|
Post by Moni on Mar 27, 2021 10:19:44 GMT -5
Sorry this is so late, guys, but I wanted to a) give everyone ample time to give stuff and b) life was a little weird for me the past few weeks. Anyways, people who are still in this: Rebekah, Geo 🇺🇦 🌻, Kat, Twillie, I will have your assignments by 3/29/2021 at 11:59 PM my time. If you for some reason can't do this event anymore, please inform me in this thread or by PM (I am NOT in Discord atm). Otherwise, you don't have to do anything, I'll just assign people swaps at this date.
|
|
|
Post by Moni on Mar 30, 2021 4:59:32 GMT -5
Hmm. Well, this worked out well. Small reading group with very compatible preferences, and I don't have to insert myself in as a wildcard. So, here are the swap pairings. From my judgement, everyone here should be able to swap the first choice of everyone else without too much trouble. Twillie <=> KatGeo 🇺🇦 🌻 <=> RebekahSmall enough group that I can just write reviews without subjecting anybody to some horror. Deadline for reviews is April 30th at 11:59 EST. Have fun!
|
|
|
Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on Apr 1, 2021 20:18:03 GMT -5
Do we send reviews to you or post here? I haven’t started yet though, aiming to start reading and reviewing this weekend.
|
|
|
Post by Moni on Apr 2, 2021 8:53:48 GMT -5
Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 good question! if you feel comfortable posting and tagging your swap partner on this thread, you should feel free to do so; else you can send it to me and i'll see to it that it gets to where it belongs!
|
|
|
Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on Apr 18, 2021 18:05:57 GMT -5
RebekahCC - MoniReview posted!
I decided to review this in parts rather than all at once. I haven’t done these very often so please bear with me haha.
Part 1
Oh, I like the intro being so poetic! I think it adds to the mystery surrounding main character! It's also quite interesting that while everything around Dark is light, Dark himself is left in the dark, not knowing anything at the beginning.
One little odd thing I noticed was that Dark Death (I laughed out loud at that name!) did have to pull himself to the pond to see his reflection. Could he have noticed something was off about himself before that? Like looking down at his limbs and seeing Uni hooves? Would him getting to his feet make him realize that he was an Uni? I guess I felt like he would have noticed something else before looking at himself in the pond haha.
I haven't quite figured out distances in Neopia still so I guess it can take a day or so to get to Neopia Central? But the journey is nice. It allows you to spend time setting more things up about the characters. The space hand was a nice bit of comic relief in an otherwise solemn scene of walking through a battlefield where presumably lots of people perished.
And then we’re back to a funny moment with the lake, and I did wonder about the weather in their area. Is it that cold at night and hot during the day? I feel like this is like the Midwest lol.
The suspense is indeed wonderful here. Dark Death doesn’t have memories and I don’t know what’s going to happen next so it feels like I’m in the same boat, except I’m not angry that I don’t know things like Death is.
The ending of part one confused me a bit, but bet you intended that because I don’t know who is actually Dr. Sloth but I do love the fight scene. I can’t wait to read the next part.
Part 2
But but, Sloth’s true form does have wings! XD. One suggestion is that I noticed that there was a paragraph that began with “The sun hung low in the sky…” followed by a paragraph that said “The sun hung high in the sky…” Perhaps some sentence /word choice variation could be added here? I struggle with this a lot too.
So they are in Neopia Central now. The modern aspects of Neopia Central in contrast to the other lands always seems strange to me. Anyways, Vinas seems to know what he’s doing. Interesting that he thinks the only doctors that exist are medical doctors. Perhaps he is unaware of the degrees that Brightvale University has to offer? Anyway, it does seem a little odd that the could just waltz into a hospital with someone random without anybody pressing him on what he is doing. I suppose he is always around to visit his sister?
Well, I do enjoy the confrontation at the end even though Dark doesn’t have memories. But I guess Dark passed out again. This time he’s in a hospital at least.
Part 3
Happens to the best of us but I think you meant Luis instead of Lucas in some parts. Probably some spellcheck autocorrect issues?
