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Post by Trilly (18426 words) on Nov 2, 2009 16:31:28 GMT -5
*Is eagerly waiting for excerpts*
But no pressure. ^^ The first few days of NaNo are crazy-busy as it is.
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Post by Rikku on Nov 3, 2009 1:00:26 GMT -5
Two short ones. =D And they ain't that good, but one needs to post excerpts to keep one's spirit up. This is a short bit from the prologue of sorts - bear in mind that Seren changes a bit after this, for reasons I haven't got around to explaining quite yet.
Seren was in freefall.
The planet arced away below her, a smooth hemisphere, shining with reflected sun’s light. It had a bluish look, and that wasn’t caused by this system’s sun. Oh, no.
If she turned her head she would see the stars.
Even without moving, she knew they were there, a sprinkling of blue-white sparks that populated the darkness, defining the ‘nite. They made it colder. More alone.
All alone, and she was falling. Falling, without a sound.
She wasn’t in space, but she was as close as you could get to it while still bound to the ground, and, at this height, there wasn’t enough air to resist you. Seren fell, in silent freefall, without a sound. Alone with the stars. Alone in the universe.
It was moments like these that she lived for, when her quiet, orderly self was stripped away and let the fierce joy of living burn through.
All alone.
Well, that couldn’t last.
As the air began to whip at her, Seren spun neatly in midair and, falling on her back, looked up at the others.
The fat blob of the transport ship hovered incongruously against the star-speckled night. And there – the small dot of a Pathfinder-in-training, leaping out of it, or, as was far more likely, being pushed. She remembered, with a touch of humour, what her first time planet-diving had been like. She’d screamed almost constantly.
Seren rolled back over and adopted the ideal freefalling position, arms and legs splayed out like some monstrously huge spider in a Pathfinder uniform, head tucked forward a little against the wind which was building up to a near-howl.
A few more moments of silence …
There was never time enough.
And this is a bit demonstrating how it ought to be fairly easy to reach 50k if you spend lots and lots of words on description and filler! =D It was grim, and dark, and as smoky as though someone had shoved a torch into the beams and let it smoulder.
Considering the kind of crowd there was tonight, that wasn’t entirely unlikely. But the inn (unless it was a tavern; it couldn’t quite seem to decide) could hardly be blamed for smoke; it was on Ochre, and Ochre was a planet of smoke, of rough terrain and jagged volcanoes scraping at the sky. As inhabitants often, fondly, said, If it isn’t smokey, it isn’t Ochrey.
It was particularly bad tonight, because so many of the men – many of whom wore hooded cloaks, for some reason, despite the heat – were puffing enigmatically at long, strangely curled pipes. As to their faces … well, if there was a competition for Most Beetling Eyebrows, the winner would surely come from here.
It was largish and spacish, with many fires simmering in fireplaces, and a few not, though these were more surreptitious and seemed to be hiding behind tables and the like. It wasn’t uncommon for the whole tavern (unless it was an inn) to catch flame, streaks of sulky fire scorching the ceiling. The rafters, low enough that the room had a cramped atmosphere which made it seem even smokier, were tiger-striped with soot for that precise reason. No one really minded. This was Ochre, after all. Shades of brown were all the rage.
There really were an awful number of mysterious men in brown cloaks, though. Probably they were adventurers. Though why adventurers would come to a place like this, a planet like this, was anyone’s guess. This was the dregs of society, beneath the underworld. There were a few respectable citizens scattered here and there, mostly looking uneasy, but, all in all, the kind of people who visited this place were those who were never hired as thugs because they were too darn thuggish.
The whole place was brown, in various shades – scorched brown rafters, greasy brown bartop, dark brown floor - dirt, with the original wood almost visible beneath it, and also, as a matter of interest, brown – and brown air, as though the brown-ness seeped into the atmosphere. The people were also dressed in sober brown, with browned, brawny faces, as though brown-ness was some kind of disease caught by drinking too much of the queasy beer, which was brown. If a watercolour painter somehow wandered his way in accidentally, he’d tear all his hair out and go away to live in the mountains and eat nothing but raw eggs until he died of salmonella.
