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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 16:46:23 GMT -5
Okay, so I've decided to make a story that's a threequel to the two Meridell plots - this time, the villain's coming from Meridell. I'm a big fan of the Meridell plots, so I cobbled some bits and pieces together. 1. The villain
We're coming full-circle here - Meridell were arguably the villains in the first war, although the whole thing was grey and grey morality despite TNT trying to portray Meridell = good, Darigan = bad. That always bothered me that the "good" guys and "evil" guys were determined entirely by their appearances, since by all rights the people of the Citadel were victimized by Meridell first and suffered more than Meridell ever did. However, I didn't want to turn Skarl into the bad guy. The Neopedia said he never ORDERED the knights to steal the Orb, so I looked at this. The white Kougra in the center was also a central figure in the first animation the knights appeared in, when they set out to find the Orb. I looked at this jerk, and I said "Yeah, this guy would be a GREAT Big Bad." I came up with a name for him - Sir Claudus - and came up with a backstory that's somewhat sympathetic. He's a fallen hero - he was so devoted to the good of Meridell that he didn't care about the suffering the people of the Citadel would go through when he and his minions stole the Orb. He was already an unwitting pawn of The Three, who lied to him and appeared to him as mysterious voices claiming to be messengers of the gods - never revealing themselves as he would rebuke a creature of darkness. I also decided he'd be the leader of the knights, but he picked only a few knights to go with him. In case he had to do something desperate - and awful - he picked some of the less morally-upright knights... Aside from one. The blind Kyrii seer was also an obvious villain - it's easy to imagine him/her as an avatar of The Three. I also decided he'd have been best friends with Sir Arthur, who's better known as Hunter's father. He could have accompanied him to the Citadel's lands, and committed "treason" by trying to fight Claudus and the other knights in a futile attempt to stop Claudus. Claudus would have gone home, thinking all the while that he was the "hero" while Arthur was a "traitor" that would likely be locked in the dungeon. Unfortunately for Claudus, Skarl demanded to see Arthur, who proceeded to explain the whole thing. Claudus, in a rage, attacked Arthur, and there was a battle between the heroic knights (Led by Arthur and Torakor the Grarrl Gladiator) and Claudus's evil knights. As for the other two jerks in the above image, I came up with personalities for them - they're Claudus's Co-Dragons. The Eyrie's name is Sir Icaros. Even before he became evil, he was an egomaniac who only became a knight for the glory. After his descent, he became much worse - a sadist with a wicked sense of humor who fights his land-based foes from the air and mocks them because they can't get anywhere near him. He's a dirty fighter and a coward. The Krawk, named Sir Argus, was originally from Bogshot and joined the knights because he had a massive inferiority complex - he felt that him and the other people of Bogshot were looked down upon by the rest of Meridell and Brightvale. As a result, he's a surly bruiser. He has a horrid temper and flies off the handle if he feels insulted. He's basically the brute. Claudus and his minions were locked away in Meridell's dungeons for their crimes, although Skarl decided to keep the Orb despite Arthur arguing against him doing so. Now, when we get to the present, Claudus and his knights escaped after an earthquake caused by Faerieland's fall damaged Meridell's dungeons. They haven't been seen for years, but Claudus, who has gone mad from his time in the dungeon and the manipulations The Three have done to him during his time imprisoned, returns. He's empowered by the dark magic of The Three and aided by the Seer (who's the evil genius of the bad guys). Him and his soldiers take over Meridell, lock the good knights in the dungeon, and turn Meridell into what is essentially a military dictatorship. While he doesn't have the complete Orb - he only has the half left in Meridell's hands - he declares war on the Citadel to take their half of the Orb and restore the Orb. He still thinks he's the good guy and aims to restore "order" by destroying the Citadel. While he keeps a composed attitude, he's genuinely insane like Kylo Ren and is prone to dangerous outbursts due to his madness. Lord Darigan is the first Big Good in the story, and decides to aid a Meridellian resistance that includes Lisha and her friends - Jeran is locked in the dungeon, so Lisha's dedicated herself to rescuing him. However, the main characters are Hunter and Miraja. While I can't really state the two are in a romantic relationship in the Times, you guys will probably