Hmm, Dark seems to suddenly know more about the Sloth character now. He knows that he has a signature laugh. Did he get that from a dream? That jump did seem a little abrupt but I don’t think it’s a big deal.
Ha! Yes, take him to Faerieland. Fyora will get the space faerie onto him and turn him into stone in the process! That must have struck a nerve as he doesn’t like that plan. Very consistent with Sloth.
Dave doesn’t sound like an evil name. I guess it works as a disguise. XD. I was wondering though, did nobody follow him out of the hospital? No bystanders? Or were they just busy?
Love the irony with him helping a Grundo though. I think that’s perfect! And I enjoyed the Uni ferry as a mode of transport in Neopia. I always involve cloud racers but those require faeries to fly. Interesting. Do you think Sloth cycles through phases where he’s super powerful and then has to re-earn his reputation repeatedly? That would be an interesting villain. Like a cyclical villain that you can’t fully defeat?
Also did you copy and paste the last paragraphs twice? Or was there a subtle difference I missed at the end?
Anyways, I really enjoyed learning about Sloth/Dark’s secret power to blend in. I would be anxious to see if he returns to his full power after this escape. Or if the Space Faerie happens to visit Neopia and notice him? I wonder I wonder…haha. You did a nice job! It was funny at times and had good drama at other times! There were just minor things I found that probably have good reasons or explanations behind them. But overall, I really enjoyed it.
|
|
|
Post by Kat on Apr 30, 2021 10:47:06 GMT -5
Twillie I AM HERE TO REVIEW Blossoms - A Day Out"Oh, she's in Faerieland, nothing unusual for her." That's what Twillie thinks, haha. I like the detail of Zathandria's room, it's simple but you see trophies there (beauty contest, I bet?) and a few clothes tossed on the floor that tell us that while she's not a slob, she's not a neat freak either. Also, nice work on the Faerieland background in the last panel of the first part. I'll be going through the parts in order before I write out my final thoughts. Fyora, you better look into stocking your library a bit more, I expected more from you, haha! Poor Jonathon in his ID picture...he's such a mood. The mention of the eyeliner was priceless, and YESSSS DARK-SKINNED FAERIE. It took me a while to figure out that the passes were being scanned and they made beep noises but I think I'll chalk that up to "it's late, Kat, go to bed". I really like that concept. I might steal a variation of it for a story oops. I think you could have moved to Zathandria being in the castle already without the extra space and the dots and the Aisha dot indicating Zath, though, and even though I know she's already being dragged by Lily, and that's what you were going for, I felt that maybe, for this part, Zath could alternately be shown bending over, forced to actually walk instead of being dragged along. Ah yes, the local paper. I like this moment Twillie and Jonathon share about her feeling embarrassed and him reassuring her and WANTING TO READ SOME OF HER WORK oh gosh I feel this a lot going AHHHH MY WORK IS EMBARRASSING and then someone says "nah fam lemme read it." I like how you used the blur effects IDK how else to describe it, to show Zathandria looking at the items she has to manipulate, and then her hands like "wut". I like how you did Zath's hands in the last panel of part 3. THERE'S NO NEED TO EAT THE PROPS it's these little bits that make me really enjoy your comics. The contrast between Twillie and Zathandria is really good and I feel like placing Lily and Jonathon in adjacent panels is foreshadowing their connection. Never mind that I already know the connection HAHA. The outside. Truly a punishment. (Was it worth it to clean out the fridge, Jonathon?) It was a bit abrupt to see Zathandria next already sitting against the wall like "aldjfaldsjfs" but hey, when you have absolutely no idea what to do next...I can't really blame her. HEY XWEETOK LADY MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX. Zathandria dragging Jonathon in front of his sister though, it's priceless. I liked Lily talking about her brother but you know me, I'm a sucker for the sibling talk, you know this already - Zathandria and Jonathon being done...another mood. YAY COLORING and the blue draft on the feather is a nice touch. Then Zathandria going nope nope nope SORRY it's almost bedtime haha and Twillie being sweet and understanding and Jonathon being anxious. I really liked how this ended, it wrapped up both story lines nicely and leads in well to The Talk. (Also JUNIPER I love her.) Uhhh overall, I enjoyed this arc, and someone who hasn't read the rest of Blossoms, I feel, can jump into this part right away and be introduced to the characters. (Though there's not enough Cherry, I want more Cherry in my life.) Your art style is simple and clean and really works with the plot, so whenever you render something in color it's like a pleasant surprise, a gift for the folks who've been reading. Also, I'm reading this fully aware of your later work and I can see that you improve with each panel you draw. Great job!
