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Post by ♥ Bre on Nov 3, 2011 5:04:47 GMT -5
Wow, your excerpt's really good, Robyn ^^ Ash sounds like a really great character and all of her emotions are really believable; I can't wait to see what else you have in store! =)
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Post by Robyn on Nov 4, 2011 1:35:55 GMT -5
aw thank you bre <3 lol it's kind of seeming like ash is having more motions than emotions right now which is totally what is supposed to be happening but all the same. -prods her- FEEL SOMETHING The acrid smell of rubbing alcohol made Ash's eyes water, and she kept her fist balled as the nurse circled the bend in her arm with cotton. Tubes and vials squeaked together. The lab was colder than Dr. Pendleton's office, and Ash shook, though she wasn't sure if it was more from the temperature or the thought of the impending draw.
"Try and relax, sweetie," came the nurse's tip from beside her. Ash focused on the green cabinets lining the tops of the walls, eyes jarring, and her chest rose more slowly as she tried to bring herself under control.
"Need me to come over there?"
"No, Mom."
The nurse prodded around in search of a vein, and Ash could feel her own heartbeat throb in her hand.
"Talk to me, babe," the woman said, "You're making me nervous, being so quiet."
Ash swallowed. "Hey."
"Having a good day?"
"Had better."
The nurse tapped with two fingers, blinked, and unsheathed her weapon.
"Alright, I'm having a little trouble finding a source, but we'll try our best. You ready?"
She shuddered out a sigh. "Sure."
"One, two, three."
The needle bit into her arm. Ash winced at the prick and tried to keep her breathing even as she felt latex-wrapped fingers sausage around the entry point. Her head felt hot. She thought she should do something, like maybe count or think of a song, but a sudden spike up her limb zapped all the moisture from her mouth. She huffed, surprised.
"You're rolling around on me," the nurse said, "Let me..."
Ice stoned itself in Ash's stomach as another bolt flared up her bone like a lightning rod. She could feel the sweat bead across her brow, her hair soaking against her lava skin.
"Oh, sorry, sorry! Just..."
Her voice was becoming more and more indistinct. Black spots lazed around the ceiling, and Ash felt her hands tingle when they began to cluster and buzz, sick locusts. Her lips were numb. They were moving, but she couldn't tell if words were escaping or what they would even be, what she would even be saying. The insects droned loud and descended. Then, she breathed deep.
Ash was blind. Something had happened. She wasn't asleep; she could feel herself blinking, but the motion did nothing to wipe away the all-encompassing blackness that stretched before her and clung to her eyes. It took her a moment to realize she was also moving, through no will of her own. There were voices. Distorted and long, they seemed to be pleading with her, and distantly she knew there were hands pushing against her body. It was moving by itself. She could feel her back arching in combat with what were probably the nurses.
"Help, we need some help in here!"
"Someone get her down, we need her down!"
There had to have been at least three of them. They were so far away. Ash's consciousness bobbed in the prison of her rebelling flesh like a silvery, ambivalent man-o-war. She must've been fighting hard, for there to be three. She wondered why she was trying to sit up, what the urgency was, and why she couldn't regain her authority over herself, though neither concern seemed especially pressing. It felt like they should've been, but the disconnection was too prevalent, a complete laceration between mind and matter.
There was a snap. Ash slumped down, limp atop the patient's chair in a trembling white heap. Color dotted at the edges of her sight. She could feel herself again, her mind sticking itself back into the proper pores and nerves, only to discover a tidally overwhelming sense of revulsion overtaking her. She trembled, wanting to vomit and cry and let go of every other facility and feeling like she'd already done all of the above. Her thighs and arms were drenched with sweat, and she felt the telltale stream of blood notch itself down her wrist.
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Post by Tam on Nov 4, 2011 8:48:06 GMT -5
Oh my gosh, Robyn. xD; Your writing is intense. And beautiful. But wow, the way you've packed so much sensory detail into every sentence really makes me feel like I'm actually there, and in this case it had me reading along with a kind of horrified panic at what was happening. It was so easy to feel everything Ash was feeling.
*shakes fist at hospitals and hospital procedures for being so inherently terrifying*
...Man was this good. <3 you got them mad skills, girl
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Post by Robyn on Nov 5, 2011 5:07:03 GMT -5
so i heard you guys liked intense sensory writing Cramped. She was cramped. The ceiling of the bonus room slanted right over her head, the proximity of the floor jutting her knees into her breasts and creaking her ankles and feet into forty-fives. Her arms were out to either side of her, and she could feel the stucco spackling crumble and bounce to hide amongst the carpet. Her back met the wall, too much of her back, more back than she ever remembered having. It was dark, but she could see. White spilled in from down the hall.
Ash pushed forth and stumbled into a square of ultramarine light, the moon listing blue on her shirt and her wings. They flapped, unsteady and huge, and she staggered in her newfound imbalance, reeling and tottering like a baby crane. Air whooped in their wake. At their crown, they fawned a silky owl brown, and the flight feathers glistened angelic and snowy. She felt the pinions brush against either wall of the room, and she had space now. She needed more.
Down the stairs, she gasped to breathe. The house clawed in around her, teasing her with the white that laid just at the foot of the incline. It was steep, and her heart jumped with every skipped step and painful curl of the toe. The alien appendages dragged behind Ash, sweeping up parallel against the walls, and she strained, throwing her body forward, kicking in the moments of antigravity. She was almost there. Shadows licked at her back like flames as she propelled herself out the door of the house she used to live in.
Wind chapped past her face. The cobblestone driveway wove into the Floridian suburb, and though the moon and stars hung heavy in the womb of the sky, the light seemed to irradiate from the ground up, the trunks of the palm trees glowing beryl like the soft moss hanging from the power lines. The fronds waved invisible in the ink above. Thick and armored, they thundered in the throes of the wind. Houses began to track past Ash as her wheedling walk sired into a run, her wings projected from her shoulder blades at seagull angles, pointed and bent. Her heels beat rapid atop the sidewalk. She could, now. She could, and with a measured gasp, she did.
