Chromy? You talked like you weren’t afraid of him!" Who said this...?

"He gave me the creeps...I want be as brave as you!" Who said this...? Laura asked if she could go with Chromy to train. The owner, who was named Anacin, told Laura that it would be heavy training. Laura stared at the ground. Quickly, she got an idea and told Anacin. "I can do something easier than Chromy so I still can train!"

[sollunaestrella]

They both went to the Battledome. Anacin watched to make sure nothing would happen.

Chromy hit the Cave Chia, and it was knocked down in one blow.

"Wow!" Laura thought. "If I was a strong as him...."

She challenged the Chia Clown and asked if he wanted to train with her.

"Yes, I will," the Chia Clown replied. "It's boring to be beaten up by stronger pets!

As Laura learned to dodge water attacks, Anacin and Chromy watched. They saw Laura and the Chia Clown jump, struggle, fall, and attack. While they were still busy training, a lot of people watched them. When the two fighters were ready, they both felt extremely embarrassed; all those people werewatching.

Chromy turned around and wanted to run home when he heard something. A tiny Jubjub was close to the sound, and Chromy realized on time that it was the Mysterious Shadow. He jumped, grabbed the Jubjub, and kicked the Shadow that was about to jump at the Jubjub.

"Whats wrong? Bad jump day? Eh?" Chromy grabbed the Shadow and immediately recognized it. "You are just a Shadow Lupe! If you try to attack an poor pet again, YOU will pay! Never bother anyone again!"

‘Okay. I doubt he would just say okay to that. Try and make it more climactic, maybe, and then make the Lupe give in. My name is Lorence and I’m here for a secret mission...there is a big trouble coming soon to Neopia. We need to protect the Neopians. That Jubjub isn’t as cute as it looks like--it has an evil spirit in it. Please...let me remove it--and be quiet! I need to speak up a hard spell. Here it goes...MRN ARAZA BREZOSCHKI MAZAAFA!"

Chromy closed his eyes. The Jubjub was shining brightly and flew up high. The light stopped, and the Jubjub crashed in the Jelly Chia.

"Hey, hey! Watch where you are going, you fool!" Was the Jelly Chia talking there? If so, indicate it, and if not, indicate who it really was.

The Jelly Chia brought the Jubjub to Lorence.

"I believe this 'thing' is yours!" The Jelly Chia dropped them and a Black Monster fled out of the Jubjub’s Body.

"Are you okay?" Chromy asked.

It's good so far...you just need to use words a little bit more to convey your image. Try a little more description and sentence variety. Also, you have many puncuations and capitalization mistakes. For capitalization, you can read Shidi's article Week 73 of the Neopian Times called "Avoiding Capital Punishment." Otherwise, very good and intriguing!

[Xyreno]

ok, heres the edited story..


Laura the Zafara sighed ‘Where did the sun go.. The only exciting thing thats happening is RAIN! I even forgot how the sun looks like!. Laura stared outside, watching the rain, as it fell and ending up in a river She watched to the almost flying bushes..
But then she saw a shadow, coming to her window.
Laura screamed, and ran to the Living room, Her owner asked Laura
‘What happened?’ I-I saw a shadow! Laura replied,’ It attacked my window!

Chromy the Fire Lupe, Laura’s brother laughed.. Haha! You must be dreaming.’ He said.
Maybe thats why you are so afraid, A moment later they heard a loud crack.. and a mysterious shadow appeared. Ah! Laura cried, and she hied under the table. When Chromy assured Laura that the shadow was an easy enemy, Laura attacked the shadow with her Plastic Butter Knife she found in the kitchen shelf.

Chromy, who was the Battledomer used his Freeze cannon, with an Ultra Rainbow Beam
The stranger was knocked against the wall. Chromy cautiously approached the shadow.
Who are you? Chromy asked to the stranger. After a moment of silence Chromy said ‘Well Who are You?’. The shadow stood up and whispered ‘Thats none of your business….’ With that he disappeared in smoke. Do you know him? Chromy? Laura stared at Chromy with big eyes You talked like you weren’t afraid of him! Laura tried to say more but no words came out her mouth when she opened it.

He gave me the creeps… I want be as brave as you! ,’ Laura begged Chromy. Laura asked if she could go with Chromy to train. The owner who was named Anacin told Laura that it would be a heavy training. Laura stared to the ground, She quickly got an idea and told Anacin. I can do something easier then Chromy so I still can train!

They both went to the Battledome. Anacin watched, to make sure nothing would happen.
Chromy hit the Cave Chia and it was knocked down in one blow.
Wow! Laura thought. If I was a strong as him..
She challenged the Chia Clown and asked if he wanted to train with her.
‘Yes, I will’ The Chia Clown replied.’ Its boring to be beaten up by stronger pets!

