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Post by troublems03 on May 21, 2007 1:40:13 GMT -5
Unravelling the Mysteries of the Unlabelled Tin Can by squire_genevieveLovely opening passage. ^_^ I love the breaking of the fourth wall in journalistic prose. :) You also made reference to orgami. In the past few issues, this is the second reference to origami I've seen. Now, in all my time reading the NT (...which isn't really that long, but, eh, I'm observant), I've noticed that the NT holds a lot of power in Neopia and publishes stories and articles that could, to some extent, be fitting of the term "yellow journalism." So, I ask you, what's up with origami? Wonderful line. How true it is. Um, yes, of course. *backs away slowly* Then, a cliffhanger. -_- No answers to the origins of jelly. No report on Neopia's Sewers. *sigh* I really enjoyed reading this article. It was incredibly entertaining to read, and I at times found it hard to follow along because I was laughing so hard. But the comedy wasn't merely a crutch for the story; the writing was awesomely-done and it supported the comedy wholly. I was once told that things are funny to readers because they're serious to the characters, and this article illustrated that perfectly. Great writing. Great article. Great job. And...lastly...congrats on being mentioned on the news page! ^_^ Thanks so much for the review Wolf! As answer for your question about origami references you were right there is a little "yellow journalism" going on here. Check this out for more information: www.neopets.com/~Starleii. I do believe this started right here at the NTWF! -- And wow - I didn't even realise my article was mentioned on the news page until you told me - so thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed the article and maybe one day I'll write more about the Unlabelled Tin Can and stop leaving everyone hanging...if I can get my act together. -- I have every intention of doing reviews - but most likely it will not be until Thursday as I have unbelievable amounts of school work at the moment. Any more reviews for my article "Unravelling the Mysteries of the Unlabelled Tin Can" would be greatly appreciated. x)
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Post by Serene on May 21, 2007 16:50:02 GMT -5
War Letters: Darigani by nimras23[/b]
Just got around to reading the whole thing. I had read the first few letters the day it came out. It was nicely put together, no gaps left unfilled. I am uncertain if I am a big fan of the letter style writing, but you did manage to get a lot of information in one short story this way. If you had tried to write it in a third person story, it would have ended up being a series, so bravo on getting a good short story in the times.
Personally I am not the bigges Kass Fan, but I am a Kass Fan nonetheless. Darigan is actually plotting the takeover of Meridell as we speak...
Ah, anyway. I liked your story even if it made Kass seem weak. Keep up the awesome writing though.
Good Job!
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Post by Kat on May 22, 2007 6:07:53 GMT -5
C.H.A.O.S. story by precious_katuch14, art by ssjelitegirlVery nice. Loved the artwork. The background was really nice, because it was descriptive, but didn't take your attention when you read through. I also liked the use of the eyebrows on the Kacheek. It gives some sort of emotion to him. As for the story: I liked it. The first panel reminded me of a joke I hear once. I liked how the main joke wasn't anything to do with how expensive mootix's are. Good job, both of you. [shadow=purple,left,300]Thanks for the review! ^_^ I think the original joke (at least, the one that inspired this comic) went something like this... Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: The backstroke, sir.[/shadow] C.H.A.O.S. story by precious_katuch14, art by ssjelitegirlI laughed at the "Eh...drowning?" line, and then I laughed even more at the end. But, come on, a Mootix in my soup? I wouldn't just throw it away like that—I'd get the avatar, or sell it. ^_^ Still, the art was good and the joke was funny, so that's a great comic in my book. ^_^ [shadow=purple,left,300]Thanks for the review, Wolf! And yeah, I'd rather hoard the Mootix, the greedy girl that I am. XDDDD[/shadow] C.H.A.O.S. Great job on the art- the Aishas' expressions were good. Although I'd noticed that the Acara was missing his (her?) right iris- was that intentional? I love the matter-of-fact way the waitress simply says "Eh... drowning?". Blunt, obvious statements are perfect for situations liket that. ;D The punch line was great, too. [shadow=purple,left,300]Thanks for the review! Hmm...I never noticed. ^^; Yes, blunt, obvious statements. ^_^ I think that was Huntress' idea. Anyhow, thanks for all the reviews on our comic collab - more would be appreciated.[/shadow]
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2007 11:23:00 GMT -5