Ash leapt. Air pocketed her wings, the night catching in them like kites, and she drew both feet off of the ground. The world dropped out from underneath her. Falling up and up, she could see the houses shrink into a neighborhood into a landscape into a city into a coastline. She banked and glided. The below was nothing more than a rolling cloth of black, spangled with electric spots of gold, red, and violet. Ash let her arms airplane, extended, as she raced past the immense supports of the ocean bridge. Cars keened by unaware. The twitch of two feathers sent her peeling away from the suspension, and she stared up at the sky, seeing nothing. It was just her and the air and the water now, black on white and brown on black. The sound of rushing began to grow, and Ash was suddenly very aware of how close the inky spray was getting, how fast it was reaching up from the planet to lunge at her. Rearing back, she struggled to flap against the onslaught of wind to no avail. In an Icarus mass of flesh and feathers, she plummeted into the blackness of the sea.
Ash surfaced nearly immediately, breaking the meniscus with hair slicked against her head and mouth gaped in a desperate vouch for oxygen. Somehow the wings weren't drowning her. She knew they should have been, waterlogged as they were, but her primal priorities overruled the notion as she scanned the yellow breaks for salvation. The docks were nearby. Lustrous poles, strands, and units bobbed atop the rich people's crafts in the marina. Ash grabbed onto a ladder, and the metal clacked against the fiberglass with her drenched weight.
Droplets flicked off of her feathers as she awkwardly flipped into the safety of a pontoon boat, slipping off a leathery bench and flopping onto the bristly, dry carpet. Ash let out a ragged breath and rolled onto her back. One wing draped itself across her slender frame. The other stretched out to the side, taking up the whole of the stern. She could feel the water bleeding its way down her neck and waist and legs, could smell the salt crusting along her upper lip, could taste the chill of the air between her teeth. She shivered, eyes saucered at the moon, so bright and round above everything. She was alive.
She was alive. this is exactly the kind of thing the malady will use to draw you in, you guys. this is exactly the kind of thing i've been warning you about. |
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Post by selmette on Nov 5, 2011 6:24:08 GMT -5
sjdkhksfdskf i know i've told you this like five million times over ever other means of digital communication known to man but god you are such a gifted writer.
your writing is so descriptive and captivating and the imagery is just absolutely gorgeous and your wording is perfect and your sentences are beautifully structured and each one is a work of art on all its own and a stunning transition into the next and it makes me uncomfortable in the most wonderful ways to lololol that's what eridan said hahahhaa oh god i'm sorry i forgot how to end this sentence hahahahahah.
the way you write is just completely hypnotizing and i feel like i'm getting sucked in against my will and you know what i like it and HAHAHAHHA AND THAT'S WHAT SOLLUX SAID
and i write abstract fantasy and psychological thriller robyn it is like impossible to creep me out.
BUT YOU DID.
WITH THE POWER OF YOUR WORDS
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Post by ♥ Bre on Nov 5, 2011 7:35:35 GMT -5
Robyn, your writing is amazing!  *fumes in jealous* XD You've done a really great job with your imagery. I'm astounded that you can write such beautiful stuff on a first draft. Some are luckier than others ... *sigh* Best of luck, keep it up (I know you will because everything I've read so far's been fantastic). <3 |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2011 16:19:16 GMT -5
Ahhh Robyn your writing is so, so, so, so pretty. Your imagery is gorgeous and you capture the weird, abstract nature of dreams so well and my eyes are just stars right now because *____*
I want you to like put this into a book so I can read all of it until I just glaze over.
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Post by Robyn on Nov 6, 2011 17:42:34 GMT -5
oh my god, everyone ;w; this support & praise is just ohso overwhelming and beautiful and and
-happycry- omggggg y u do this to meeeee i love all of you so muuuuuch
selm- <> omg what else can i even say to you right now, that's so touching and i'm glad i'm actually able to affect people with what i'm writing. especially with a first draft haha (oh god i have to edit later don't even remind me i don't even want to think about it)
bre- BRE. DARLING. your writing is fantastic and you should feel fantastic. different styles & voices =/= inferior styles or voices. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BLOSSOM AND SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART. but i am rather flattered you think so highly of what i've got o: -blushhidehug-
reve- owo i will make you a book with an awesome cover that looks like my banner, it'll be great
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Post by Rikku on Nov 7, 2011 23:00:00 GMT -5
... Oh wow why did I not read these excerpts before why did I not read these before when they are so beautiful and the descriptions are so new and perfect and everything is so sensory and this-is-real-and-you-are-here and everything is amazing why did I not read these.
<3
More. More more more post more please this is amazing you are amazing keep on with the amazing. Wow.
*vague dazed grin*
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Post by ♥ Bre on Nov 9, 2011 3:52:16 GMT -5
Meow, Robyn's so sweet. :3 *luffles* *feels fantastic* Hehe!
More excerpts? Please? ^_^
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Post by Robyn on Dec 2, 2011 13:06:19 GMT -5
lol so i got to about 7,000 words before everything went kaput XD
BUT FEAR NOT MY FRIENDS
i love this idea and am /not/ giving up on it, so consider it on hold
perhaps it would do as a jannowrimo X3
thank you everyone for your wonderful support; we all did fantastic this year!! huge congrats to the nano winners, but we all tried, and that's what counts.
-is probably just saying that cuz she lost- BUT IT'S TRUE 8D
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*fumes in jealous* XD You've done a really great job with your imagery. I'm astounded that you can write such beautiful stuff on a first draft.