know I've had them as partners for a while. Hunter's still fighting his feelings of failure he's had ever since he was lured into a trap during Champions of Meridell where his father was killed (he blames himself for it), and Miraja is staying by his side to try and help him out. Spoilery details: - Skarl has been made into Claudus's jester. Claudus doesn't NEED a jester since he's a serious-minded character, but he needs SOME way to entertain the nobles who willingly betrayed Skarl and allied themselves with Claudus. - Hopkins, a Grey Quiggle who's King Skarl's majordomo, is still Claudus's majordomo. He's treated much worse by Claudus than he was by Skarl, but Hopkins also decides to use this as an opportunity to snark at his new "king." Luckily for Hopkins, Claudus is so devoted to his plan he ignores most of Hopkins's remarks. - Worried about the safety of the Citadel and its people, Darigan has Hunter and Miraja take the Citadel's half of the Orb and flee with it. - Kass Loyalists have been causing trouble in the Citadel since the end of the Second War. The Seer takes advantage of this and aids the Loyalists, destabilizing the Citadel enough that Claudus himself can personally invade. When he does this, Darigan tries to buy time for Hunter and Miraja to escape with their half of the Orb. Darigan is killed in the process, providing a source of angst for Hunter. - The Seer continues to manipulate Claudus on behalf of The Three, making him grow even more unstable and insane. - Hunter and Miraja have a quiet scene together when they're hiding in forests near Brightvale where Miraja tries to talk Hunter out of his depression. - After Darigan's death, King Hagan becomes the Big Good, with Galgarroth and Master Vex joining him. - Roberta and Tor appear - Tor was one of the few knights who escaped being imprisoned, and Roberta had been safe in Brightvale. While the two of them aren't main characters, they might help out a few times. - Hunter has a vision quest to restore his sword to its full power, which involves him fighting his greatest fear - a vision of Claudus. After defeating him, the test continues to see if Hunter would kill Claudus or not. Even though this isn't the real Claudus, Hunter refuses. His sword is called the Sword of Mercy, and it retained enough of its enchantment to keep its ability to fight without causing death or severe injuries. He passes the test. - He has a vision of his father, who tells him how proud he was - another issue Hunter had is that, since his father spent a lot of time training Jeran due to his fears that Hunter was too sickly to become a knight, he interpreted his father's actions as not being proud of him. He also tells Hunter to let go of the past and restore peace between Meridell and the Citadel. - Hunter and Miraja are ambushed by some mercenaries who steal their half of the Orb and take it back to Claudus. - Now with the full power of the Orb, Claudus's descent into madness is complete. He becomes "The Specter of Sir Claudus" - however, instead of being a fiery, demonic being like the Specter of Darigan, he's a being of light with a large ring of light hovering behind him. Basically, it takes his "Light is not good" motif and magnifies it. - Hunter and Miraja, unable to defeat Claudus alone, team up on him - Hunter manages to hold Claudus in a swordfight long enough that Miraja's able to use her speed to jump behind him, grab the Orb, and throw it against the ground, breaking it. - Much like Kass, Claudus is destroyed by The Three - finally realizing he's been manipulated by beings of darkness the whole time, he's consumed by darkness instead of being vaporized like Kass was.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2016 20:53:59 GMT -5
HEY
GUESS WHAT
I'M GONNA WRITE THIS THING
YEAH
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2016 19:10:55 GMT -5
I think I figured out what Bones's weapon would be. See, I've waffled between him using an anchor as a weapon or a giant bone as a weapon. I've recently decided on the anchor because I had a really cool concept. See, he still uses a big anchor, but there's a neat twist. There's a long chain attached to it, and at the end there's a heavy piece of metal. It's basically an oversized kusarigama, but the sickle's replaced with an anchor. In-universe, he got the idea after he saw a ninja use it on Mystery Island. Miraja still uses a pair of tessen (iron fans) that let her manipulate wind, and Hunter uses Curtana, the legendary Sword of Mercy. It can't kill or seriously wound any living opponents, merely stunning them with magic power. It can still cut through machines and plants, though - it doesn't have a dull edge, the enchantment is what keeps it from being lethal. It once had many more special powers, but as centuries passed, the magic waned until its core enchantment was the only one left. It's been passed down in Hunter's family for generations. It ws actually forged alongside a sword called Tyrfing. Tyrfing is Claudus's sword. It is more than capable of killing, and can cut through almost anything. It has a curse placed on it, though - the wielder will bring about three great evils. The cursed sword has been responsible for many dark deeds as it swapped hands over the years. Claudus is its current bearer, and has already been responsible for a horrible curse and an era of war. What he's doing next will be the third great evil he commits...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 13:59:44 GMT -5
