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Post by Allison on Oct 15, 2014 22:22:54 GMT -5
Okay. I've re-written it. It's over 1,200 words now, so I'm not sure if this fits best as an article or a short story. I went with the "Top 10" idea. I have some specific questions I'll ask at the end, after the actual story/spoiler. Ah yes. It's that time of year again. New students have started at Brightville University. The professors are teaching, and the students are learning. Well, most of them anyway. Soon it will already be time for the Day of Giving break, and everyone at Brightville University, students and professors alike, will probably be more than ready. I am a professor at Brightville and have come up with a list of top things that we hope we never hear from a student's mouth again. From excuses for missing class, to questions about the class itself, we've heard it all. If you are already a student at Brightville, I hope none of these were modeled after you. And if you are a future student, keep these things in mind as words of advice. It just might make your studies at Brightville a bit more tolerable. So now, here are the top annoying things that we never want to hear, with my and my fellow professors' responses, commentary, and possible punishment, should you ever utter these words.
10. "Do I really have to buy the textbook?" Yes, you need to buy the textbook. These are university courses. I don't assign books just for the heck of it. Well, I mean, not usually, at least. Punishment for asking: You will be five additional books to read. Please purchase. "Extinct Neopian Languages," "Ancient Book," "The Legend of Scordrax," "Book of Splinters," and "Famous Sculptures." There will be a quiz. Tomorrow. And it will be worth a rather sizable portion of your grade. It will also eat up a rather sizable portion of your bank account.
9. "Did we do anything important the first week of class? I had to miss, but I'm just now getting around to telling you." Why yes. Actually, we discussed the history of Meepits, which evolved into a discussion of how to survive the upcoming Meepit Apocalypse. It was a life-saving discussion that cannot be replicated, because the entire class, except for you, apparently, participated, and I cannot possibly remember everything they said. So sorry, and good luck in the Meepit Apocalypse. Punishment: You will be the first to go to the front lines in defense of Neopia when the Meepit come for... whatever it is they're after.
8. "I'm sorry. I missed class, but you see, I only had one hour to complete this fountain faerie quest. You must know how important those are. I've been nearly dying to paint myself baby." I once had a student who used this excuse four times in one semester. She didn't even change colors once. It's not like she was generous and gave them to her siblings.... she's an only child. Punishment: You will be the next pet in line for the labray. You know how those things tend to misfire. You want to be turned baby, huh? I hope it doesn't turn you elderly instead.
7. "I'm sorry I missed class the other day, but it was Friday. Surely you understand." Yes, I understand. I once had a guest speaker come in on a Friday to talk about the fall of Faerie Land and it's impact on the Neopian economy. I told him " Many students here think the weekend starts on Thursday. These are the good students who actually come on Friday." Punishment: Since you don't want to come to class on Friday, I will come to YOU on Friday. I'll find you in your university housing and wake you up at 5:00 AM so I can give you my fascinating lecture on how the introduction of Neo Cash led to the moral decline of Neopia. Reward for the rest: I will bring in a cake to share with the class. I'll make sure to bring it in on a Friday.
6. "Professor, I have Neo-flu, and I don't have enough money to pay for the cure. Will you give one to me?" This one still confounds me. I would think that students here would have a basic understanding of Neopia and it's basic features. At the very least, I would hope you would have learned not to beg. Punishment: You will write "Healing Springs every thirty minutes" 100 times. After that, I will release you to go to the healing springs. When you return, if you are not healed, you will again write the aforementioned sentence 100 times. This process will continue until you are healed. Don't worry. I'm sure the healing springs will cure your writer's cramp also.
5. "Oh, wait. That was due today?" Yes. It was due today. I've only mentioned it in class every day for the past few weeks. Would it help if it were written on the syllabus and I sent you neo-messages to remind you? Oh wait. I did. Punishment: If you do not turn this assignment in today, you will receive a zero. However, I will give you the option of an alternate assignment. For your alternate assignment, you must write a 100-page essay on how to combat Dr. Sloth's brainwashing, because clearly, you are suffering from it. That's the only explanation for such a gross loss of memory.
4. "My petpetpet died." So let me get this straight. A parasite comes to live on your petpet, and not only are you happy about that, but you are so upset at its death that you have to mourn its loss? How do you know it died anyway? It's probably just gone missing in all that fur on your Noil. Also, do you really think I don't know that petpetpets can't die? You must have accidentally unequipped it. Unless, of course your petpet has run off too. Punishment: You must buy five petpetpets (You ARE a premium member who has five pets and five petpets, right?), sit at the computer and refresh until all five attach to your petpets. I'll be watching. Always watching.
