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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2007 12:27:27 GMT -5
Waiting for Anna: Part Five by Fjord Something about the first sentence struck me as sounding off. You said "The gates [...] are closed when Anna comes up to them," although "comes" implies that the gates are the focus, whereas Anna has been the focus up until this sentence. However, Anna is "going towards," not "coming to," the gates, so it seemed...almost in the wrong point of view to me, if that makes any sense at all.
The scene at the gates also reminded me of when Dorothy arrived at the Emerald City. It was kinda strange how it did that, but it wasn't a bad thing, mind you.
I like the bookstore. It has a heavy feel, a very silent and dimly-lit store full of books crying out to be read... My kind of place to be, almost like an ancient library. The bookkeeper seems of an interesting sort, and I'd like to see where he goes in this story.
Stuck: Part Three by silent_snow This isn't much of an issue, but take a quick look at this sentence: "you know what inflation had done to the economy! 250 Neopoints isn’t enough to take care of a pet anymore." The word "had" puts the first part in the past perfect tense, whereas this needs to be in the present perfect tense (using "has" instead). It's important that, despite the overall tense of the piece, that dialogue is kept in the present tense unless the character is speaking about the past or future. You've been pretty good with this, so it's almost not worth mentioning, but this sentence jumped out at me when I crossed it.
As a whole, though, this chapter felt a bit weaker than the other two. This felt more like a filler, and in some ways, it was. I enjoyed some parts, like Raw talking about Chall at the playground and when Sojo had to climb the tree, but a lot of it was just...a little boring to read.
It would seem, however, that things have turned for better or for worse, so I do await the next part.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 15:07:36 GMT -5
Fire and Air by lightninglover34 This was a really nice story. The beginning was a bit rough, and I wasn't sure who was the Air Faerie and who was the Fire Faerie for a few paragraphs, but after that bit of a rough start, things flowed rather nicely then on.
The fact that you jumped years ahead at the end was a bit unexpected, but the way you wrote it, it was quite obvious what had happened during those years many years. That allowed me to not be confused about the sudden change, which is exactly how it should be in good writing, so great job with that.
Finally, the ending was really pleasing. I can't say I agree with all of Miha's decisions, but her writing even that short of a note to send to Jolie was a nice touch that really made the story something great for me.
The Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise of the Bungee Jumping Blumaroo by tambourine_chimp I like your alternate title better. XD lol.
I cannot say enough, though, how much I loved this story. That is simply how great this was.
I loved the interaction between Hutch and Luke. Their constant bickering and assuming-the-other-was- thinking-like-he-was-only-to-learn-he-wasn't was great and really nicely done. I loved the predicaments they got themselves into, rather, that Hutch got them into, and I really liked how you held off explaining where, exactly, they were for a couple paragraphs after each new part began. It made me think of a movie, where we'd see the two characters talking like they were, and then the camera would zoom out and the entire thing would change a hundred-times over in an instant. The irony was hilarious, and calling the boat "Mary Sue" was quite hysterical as well. The hospital scene was wonderful, especially the mummy part (recalls the first time I spelled "mommy"...and spelled it "mummy" TRUE STORY!).
A couple words, like petulantly and abseiling, were ones I'd not heard before, but they really didn't matter until I reached crumpet part, which was the base of a joke that, not being British, I missed entirely. So, I opened the dictionary for that, and figured I might as well look up the others, too... So, thank you for expanding my vocabulary! I think the crumpet joke might actually be one of my favorites, too. Aside from that, though, the only thing that stood out was "leant" not having been "leaned," but different forms of English and all is the only reason why that one stood out for me, soo....
So, yes, this was an awesome story, well worth the wait. ^_^
Two Days with Taelia by fearthejuliet That was such a beautiful story, and I really, truly cannot mean that enough.
The beginning was smooth and flowing, instantly setting up an entire scene, giving character, location, and conflict all at once, serving as a very skillful hook. The story went on smoothly, the middle very defined and fluid, skillfully shown and written wonderfully. The end was beautiful, wrapping up the entire story and finishing it with such beauty that my words alone cannot describe it.
This story itself was very touching and well-written. It felt real. It wasn't boggled down with plot twists or exaggerated circumstances. It was simple and always true to that simplicity all the way through. But that simplicity did not hinder a deep and heartfelt story; it did not get in the way of profound and very human characters that were easily related to and identified with. And that, that simplicity, that depth, as a whole, made this an story amazing.
Two things stood out to me, however. The first is that you mentioned when Netta first awoke that it was morning but she could not tell this; you also stated that the storm was raging on outside. Yet, the lights only needed to be lit after the sun had gone down, implying that the sunlight had come in through the windows during the day. I've lived in places where the snow can fall thick at times, and when the snow is that heavy, you really can't tell whether it's day or not, so the lights are usually always on.
The second thing I noticed was when you said "enchantress of winter and so many other titles." Here, you were naming things that Taelia was, but the grammar suggests that Taelia is also the "enchantress of so many other titles," whereas I believe you had intended something more like "enchantress of winter, and bearer of so many other titles."
Neither of these things, however, were very large and neither had any great bearing upon the story as a whole, but they were the only things that kept this story from being flawless on every level of interpretation, perfect in every possible way.