|
|
|
Post by Twillie on Apr 30, 2021 14:41:04 GMT -5
Kat I am also here to review! (and will work reply to your feedback soon!) Brothers in Stars
I like the setup you made to explain what the simulation is, as well as introduce both Rohane and Reuben. By having Rohane experience the simulation for the first time as well, it feels more natural to learn alongside him as the reader. Their conversation also transitions smoothy into Rohane’s promotion.
Some of the later expositional dialogue I feel could've done with a few more revisions, as it can feel a bit forced with characters telling each other information they all already know. For example, when Reuben's describing what the Stellar Ray of Precision does, it feels odd how much detail he gives to who I presume are the Ray's creators. Also in the flashback of Reuben and Rohane star gazing at kids, the dialogue felt stitled when explaining Reynold's job, like Reuben was telling Rohane for the very first time what their dad does and where he is.
I was a little confused at first if Reynold was part of the simulation as well, since the mother was established as being fake first. I picked it up after a reread, though, and I enjoy the dynamic between Reynold and his two sons, as well as the two brothers’ relationship with each other. It’s clear the the family dynamic is the heart of this story and what you want to most emphasize, and I think it’s a job well done. The love they have for each other is very tangible, even with Melissa when she's not actually there. I think the relationships are so successful because you use a variety of creative and subtle ways to establish them, rather than just having the characters state their feelings. The way Reuben and Rohane tease each other, the little stories they share while on the job, and specific physical behaviors like Reuben getting choked up talking about programming Melissa's simualation.
This extends to the side characters as well; I like how you gave distinct personalities to the coworkers, as well as relationships between them outside of who they are to Rohaneand Reuben. It helps raise the stakes when the characters get in trouble, it gives more for the audience to root for, and it provides some comic relief throughout the story. The older alien Aisha and his daughter especially stuck out to me, I like how she was constantly annoyed by his attempted 1337 speak but still cared about him at the end of the day xD
I think it may be because they had less time in the story, but I almost want a little more from Rohane, Mipsy, Velm, and Talinia's relationships. When they were altogether, it was still fun to read, but I feel like the latter trio got less establishment than Team Nerd. It might've helped to establish all of their roles at once when we first see them to help better remember them. Talinia sticks out the most in my mind because she got plenty of establishment as the greatest markswoman from Sagittarius, meanwhile Velm and Mipsy are more fuzzy in my mind. I actually don't remember if Mipsy's job on the ship was explicitly stated outside of leitenant; for Talinia it was clear, but I was left wondering why Velm and Mipsy were specially chosen for this mission.
I also felt I needed more explanation for the setting and some plot devices, namely the training simulation and Stellar Ray. I'm still a bit unclear on who or what exactly Reuben and Rohane work for. I know it's something called the Perseus sctor, but I'm not really sure what that is. Are they working for its government? Is it a private company? How big is it, and what is it's main purpose for existing? The main mission of this story was to transport the Stellar Ray, but is that what all their missions are like? Are they always making and transporting new technology, or do they do other tasks? Because I was unclear on who the Perseus sector is, it also left me a little confused how important the StellarRay is to them. Why did they make it, and how vital is it to Orion? What happens if they never bring it to its destination?
I also had questions regarding the simulation, although less about what it is and more about how it works. I don't recall any scene describing how one enters it, which I think could've helped in understanding how Rohane and Co. get stuck in it later on. For example, I didn't originally pick up that doors physically locked them in, as I didn't realize the simulation had chambers to begin with. I was also wondering just how far the simulation's tangibility went, as it was able to provide food that could sustain them, butdid this mean sustain their physical bodies still in reality? Unless they're physically transported into the simulation and part of the coding somehow?