hey
guess what
CHAPTER ONE OF DESOLATION OF MERIDELL IS FINISHED
but i'm not posting it here, you'll have to wait to see it in the NT
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Post by Carolyn on Sept 5, 2016 15:39:12 GMT -5
I just wanted to let you know that I'm super-hyped for this. Like, not even gonna lie, I'm looking forward to this story something fierce.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 15:48:57 GMT -5
Here's an excerpt from it. Miraja was sneaking around in the rafters. She saw two knights - a skinny red Eyrie and a brawny yellow Krawk, conversing with each other. The Eyrie was holding a sharp lance, and the Krawk had a massive axe on his back. The Eyrie started talking "Argus, do you think Claudus will promote me after he takes over?" He laughed. "I'm sure he will. After all, I'm clearly his smartest soldier."
The Krawk growled. "You wouldn't even be promoted to being a squire, Icaros."
Icaros smirked. "Says the knight from Bogshot." He laughed smugly.
Argus narrowed his eyes and cracked his knuckles. "One of these days, Icaros... One of these days." I like these two already.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 20:05:52 GMT -5
I'm aiming for seven chapters. Also, HOLY COW ANOTHER EXCERPT He ran out onto the battle and slammed his anchor into the ground to get the attention of the knights. "OI! YOU LADS BETTER SCATTER!" Skarl's knights got out of the way, knowing that the odds were stacked against the traitors now that Bones joined the battle. Claudus's knights charged at Bones, and the old Krawk laughed. "BRING IT ON, LADS!" He swung his flail around, striking the traitors in wide arcs. When one got close, he slammed his anchor at him, sending him hurtling into a wall. "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! IT'LL TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THAT TO BEAT THE STRONGEST MAN ON THE FIVE SEAS!" Oh, Bones. It's like you only stop being a grouchy old salt when you get to bash some heads.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 21:28:44 GMT -5
oh, and guess what
I DECIDED TO PUT SIROCCO IN THIS NOW! Everyone's favorite gambling, time-freezing thief is in this (and he has cards now instead of a dagger since cards are cooler)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 22:17:05 GMT -5
Oh, and you know what else IT'S WITCH TIME WITH ASHLYNNE FIVE HEROES ONE DESTINY BIONICLE DESOLATION OF MERIDELL She and Sirocco are coming in in chapter II, which I'm currently working on. You can expect a Roberta cameo and maybe some obscure TDF characters since they're heading to Brightvale. Sirocco pulls a big darn heroes moment when Hunter and Miraja are attacked by Ixi raiders while protecting Prince Tourin. His carriage crashed AGAIN, and Bones is helping his servant repair it. Ashlynne comes in in a little side part of chapter II where she's talking to Darigan, who's worrying that something bad has happened in Meridell. He sends her to Brightvale to see if King Hagan can help them find out what's happening - Darigan's worried that sending his own troops down to Meridell could be seen as a sign of aggression if Meridell was being ruled by Skarl and possibly start another war by accident. She joins up with Hunter and company for a bit. Then Darigan dies and she becomes the temporary ruler of the Citadel.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 14:34:02 GMT -5
so uh this stuff is gonna be in spoilers but I'm putting chapter one here for comments and criticism so I can make it better if it's not good enough yet. So yeah, major spoilers. Deep in the darkest part of Meridell's dungeon, a White Kougra was locked in a reinforced cell, with multiple magical chains holding him down. No matter how hard he pulled on the chains, he couldn't break free... At least, that's what the Meridellians hoped. His name was Claudus – one of Neopia's most infamous figures, he was the one who stole the Orb from the Darigan Citadel, committing the unforgivable crime of attacking a pacifist nation. After stealing it, the Orb gave him amazing light-elemental powers, but at a price – much like what would happen to Darigan years later, his mind was twisted by its power. Although he was already a zealot who was dedicated to doing anything for the “good” of Meridell – even if he had to hurt countless others for it – the Orb drove him even more insane.