3. "When and where did David Techo die?." Feed the Esophagor. How many times do I have to say it? Feed the Esophagor. I may be a Neopian History professor, but I don't know everything. Besides, that Brain Tree and the Esophagor have some sort of weird conspiracy theory going. Even if I were to give you an answer, and even if I could find these people somewhere in the annals of Neopian History, they probably wouldn't even accept my answer. Feed the Esophagor! Punishment: You must go to the Esophagor, see how much the items he requests cost, and donate the same amount to the Soup Kitchen, as part of the "Feed the Neopets" campaign, held every year before the holidays.
2. "How did I know that was supposed to be on the test? You're tests are so hard." I gave you a study guide a week before the class, gave you class time to work on it, and gave you the page numbers for the answers. If you can't complete that simple task, then I question how you were admitted to BVU in the first place. Punishment: You may retake the test, but it will be a completely new test, with no study guide, and will cover all of Neopian history, from the creation of the Chia to the great server transfer of year 16.
1. "I missed that assignment because my account was hacked, and the hacker stole all my NP, un-enrolled me from all of my BVU classes, returned all my books to the bookstore, and deleted all of my assignments. And I had the most complicated password ever too, so I know I was really hacked, and they didn't just guess my password, or anything like that. It was 'Password1!' I mean, who would ever guess that? So you see, last night, I had to make a new account, re-enroll in all my classes, play games to earn back the NP so I could buy the books again, and then start on the assignment all over again." Really? You're password was 'Password1!' Let me guess your new one. It's 'Password2?' Punishment: You must write a 2000 word essay on account security and come up with a list 1000 acceptable passwords. Then you must come up with one more password to actually use with this new account.
As you can plainly see, those of us who are professors must deal with silly questions on a daily basis. I suppose it's no more than, say, the Pound owner or the editorial writer, but one would think that the students at BVU would have more sense than this. They are, after all, the future of Neopia. That actually gives me nightmares at times. But all in all, being a professor at BVU has its perks. When that baby kougra (Not the one who had the four faerie fountain quests) finally catches on, and says you're the reason she wants to become a professor, well, there's nothing that can replace that. Not even the best Day of Giving gift that Neopoints can buy. Questions: 1. I kind of combine "real world" or owner/TNT type actions (i.e. the password bit, the server transfer, mention of the editorial, and probably other things) with more "pet" or "Neopian" actions, and I'm not sure that works. 2. I was actually thinking this would be a collection from different professors. If I go that direction, should I name each professor? (Example: 10. "[student quote]" Professor [name]: response. If not, does it work as being all one professor? And does that professor need a name? 3. Spelling. Please check my spelling, especially of Neopian words. 4. Title ideas 5. Do I even have any hope of getting in this late? 6. Short story or article? |
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Post by Blu on Oct 16, 2014 13:26:13 GMT -5
Brightville = Brightvale. <-- Just a little typo.
Tyrania = Tyrannia <-- another little typo
What I see is less of an article more of a short story and the makings of a good one.
The conflict as far as I can see (if you decide to turn this into a short story) would be a professor dealing with "not-so-good" students. This could be pretty comedic.
To add if you choose to change this into a short story would probably be some scenery/description. Make the protagonist character a bit noticeable. I think Professor Lambert was your character here but it did not appear as clear to me. Some questions you might want to ask yourself include, 1) what is my beginning, climax, and resolution? 2) the smaller conflicts are each individual action done by the students, do I want a larger conflict to wrap the smaller conflicts together? 3) Is the professor ranting in his head, writing in a journal, or discussing with other professors in a teacher's lounge?
I would keep the smaller conflicts. They are realistic (I'm guessing you either teach or have gone to college cause each annoyance the students commit are spot on. Some I have even done!)