As Laura learned to dodge water attacks, Anacin and Chromy watched
They saw them Jump, Struggle, Fall and Attack. When they were still busy training a lot of people watched them. When the two fighters were ready, They both felt extremely embarrassed . All those people watching.

Chromy turned around and wanted to run home when he heard something..
A tiny Jubjub was close to the sound, Chromy realized on time that it was the Mysterious Shadow. He jumped, grabbed the Jubjub and kicked the Shadow that was about to jump at the Jubjub.

‘Whats wrong? Bad jump day? Eh? ‘ Chromy grabbed the Shadow, and immediately recognized it. You are just a Shadow Lupe! If u try to attack an poor pet again.. YOU will pay! And …. Never bother anyone again!

‘I’m not bothering anyone! I’m saving the planet Neopia. In space, a spaceship as crashed on a planet nearby, and the aliens controlling it are evil spirits. I need to cast a spell over who are infected with those spirits. Eh, Did I tell you my name yet? my names is Lorence and I’m here for a secret mission!
Theres is a big trouble coming soon to Neopia..
We need to protect the Neopians.
And that trouble is bigger than the evil spirits.

That Jubjub isn’t as cute as it looks like.. It has an evil spirit in it.
Please.. Let me remove it.
And be quiet! I need to speak up an Hard spell..

Here it goes.. MRN ARAZA BREZOSCHKI MAZAAFA!
Chromy closed his eyes, The Jubjub was shining bright and flew up high
The light stopped and the Jubjub crashed in the Jelly Chia.
Hey hey! Watch where you are going, You fool! The Jelly Chia Screamed,’ I’m fighting!
The Jelly Chia brought the Jubjub to Lorence.
I belief this “Thing” is yours! The Jelly Chia dropped the Jubjub and a Black Monster fled out of the Jubjub’s Body. Are you okay? Chromy Asked…

To be continued!

[pichuthegreat]

uum I think you should put more work in you're stories (not meant to offend). You seem too post a story/article every other day

[darkmage92]

You don't have to take this

#1. Make it go more slowly

#2.More punctuation.

#3. More time into your work.

#4. Put more description into the i.e descriptions, facial expressions
Otherwise if you do these then I think it is a great start!

[pichuthegreat]

huh?

[calvinseviltwin]

I believe it's a tad Rushed.

[Xyreno]

This is an Edited piece and a tiny bit of Part 2

Attackers of the Night: Part one
By Articuno_Neo

Laura the Zafara sighed ‘Where did the sun go.. The only exciting thing thats happening is RAIN! I even forgot how the sun looks like!. Laura stared outside, watching the rain, as it fell and ending up in a river She watched to the almost flying bushes..
But then she saw a shadow, coming to her window.
Laura screamed, and ran to the Living room, Her owner asked Laura
‘What happened?’ I-I saw a shadow! Laura replied,’ It attacked my window!

Chromy the Fire Lupe, Laura’s brother laughed.. Haha! You must be dreaming.’ He said.
Maybe thats why you are so afraid, A moment later they heard a loud crack.. and a mysterious shadow appeared. Ah! Laura cried, and she hid under the table. When Chromy assured Laura that the shadow was an easy enemy, Laura attacked the shadow with her Plastic Butter Knife she found on the kitchen shelf.

Chromy, who was the Battledomer used his Freeze cannon, with an Ultra Rainbow Beam
The stranger was knocked against the wall. Chromy cautiously approached the shadow.
Who are you? Chromy asked to the stranger. After a moment of silence Chromy said ‘Well Who are You?’. The shadow stood up and whispered ‘Thats none of your business….’ With that he disappeared in smoke. Do you know him? Chromy? Laura stared at Chromy with big eyes You talked like you weren’t afraid of him! Laura tried to say more but no words came out her mouth when she opened it.

He gave me the creeps… I want be as brave as you! ,’ Laura begged Chromy. Laura asked if she could go with Chromy to train. The owner who was named Anacin told Laura that it would be a heavy training. Laura stared to the ground, She quickly got an idea and told Anacin. I can do something easier then Chromy so I still can train!

They both went to the Battledome. Anacin watched, to make sure nothing would happen.
Chromy hit the Cave Chia and it was knocked down in one blow.
Wow! Laura thought. If I was a strong as him..
She challenged the Chia Clown and asked if he wanted to train with her.
‘Yes, I will’ The Chia Clown replied.’ Its boring to be beaten up by stronger pets!

As Laura learned to dodge water attacks, Anacin and Chromy watched
They saw them Jump, Struggle, Fall and Attack. When they were still busy training a lot of people watched them. When the two fighters were ready, They both felt extremely embarrassed; All those people were watching.