Using the simulation as a trap for Rohane and Co. was a fun twist! That cliffhanger where Reuben finds the footage of the four walking into the simulation chamber and not comingout reminded me of true crime or ghost stories, where there's mysterious video footage of missing persons or strange phenomena that can't be explained. Very fun, very spooky!
Rohane and Mipsy thinking that the simulation is reality also added a neat layer of complexity (although that brought up the question again of how one enters the simulation. Does one become part of the coding? Because I'm not sure how a hacker's coding would change the thoughts of a physical actual person).
I remember that scene of Melissa tending to Rohane after his run-in with bearogs as one of my favorites. On its own, it's very simple and sincere, and I could relate to the pressure Rohane felt in wanting to achieve his dreams of adventure but feeling like a failure in the process. Since he's removed in that moment from all the pressures in reality, his emotional walls feel stripped down, and his conversation with Melissa feels more raw.
I wish them thinking the simulation is reality lasted a bit longer, or perhaps that their discovery of the truth got more emphasis. It feels odd that Rohane and Mipsy figured this out off "screen," and its brevity had me wondering how much of an impact it had on the overall conflict.
On the flipside, I did like how a lot of the NQII events are implied to happen between scenes, so things in the "game" progress faster than reality. This lets the main story stay in focus, rather than NQII taking over the stage. I also thought it really clever how Reuben became the player stand in, and that he could only tell them how far to go or what to do in little pieces, much like a player having to click for each movement and action in the game xD
On the flip-flipside, I think there might have been some story elements from NQII that could've had a little more explanation with the amount of emphasis they were given. When the characters suddenly needed to find a librarian and LFRA, I honestly could not figure out what they were talking about or why they needed todo so. I've never played NQII, and my knowledge on its lore is rather limited, so I'm guessing that's why I was confused.
I'm proud to say I caught onto the Hal betrayal before the reveal! =D But I also have to admit that it was only after his twist reveal that I caught onto his name reference and probably should've guessed much earlier xD To be fair, I've never actually seen 2001: A Space Odyssey before, so I forgot about Hal 9000 for a while there lol. (I also didn't notice that the name of the sentinel program could also be a reference until I googled a space odyssey xD) I can understand Hal's grievances to an extent; I'd be annoyed too if I missed a job opportunity out of favoritism. But of course, how far he goes with it is less understandable xD Makes me wonder how long ago he defected, if it was soon after Reuben's promotion.
The ending was really nice, both in Reuben and Rohane's exchanges and also in how Reuben last talked to Hal. It was cool to see him say his farewells calmly despite all Hal had done and said, even going so far as to apologize where he thinks he'd done wrong. It's a good contrast to Hal, who lashed out with insults and violence, and doesn't have Reubenresort to the same thing. It was a sweet note to end on as well, giving that final emphasis on home and family as that's what the story was mainly about. I kinda wish we got tosee Reuben and Rohane reunite in person, but their conversation after escaping their path towards the star was still nicely done :3
Overall it was a very heartfelt story, with the highlight definitely being the family and all of the character dynamics! It's clear that you love these characters and put a ton of thought into them, and any moment of them bonding is fun to read. My biggest critique would go towards the setup of story elements vital to the conflict, because if readers don't fully understand them, it's harder to understand how high the stakes are. Even still though, there was definitely that sense of urgency and impending doom if even one thing were to go wrong, so when the characters do make it out in the end it feels very earned and hard fought. Overall good job, I enjoyed it! :3
|
|
|
Post by Kat on Apr 30, 2021 21:42:36 GMT -5