Now, if you are not to keen about writing a short story an article is still possible. You seem to be writing down all the excuses and annoyances students do. Why not write this as an essay produced by Professor Lambert? This could be a list, a journal, or even an essay (remember the minimum word count for an article is 1,000 words but you can have up to 50,000 words)
I'm going to continue to think about feedback I may be able to provide you so keep checking back okay? Good luck. let me know if you need help.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2014 14:07:07 GMT -5
Hey, don't give up! I think the premise is really cute, and you did an awesome job of weaving together various aspects of the world and the site (like the Healing Springs and Fountain Faerie quests).  Here's some feedback: My first suggestion for lengthening it would be to add more description and detail in appropriate places. At the beginning, when Lambert's talking about Day of Giving break approaching, maybe add in some description of the weather, what people are doing around campus to prepare, the general atmosphere, etc. Likewise, at the end, when he talks about sitting at home and calming his nerves, what is his home like? What does he do to calm his nerves? You may also want to add descriptions and details about the other characters you mention, such as the first three students and the guest speaker. What are their species and color? How did they act when they were talking to Lambert? Are there any other traits of his students' that annoy him? Finally, look through the writing and see if there are any unanswered questions. Here are a few that came to my mind when I was reading: What subject(s) does Lambert teach? Why can't the Meepit discussion be replicated, in whole or in part? What was the importance of the guest speaker, and what did they talk about? Answering these in the text can help add more life and length to the piece. The ending does feel a little abrupt. Perhaps you could lead into it better by having Lambert summarize his feelings about his wayward students and again express his frustrations, to bring us back to why he's so frazzled and excited for break. I honestly found the Meepit thing a little overdone to begin with, so I think adding them in anywhere else would start to be overkill. Just a suggestion, but why not pick a different Petpet to start conspiracy theories over? Of course, if you like Meepits and their surrounding NT lore, that's fine, but I think one mention would be enough. A few other things to consider: - Like Blu said, this seems more like a short story than an article. Articles are usually non-narrative in form and more instructional or informational in tone. What you've got here is an inner monologue. While it works great as a short story, if you still want it to be an article, maybe you could give it more of the feel of an opinion piece where Lambert discusses all of the various excuses he's gotten from students and why they don't work. (Also keep in mind that the minimum word count for short stories is 1200 words, if you want to go that direction.) - The narrative voice seems a little out-of-character for Lambert. In his site appearances, he speaks in a rather sophisticated and formal manner (you can see his dialogue here), and your narration here seems a little too blunt and casual for him. While it's ultimately a matter of personal taste, you might want to consider either modifying the prose to sound more like Lambert's site persona, or making up an entirely new character (since I don't think it's ever mentioned in site canon that he teaches at BVU, anyway). Or at least have some sort of explanation for the discrepancy, such as his sophisticated speech being a front. If you decide to continue with this, good luck! I think it would be great for the BVU issue! |
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Post by Allison on Oct 16, 2014 21:29:22 GMT -5
So I'm actually thinking of turning this more into a "top 10" type thing. "Top Annoying Situations for the BVU Professor" or something Add an intro, try to get about 100 words per "top 10" entry... maybe even do more than 10, and then a summary/conclusion.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2014 22:04:27 GMT -5
Yeah, that sounds good too! It seems like you have a lot of ideas for it. |
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Post by Allison on Oct 19, 2014 22:06:56 GMT -5
Okay. I edited my first post with the new story. Still not sure it works, and it may be too late, But I tried, at least.
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Post by Blu on Oct 19, 2014 22:21:34 GMT -5
Okay. I've re-written it. It's over 1,200 words now, so I'm not sure if this fits best as an article or a short story. I went with the "Top 10" idea. I have some specific questions I'll ask at the end, after the actual story/spoiler. Ah yes. It's that time of year again. New students have started at Brightville University. The professors are teaching, and the students are learning. Well, most of them anyway. Soon it will already be time for the Day of Giving break, and everyone at Brightville University, students and professors alike, will probably be more than ready. I am a professor at Brightville and have come up with a list of top things that we hope we never hear from a student's mouth again. From excuses for missing class, to questions about the class itself, we've heard it all. If you are already a student at Brightville, I hope none of these were modeled after you. And if you are a future student, keep these things in mind as words of advice. It just might make your studies at Brightville a bit more tolerable. So now, here are the top annoying things that we never want to hear, with my and my fellow professors' responses, commentary, and possible punishment, should you ever utter these words.
10. "Do I really have to buy the textbook?" Yes, you need to buy the textbook. These are university courses. I don't assign books just for the heck of it. Well, I mean, not usually, at least. Punishment for asking: You will be five additional books to read. Please purchase. "Extinct Neopian Languages," "Ancient Book," "The Legend of Scordrax," "Book of Splinters," and "Famous Sculptures." There will be a quiz. Tomorrow. And it will be worth a rather sizable portion of your grade. It will also eat up a rather sizable portion of your bank account.
