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Post by jockylocky on Sept 17, 2007 0:45:05 GMT -5
Aaak, no time to review! I flew into a Tree - By Playmobil: Amazing, amazing article. Such a great sequel too! ^_^ Funny, humorous, intelligent! Great article, awesome work! ;D We have too much in common, this is almost EXACTLY like the article i was waiting to send in...
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Post by kookybloo on Sept 17, 2007 15:53:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to recommend "Why The Meteor Really Leaves". It's not very professional at all, but the art is just darling! (Especially the Aisha and the stick in the first frame.)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2007 20:49:54 GMT -5
The Mystery Behind Neoschool: Parts One, Two, and Three by zuziafruziaThe beginning of Part One was rather weak for a story. It seemed more fitted to an article, actually, but the point is, it didn't work here. It was heavy writing and didn't give the reader anyone to hold on to, any apparent story to want to follow. In most stories, both are necessary for a good start. My biggest thing, though, is that the dialogue feels artificial because it doesn't always mesh with your "said" verbs and certainly not with your adverbs, so I'm often torn between two different feelings, one of the dialogue and one of the narrative telling me how it should sound. The key is to writing what your characters would honestly say, and then just have them "say" it, nothing more. If extra emotion is needed, show their actions, and if it's in their point of view, maybe add some interior monologue. Your frequent statements about why and how someone says something, even when it's obvious, also tends to weaken the dialogue and weigh down the story unnecessarily. Then, consider this line: reaching out my hand to open the doors, [I] entered Now, I ask you: How did she enter before she opened the door? It's not physically possible, unless maybe she's painted Ghost...but that's besides the point! Watch out for these awkward pairings, especially when as cluttered as this next example, from Part Two: Putting her various books, at this proximity what actually looked like sketchpads, aside on the table, she reached into a coin purse, withdrawing from it the allotted amount for the eraser. This Usul must have three hands, at least: She's putting aside her books, reaching into her purse, and withdrawing money from it all at the same time. Thankfully, though, a simple, unobtrusive "and" works most of the time. Consider theses revised versions: [I] reached out my hand to open the doors and entered
She put her various books, at this proximity what actually looked like sketchpads, aside on the table, reached into a coin purse, and withdrew from it the allotted amount for the eraser. By illustrating their actions in sequence, the reader can more quickly comprehend these actions while forgetting they're reading anything, which allows the reader their greatest experience whilst reading. But of course, mechanics are only half of good writing: The other half is a good story, and you certainly have one here. The idea is both intriguing and original, and following Blusia and her owner on this quest for Neoschool is has been quite satisfying. Mysteries aren't that common here, at least to my knowledge, but this one seems to be turning out rather nicely. I look forward to seeing where it goes to next.
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Post by Tashni on Sept 19, 2007 1:48:57 GMT -5
Shad and Saura: That Other City parts 3-5 by Hunty - I finally caught up! I'm really enjoying it now. All of these characters swirling around in a brew that's about to turn foul. *snicker* ANYWAY. All of the characters are working out really well--Nightsteed, Nabile and especially Jazan. I'm REALLY excited to see where you're taking this.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2007 23:49:03 GMT -5
The Partnership: Parts One, Two, and Three by pandabearb The first part read well and introduced an interesting story, though I felt it had some rather prominent weaknesses. Judge Hog's dialogue especially was an issue here: Mostly, it felt too formal, and this made it feel unnatural. Then, at times, it was too humorous, sarcastic, even too stern, and these breaks in his established voice only disrupted his dialogue even further. It's important to settle on someone's speech style and then stick with it; over time it can evolve, but this shift must come naturally and be consistent, too.
A lot of the dialogue in this first part was largely exposition, as well. Judge Hog said it himself, "this isn’t even a discussion." Good dialogue just doesn't toss information at the reader, it shows the exchange of information and ideas between characters. I've written briefings like this as well, so I understand how hard it is to make it less obvious what you're doing, but a large part is to present it with a good balance of back-and-forth motion. As well, in real life, people make assumptions, misinterpret things, interrupt, and in some instances, even lie. Working some of these elements into dialogue, even just minimally (perhaps best minimally), will enhance its intrigue and make it more enjoyable to read. Of course, it's also important to understand that fictional dialogue is not real dialogue, but it has to feel real for the sake of not feeling distant or fake.