This description is all meant to show the fact that, when the various (brown-wearing) thugs who were carousing around carefully didn’t sit next to one person, it wasn’t because that person was wearing a brown cloak, because everyone was wearing a brown cloak. No. No, it wasn’t that.
This person didn’t look particularly dangerous, either, though, admittedly, their hood was over their head and the cloak hid most of their body. Considering that what could be seen of their figure was slender and willowy, it followed that they were extremely slender and willowy, which automatically meant Kind to any educated folk. But no, it wasn’t that, either; most of the clientele here certainly weren’t educated, and thought of the Kind in the same way they thought of unicorns dancing over sparkly, cheerful rainbows.
Could it be that the mysterious cloaked stranger simply radiated a sense of danger, as though sitting next to them was taking too huge a risk?
Maybe. But the truth was that everyone gave the willowy stranger in brown a wide berth because they were all terribly afraid that they’d somehow be hooked into paying the stranger’s bar tab, which was the largest ever seen, and rapidly approaching quadruple figures.
If things had gone any more downhill for Seren lately, she’d be so steep she was horizontal.
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Post by Amneiger on Nov 3, 2009 1:16:16 GMT -5
xDD Your second excerpt is funny and awesome and requires no editing. =D When NaNo is over I shall have to ask for more.
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Post by Tam on Nov 3, 2009 1:23:24 GMT -5
Wow. That second one is brilliant. Which is funny, because I almost didn't read it because I thought I would just comment on how brilliant the first one was and come back to read the second one when I'm less tired. But now I can see that they're both brilliant, albeit for different reasons.
Random comment 1: The mood of your first excerpt really, really reminded me of Firefly. <3 Um, take it as a compliment, because it's supposed to be one. You really nailed that emotion of love, almost tender love, for space.
Random comment 2: I want a T-shirt with If it isn't smokey, it isn't Ochrey! on it.
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Post by Shadaras on Nov 3, 2009 2:56:23 GMT -5
I adore that prologue bit. <3 ...and the other excerpt is incredibly amusing. You will let me read all of this when it's done, right?
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Post by Kathleen on Nov 3, 2009 15:09:27 GMT -5
I love the first bit. You've got so much emotion in there. And the second bit is amazing, as well. Especially the last sentence. xD
I second Shade in the of-course-I-get-to-read-this-when-you're-done-right? =D
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Post by Trilly (18426 words) on Nov 3, 2009 22:17:05 GMT -5
I'd just like to express how amazingly developed your setting is in the second one. The imagery was incredible, I managed to get a bit from all five senses from that description.
Also, truthfully, I tend to skim over gigantic description scenes when I run into them in books, but this one was combined with little bits of humour all the way through so I COULDN'T. It was very enjoyable and very alien and I can't wait to see what else you come up with. ^^
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Post by Rikku on Nov 4, 2009 1:02:39 GMT -5
xDD Your second excerpt is funny and awesome and requires no editing. =D When NaNo is over I shall have to ask for more. I disagree, but thank you all the same. xD And of course I'll let y'all read it when I'm done! What's the point of writing if no one reads? And you can catch my spelling mistakes so I won't feel too bad for having my CreateSpace copy all rough and ready. Italicising and paragraphing for forum suitability is a small price to pay! Wow. That second one is brilliant. Which is funny, because I almost didn't read it because I thought I would just comment on how brilliant the first one was and come back to read the second one when I'm less tired. But now I can see that they're both brilliant, albeit for different reasons. Random comment 1: The mood of your first excerpt really, really reminded me of Firefly. <3 Um, take it as a compliment, because it's supposed to be one. You really nailed that emotion of love, almost tender love, for space. Random comment 2: I want a T-shirt with If it isn't smokey, it isn't Ochrey! on it. ^___^ *becomes so utterly inflated with delight and ego that she becomes lighter than air and bobs happily around the light fixtures* ... Firefly? Really? Huh. Neato! I suspect it's mostly Firefly that has me wanting to write a sci-fi story, so. Don't we all? I adore that prologue bit. <3 ...and the other excerpt is incredibly amusing. You will let me read all of this when it's done, right? I saw a documentary, a while ago. Can't rightly remember what it was about, but it had a man diving from near-space, and it said how the atmosphere was so thin that he was falling for minutes without a sound. I thought 'oh Seren would love that'. I love the first bit. You've got so much emotion in there. And the second bit is amazing, as well. Especially the last sentence. xD I second Shade in the of-course-I-get-to-read-this-when-you're-done-right? =D ^_^ Glad you like, Kathkittydear! I wish I could write it better - I get the feeling it's the kind of scene that would benefit from gorgeous, well-constructed, pseudo-poetic description, but there really isn't time in NaNo, which is a shame. I am fond of that last sentence. =D I'd just like to express how amazingly developed your setting is in the second one. The imagery was incredible, I managed to get a bit from all five senses from that description. Also, truthfully, I tend to skim over gigantic description scenes when I run into them in books, but this one was combined with little bits of humour all the way through so I COULDN'T. It was very enjoyable and very alien and I can't wait to see what else you come up with. ^^ ... Because it's filler, yes. But thanks. ^_^' That's an extremely nice thing to say. I can't wait either. =D I suspect the story'll get weird particularly if I run out of story halfway through again like last time. But I have like, half a dozen main characters doing lots of things. Just in case. Speaking of which ... Mule breaks my heart, he really does. “Ada,” he said. “My heart is dying, and there’s no way to cure it. Only a direct genetic match will do for this.”