9. "Did we do anything important the first week of class? I had to miss, but I'm just now getting around to telling you." Why yes. Actually, we discussed the history of Meepits, which evolved into a discussion of how to survive the upcoming Meepit Apocalypse. It was a life-saving discussion that cannot be replicated, because the entire class, except for you, apparently, participated, and I cannot possibly remember everything they said. So sorry, and good luck in the Meepit Apocalypse. Punishment: You will be the first to go to the front lines in defense of Neopia when the Meepit come for... whatever it is they're after.
8. "I'm sorry. I missed class, but you see, I only had one hour to complete this fountain faerie quest. You must know how important those are. I've been nearly dying to paint myself baby." I once had a student who used this excuse four times in one semester. She didn't even change colors once. It's not like she was generous and gave them to her siblings.... she's an only child. Punishment: You will be the next pet in line for the labray. You know how those things tend to misfire. You want to be turned baby, huh? I hope it doesn't turn you elderly instead.
7. "I'm sorry I missed class the other day, but it was Friday. Surely you understand." Yes, I understand. I once had a guest speaker come in on a Friday to talk about the fall of Faerie Land and it's impact on the Neopian economy. I told him " Many students here think the weekend starts on Thursday. These are the good students who actually come on Friday." Punishment: Since you don't want to come to class on Friday, I will come to YOU on Friday. I'll find you in your university housing and wake you up at 5:00 AM so I can give you my fascinating lecture on how the introduction of Neo Cash led to the moral decline of Neopia. Reward for the rest: I will bring in a cake to share with the class. I'll make sure to bring it in on a Friday.
6. "Professor, I have Neo-flu, and I don't have enough money to pay for the cure. Will you give one to me?" This one still confounds me. I would think that students here would have a basic understanding of Neopia and it's basic features. At the very least, I would hope you would have learned not to beg. Punishment: You will write "Healing Springs every thirty minutes" 100 times. After that, I will release you to go to the healing springs. When you return, if you are not healed, you will again write the aforementioned sentence 100 times. This process will continue until you are healed. Don't worry. I'm sure the healing springs will cure your writer's cramp also.
5. "Oh, wait. That was due today?" Yes. It was due today. I've only mentioned it in class every day for the past few weeks. Would it help if it were written on the syllabus and I sent you neo-messages to remind you? Oh wait. I did. Punishment: If you do not turn this assignment in today, you will receive a zero. However, I will give you the option of an alternate assignment. For your alternate assignment, you must write a 100-page essay on how to combat Dr. Sloth's brainwashing, because clearly, you are suffering from it. That's the only explanation for such a gross loss of memory.
4. "My petpetpet died." So let me get this straight. A parasite comes to live on your petpet, and not only are you happy about that, but you are so upset at its death that you have to mourn its loss? How do you know it died anyway? It's probably just gone missing in all that fur on your Noil. Also, do you really think I don't know that petpetpets can't die? You must have accidentally unequipped it. Unless, of course your petpet has run off too. Punishment: You must buy five petpetpets (You ARE a premium member who has five pets and five petpets, right?), sit at the computer and refresh until all five attach to your petpets. I'll be watching. Always watching.
3. "When and where did David Techo die?." Feed the Esophagor. How many times do I have to say it? Feed the Esophagor. I may be a Neopian History professor, but I don't know everything. Besides, that Brain Tree and the Esophagor have some sort of weird conspiracy theory going. Even if I were to give you an answer, and even if I could find these people somewhere in the annals of Neopian History, they probably wouldn't even accept my answer. Feed the Esophagor! Punishment: You must go to the Esophagor, see how much the items he requests cost, and donate the same amount to the Soup Kitchen, as part of the "Feed the Neopets" campaign, held every year before the holidays.
2. "How did I know that was supposed to be on the test? You're tests are so hard." I gave you a study guide a week before the class, gave you class time to work on it, and gave you the page numbers for the answers. If you can't complete that simple task, then I question how you were admitted to BVU in the first place. Punishment: You may retake the test, but it will be a completely new test, with no study guide, and will cover all of Neopian history, from the creation of the Chia to the great server transfer of year 16.