He was so insane that he and his band of knights attacked Skarl and the other knights upon their return. In Claudus's mind, Skarl was a pathetic ruler – it was for Meridell's own good that Claudus would be their new king. After being defeated by his former friend Sir Arthur Gallant and the heroic knights he rallied to fight the traitors, Claudus was stripped of his rank – his minions were locked in the dungeon, and he was locked in solitary confinement in the deepest, darkest part of the oubliette. He pulled against his chains again... And this time, he could feel them breaking. "It's time to finish what I started," he thought to himself, and he pulled again, breaking the chains. "It's time for Skarl's reign to end... And for mine to begin."
“Hey, Hunter! Heads up!” A young Yellow Lupe threw a small ball towards a White Lupe, hoping to play catch with the older Neopian.
“Wha- Ow!” The ball hit him in the head, knocking him over. “Where did that... Oh, now I see where it came from.” Hunter smiled and grabbed the ball. “Why am I not surprised...” He tossed the ball back at her. “Could you give me some warning next time, Lucy?”
Lucy Ellis looked down. “Awww, but Sir Hunter-”
“Please don't call me that. Just call me Hunter, like you did when I was a farmhand, all right?” Hunter smiled. “Now, you better think fast! Catch!” Hunter threw the ball over to Lucy. Thanks to Hunter's terrible aim, it ended up missing her by about ten feet.
“Hunter, you're just as bad at catch as you were back when you worked for Mom and Dad!” Lucy laughed. “Maybe you should – EEP!” Another ball flew right by her head, barely missing her by a few inches.
“Sorry, guess I shoulda warned you!” A Striped Xweetok jumped down from a tree branch and laughed. “If you want to play catch, try playing it with someone who's actually good at throwing!” She then gave Hunter a mischievous smile.
“Miraja,” Hunter laughed, “how many times do I have to tell you not to surprise people like that?”
Miraja shrugged and nonchalantly caught the ball Lucy threw back to her without even looking. “I'm a ninja. It's what I do, you know?” She turned back to Lucy, and prepared to throw again. "Think fast!" She threw the ball and it soared over the young Lupe.
"Awww, you always win!" Lucy crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at Miraja. Miraja, being Miraja, decided to do the same thing.
"Miraja..." Hunter sighed and clutched his face with his paw. "You're really childish sometimes, you know that?"
Miraja glared at Hunter. "Yeah, so?" She laughed a bit and then leaned against a fencepost. "It's not like you weren't playing."
Hunter shrugged and laughed. "I guess you're right." Hunter walked up to Miraja. "It's getting late. We should probably get back home."
Miraja rolled her eyes. "Sure, why not?" As she and Hunter walked off to their home, she waved back to Lucy. "See ya!"
Lucy waved back, and then she walked back towards the Ellis's farm.
After getting back to their home, Hunter placed the cooking pot underneath the chimney. "So, what do you want to eat tonight?"
"I dunno," Miraja said, reclining on the . "Potato stew? Since that's all we ever have." She laughed. "At least you're good at cooking them." The Xweetok flicked her tail around idly. "I hope Bones gets here with the firewood soon..."
Hunter laughed and grabbed a some potatoes before putting them in the pot. "What vegetables do you want this time?" He went out towards the garden, ready to pick some.
"I dunno. I guess some carro- YIKES!" Miraja jumped out of her seat as the front door slammed open.
"Here's the firewood!" Bones walked in. The old Pirate Krawk dumped the firewood near the chimney. "You won't believe all the troubles I went through to bring these here. I was attacked by a giant Drackonack, mobbed by Crokabeks, all sorts of nasty critters!" Bones grinned and flexed his arm. "Good thing I'm still the strongest man on the Five Seas, eh?" He brandished the anchor he uses as a makeshift hammer before setting it down on the floor and sitting in his rocking chair.
Miraja rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever." She got back in her seat. "Just... Don't surprise me like that again, okay?"