Ada hesitated for half a beat, then said, recklessly, “Midas—”
“I will ask Midas for nothing!” snapped Mule. “Nothing! You hear me? Because he would give me nothing!”
“I’m not suggesting we ask him to cut out his heart for you,” said Ada sarcastically, “but with just a little bit of skin, just a sample of a healthy, genetically compatible heart … they can grow a new one, Mule! Science has—”
“I will accept nothing from my brother,” said Mule. “Least of all his heart.”
“Then you will break mine,” said Ada.
“Perhaps I no longer care.”
Ada looked at him, silently, too angry to show her hurt. Oh, he knew her so well, his muse, his darling wife … if only life seemed worth living, if only it wasn’t just the same routine over, and over, and over again, time without end. He was dying and he didn’t care.
“No,” said Ada, very softly. “No, I don’t think you’re quite so far gone as that.”
“Go have dinner,” said Mule, because it was what he was meant to say. “I’ll be there in a minute.” She left, and he turned his slow, unseeing gaze back to his table. His heart felt strange.
He stood there, alone, as night’s shadows deepened into blackness, and his fingers grew numb from being clenched into fists.
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Post by Rikku on Nov 4, 2009 2:38:58 GMT -5
My ten thousandth word is 'mediums'.
... If anyone wants to search for deep significance in that, you are more than welcome to try, because I got nothin'. xD
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Post by Rikku on Nov 6, 2009 22:37:47 GMT -5
I have discovered through intense scientific research that the only way to properly say the Prince of Thieves's name is to declare it in ringing tones while stroking an imaginary pointed little beard, grinning roguishly, and doing this weird thing with your eyebrows. So. Introducing the Prince of Thieves!
The man fell soundlessly, cloak billowing, and landed just as soundlessly, thanks to his rubber-soled boots and, in part, to the thickly expensive carpet. He straightened from his crouch, and stroked his pointed little beard thoughtfully. It was the kind of beard worn by rogues and, somewhat more often, goats.
The beard, like his (now somewhat ruffled) hair, strongly bold eyebrows and quick, clever eyes, was a shade of something or other so dark it was nearly black, too dark, in fact, to see quite what it would be otherwise. In fact, all of him looked quick and clever, not just his eyes. He was as slim and nimble as a ferret, as evidenced by the way that, after glancing around for traps or guards, he somersaulted over to the diamond on its pedestal, for no other reason than that he could.
“Aren’t you a pretty piece,” he murmured to the diamond, dark eyes dancing with glee. He reached out a hand for it, and then drew his hand back sharpish, scolding himself fiercely. It would be a fool thing to just snatch it from the pedestal. Just because the diamond looked like it was undefended didn’t mean that it was. In fact, it probably meant that whatever defenses it had were of the vicious, invisible, ‘spike pit opening up beneath your feet and sending you plummeting to your extremely messy death’ sort. The man had no wish to plummet to an extremely nasty death, or indeed to die in any way, shape, or form, not even heroically, so he examined the diamond, critically, from all angles.