1. "I missed that assignment because my account was hacked, and the hacker stole all my NP, un-enrolled me from all of my BVU classes, returned all my books to the bookstore, and deleted all of my assignments. And I had the most complicated password ever too, so I know I was really hacked, and they didn't just guess my password, or anything like that. It was 'Password1!' I mean, who would ever guess that? So you see, last night, I had to make a new account, re-enroll in all my classes, play games to earn back the NP so I could buy the books again, and then start on the assignment all over again." Really? You're password was 'Password1!' Let me guess your new one. It's 'Password2?' Punishment: You must write a 2000 word essay on account security and come up with a list 1000 acceptable passwords. Then you must come up with one more password to actually use with this new account.
As you can plainly see, those of us who are professors must deal with silly questions on a daily basis. I suppose it's no more than, say, the Pound owner or the editorial writer, but one would think that the students at BVU would have more sense than this. They are, after all, the future of Neopia. That actually gives me nightmares at times. But all in all, being a professor at BVU has its perks. When that baby kougra (Not the one who had the four faerie fountain quests) finally catches on, and says you're the reason she wants to become a professor, well, there's nothing that can replace that. Not even the best Day of Giving gift that Neopoints can buy. Questions: 1. I kind of combine "real world" or owner/TNT type actions (i.e. the password bit, the server transfer, mention of the editorial, and probably other things) with more "pet" or "Neopian" actions, and I'm not sure that works. 2. I was actually thinking this would be a collection from different professors. If I go that direction, should I name each professor? (Example: 10. "[student quote]" Professor [name]: response. If not, does it work as being all one professor? And does that professor need a name? 3. Spelling. Please check my spelling, especially of Neopian words. 4. Title ideas 5. Do I even have any hope of getting in this late? 6. Short story or article? brightville = brightvale. What language do you view neopets in? In the first paragraph, it might flow better if you state, "my fellow professors' and my responses" instead of "my and my fellow professors' responses." In response to your specific questions: 1) In #1 you break the fourth wall a little by mentioning accounts. This if fine if you wish to break fourth walls (i believe I would check with a more seasoned NT publisher) but the rest of the work seems to not break the fourth wall, and thus my suggestion would be to be consistent with that. 2) In my opinion, if you are to go with multiple professors I would name each one, however, I think one professor is fine and works perfectly well. As far as name? Go right ahead, names add a lot to characters. Are you no longer doing this as professor lambert? 3. I mentioned some spelling at the top. I am not good with that though so just reread it again. I had a teacher once tell me reading backwards helps. Start at the bottom with the last word and read right to left. Hope that helps. 4.) Hopefully this link will help you out www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=364206&week=3105.) Yes there is always hope. I would submit no matter when because even if you miss the BVU issue, there will be an issue the week after, and the week after that. Write a good piece, and it will be published. 6) Article. |
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Post by Allison on Oct 19, 2014 22:35:42 GMT -5
Questions: 1. I kind of combine "real world" or owner/TNT type actions (i.e. the password bit, the server transfer, mention of the editorial, and probably other things) with more "pet" or "Neopian" actions, and I'm not sure that works. 2. I was actually thinking this would be a collection from different professors. If I go that direction, should I name each professor? (Example: 10. "[student quote]" Professor [name]: response. If not, does it work as being all one professor? And does that professor need a name? 3. Spelling. Please check my spelling, especially of Neopian words. 4. Title ideas 5. Do I even have any hope of getting in this late? 6. Short story or article? brightville = brightvale. What language do you view neopets in? In the first paragraph, it might flow better if you state, "my fellow professors' and my responses" instead of "my and my fellow professors' responses." In response to your specific questions: 1) In #1 you break the fourth wall a little by mentioning accounts. This if fine if you wish to break fourth walls (i believe I would check with a more seasoned NT publisher) but the rest of the work seems to not break the fourth wall, and thus my suggestion would be to be consistent with that. 2) In my opinion, if you are to go with multiple professors I would name each one, however, I think one professor is fine and works perfectly well. As far as name? Go right ahead, names add a lot to characters. Are you no longer doing this as professor lambert? 3. I mentioned some spelling at the top. I am not good with that though so just reread it again. I had a teacher once tell me reading backwards helps. Start at the bottom with the last word and read right to left. Hope that helps. 4.) Hopefully this link will help you out www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=364206&week=3105.) Yes there is always hope. I would submit no matter when because even if you miss the BVU issue, there will be an issue the week after, and the week after that. Write a good piece, and it will be published. 6) Article. With number 1, what if I specifically say "my BVU student account" or something like that? Could that work? Oh, and also, should I use BVU throughout, or should I use Brightvale University (BVU) the first time, and then BVU the rest of the time? As far as Brightville vs. Brightvale, I do indeed view NP in English. I've just been reading it as Brightville all this time. *blushes* |