Bones laughed nervously. "Sorry, lass. Hunter, how's the food comin' along?" He grabbed the canteen of grog he always carried and took a swig from it. "Hopefully the potatoes are as good as they were last time!"
"Well..." Hunter shook his head. "I don't think the food's ready, considering you just got here with the firewood." Hunter started hacking away at the firewood with his sword - Bones, being Bones, had taken logs that were much too big to fit under the chimney. "You could always have some fungus to tide you over. I put it over there in the larder." Hunter pointed out the window. "Hopefully cutting this doesn't take too lon-" Suddenly, someone started knocking on the door frantically. "What in the world?!" Hunter opened the door, and saw a red Quiggle with a goatee. "Rupert...? What does Skarl want now?"
The Quiggle saluted the knight. "Sir Hunter! Come to the castle, quick! It's under attack!"
Hunter growled. "I hope it's not some bandits again."
Rupert shook his head. "No, it's worse! Claudus has escaped!"
Hunter's jaw dropped. "No, that's... That's impossible! He's been locked away in the oubliette for years! There's no way he'd make it out!"
Rupert was shaking, still shocked by what he saw happen back in the castle. "That's what we all thought, Hunter. Hurry! Skarl ordered all of his knights to arms!"
Hunter nodded. "We'll have to eat later." Hunter grabbed his sword Curtana off of its mount on the wall and placed it in its sheath. "Bones, Miraja, let's go."
Miraja nodded. "Right!" She grabbed her twin tessen and hung them from the sash around her waist. "Bones, are you coming?"
Bones grumbled. "Of course this happens before dinner..." He grabbed his anchor and grasped the weighted chain in his other hand. "You can count on me, lass!" Bones then raised his eyebrow. "Erm... Who's Claudus?"
Hunter sighed. "I don't have time to explain right now. We have to hurry!" Hunter ran out the door, and the other two followed him.
The trio arrived at Meridell Castle Town and saw knights fighting other knights. "Claudus must have broken his minions out of the dungeon." Hunter looked at Miraja and Bones. "We need to work on a plan to get in. Bones," Hunter said as he pointed to the entrance to the castle. "I need you to do some crowd control so I can get into the castle and help Jeran rally the knights and the royal guard. With that flail at the other end of your anchor's chain, you can clear a pretty wide area."
Bones grinned. "Aye, lad. I've been waitin' for a brawl!" He ran out onto the battle and slammed his anchor into the ground to get the attention of the knights. "OI! YOU LADS BETTER SCATTER!" Skarl's knights got out of the way, knowing that the odds were stacked against the traitors now that Bones joined the battle. Claudus's knights charged at Bones, and the old Krawk laughed. "BRING IT ON, LADS!" He swung his flail around, striking the traitors in wide arcs. When one got close, he slammed his anchor at him, sending him hurtling into a wall. "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?! IT'LL TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THAT TO BEAT THE STRONGEST MAN ON THE FIVE SEAS!"
Hunter and Miraja watched Bones. Hunter then turned towards Miraja. "Miraja, I need you to sneak in there and cover me in case I get in a fight. I need to meet Jeran as quickly as possible. If we can pull this off, we might manage to defeat Claudus."
Miraja nodded. "Sure thing, Hunter." She unfolded her fans and jumped in the air, using them to propel herself higher. She landed on a rooftop and began hopping from roof to roof, aiming for one of the castle's windows. "Too bad I'm gonna have to break some glasswork."
Hunter cautiously looked around. Many of Claudus's minions were futilely trying to attack Bones. Hunter drew Curtana and swiftly made his way towards the castle.
Miraja crashed through the window and landed silently in the bedroom of a Grey Quiggle named Hopkins, who was sound asleep in his bed despite the chaos going on inside and outside of the castle. He woke up quickly and gasped. "An assassin! Don't hurt me, I'm just the majordomo!"
Miraja slapped her hand to her face. "I'm not an assassin, I'm Miraja! You've met me before! The castle's under attack by Claudus-"
"CLAUDUS?!" Hopkins's eyes widened and he started hyperventilating.
Miraja sighed. "Hopkins, get a hold of yourself! I need your help!"
Hopkins began to calm down. "Right. I'll rally the castle staff. We may not look like much, but we're stronger than we look." The Quiggle grabbed his wig off of its stand and donned a determined expression. "I shall never let his majesty down!"