What I found best about this part was the moment when Scout arrived. You worked in a bit of humor when she saw her photo, and her excitement was clearly portrayed. Kataok's outburst added a sudden bit of tension to the scene and it made me want to keep reading.
The first scene of the second part showed much improvement over the first: The dialogue between Kataok and Scout was more natural, even if Scout's is still a bit excessive. Her not bringing out the photo and his succinct reaction to it added greatly to their characterization. The compassion Kat later felt for Scout was a nice touch as well, even though I feel it was a bit much at the time. At this point, he's still denying that he can care for her and doesn't want to tarnish his image, so his attempts at being kind and sympathetic would be short and rather awkward, a bit unlike how they've actually been.
The third part definitely had some interesting developments, I feel. The letter's rather intriguing, and I don't know what sense to make of it just yet. That Firestone walked in on them is definitely a cliffhanger and I look forward to seeing where they end up next.
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Post by Lillie on Sept 20, 2007 6:49:46 GMT -5
The Partnership: Parts One, Two, and Three by pandabearbThe first part read well and introduced an interesting story, though I felt it had some rather prominent weaknesses. Judge Hog's dialogue especially was an issue here: Mostly, it felt too formal, and this made it feel unnatural. Then, at times, it was too humorous, sarcastic, even too stern, and these breaks in his established voice only disrupted his dialogue even further. It's important to settle on someone's speech style and then stick with it; over time it can evolve, but this shift must come naturally and be consistent, too. A lot of the dialogue in this first part was largely exposition, as well. Judge Hog said it himself, "this isn’t even a discussion." Good dialogue just doesn't toss information at the reader, it shows the exchange of information and ideas between characters. I've written briefings like this as well, so I understand how hard it is to make it less obvious what you're doing, but a large part is to present it with a good balance of back-and-forth motion. As well, in real life, people make assumptions, misinterpret things, interrupt, and in some instances, even lie. Working some of these elements into dialogue, even just minimally (perhaps best minimally), will enhance its intrigue and make it more enjoyable to read. Of course, it's also important to understand that fictional dialogue is not real dialogue, but it has to feel real for the sake of not feeling distant or fake. What I found best about this part was the moment when Scout arrived. You worked in a bit of humor when she saw her photo, and her excitement was clearly portrayed. Kataok's outburst added a sudden bit of tension to the scene and it made me want to keep reading. The first scene of the second part showed much improvement over the first: The dialogue between Kataok and Scout was more natural, even if Scout's is still a bit excessive. Her not bringing out the photo and his succinct reaction to it added greatly to their characterization. The compassion Kat later felt for Scout was a nice touch as well, even though I feel it was a bit much at the time. At this point, he's still denying that he can care for her and doesn't want to tarnish his image, so his attempts at being kind and sympathetic would be short and rather awkward, a bit unlike how they've actually been. The third part definitely had some interesting developments, I feel. The letter's rather intriguing, and I don't know what sense to make of it just yet. That Firestone walked in on them is definitely a cliffhanger and I look forward to seeing where they end up next. Thank you so much for the review, Wolf! I'll try to work on making natural dialogue.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2007 17:31:26 GMT -5
I'm a little nervous to ask this, but is anyone willing to review my story? It was in this issue, and it was called "Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan." I'm halfway through another story, but I've reached a sticking point, so maybe some tips on that story will assist in my new one. ^^
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2007 19:10:00 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2007 22:26:53 GMT -5
I, Sloth, King of Meridell...: Parts One and Two by chocolateisamust and sytra The opening of the first part was a bit confusing (the part that got to me was the line beginning "Before Sloth's last defeat"; it just took too long to get to the subject so it made no sense until I read it a couple times). Otherwise, the writing is good with no clear weakness. Sometimes the description felt a bit much, or the dialogue too false, but nothing beyond the extent of any usual piece of writing. The only thing that really got to me was how, on occasion, the narrator had to say he was interrupted in mid-thought or that one speaker was cut off mid-sentence when both times it was obvious what had happened. At times, I also felt Fluffy's interior monologuing went on too long, but interior monologue can be such an exact science that it's hard to keep it there but keep it under control, but, yes, he could've been a little less talkative, I guess.