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Post by Blu on Oct 19, 2014 22:40:16 GMT -5
brightville = brightvale. What language do you view neopets in? In the first paragraph, it might flow better if you state, "my fellow professors' and my responses" instead of "my and my fellow professors' responses." In response to your specific questions: 1) In #1 you break the fourth wall a little by mentioning accounts. This if fine if you wish to break fourth walls (i believe I would check with a more seasoned NT publisher) but the rest of the work seems to not break the fourth wall, and thus my suggestion would be to be consistent with that. 2) In my opinion, if you are to go with multiple professors I would name each one, however, I think one professor is fine and works perfectly well. As far as name? Go right ahead, names add a lot to characters. Are you no longer doing this as professor lambert? 3. I mentioned some spelling at the top. I am not good with that though so just reread it again. I had a teacher once tell me reading backwards helps. Start at the bottom with the last word and read right to left. Hope that helps. 4.) Hopefully this link will help you out www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=364206&week=3105.) Yes there is always hope. I would submit no matter when because even if you miss the BVU issue, there will be an issue the week after, and the week after that. Write a good piece, and it will be published. 6) Article. With number 1, what if I specifically say "my BVU student account" or something like that? Could that work? Oh, and also, should I use BVU throughout, or should I use Brightvale University (BVU) the first time, and then BVU the rest of the time? As far as Brightville vs. Brightvale, I do indeed view NP in English. I've just been reading it as Brightville all this time. *blushes* Alright, just wanted to make sure I wasn't misspelling Brightvale in whatever language you may have spoken =) In all honesty, I am not familiar with breaking fourth walls on Neopets. I tend not to do it so i would seek opinion from others on that, however, I think saying "my BVU student account" might help. Again, ask another person just in case. I think using BVU throughout is fine, but I would first recognize the acronym as Brightvale University first. You may write, "Brightvale University (BVU)" or something like that. It seems natural enough to me. When referring to my own university I use the abbreviations and what not. |
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Post by Bianca <3 on Oct 20, 2014 19:02:01 GMT -5
In regards to "breaking the fourth wall" in the sense of mentioning accounts and computers and such, I think that's not allowed. Although humans can be in neopets stories, you can't really mention them having a computer and such. BVU account might help, but you may want to change #1 all together since technology and account security are topics that are touchy.
The ones I think you need to be careful about are #7 which mentions Neocash (you can mention Neocash, but here you infer that it's the "moral decline of Neopia" which seems a bit... harsh), #4 which mentions Premium, and #1 with the mentioning of passwords and such.
As for other suggestions, maybe say "neomail" instead of "neo-messages."
I really did like some of the excuses and punishments (like the Meepit one for example). I would just watch out for the "game playing" aspect of neopets, since this is an in-Neopia character speaking. You also might want to give him a name, neopets species, and color. Hopefully this was helpful!
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Post by Allison on Oct 20, 2014 19:30:12 GMT -5
In regards to "breaking the fourth wall" in the sense of mentioning accounts and computers and such, I think that's not allowed. Although humans can be in neopets stories, you can't really mention them having a computer and such. BVU account might help, but you may want to change #1 all together since technology and account security are topics that are touchy. The ones I think you need to be careful about are #7 which mentions Neocash (you can mention Neocash, but here you infer that it's the "moral decline of Neopia" which seems a bit... harsh), #4 which mentions Premium, and #1 with the mentioning of passwords and such. As for other suggestions, maybe say "neomail" instead of "neo-messages." I really did like some of the excuses and punishments (like the Meepit one for example). I would just watch out for the "game playing" aspect of neopets, since this is an in-Neopia character speaking. You also might want to give him a name, neopets species, and color. Hopefully this was helpful! Darn it. I actually really liked number one. Maybe I could change it to something about neomail, then. Maybe it's a student apologizing for a neomail he meant to send to his mom, or something. THAT could be fun. (Can neopets have parents??) And yeah, the Neocash part it a bit harsh, I suppose. I meant it somewhat sarcastically, like this is a professor who loves "the good ol' days" and thinks everything is worse off now. The one about petpetpets should be easy enough to change too, but I'll have to come up with a new punishment. Also, what about formatting? Since there are three "parts" to each one, I was thinking they may need some visual separation. For example, having the excuse in italics, and the word "Punishment:" in bold. |
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Post by Bianca <3 on Oct 20, 2014 19:46:22 GMT -5
Neopets can definitely have parents! And I like that formatting idea; it will make it super clear to read.