I am going to do some random short story reviews by new authors. I dunno if these users are NTWFers or not, but that's okay. [glow=red,2,300]Rebel Grundo[/glow] by: puppypaws727 Interesting beginning. I especially enjoyed the first paragraph of "he knew, he knew," etc. It helps build to the suspense of where the shadow is going. The part following that with Syra was a good, clean transition but I was a teensy bit confused with Thyl and Tukil; I almost thought they were the same character but I understood after a quick reread. I like the idea of hidden gadgets like the lip gloss laser. The ending seemed to wrap up kind of quick with the escape and being taken to the Pound, but all in all I guess it didn't have to drag out or anything. I would have maybe liked to have found out who betrayed Syra, especially if it was someone close to her, but perhaps that was the author's plan to make it more mysterious. Congratulations on your publication. I enjoyed the story! [glow=green,2,300]In An Eggshell[/glow] by: dark_slammer The third paragraph, I found to be very descriptive and somewhat comical. I wasn't sure from the beginning if this was going to be comedic or serious, but it seems to be a bit of both! I think the fourth paragraph could have been possibly cut into two smaller paragraph to make it a bit easier on the eyes, but this isn't a formatting review. I like the way you portrayed Boochi's character through his dialogue. It's kind of a funny concept that Gazer turned into an egg by Boochi rather than a regular baby Neopet. I enjoyed how you had to kind of write around that, such as by using sounds and implying that Gazer has to kind of guess what's going on around him. Cute ending as well! Hey, if not a baby, then a Faerie. [glow=blue,2,300]Petpet Protection[/glow] by: mystery_407 The first few paragraphs are very easy to picture and flow very nicely together with the Neopets being introduced and the situation. This is a pretty interesting story, and I like how it based on one specific thing (in this case, the PPL). In fact, I'm not sure I've ever read a story about the PPL and how they do their jobs, so points for originality. This is a very enjoyable story that mixes drama, comedy, and competition. I especially like the brief parts at the end where it switches to 104 and 105 then to Fire. Good job for your first publication!
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Post by Kals Spirit Avatar on May 22, 2007 13:02:40 GMT -5
In today's Editorial they covered the controversy about what words you can and can't say in the Neopian Times. My question is, why didn't anyone know about this until recently? I don't know... Maybe because it showed up in a comic and people pay more attention to those than to stories? . Awwwwwww, no fair. I hope people are stil reading stories and articles... But you say the liberties of the Times are used more in stories? I would assume as much, because stories can run pretty deep, and such things might be needed.
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Post by Tashni on May 23, 2007 19:09:34 GMT -5
review of all of "The Portrait" up 'til now
The Portrait: Part 1 - First off, OMG! My mind is blown with the prevalence of death in this series. Just wow. Seriously. And it's done really well. There's this great shock factopr that you created in the first part, which is a great way to keep your audience reading and coming back for part 2.
One little note: Your dashes aren't done correctly. I do know that the upload form messes with em dashes, so I'll just explain how they should be done and how your can protect your formatting during the upload process. First: A dash (--) is not a hyphen (-). Also, despite popular belief, there should be no space before or after the dash. However, even if you type it correctlt, the NT upload form messes with dashes. To get them to look right in the NT, you can use the handy "replace" feature in word, found under "edit." Replace all dashes with the "—". (No quotation marks.) This is a code that a webpage will display as an em dash. Handy, huh?
Have you read "A Rose for Emily"? It's a short story that you're reminding me of. It's leading me to wonder if there's a twist ending in store.
You use a lot of descriptions in this. I won't argue whether or not you should use this much, as this seems to be a stylistic choice on your part. But I will give you a few tips on how to improve your descriptions. In any story, and particularly in descriptions, you should try to avoid the words "was" and "were". Reconstructing your sentences so that they do not contain "was" improves flow and sentence quality. I'll use this bit for instance. Also try eliminating all unnecassary words. To figure which words you don't need, ask yourself, "will this word substantially improve or chance the way my reader imagines the scene?
Try it this way: The full moon shed opalescent light upon the fields below, bathing the houses of slumbering townsfolk as well as the manor on the hill.
That was a drastic change, but you see how you can play around with the effect you want to give.
Okay, I'm going to say this: don't take a paragraph to describne every single character you introduce. Honestly, the reader doesn't care. They want to use their imagination a little bit! One or two sentences at most will cover it. If there are certain details you MUST include, SHOW as you go, don't stop the action to itemize everyhing.
Okay, here's a GREAT example of how to use description to create tension:
Instead of just telling me he's scared, you SHOWED me what made him afraid, you SHOWED me what he was imagining. Great job!
EXCELLENT ENDING! I must read more! This is really going to be a great series. I can tell. ;P
Part 2 About the whole "was" thing again, sometimes if you take a moment to think about it, you can fid a more descriptive term to replace it.