Miraja grinned. "You do that. I'm gonna sneak around and try and cover Hunter." She quietly opened the door and snuck out, jumping onto the rafters in the ceiling.
Bones laughed and slammed his anchor into another one of Claudus's minions. "THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD IN AGES!" He looked behind him and saw Hunter making his way into the castle. He saw one of Claudus's minions start to sneak up behind Hunter with his axe raised. "OH NO, YOU DON'T! GET OVER HERE!" Bones swung the flail attached to his anchor and hurled it at the evil soldier, wrapping it around him and dragging him away from the young Lupe. Bones then used the chain to hurl him into the woods. "AND DON'T COME BACK!" The Krawk then returned to taking on the rest of the soldiers.
Miraja was sneaking around in the rafters. She saw a skinny red Eyrie and a brawny yellow Krawk conversing with each other. The Eyrie was holding a sharp lance, and the Krawk had a massive axe on his back. The Eyrie started talking "Argus, do you think Claudus will promote me after he takes over?" He laughed. "I'm sure he will. After all, I'm clearly his smartest soldier."
The Krawk growled. "You wouldn't even be promoted to being a squire, Icaros."
Icaros smirked. "At least I'm not a Slorg herder from Bogshot." He laughed smugly.
Argus narrowed his eyes and cracked his knuckles. "One of these days, Icaros... One of these days."
Miraja smirked before jumping down. "Hey, did you guys just come here from Stupid Town?" She brandished her tessen and unfolded them. "Because you two sure don't seem like Claudus's best and brightest!"
Icaros laughed smugly. "Oh, look, it's a Shenkuuvian. What could a weak, scrawny little thing like you do to the smartest knight in Meridellian history?" He pointed his spear at her, and Argus grabbed his axe.
"Oh, I don't know... How about this?" She clapped her fans together, sending a powerful burst of air towards the two knights, knocking them off their feet. "Who's weak now, huh?" She ran off, leaving the two dazed knights behind.
"Ugh..." Icaros picked himself up off the floor, rubbing his head. "The next time I see that brat, I'll give her what for!"
Argus got back up and growled. "She won't survive a minute in this place. Let her run."
"All right, I'm almost to the knight's quarters. Hopefully Jeran's in there..." Hunter hid behind a pillar as he watched two treacherous soldiers fighting two members of Skarl's royal guard. "If anyone can deal with Claudus, he ca- Urk!" He turned around and saw a sword pointed at him!
Jeran growled "Stop right ther-... Wait, Hunter?" He lowered his sword and sighed. "I'm sorry, I thought you might have been one of Claudus's soldiers."
Hunter laughed. "It doesn't matter now. Have you managed to rally all the knights, sir?"
Jeran shook his head. "No, Claudus managed to get some of the guards on his side. They've got the quarters blocked. Looks like it's you and me, Hunter." Jeran hid behind the pillar with Hunter.
Hunter nodded. "What are your orders, sir?" He glanced around the pillar, and saw two yellow Skeiths in golden armor fending off some of Claudus's goons.
Jeran watched the royal guard. "We let the royal guard cover us while we get into the throne room. Hopefully Skarl can help us take down Claudus. His majesty is a better fighter than he looks." Jeran narrowed his eyes. "Hunter, I'll go ahead. You wait for my signal, alright?"
"Yes, commander." Hunter grinned. "Let's do this."
Jeran smiled back at the other knight before starting off. He made his way in front of the throne room and waved to Hunter. "The path is clear! Follow me!"
Hunter nodded and dashed off to the throne room, entering it with Jeran. The two of them saw Skarl with an aggravated look on his face.
The old Skeith growled. "Could someone tell me WHAT IN THE NAME OF FYORA IS GOING ON OUT THERE?!"
Jeran looked up at the king. "Claudus has escaped. He's broken his soldiers out of the dungeon and managed to convince some of the other soldiers to join him.
Skarl's eye twitched. "You're joking, right? Claudus could NEVER escape! I'm sure that Darigan's finally decided to fight us agai-"
Hunter glared at Skarl. "DARIGAN WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" He noticed Skarl and Jeran staring at him in disbelief, and Hunter scratched the back of his head in embarassment. "I apologize, it's just that I know him too well. He's on our side."