The story itself is quite nice and interesting. Sloth's perkiness and King Skarl's colloquialism were a bit surprising since I wouldn't naturally imagine them acting such, but they kept consistent, so none of it detracted from the writing at all. The idea of Sloth being disguised is one I've seen plenty of times elsewhere, even if not with Sloth himself (Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events especially, and they never seem to work out there), so I'm quite intrigued to see how well it works out. That Fluffy was going to be his son wasn't as much a surprise as I feel it was intended to be.
The humor in part two was a bit more apparent, though I'm still a bit undecided if this is meant to be funny or not. On the one hand, it's rather serious, yet on the other, parts of it could be taken humourously. Nothing has truly tickled my funny bone yet, though I admit, I have had a few chuckles. The tone of Sloth actually reminds me a lot of Count Olaf from Lemony Snicket's aforementioned series, which is perhaps why I've found some of his mannerisms funny to begin with. Humour s such a hard thing to define, though, so I cannot be wholly certain.
Anyways, I'm enjoying this series and hope I may continue it soon.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2007 22:10:58 GMT -5
Pointless Nonsense - Times Writers by PFA We 'Times writers really don't sound like that, do we...? What I mean to say, though, is that the comic was great. The joke was shilarious, as was the turnaround at the end ("My idols are the Defenders"). It was cool to see actual 'Times writers, too, but, I must say, the quality of the 'Times has gone down. Seriously, "blah blah blah"?! ^_^
Kau Coral by Kami and Michelle When I opened this comic, the art instantly jumped out at me, in a good way, mind you. The background was bright, but had a pleasant pattern. The panels were nicely positioned. And the drawings themselves were wonderfully done. I wasn't quite sure what was happening in the middle panels when the Jubjub walked away, but the end certainly made that part clear. The joke, then, was just amazing. Great job.
Random Neothought by dptdtkf CHERYL FLASH? Did, eh, Chet die or something...? My one real critique against this comic is that, in the first panel, I thought the Zafara was talking back to the teller, not to her Neopet. Other than that, though, the comic was good. I can't say I found the joke incredibly funny, but it was certainly random and got me to laugh. :)
Altadorian Cobb Salad by tissuewaster It just so happened that, as I read this comic, the music I had playing grew more and more and more depressing... Needless to say, coupled with the wonderful expressions portrayed, this comic was doubly effective at saddening my day! ^_^ The end, it was just so..."aww...how pitiful."
Normal is Overrated by tamarainian_girl I'm not quite sure why it matters so much to have a jellybean, but the gradual change of expressions through desire, pursuit, and let-down were incredibly well-executed and enjoyable to read. Great job.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2007 22:32:40 GMT -5
"I Flew into a Tree" -- and More Wacky Excuses by playmobil_is_my_life This article really didn't have a lot of substance I think. This can often happen in lists of this sort, though, as unless you go on and on about each item, it just sometimes feels too little (but going on and on can make it feel too much, so...). It was certainly enjoyable and creative, though, and I did enjoy it.
I felt rather compelled to go back and read "I Fell of Faerieland," actually, so I took a couple minutes to do so. Something about that article felt somehow more complete, and somehow made this new one feel more complete as well. I believe it was that you introduced the excuses with a forward on presentation, which seemed to give these ridiculous thoughts a bit more credibility, one could say.
But either way, I enjoyed both articles.