Twillie, thanks so much for the very detailed review! Spoilering all my responses. I 100% understand that some things were not fleshed out in the story, which was due to me trying not to deviate too much from what NQII gave me (it doesn't explain everything as well) and working on a deadline as I submitted this for Cosmic. I'm sure you remember me cramming this series, haha, and I think I've learned my lesson to not cram a story of this scale. As long as I can avoid it. Ooh, yeah, I shouldn't have made Reuben explain the Stellar Ray that much, maybe figured out another way to share what it does and why it's so important. And I wrote that flashback scene of Reuben explaining to Rohane what Reynold's job is before a huge chunk of the rest of the story, so it may have felt a bit out of place...I also probably felt like I had to explain what the title of my story is, racked my brain trying to figure something out, then latched onto the first idea I had. I'm really glad the relationships came through because that WAS my focus - unfortunately, sometimes at the cost of the rest of the concepts of the story. Rushing the story also gave me less time to establish Mipsy, Talinia and Velm (for SHAME Kat they're the main NQII characters, you doughnut!) thanks to the rushing for the collab deadline, and I really hoped I could give them more time to develop. Maybe I also "cheated" by trying to do that only in the simulation stages. The simulation is already an established NQII concept, the Stellar Ray was honestly a plot device I made because I was wondering why Rohane and co. were traveling through space in the NQII cutscenes; the reason for that was never given in canon. I just flapped my hands and went, "ehhhh there's a buncha people up in space doing space things" without really considering what else they do aside from make weapons of destruction and ferry folks around in the deep reaches of the universe. I was unsure about using Virtupets so I made my own funky sectors. The food in the simulation I explained very briefly in part 1 and the doors locking is also something in NQII that doesn't really have much explanation, and I assumed a reader could assume that they got locked because of the hacker. The trap is also a NQII thing, I can't take credit for that. But it was very fun to write Reuben and Team Nerd watching Rohane and the others from the outside, and it did feel like Reuben was the player stand-in. Hmm, probably should've explained LFRA more. I thought it was enough to have "library" in the name and then link it to what Team Nerd was doing. I too wanted the simulation to be explored more. Maybe...in a future story. In a flashback. Eyyyyy. I was also unsure how much time to spend building the elements as I had to consider that part of my audience would know the NQII plot forwards and back, and another part would be going in almost blind. I think I wound up being inconsistent between managing to properly explain things, and then leaving things in the air. I'm wondering if taking notes would have helped me build this series more Carolyn actually had the idea of naming the traitor Hal. I deliberately left the time he defected vague but I would certainly place it close to when Reuben was promoted to his current position. And yes, I did choose for Reuben to become calm at the very end despite facing the guy who betrayed them (and left his father to die) because he knew he couldn't completely fault Hal for turning against them - he DID benefit from his dad's favoritism. I was initially not supposed to give Hal this sympathetic side but then I thought, I had to give him a reason for doing everything he did. My takeaway from your review is that I still need improvement in worldbuilding and establishing story concepts. I've always believed that my strength was in relationships and I should learn to not ignore the rest of the story entirely in favor of the relationships. Bit of a spoiler: I AM planning a short story follow up to talk about Reuben and Rohane's reunion. (yay, alliteration!) I already have a working title, "Brothers in Stars: Homecoming". I totes did not rip off a Spiderman movie.Again, I really appreciate you reviewing this series, you really didn't have to as I gave article and short story options for you to pick, haha.
|
|
|
Post by Moni on May 1, 2021 1:32:50 GMT -5
subbing in! i'll be sorting some stuff out. Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 re: Hanso's Winter This was a fun story! And I do mean to say the "fun" part; the course of events don't really play out in a way that takes itself too seriously. The faeries--especially Fyora--all have this trolly, pixieish, yet ultimately well-meaning vibe to them; but Hanso also comes off as very relatable. His dialogue is very bratty and for most of the story the grandstanding and trickery that might have served him elsewhere when he was a thief aren't necessarily great when you're in magical pinkland (err, magical snowland, I suppose.)
At the same time, you can't really blame him for being a little on-edge with these people, because there's always some sort of chaos around the corner, like Casandia and her pet Sadie. Hanso doesn't really steal or do anything egregious; he's just full of bluster and the thing that makes him ultimately have a conversation with Fyora is an accident. I like to think that he's stopped being super-self-conscious at that point, because even though Celandra and Brynn actually react with facepalms, he's not really focused on that stuff.
And the conversation does sort of reveal that the faeries were sort of right (he did travel with a rough crowd) and sort of wrong (he doesn't steal everything) about him, which makes it a decent penultimate section story-wise, leading into the bit where he's more comfortable with his new friends, even if he's still grumpy about it sometimes.