From all angles it remained an innocent and extremely huge diamond.
The man rubbed at the coin on a chain round his neck, automatically, while he tried to decide whether or not to take the extremely huge diamond regardless of his ignorance of its possible defences.
The decision-making process was largely a sham, because it was no decision at all.
He reached out and, carefully, ever so carefully, slipped the diamond from its rest on the black velvet cushion, nudging it with his nimble fingers, a little to the side, a little more … with his other hand, he eased a pouch full of sand of what, he hoped, was about the same weight to the place where the diamond had been. The diamond cleared the cushion, the pouch nestled in its place, and no alarms sounded. It was, all in all, seamlessly and impressively done.
“Hah!” said the thief, loudly.
And then an alarm sounded, as loud and strident and hideous as a few dozen cats being tortured by a brass band that included five trombones and at least one tuba.
Oops.
The thief, with honed thiefy instincts, span towards one blank wall, just as a seamless door in the wall opened and disgorged half a dozen security guards.
Oops indeed.
To say that it was a tricky situation was like saying that space was kind of cold.
“Halt!” cried the first of the guards, emboldened by the fact that he had another five guards to back him up, all in neat, professional uniforms. They weren’t Guards, though, which, in turn, emboldened the thief.
“Halt yourself!” he said, in tones of such imperial command that the first guard looked a little wrong-footed.
“You’re the thief!” barked the guard.
“Oh yes?” The man held out his open hands, having slipped the huge diamond into the open front of his crimson tunic. It bulged quietly, and he hoped they wouldn’t notice. One had to think fast in these situations. “What did I steal, exactly? Other than your tongue, apparently,” he added with a ringing laugh, when the guard couldn’t reply.
Another guard, evidently more astute than his colleague, pointed out, “There’s an empty pedestal behind you.”
“Is there?” said the man, turning to look at the pedestal in wide-eyed surprise. “I assumed that was meant to showcase that extremely fine cushion!”
“You are plainly lying,” said the second guard. “Who are you, anyway?”
The man drew himself up to his full, unimpressive height, stroked his pointed beard and declared, in ringing tones, “I,” and here he stretched out his arms, cloak billowing, “am the Prince of Thieves!”
“So, definitely a thief, then,” said the second guard, looking impressively unimpressed.
Oops.
“It’s … a … hereditary title,” the Prince of Thieves hedged, then sighed and said, “You’re not going to believe this, are you.”
“Nope.”
“Certain?”
“Yes.”
“Absolutely, positively sure?”
“Yes,” said the guard, drawing his laser.
The Prince of Thieves shrugged. Sighed, resignedly. “All right, then.”
And he pulled a long whip from his belt where none of them had seen it, wrapped it around a ceiling beam (though why the ceiling beam was there was a mystery; it seemed the kind of ceiling beam left somewhere purely to be convenient for things like this, for people like the Prince) with an accomplished flick of his wrist, ran half a dozen steps and launched himself into the air, swinging far above their heads before he came down at a run, rolled, and dashed at full speed through the open door, whip already dislodged from the beam with another casual wrist-flick and tucked into his belt.
The silence that followed was one filled with the kind of silent, reluctant awe that this sort of manoeuvre fully deserved, not least because ‘manoeuvre’ is a hard word to spell.
The guard who had first conversed with the so-called Prince of Thieves broke the silence by cursing, loudly and extensively. Most of the gods got dragged into his cussing, and there was some stuff about goats and dubious parentage thrown in for good measure.
The second guard added mournfully, “And he even stole the cushion.”
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Post by Shadaras on Nov 6, 2009 22:43:03 GMT -5
I like him. xD
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Post by Amneiger on Nov 6, 2009 22:45:05 GMT -5
xDDD Awesome.
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Post by Trilly (18426 words) on Nov 6, 2009 23:30:49 GMT -5
Sweet. ^^
Hahaha. Cushion.
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Post by Rikku on Nov 9, 2009 1:52:55 GMT -5
Thank y'all. <3 He's ridiculously fun to write, is the Prince.
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Post by Tam on Nov 9, 2009 2:07:52 GMT -5
<3 I love your writing so much. And the fact that I had the Indiana Jones theme in my head the entire time I read that excerpt made it even better.
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