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Post by Tashni on Sept 30, 2007 0:44:18 GMT -5
@ Wolf - Wolf, if you have the time, would you look over "Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow" for me? Thanks, if you can. I'm a little nervous to ask this, but is anyone willing to review my story? It was in this issue, and it was called "Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan." I'm halfway through another story, but I've reached a sticking point, so maybe some tips on that story will assist in my new one. ^^ Not a problem! Sorry I overlooked this post for the last few days. I'll go read it now. Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan by twocent - This is an exceptional first NT publication. You had a hook in the opening paragraph, which is rare in first entries. Your character was FUNNY, the whole story was really funny. You had jut the right amount of description, and maintained a good pace through out. Very nice work! One piece of constructive criticism I will give is this: remember to make sure what happens makes sense. Take this bit for instance: Are Chia Pops really going to melt on Terror Mountain? I sort of doubt it. But if that's ALL I can find to make a comment on, you've done an excellent job. I really look forward to reading your work again! Oh, would you mind responding to this post if you read it? I want to make sure you get it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2007 19:26:14 GMT -5
It Rained by reggieman721I once wrote the words, "If I am to be your wings, who shall be mine?" and I think this story and that quote fit perfectly. This story was beautiful, conjured lovely scenes and great emotions. This could easily have been told through Andra's eyes, all she had to go through, her trials, her own life in question. But instead, it was told through Drew's eyes, through the eyes of an innocent bystander forced to feel the pain of another. And it's sad, how much it actually happens in life. You made this feel real; it was a great story. You told a lot through the narrative, but it wasn't such a bad thing; here, it fit in with the scenes you made, gave this piece a literary feel to it. Sometimes, you used too many substitutes for "said" when it wasn't needed. Your use of italics felt heavy, and your use of asterisks towards the end to break up single lines drew my mind away from the story and onto all these floating stars mixed in with it. All these things, they were small things, probably not very noticeable to someone who hasn't conditioned themsleves into seeing them, but it's these things that are often the most important to good writing. “Hey.” Drew looked up from the paper. Andra had taken a seat next to him on the bench and was smiling.
“Hey.” The white Xweetok’s eyes were lined and seemed tired, but Andra looked happy to see him and that made Drew happy too. “Nice day, isn’t it?” I point out these lines specifically as here is something that isn't as small as the rest. Reading objectively (that is, not knowing the intent of the author, just being able to see the words), it appears as if Drew is the first to speak, but in reality, it's the other way around. When dialogue is followed by narrative showing what a character is doing, that dialogue is attributed to that character. More times than not, this can be easily fixed by simple paragraphing and adding a "he said/she said" to the mix if needed. Here's one way it could've been put to make it less ambiguous: “Hey.”
Drew looked up from the paper. Andra had taken a seat next to him on the bench and was smiling. Her eyes were lined and seemed tired, but she looked happy to see him, and that made him happy too.
"Hey," he said. “Nice day, isn’t it?” As I'm sure you noticed, I've used more pronouns than you did. Pronouns can be really helpful in stories. They take up little space and are often easily followed by the reader. Plus, they keep repetitiveness down since most people take little notice of them anyways. Granted, in larger groups they can easily become confusing and a hindrance, but between one or two people, they usually help considerably. Unless, of course, the two are he and he, at which point that's another lesson altogether. (That last paragraph alone has eleven pronouns, but I bet you didn't notice them all, did you?) As I said before, though, this was a great story and I really felt the story you had to tell.
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Post by Craig on Oct 2, 2007 19:58:41 GMT -5
It Rained by reggieman721I once wrote the words, "If I am to be your wings, who shall be mine?" and I think this story and that quote fit perfectly. This story was beautiful, conjured lovely scenes and great emotions. This could easily have been told through Andra's eyes, all she had to go through, her trials, her own life in question. But instead, it was told through Drew's eyes, through the eyes of an innocent bystander forced to feel the pain of another. And it's sad, how much it actually happens in life. You made this feel real; it was a great story. You told a lot through the narrative, but it wasn't such a bad thing; here, it fit in with the scenes you made, gave this piece a literary feel to it. Sometimes, you used too many substitutes for "said" when it wasn't needed. Your use of italics felt heavy, and your use of asterisks towards the end to break up single lines drew my mind away from the story and onto all these floating stars mixed in with it. All these things, they were small things, probably not very noticeable to someone who hasn't conditioned themsleves into seeing them, but it's these things that are often the most important to good writing. “Hey.” Drew looked up from the paper. Andra had taken a seat next to him on the bench and was smiling.