The secondary characters (Casandia, Celandra, Brynn) are very serviceable. The story manages quite a bit of characterization and implication with a few sentences between characters, which is the kind of thing I really appreciate. Despite them not really having a great introduction--my mental image of them was a *+ --their short interactions were enough to give them a sense of character. Fyora overseeing Casandia's driving is a very cute way of establishing her, even if I would have liked to see some introduction to her, rather than assuming the reader knew about her already.
I think I would have liked to see more description generally, and in more appropriate locations. The one example that really, really sticks out in my mind is where the description of the vacation house begins. It would have flowed a lot better if you put it in a little later, when the characters themselves encountered the house instead of putting it in the middle of an unusually bulky paragraph.
Reading description is a very sequential exercise and it's best to play to that. Make people perform as little direct "function calls," so to speak, as possible. I think peppering just a little more description throughout the piece (not concentrated in relatively large paragraphs) is probably the biggest thing that could improve the reading experience.
Story-wise, I think perhaps the characters could have been toned down in places; they feel a little flanderized in the second half compared to the first one. Brynn saying lines like "You are feeling remorse," and doing stuff like facepalming feels melodramatic and inappropriate to the actual situation in which she says these things. That scene in general felt like it was piling on just a little too much onto Hanso, I think; this is in contrast to when the characters were just decorating, which felt a lot more naturalistic (having neggs be incorporated here made me smile).
But all in all, I think the series is a cute, easy-to-read story about Hanso sort of fitting in with his new family, which is what a fun winter-solstice-holiday story should strive to be. I enjoyed your characterization of Fyora the most, which is probably not surprising, because I think she's probably the character to have been developed the most "off-screen."
|
|
|
Post by Twillie on May 1, 2021 21:00:14 GMT -5
Thank you Kat for your critique, it was a lot of fun and very helpful reading through your thoughts, and I appreciate the variety of things you spoke on, both good and where improvement could be made :3 Some responses from me: Thanks! Backgrounds are something I've been working to push myself more on, and while they're still not at the level I'd like, adding in little details like that I feel helps give more personality to settings. Since comics are a visual medium, I like taking advantage of that and adding little touches to help develop characters or story that the observant eye might catch :3 (And yup, they're all her beauty contest trophies, haha! Although admittedly I haven't put too much thought into how the BC may work in-universe, that might be fun to explore x3) That's fair, yeah. I feel iffy with how I set that scene up myself, as the scanner's design doesn't immediately tell you what it is, and that combined with the awkward panel layout I chose can make it hard for the eye to know what to look at and what information to take in. I think I struggled balancing a readable panel layout while also trying to scrunch panels together to minimize file size, and if I could I'd probably redo that section xD
Haha, yeah feel free to use the concept if you'd like! :3 Yeahh, this section as well I remember struggling with xD I think I battled with my lazy artist side for this part, and it kinda won whoops. I wanted to setup the castle layout as quickly as possible so it would make better sense what Zathandria was doing when turning her back to the crowd, but I think were I to remove that bird's eye view panel, it'd still make sense indeed if I kept the "Inside the Castle" and "sneak" texts. That's another thing I want to get better at, knowing what panels should be kept and which can be cut, so that I don't give myself unnecessary work and readers aren't confused by redundant information.
And I can see that with Lily pulling Zathandria, yeah! Picturing it in my head, I can see how Zathandria bent over while walking would have a lot of energy to it; right now, it's mostly just the drag marks at her feet suggesting motion haha. Haha, yeah it was a bit tough for me figuring out how to keep Zathandria in the room long enough for Lily to come over, rather than her just immediately bolting to the door. I think in the end I just went with "I won't think about it too hard!" and just cut forward to her against the wall xD
Lol I was looking forward to making that joke specifically, I think it was one of the first lines I came up with for this arc xD And aw, yeah for sure! I like writing sincere moments like that, and I'd love to show more of those two's relationship. It probably won't happen in the comics for a while yet, but I still like thinking of little one-off scenes or comics that maybe I'll draw someday haha This is true, Cherry is overdue for some more screen time!
