A new Judge Pichu! This time, a collaboration between Kirby and myself.
Bailiff Vyt: All rise for the honorable Judge Pichu!
Judge Pichu waddles to the judge's seat, munching on an apple. He settles into the judge's seat and places the apple onto the side. He looks at the jury.
Judge Pichu: DON’T sit down.
Ikkin (jury): Um, sir-
Judge Pichu: I SAID DON’T!
Ikkin gulps and remains standing.
Judge Pichu: Now everybody hold still...
Patrick: Objection, your honor, the frivolity-
Judge Pichu: FRIVOLITY IS A MUST IN MY COURTROOM!
Patrick glares at Judge Pichu. Judge Pichu grabs the apple he was munching on and throws it at one of the jury.
Patjade: Ow! That hurt!
Pichu: Just practicing my food throwing aim. I need to throw something in the court!
Patrick: Can we please start the case?
Huggsy: Yeah, I’m psyched to totally win!
Pichu: Fine then. Now what is my case today?
Vyt: Nick is suing Carrie for illegally altering the DNA of their child.
Pichu: Which one?
Vyt: One Squieshie Jane Katherine Pookle McGonagall, sir! Huggsy is Nick’s lawyer and Patrick is Carrie’s lawyer.
Judge Pichu: Very well. Prosecution, make your statement!
Huggsy: Right. Well, we’re suing Carrie because she changed the DNA of her daughter, so now that, biologically, Squieshie is actually Patrick’s kid! That’s illegal!
Patrick: Objection, your honor! It’s perfectly legal!
Huggsy: Is not!
Patrick: I am much too dignified for your little games, sir!
Huggsy: ... Is not!
Patrick: ... Is too!
Huggsy: Is not!
Patrick: Is too!
Pichu: ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!
Patrick: Yes, your honor...
Patrick sticks his tongue out at Huggsy.
Pichu: Mr. Patrick, I believe that changing DNA without a certified license is illegal, but perhaps during court you can prove otherwise!
Patrick: I certainly can. DNA changing is perfectly commonplace! Take a look at Kiddo, for instance.
Pichu: Hm... yeah, that proves a lot...
Huggsy: Objection!
Judge Pichu: Overruled, fishy.
Patrick: Anyway, your honor, can we get on with the trial?
Pichu: Certainly. The defense may make their statement unless... well, they don't.
Patrick: Yes, your Honor. We plead not guilty.
Pichu: Okay. Mr. Huggsy, you may call your first witless to the stand. Then Patrick will cross-examine.
Huggsy: Sure. I call Nick to the stand!
Nick makes his way to the stand.
Vyt: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and all that jazz?
Nick: Yep!
Huggsy: So, Nick, what do you have to say for yourself?
Nick: What Carrie has done is illegal and I demand my child back!
Pichu: Ooh. Convincing.
Huggsy: That’s all Judge Person!
Patrick: Nick, are you aware of illegal acts done on your part?
Nick: I never did any illegal acts! Name one time!
Patrick: Let’s see... I'll be nice, and not mention any of the polygamy. That's easily bypassed by Title IIX of the NTWF Bill of Rights. How about the time you fled to Las Vegas and married a hussy? While you were still married to Carrie? Not only did she not consent, as Title IIX allows polygamy to be legal with the consent of at least 2/3rds of the current spousal units, but you ILLEGALLY married a hussy! The priest was an Elvis impersonator, and plus, you were well above the intoxication level and-
Huggsy: OBJECTION!
Pichu: On what grounds?
Huggsy: Lack of evidence! How do YOU know he married a hussy?
Patrick: Wrong! I have evidence all right!
Huggsy: Where? Where is there evidence of Nick and a hussy?
Patrick: Right here!
Patrick shoves photos under Huggsy's snout.
Nick falters at the stand.
Nick: Whe-where did you get those?
Patrick: Oh, I know a guy. But that's beside the point, Mr. Dogg-Lyon, isn't it? ISN’T IT?!?!
Nick: How do you know that THAT was the hussy? Hm?
Patrick: Err... the defense rests!
Huggsy: I rest my case.
Pichu: Very well. Defense?
Patrick: Yes, your honor! I would like to call Rider to the stand please!
Rider falls from the sky and lands at the stand.
Rider: Hey, why am I back in the courthouse?!
Pichu: You have been called as a witness.
Rider: No!
Patrick: You’re testifying!
Rider: I was very busy-
Patrick slips a $42 bill into Rider’s palm.
Rider: ... busy preparing my testimony!
Patrick: Testimonies aren’t prepared, you hussy!
Pichu: Order!
Pichu bangs the gavel.
Kirby: I am NOT a gavel!
Pichu: Shut up! Rider, present the case truthfully.
Vyt: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and all that jazz?
Rider: I guess!
Pichu throws a bag of popcorn at Rider.
Rider: Hey, thanks!
Pichu: Well, no one can think of a false story on an empty stomach!
Patrick: Rider, were you or were you not working illegally as a hussy in Las Vegas, Nevada, at the time of Nick’s divorce?
Rider: ... Maybe.
Patrick: I need an answer.
Patrick quietly conjures some Veritaserum and pours it on Rider's popcorn.
Rider: Hey, what was that?
Patrick: Oh, just some vodka sauce =D
Rider: Oh, okay.
Rider continues to munch on the pop corn.
Rider: So, yeah, I was in the Karmasino, when Nick came loping along...
FLASHBACK
Nick: Hey, any hussies wanna hook with a totally hawt dog?
Rider, Hu, Crystal, and Huggsy: Pick me! =D
Nick: Okay, you, with the red cape!END FLASHBACK
Huggsy scratches his neck innocently.
Rider: It wasn’t a big deal, your honor...