“Hey.” The white Xweetok’s eyes were lined and seemed tired, but Andra looked happy to see him and that made Drew happy too. “Nice day, isn’t it?” I point out these lines specifically as here is something that isn't as small as the rest. Reading objectively (that is, not knowing the intent of the author, just being able to see the words), it appears as if Drew is the first to speak, but in reality, it's the other way around. When dialogue is followed by narrative showing what a character is doing, that dialogue is attributed to that character. More times than not, this can be easily fixed by simple paragraphing and adding a "he said/she said" to the mix if needed. Here's one way it could've been put to make it less ambiguous: “Hey.”
Drew looked up from the paper. Andra had taken a seat next to him on the bench and was smiling. Her eyes were lined and seemed tired, but she looked happy to see him, and that made him happy too.
"Hey," he said. “Nice day, isn’t it?” As I'm sure you noticed, I've used more pronouns than you did. Pronouns can be really helpful in stories. They take up little space and are often easily followed by the reader. Plus, they keep repetitiveness down since most people take little notice of them anyways. Granted, in larger groups they can easily become confusing and a hindrance, but between one or two people, they usually help considerably. Unless, of course, the two are he and he, at which point that's another lesson altogether. (That last paragraph alone has eleven pronouns, but I bet you didn't notice them all, did you?) As I said before, though, this was a great story and I really felt the story you had to tell. Wow... thank you so much! I really appreciate the praise and the advice. Looking back on the story, I can definitely see the confusion with pronouns as well as the business of some of the formatting. It's something I'll certainly take to heart for my future stories, and I'm really thankful that you took the time to review this one. You're awesome!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2007 20:35:49 GMT -5
@ Wolf - Wolf, if you have the time, would you look over "Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow" for me? Thanks, if you can. Time? What is this "time" you speak of? I have nothing of the sort, and since I'm rather poorly-skilled in chronogenesis, it's not an easy resource to come by. But I'm a bibliophile, addicted to words and proud of it. So...I'll always get to reviewing. ^_^ Always. Even if I am perpetually three and a half issue behind. * * * Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow by tashniI've seen more great writers fall for this than I've seen great writers, period. -_- Unattributed dialogue sounds like a great idea, and in certain situations it can be, but the beginning is never a good place for it. Unattributed dialogue is dialogue whose speaker is unknown. Saying something short (no more than a simple sentence usually) in the first paragraph and then following up with the speaker (or the listener, depending) in the second paragraph is quite possibly the only way unattributed dialogue can work in a beginning. Otherwise, it's like watching a movie with your eyes closed: You can hear everything but see nothing. But unfortunately, it's worse than watching a movie with your eyes closed because, when you're reading, you can't hear that speaker number one's a woman, that speaker number two's not, and when that third line of dialogue rolls around, you can't say, "Oh, a new voice," simply because there's not enough characterization in one or two lines of dialogue to allow a reader to recognize a speaker by speech alone. I loved my unattributed opening, and I mean I really loved it—it was quite possibly the best opening I'd ever written—but only because I knew who, and how, these words were being said. For a reader, the opening was weak, hard to understand, and had no emotion, no feeling, no substance to hold on to. Anyways, despite the opening, the story was really good. I liked it. The presentation of having a character tell a story, though, often made me feel distanced from the actual story: The scene before me was two pets talking, not of the pirate trying to get his load to Meridell on time. Sure, I could envision the latter from Barlow's words, but it was secondhand, vicarious. And I kept getting reminded of the fact that he was telling the story, not experiencing it, and that deepened the distance between my experiencing his story through his eyes as opposed to simply being another listener like D.A. What kept drawing my mind back to the writing was his pirate talk. It didn't take much for me to get used to it, but by that time, it had already dealt its damage. I tend to try to avoid shaping dialogue like that, because it does often distance the reader. Certainly, acquainting yourself with it lessens that distance, but you can't count on having your readers be so used to it when they begin reading. Sure, books like Harry Potter pull it off flawlessly with characters like Hagrid and Fleur, but those are two characters out of how many? The key is moderation, and an entire story in pirate talk was simply too much for me, I guess. Nothing can change the fact that I liked this story and that it was well-written and enjoyable to read. But I just couldn't form that connection with it that goes beyond a simple reader-words relationship.
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