Again, thank you for all the kind words and critiques, I really do appreciate it! =D I'm glad that there were things in this you enjoyed, and that there's a visible improvement as the comics go along. Each arc I try to give my best and then give it a little push further, so while I don't expect these to be masterpieces, they still feel like an authentic reflection of myself and where I want to go creatively.
Also, some replies to your replies!
Ah yeah, I definitely understand that crunch to meet a deadline! Reminds me of a line from a movie commentary, where the director said that the first thing you run out of isn't money, but time (not that we're given budgets to make NT submissions, but still xD Time seems to slip by even faster when trying to finish a creative work). I admire the ambition you had for the project despite the deadline, though, as it still turned out a success in my opinion!
The backstory behind the name "brothers in stars" I enjoyed, I thought it was a sweet moment and created that sort of inside language loved ones naturally make with each other :3 So the flashback itself didn't feel out of place, I just think the wording of that section could've used another edit or two.
Makes sense regarding why you made the Stellar Ray! I think it's a clever addition, else it'd be difficult indeed to explain why these people are traveling through space in the first place lol. I also like the idea of space having different sectors that are manned by their own security and scientists, I think it leaves lots of cool world building opportunity unique from the usual Neopian lands like Virtupets! But yeah, when you have a close deadline to write the whole series, I totally get having less time to develop all of that. In the end I don't think it detracts from understanding the story, as you still get the basic idea that these are space workers trying to do their job in spite of Sloth. Just for me, I can't help but wonder more of the specifics I think because my mind is naturally drawn to those kinds of details xD
Yeah I remember the food explanation from the first part, but I think that and the doors locking just confused me as there were still some blanks in my mind I didn't feel were filled. When it comes to concepts that don't show up in real life like the training simulation, it's more difficult for readers to assume how they may or may not work or look since there's no RL equivalent to base those assumptions off of. So with that I'd just say to err on the safe side of explaining things versus letting the audience assume how something appears or functions (unless of course ambiguity is ever the intent). It might've also been me missing something in the LFRA part since I can accidentally miss details in reading lol, I might have to go back and reread it to see. But I think I just missed the reason they needed to find the librarian in the first place, so I also didn't understand the significance of the LFRA or what it did. Ooh, well you know now I'd be interested to read if you do indeed write more stories about it haha!
Yeah, that makes sense. Honestly, there were a lot of story elements in this, both based on site and original canon, to establish, so I definitely commend you for working to find that balance of too much or too little explanation. Between all the characters, backstories, simulation rules, settings, and everything else, it shows that you put a lot of thought in how to best tell this story. I can tell it wasn't an easy task, so kudos for still tackling it and coming out with the story you did!
Yeah, I like that sort of grey area with Hal; you can understand his frustration, but still recognize how his actions are wrong. Same with Reuben in that he acknowledges the privilege he had, but at the same time he's still proven himself worthy of his position by still working hard and using his skills for just purposes. I love that kind of stuff, it's all very interesting to read! Yee, I think you're on a good track with this story's worldbuilding, but a lot of it probably boiled down to limited time keeping you from fully establishing everything. I think all the basic premise is laid out, and from there it's just a matter of figuring out what parts need more fleshing out to better understand the story or up the tension. And ooh, I look forward to it!
|
|
|
Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on May 2, 2021 13:15:08 GMT -5
subbing in! i'll be sorting some stuff out. Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 re: Hanso's Winter This was a fun story! And I do mean to say the "fun" part; the course of events don't really play out in a way that takes itself too seriously. The faeries--especially Fyora--all have this trolly, pixieish, yet ultimately well-meaning vibe to them; but Hanso also comes off as very relatable. His dialogue is very bratty and for most of the story the grandstanding and trickery that might have served him elsewhere when he was a thief aren't necessarily great when you're in magical pinkland (err, magical snowland, I suppose.)
At the same time, you can't really blame him for being a little on-edge with these people, because there's always some sort of chaos around the corner, like Casandia and her pet Sadie. Hanso doesn't really steal or do anything egregious; he's just full of bluster and the thing that makes him ultimately have a conversation with Fyora is an accident. I like to think that he's stopped being super-self-conscious at that point, because even though Celandra and Brynn actually react with facepalms, he's not really focused on that stuff.