In all, though, this story was very much flawless and beautiful, and I loved reading it very much.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2007 15:32:55 GMT -5
I FOUND ANOTHER NTWF ARTICLE: Derbie Azar: Leading the Lost Desert to Victory by cool_gelert_8_9 neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=343314&issue=297. I'm starting to consider creating my own first-timer thread where everyone can post stories about their first times and new members can gloat there... It'd keep it concentrated to a single area, y'know? Very organised = very good, so perhaps it's something that should be done... Maybe I could even appeal to a larger court and have a bigger name start it so it can be stickied and always easy to find. ^_^ I ALSO FOUND A FUNNY COMIC: The Dumb Only Seem to Get Dumber by beachnut14 neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=340562&issue=297Yeah, it's not by an NTWFer to my knowledge, but the comic is funny. I never really new Christmas Zafara wings were fake before, but, eh... The joke's amazing. ^_^ ...But it's a same he/she spelled chock full "chalcfull."
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Post by TC - Back From the Dead... on Jun 25, 2007 6:22:15 GMT -5
*Bows* Thank you, thank you, one does one's best. I accept this award because I'm too proud not to The Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise of the Bungee Jumping BlumarooHow entertaining Aside from having to look up what "abseiling" meant, I found this story truly amusing. The Green blumaroo finally learned something, hm? Puhahaaa Several instances where I laughed aloud - "Flock - Lennies?" (so I'm a sucker for puns ) "Crumpets? At a time like this? How could you!" And of course, the last scenario when the Kacheek realizes that the string is too long xDDD One thing that would have made it a little easier to understand - "“Oh, that’s okay then – no, wait a minute! Bungee elastic, under such pressure, could stretch to well over half their original length or so, right?”" Should be "could stretch to well over BY half their original length..." Otherwise, I have nothing to say about this story other than well done and thanks for the smiles!!! You're very welcome, Psy! I'm glad you liked it, and keep on smiling! And thanks for the tip; always glad to know where improvements of any kind can be made. The Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall and Rise of the Bungee Jumping Blumaroo by tambourine_chimpI like your alternate title better. XD lol. I cannot say enough, though, how much I loved this story. That is simply how great this was. I loved the interaction between Hutch and Luke. Their constant bickering and assuming-the-other-was- thinking-like-he-was-only-to-learn-he-wasn't was great and really nicely done. I loved the predicaments they got themselves into, rather, that Hutch got them into, and I really liked how you held off explaining where, exactly, they were for a couple paragraphs after each new part began. It made me think of a movie, where we'd see the two characters talking like they were, and then the camera would zoom out and the entire thing would change a hundred-times over in an instant. The irony was hilarious, and calling the boat "Mary Sue" was quite hysterical as well. The hospital scene was wonderful, especially the mummy part (recalls the first time I spelled "mommy"...and spelled it "mummy" TRUE STORY!). A couple words, like petulantly and abseiling, were ones I'd not heard before, but they really didn't matter until I reached crumpet part, which was the base of a joke that, not being British, I missed entirely. So, I opened the dictionary for that, and figured I might as well look up the others, too... So, thank you for expanding my vocabulary! I think the crumpet joke might actually be one of my favorites, too. Aside from that, though, the only thing that stood out was "leant" not having been "leaned," but different forms of English and all is the only reason why that one stood out for me, soo.... So, yes, this was an awesome story, well worth the wait. ^_^ Wow, Wolf, thanks! I'm so glad you feel that way...as I'll try to make something in time for 300, but I'm getting all set to move out and become independant soon, so I'm really busy. But here's hoping! I've had this series planned (was written before the TV show, but now it kinda reads like a crazy Prison Break, lol) that's based in the mental institute mentioned at the end of the story (and yes, the mummy-lenny makes another appearance) that I may try and finish, but it won't be ready for 300...I'm sure another short story wouldn't be impossible, though! Thanks again, you two! And if anyone else could review my 'award-winning' story, I'd be deeply grateful! TC
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2007 8:10:46 GMT -5
There's no way I'm going to get to reviews today. Sorry, guys. Too much going on before tomorrow!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2007 13:01:33 GMT -5
Derbie Azar: Leading the Lost Desert to Victory by cool_gelert_8_9 This was a nice article. Derbi's character was very nicely portrayed and her ideas were really well-written. Some of the questions that were asked seemed a little bit strange to me, but I've never followed sports journalism, so they might not be foreign to these kinds of interviews.
Good work on your first article, and congrats for making it into the 'Times.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2007 10:26:04 GMT -5
Yooyus in the Air: Why the Altador Cup was DelayedWolf, honey! You write so well but you write SO MUCH 0__0; It was difficult for my poor little pea-sized brain to keep up with your long sentences and large paragraphs without any sort of break. Breaking up large paragraphs would probably be your best bet >.< That sometimes happens, I need to watch out for it more. Urg, yeah, I should have remembered that... See, journalism, nonfiction, even fictional nonfiction like this (XD) has never been my strong suit, so I guess I tried too much to write it like a story, or too little to write it like an article, lol. Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! I did very little editing for this (wrote it, edited it, and sent it off in a single day), so things like that did, unfortunately, get past me. I shall most certainly be able to edit more thoroughly in the future. Thank you again, Psycho, so much! I really appreciate the review and I value your comments. And, as well, I must thank Droplet for her own editing of this. The last paragraph was originally written in the future tense, as when I wrote this, Petpet Appreciation Day hadn't occurred yet, so Droplet changed it to the past tense for when it appeared in the 'Times, which was just really awesome. Thank you, Droplet!
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