Skarl rolled his eyes. "If it's not him, who is it? Ixi Raiders aren't organized enough to do this." Skarl then laughed nervously. "It's clearly just an elaborate joke, right? I give it a B minus, then..." He then saw the two Lupes staring at him, and he gulped nervously. "... It's not a joke, is it?" The Lupes shook their heads. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room slammed open, and Skarl's royal guard careened through them and hit the wall behind the king. They were knocked out cold, and a tall white Kougra calmly strode into the room. "It's... No! It can't be you!" Skarl growled and got out of his throne, grabbing his sword. "I won't let you take over my kingdom!"
Claudus narrowed his eyes and growled before unsheating his sword Tyrfing. "You don't stand a chance, you old fool." He then noticed Hunter and Jeran both standing at Skarl's side with their swords drawn. "Ah, so you must be the new Knight Commander. You look just like your father, boy."
Hunter growled and shook his head. "I'm not the Knight Commander. Jeran is, and I won't let him down."
Jeran nodded. "It's true." He then brandished his sword. "I won't let you harm his majesty!"
Claudus glared at the trio. "So Arthur's son is merely a knight? You're a disgrace to your family's name, boy. You're even more pathetic than your father."
Hunter snarled angrily. "My father was stronger than you EVER were!" He charged at Claudus and swung Curtana at the Kougra. "I won't let you insult him!"
Claudus deflected the blow with Tyrfing, and then lifted Hunter up by grabbing his throat. "Can't you see? You're weak! Your father was a traitor, and Skarl doesn't deserve to rule!" He threw Hunter at a wall, knocking the Lupe out. "Now as for the rest of you..." He narrowed his eyes. "Stand down. I'm king now."
Skarl roared at the Kougra. "I'm never taking orders from you! HAVE AT THEE!" Skarl almost charged at Claudus in anger, but Jeran gave him a look and the old Skeith backed down. "... I suppose I'll have to let Jeran take care of you."
Jeran nodded. "As the commander of the Knights of Meridell, my duty is to protect his majesty and the land he rules. En garde!" He charged at Claudus, and the two began to battle. Their swords clashed repeatedly, and neither was willing to give up. "I'll put you and your minions back in the dungeons where you belong!"
Claudus roared at the Lupe. "I WILL RULE THIS KINGDOM!" He swung Tyrfing at Jeran, knocking his sword out of his hand and sending him hurtling towards the wall. "Now, as for you, your majesty... I suggest you surrender."
Skarl glared back with a determined expression. "NEVER!" He charged at Claudus, but Claudus simply swung Tyrfing and broke Skarl's sword. "... I really shouldn't have used my ceremonial sword." Skarl put his hands up and surrendered. "I'll get you for this! You'll be locked away even deeper than last time!"
Claudus pointed at Skarl and Jeran as his soldiers entered the room. "Seize them!" He then gestured to Hunter. "Leave the whelp to me. I'll see to it he joins his father soon." The guards saluted before dragging Jeran and Skarl away. Claudus walked towards the door. "It's time for me to inform the people of Meridell of their new king."
Miraja had made her way into the throne room, and gasped when she saw Hunter lying unconscious in the corner. "No!" She leaped down and woke him up.
Hunter opened his eyes. "Did they defeat Claudus?" He slowly stood up.
Miraja shook her head. "No. They've locked up Skarl, Jeran, and any knights and guards who remained loyal to them." She walked towards the door. "We can't stay here!"
Hunter got up. "Right. There's no way we would stand a chance against an entire castle full of Claudus's minions." He followed Miraja, and the two snuck out of the castle.
The two of them walked around the streets, hiding from Claudus's guards. "Where's Bones?" Hunter glanced around. "I hope he's alright..." Then he noticed the old Krawk lying down on the street. "BONES!" Him and Miraja ran up to Bones. "Wake up, Bones! We have to get out of here!"
Bones grumbled as he began to stir. "Ugh... Too many of them... Had to play dead..." He picked himself up off the ground. "I hate myself right now... I shouldn't have given up."
Miraja shook her head. "Just get up and follow us." She started off towards the woods outside of the town, and Hunter followed her.