And the conversation does sort of reveal that the faeries were sort of right (he did travel with a rough crowd) and sort of wrong (he doesn't steal everything) about him, which makes it a decent penultimate section story-wise, leading into the bit where he's more comfortable with his new friends, even if he's still grumpy about it sometimes.
The secondary characters (Casandia, Celandra, Brynn) are very serviceable. The story manages quite a bit of characterization and implication with a few sentences between characters, which is the kind of thing I really appreciate. Despite them not really having a great introduction--my mental image of them was a *+ --their short interactions were enough to give them a sense of character. Fyora overseeing Casandia's driving is a very cute way of establishing her, even if I would have liked to see some introduction to her, rather than assuming the reader knew about her already.
I think I would have liked to see more description generally, and in more appropriate locations. The one example that really, really sticks out in my mind is where the description of the vacation house begins. It would have flowed a lot better if you put it in a little later, when the characters themselves encountered the house instead of putting it in the middle of an unusually bulky paragraph.
Reading description is a very sequential exercise and it's best to play to that. Make people perform as little direct "function calls," so to speak, as possible. I think peppering just a little more description throughout the piece (not concentrated in relatively large paragraphs) is probably the biggest thing that could improve the reading experience.
Story-wise, I think perhaps the characters could have been toned down in places; they feel a little flanderized in the second half compared to the first one. Brynn saying lines like "You are feeling remorse," and doing stuff like facepalming feels melodramatic and inappropriate to the actual situation in which she says these things. That scene in general felt like it was piling on just a little too much onto Hanso, I think; this is in contrast to when the characters were just decorating, which felt a lot more naturalistic (having neggs be incorporated here made me smile).
But all in all, I think the series is a cute, easy-to-read story about Hanso sort of fitting in with his new family, which is what a fun winter-solstice-holiday story should strive to be. I enjoyed your characterization of Fyora the most, which is probably not surprising, because I think she's probably the character to have been developed the most "off-screen."
Really appreciate you taking the time to review Moni! Here are some of my thoughts on it.
Thanks for taking the time to review, Moni. I’m glad you thought it was a fun story. I was definitely going for something lighthearted to really lighten up the mood. That said, I was going for the faeries to be more pixieish. Sometimes trolly, but always well-intentioned. Perhaps it’s because of other characterizations of faeries in other stories. I wanted to portray a lighter side of Fyora since she’s always so serious and stoic in TNT’s portrayal. And of course, Hanso is Hanso xD. I do think Fyora’s kind of rubbing off on Hanso a bit. She’s not particularly self-conscious either and has influenced some of Hanso’s behaviors, whether it was intentional or not. And by now, Hanso knows better than to steal in Fyora’s presence. His pardon is conditional of course; conditioned on serving Fyora and staying out of trouble.
I do struggle with the issue with assuming everyone is familiar with some of the characters all the time. I think it’s easier to fall into that trap with site characters because it’s easy to assume that everyone is familiar with the Neopedia entries and other site lore. Thanks for pointing this out. I’m going to do my best to improve here.
I do also struggle with finding more natural ways to insert descriptions as well. Sometimes I get a bit bored and maybe cut corners on descriptions of things. I will make sure that I focus on this area as well. Thanks for putting that into programming terms too. That really helps a lot. ^^
Overall, I figured I would give Fyora a more fun side so I’m glad you enjoyed my characterization of her. I did want to write more about Hanso too because I felt like TFR just dumped Hanso into Fyora’s inner circle and we never heard from him again lol.
Anyways my primary takeaways here are to improve on descriptions and tone down some of my characters who seem to be acting more unnatural. I look forward to trying to improve this in my next “non-article” entry. Thanks so much for reviewing and providing constructive feedback here!
|
|
Rebekah
Frequent Visitor
Beware the ducks, for they will devour your soul.
Posts: 115
|
Post by Rebekah on Mar 28, 2022 1:48:47 GMT -5
Sorry about disappearing! A lot happened and I sort of dropped off. I'll do your review soon. Thanks for your review (that I just read nearly a year late)! I really enjoyed it!
|
|