Chromy turned around and wanted to run home when he heard something..
A tiny Jubjub was close to the sound, Chromy realized on time that it was the Mysterious Shadow. He jumped, grabbed the Jubjub and kicked the Shadow that was about to jump at the Jubjub.

‘Whats wrong? Bad jump day? Eh? ‘ Chromy grabbed the Shadow, and immediately recognized it. You are just a Shadow Lupe! If u try to attack an poor pet again.. YOU will pay! And …. Never bother anyone again!

‘I’m not bothering anyone! I’m saving the planet Neopia. In space, a spaceship as crashed on a planet nearby, and the aliens controlling it are evil spirits. I need to cast a spell over who are infected with those spirits. Eh, Did I tell you my name yet? my names is Lorence and I’m here for a secret mission! And its not the Evil Spirits
There is a bigger trouble coming soon to Neopia..
We need to protect the Neopians.
And that trouble will be the worst thing wrote in History!

That Jubjub isn’t as cute as it looks like.. It has an evil spirit in it.
Please.. Let me remove it.
And be quiet! I need to speak up an Hard spell..
Chromy sighed and looked at Lorence with a maniacal smile

Here it goes.. MRN ARAZA BREZOSCHKI MAZAAFA!
Chromy closed his eyes, The Jubjub was shining bright and flew up high
The light stopped and the Jubjub crashed in the Jelly Chia.
Hey hey! Watch where you are going, You fool! The Jelly Chia Screamed,’ I’m fighting!
The Jelly Chia brought the Jubjub to Lorence.
I believe this “Thing” is yours! The Jelly Chia dropped the Jubjub and a Black Monster fled out of the Jubjub’s Body. Are you okay? Chromy Asked

To be continued!


Attackers of the night: Part 2
By Articuno_Neo

Chromy watched the Jubjub,’ Screeching (?) in horror.
The tiny Jubjub opened its eyes,’ I’m free! I’m free! He hugged Lorence.
Thank you, Brave Lupes! I will never forget you.
The Jubjub leaved the Battledome, How’s that? Lorence whispered.

Chromy sighed and left Lorence alone.
Anacin and Laura approached Chromy.
Are you okay? Anacin asked,’ I am fine! Chromy stared at him, Leave me alone!
He ran away. Anacin screamed Wait!

If I get my hands on you I will personally turn you into a Grub!
Gah! Anacin watched stared to Chromy.. Come Back.. Come back Chromy! Laura screamed. When Chromy disappeared she started to cry, Chromy… Why..

Anacin, was sure that he would cheer up Laura with an Happiness Negg
He quickly ran to the Market and bought a Happiness Negg
Laura stared to the Negg and said ,’ I just lost my Brother! And the only thing you bring me is a Stupid Happiness Negg!? You.. You.. Laura punched Anacin, You don’t care about Chromy don’t you!? You only care about fighting.. About Money.. But about your own Partner.. Your pet that always cared for you! You just think its a Trash Can.. To do all of your foul stuff with!

I will never see you again, Anacin. With that Laura leaved.. With a head that was full of Hate feelings.. Angry and tears.. Chromy!!!! Laura screamed and ran away..

Chromy was walking trough Lupe Forest.
He didn’t see an other Lupe walking and bumped in..
Hey! The Lupe screamed.. Who are you?

Well I-I am.. eh Chromy.. And I-I Just ehm.. Chromy Sputtered
You just walked away.. I smell your fear.
My name is Razamo and I am a Lupe Wizard.
Follow me.. Its almost night.

Razamo walked like it was just another Happy Sunday Day.
Chromy.. Say your owner is Anacin, Right? ,’ Razamo watched Chromy
Chromy replied with a frown.

Yes… How do you know!? You aren’t spying me, right? Chromy started to get mad.
And stomped a tree, Chromy did it again and the Tree fell in a river.
After a moment of silence,’ Razamo said to Chromy ‘Well.. Now we finally have a bridge’

The carefully crossed the bridge and came at the other side of the river.
Where now? Razamo smiled, we are close to the other Lupes
What do you mean, ‘Close to the other lupes?’ Chromy looked around. Trying to hear or see anything around.. I don’t see anything!

[darkmage92]

You forget to pput QUOTES must put quotes Please it's turtourous@!!!!!

[Xyreno]

Anacin watched stared to Chromy

that was wrong..

[Xyreno]

darkmage92 said:

You forget to pput QUOTES must put quotes Please it's turtourous@!!!!!

Huh???

[sollunaestrella]

Xyreno said:

Huh???

You didn't put quotation marks around a lot of the dialogue.