Bones growled. "Fine, lass." He hefted his anchor up and followed the two younger Neopians, using his anchor as a cane. When the three of them found a hiding place in the woods, they took a rest. "Where are we going, anyway?"
"Brightvale," Hunter said. "It's the safest place right now."
Miraja and Bones nodded, and the trio began to make their way towards Brightvale.
To be continued... So yeah, if there's any problems, feel free to tell me so I can attempt to fix them. I've been in the NT numerous times by now, but I still want some help the help me turn it into something truly great. Seeing how hyped you guys are, I don't want it to end up being a disappointment.
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Caylista
Frequent Visitor
Mooncalf
I can't believe you would argue in the face of Ultimate Reality.
Posts: 229
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Post by Caylista on Sept 7, 2016 18:30:33 GMT -5
So I just found your thread! And I'm not really a great at giving critique by any means, but I'll try to give a little input. (: So firstly (and this isn't part of the critique), I really do like Bones! Also, I see that you've chosen to go ahead and add the two other characters you mentioned, Sirocco and Ashlynne. I just wanted to say that I believe a five-man cast (even with supporting site characters), is certainly doable, and I look forward to seeing how you weave them in. (: Now, one obvious edit I noticed was in the last section: "him and Miraja" to "he and Miraja". Other than that, I had the impression that it read perhaps a little fast (to me, at least). I think this might have been due to constantly switching scenes without focusing too much on the characters, or how they were reacting. Of course, that might just be me, though! I will say that for a first chapter, the amount of momentum you were able to build right off the bat is definitely a good draw. As for the very beginning, though, is there any way to possibly elaborate further on Claudus' motives/backstory? Not in the way of being excessively wordy, but perhaps giving a brief backdrop of the preceding war. Obviously, since most people know it, or can look it up, it doesn't need to be terribly detailed. Just point out what happened, to kind of help set the story, in regards to the events that are ultimately tied to it. (: If I think of anything else, I will add to it, but I should probably let those who are better at editing/critiquing take over. ;u; And overall, I am still very excited for this series!! Keep it up! *sends positive/inspiration vibes!* Edit: Also, I forgot to add that I loved this part here Dailies-referential humor is the best.
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Post by Carolyn on Sept 7, 2016 19:25:57 GMT -5
Oh gosh. I want to give you feedback but the timing is really tough. D: I start a new job tomorrow, but, um... maybe on Sunday I'll have a little time?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 8:54:52 GMT -5
I'm planning on detailing Claudus's backstory during one of the later chapters, where Hunter explains the whole thing to the other heroes.
Also, Ashlynne is mainly going to stay in the Citadel (I'm planning for her to become its temporary leader, since she's basically Darigan's adopted daughter. She's eventually given the position of permanent leader after Claudus is gone.), but Sirocco is joining up with the rest. I'm glad you like Bones, Caylista =D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 16:20:47 GMT -5
Change of plans. Sirocco's gonna go off and gather some members of the Thieves' Guild since he's friends with Kanrik. He's an ex-member of the Thieves' Guild, but he's kept in touch with Kanrik ever since Galem was defeated. He's still gonna get a cool fight scene in Chapter II (which is COMPLETE) and will come back near the end with an army of thieves backing him up, but the story's back to focusing on Hunter, Miraja and Bones. Ashlynne will get a big focus in scenes on the Citadel, though. Like Darigan's death.
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Post by Moni on Sept 12, 2016 16:32:21 GMT -5
Okay, just posting here saying that I ♥ anything to do with Meridell and am also similarly hyped for this. I'm assuming you're not looking for thoughts on the first part anymore, but Be careful with the pacing and the amount of characters you throu at us all at once. For someone who hasn't followed your cast in a few years it's kind of difficult to keep up with them--and also, this sort of really fast pacing doesn't really make characters so much as affectations and quirks, so slow it down would be my recommendation. The descriptions could also use a fair bit of work--I'm kind of imagining everything in an empty void. The flow of the writing is really good, and the plot seems to have a lot of action going around (as opposed to what a lot of bad writers like me do and just write a bunch of characters sitting around and talking in unrelated settings.) I do like the character moments that you do show as well.
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