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Post by Blu on Oct 20, 2014 19:59:20 GMT -5
In regards to "breaking the fourth wall" in the sense of mentioning accounts and computers and such, I think that's not allowed. Although humans can be in neopets stories, you can't really mention them having a computer and such. BVU account might help, but you may want to change #1 all together since technology and account security are topics that are touchy. The ones I think you need to be careful about are #7 which mentions Neocash (you can mention Neocash, but here you infer that it's the "moral decline of Neopia" which seems a bit... harsh), #4 which mentions Premium, and #1 with the mentioning of passwords and such. As for other suggestions, maybe say "neomail" instead of "neo-messages." I really did like some of the excuses and punishments (like the Meepit one for example). I would just watch out for the "game playing" aspect of neopets, since this is an in-Neopia character speaking. You also might want to give him a name, neopets species, and color. Hopefully this was helpful! Darn it. I actually really liked number one. Maybe I could change it to something about neomail, then. Maybe it's a student apologizing for a neomail he meant to send to his mom, or something. THAT could be fun. (Can neopets have parents??) And yeah, the Neocash part it a bit harsh, I suppose. I meant it somewhat sarcastically, like this is a professor who loves "the good ol' days" and thinks everything is worse off now. The one about petpetpets should be easy enough to change too, but I'll have to come up with a new punishment. Also, what about formatting? Since there are three "parts" to each one, I was thinking they may need some visual separation. For example, having the excuse in italics, and the word "Punishment:" in bold. I agree with the formatting idea but i would need to see everything in italics and bold. Sometimes adding to many font styles can be more disruptive. |
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Post by Allison on Oct 20, 2014 20:04:22 GMT -5
Okay! I have new ones for #7, #4, and #1. My main question now is weather the petpetpet one works, since it's technically the petpets that find petpetpets, not the neopet. 7. "I'm sorry I missed class the other day, but it was Friday. Surely you understand." Yes, I understand. I once had a guest speaker come in on a Friday to talk about the fall of Faerie Land and it's impact on the Neopian economy. I told him " Many students here think the weekend starts on Thursday. These are the good students who actually come on Friday." Punishment: Since you don't want to come to class on Friday, I will come to YOU on Friday. I'll find you in your university housing and wake you up at 5:00 AM so I can give you my fascinating lecture on how the introduction of NeoCash affected the value of Neopoints and other Neopian currency. Reward for the rest: I will bring in a cake to share with the class. I'll make sure to bring it in on a Friday.
4. "My petpetpet died." So let me get this straight. A parasite comes to live on your petpet, and not only are you happy about that, but you are so upset at its death that you have to mourn its loss? How do you know it died anyway? It's probably just gone missing in all that fur on your Noil. Also, do you really think I don't know that petpetpets can't die? Maybe it just feel off, or attached itself to one of your other petpets. Punishment: You much collect four petpetpets and attach them to the next four petpets you come across. Here is a magnifying glass and a tweezers.
1. "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry about that neomail I sent to you. That was supposed to be sent to my mom. Must have been a slip of the paw or something. I am SO embarrassed now. I'm not even sure I can set foot in your classroom again. Oh my gosh. You can see how much I'm blushing, and... I'd better just stop now, because I'm probably just making things worse." I must admit, I was wondering why you were giving me a running commentary about your Floppy Tongue symptoms. Asking for more NP was a bit over the top, and signing your neomail "Love, Shnuckums" was a bit unusual. But I figured out what happened pretty quickly. I have kids of my own, you know. Punishment: I think your embarrassment is punishment enough. Although, I'm sure the rest of the class would enjoy hearing me read the neomail to them. Don't worry. I'm only kidding. This will be our little secret. I promise. And just between you and me, I did the same thing to one of my professors back when I was a student at BVU. |
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Post by Blu on Oct 20, 2014 20:15:50 GMT -5
They sound better. There are some grammatical errors in 7 though.
Faerie Land is one word so Faerieland
there should be a comma after I told him
There may be a break in tense now with number one. It seems you were writing in past tense and now in present. I would double check with someone though.
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