Patrick: No need to call me “your honor”, Rider. Anyway, the evidence we have is inconclusive.
Judge Pichu: Zzz... oh... they stopped? Okay, cross examine.
Elycien suddenly bursts in the door with an envelope.
Elycien: PATRICK! I have further evidence!
Patrick quietly reads over the information, and then kisses Elycien.
Carrie: Hey!
Judge Pichu: Hey is right! She broke my door!
Patrick: Sorry. Anyway, your honor, the new evidence casts a whole new light on the subject! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to please look at THIS!
The jury starts gasping and whispering “Nick is guilty!”
Huggsy: Okay, so Nick and Rider had a fling in Vegas-
Patrick: That ended in the birth of an illegitimate child!
Huggsy: No it didn’t!
Patrick: It sure did! ... Okay, so it wasn’t NICK’s child, but that’s off the point-
Pichu: Anyway, here we see evidence that Nick and Rider were in fact together in Las Vegas! And I still need a new door. Mr. Huggsy, you may now cross examine.
Huggsy: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Pichu: Too much proof! I knew it.
Pichu throws an orange at Huggsy.
Huggsy: Can I have a tangerine, please?
Pichu: No, I’m all out of fruits!
Huggsy: Okay. Let’s get the real case here. Carrie illegally fused Patrick’s DNA with Squieshie’s!
The jury starts gasping and whispering “Carrie is guilty!”
Patrick: No, she is not.
The jury silences.
Patrick: Nick’s refusal to pay child support and his unfaithfulness led to a successfully annulled marriage between the two. Therefore, the child was entirely Carrie’s to do whatever she wanted to do with it.
Huggsy: Okay. I would like to please call Squieshie to the stand!
Pichu: Very well. Get her here now!
Squieshie walks up to the stand.
Vyt: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and all that jazz?
Squieshie: Sure!
Huggsy: Is it true that your mother injected Patrick’s DNA into you, replacing that of Nick?
Squieshie: Yes, but-
Huggsy: And is is also true that Nick is your biological father?
Squieshie: Yeah, but-
Huggsy: No further questions.
Pichu: The defense may now cross examine.
Patrick: Hi honey!
Squieshie: Hi Daddy! ^_^
Patrick and Squieshie hug. Pichu bangs his gavel.
Pichu: I shall not tolerate this in the courthouse! Such manner is appreciated outside.
Patrick: Sorry. Yes, your honor! Now, Squieshie. Would you say Nick was a good father?
Squieshie: No. He liked to play Catch-the-Squieshie with his invisible friend with terrible hand-eye coordination.
Pichu: Terrible hand-eye coordination? That’s horrible!
Squieshie: I know!
Patrick: Were you happy when your mother divorced Nick and married me?
Squieshie: Oh, yes! Yes indeed!
Pichu: Does the defense rest its case?
Patrick: The defense does, your honor.
Pichu: Good!
Pichu bangs the gavel but it breaks.
Kirby: Ow!
Huggsy: Your honor, one last witness?
Pichu: Well... it does avoid the time that it takes to watch the last few minutes of the show before my favorite soaps... so go ahead.
Huggsy: I call Patrick to the stand!
Patrick, a bit, surprised, walks up to the stand.
Huggsy: Now, sir, is it true you married Carrie right after her divorce with Nick?
Patrick: Yes, it is.
Huggsy: Now, you seem to me like a very intelligent person-
Patrick: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath I’d return the compliment.
Huggsy: ... at any rate, did Carrie tell you how she felt about Nick?
Patrick: She did.
Huggsy: And what did she say?
Patrick: Unfortunately, Carrie is my client as well as wife, so that information is privileged.
Huggsy: Can I call Carrie to the stand, your honor?
Pichu: No, not enough time. Hurry up.
Huggsy: Fine. One last question, Patrick. Is it true that you truly, madly, deeply love Carrie... with all your heart?
Patrick: ... all my... all my what?
Huggsy: All your heart.
Patrick breaks spontaneously into roaring laughter.
Patrick: A HEART!? YOU THINK I HAVE A HEART?!?
Patrick’s laughter grows much louder and heartier.
Patrick: I’m a lawyer, Mr. Huggsy!
Huggsy: Um... I rest my case...
Pichu: You may now cross examine, defense.
Patrick: Um... okay.
Patrick: Now, Patrick, is it true that Carrie’s DNA splicing occurred in your presence?
Patrick: Why yes, Mr. Patrick, it is! Carrie did it perfectly and legally and-
Huggsy: OBJECTION!
Pichu: SUSTAINED! Now we do closing statements. Prosecution, yours first.
Huggsy: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, regardless of the illegalities that Mr. Dogg-Lyon has performed, Carrie has spliced the DNA of her child with that of a nonrelated adult. It is illegal.
Pichu: Defense?
Patrick: Ikkin, Pat, Stalos and other jury members, as you well know, Carrie had this marriage annulled. Therefore, Nick is no longer a true custodian of Ms. Pookle McGonagall, nor can he control what his ex-wife does. It was her choice, with the consent of Squieshie, and therefore, is LEGAL.
The jury goes to leave to ponder, but Pichu activates a button that locks everyone inside.
Pichu: Now, jury, you will decide who is guilty NOW. You have five minutes.
In the five minutes, Patrick and Carrie gaze at each other lovingly, with Squieshie making obviously repulsed faces. Nick and Huggsy are drawing violent caricatures of the defense, and Pichu is playing with some cheese.
Pichu: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Stal: We have, your honor.
Pichu: Well, WHAT THE HECK SAY YOU?
Stal: We, the jury, find the defendant, Carrie, not guilty on the charge of illegally splicing the DNA of her daughter.
Pichu: That’s all. All My IQ is on!