The old wooden house stood hollow and completely abandoned.
Anyway, another really good chapter. The auction and Mrs. Penderghat had me totally wrapped up in the story. The ending of this chapter was rather strange, and although the story could very easily have said "The End" right here, I am far too curious to stop reading. ^_^
THE NEXT CHAPTERS UP UNTIL NOW: Ooh, CREEPY!! Really good. Thing is, I don't like reading about ghost-type stuff, so I may not be reading the next chapters.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2007 20:06:27 GMT -5
The Portrait: Part Four by really_awesome_d00dThat first scene was just perfectly written. The ease with which you set it up, showing Mrs. Prenderghast dress herself and then stride through the hall, and the simple demand of "Where is it today?" without even directly mentioning the portrait by name was simply amazingly well-done. Her short rant after that seemed long-winded and almost out of her character, though it served to strengthen her point nicely enough. Kiyabastis. Had she not been described as a Zafara, I would have assumed that she was the same being that had grabbed Mrs. Prenderghast's shoulder before the auction in Part Two. However, that robed figure—despite having a sandy appearance and bangles almost identical to those of the mystic's—had been described as a Kyrii. However, I must believe that the two are somehow related, even if the true manner in which this is so...is still somewhat unclear. The scenes following Kiyabastis' arrival were flawlessly written. Very intense, as you had mentioned, and they kept me glued to my seat, pressed against the chair back, my eyes wide and eagerly reading every word one at a time so as to not see even two words ahead of me. The suspense was beautiful and gripping. However, the horror was tolerable. I could feel my pulse higher than usual, and I could hear the thunder and the rain, the howling and the laughter, and I could even see the violet lightning and the shadows creeping in around me, but the fear was still tolerable. I suppose, though, I also have a high threshold for this sort of thing. Then again, I suppose, the only thing that has ever elicited from me a response any greater than this was Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, perhaps even the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. Such skill, then, is still amazing. Even though the portrait has been...for lack of a better term... exorcised, I have no doubt in my mind that it will return again. And when it does, well, let's just say I'll be happy to still have it hanging around, literally and figuratively speaking, of course. Thank you for the review, Wolf. I'm glad you enjoyed this part especially; this is where it all really kicks in. I tried to make the scene as scary as possible without going into the realm of being disturbing; the last few times I've tried to make something *really* scary all it got me was a rejection neomail, so I tried to keep it reasonable this time. review of all of "The Portrait" up 'til nowThe Portrait: Part 1 - First off, OMG! My mind is blown with the prevalence of death in this series. Just wow. Seriously. And it's done really well. There's this great shock factopr that you created in the first part, which is a great way to keep your audience reading and coming back for part 2. One little note: Your dashes aren't done correctly. I do know that the upload form messes with em dashes, so I'll just explain how they should be done and how your can protect your formatting during the upload process. First: A dash (--) is not a hyphen (-). Also, despite popular belief, there should be no space before or after the dash. However, even if you type it correctlt, the NT upload form messes with dashes. To get them to look right in the NT, you can use the handy "replace" feature in word, found under "edit." Replace all dashes with the "—". (No quotation marks.) This is a code that a webpage will display as an em dash. Handy, huh? Have you read "A Rose for Emily"? It's a short story that you're reminding me of. It's leading me to wonder if there's a twist ending in store. You use a lot of descriptions in this. I won't argue whether or not you should use this much, as this seems to be a stylistic choice on your part. But I will give you a few tips on how to improve your descriptions. In any story, and particularly in descriptions, you should try to avoid the words "was" and "were". Reconstructing your sentences so that they do not contain "was" improves flow and sentence quality. I'll use this bit for instance. Also try eliminating all unnecassary words. To figure which words you don't need, ask yourself, "will this word substantially improve or chance the way my reader imagines the scene? Try it this way: The full moon shed opalescent light upon the fields below, bathing the houses of slumbering townsfolk as well as the manor on the hill. That was a drastic change, but you see how you can play around with the effect you want to give. Okay, I'm going to say this: don't take a paragraph to describne every single character you introduce. Honestly, the reader doesn't care. They want to use their imagination a little bit! One or two sentences at most will cover it. If there are certain details you MUST include, SHOW as you go, don't stop the action to itemize everyhing. Okay, here's a GREAT example of how to use description to create tension: Instead of just telling me he's scared, you SHOWED me what made him afraid, you SHOWED me what he was imagining. Great job! EXCELLENT ENDING! I must read more! This is really going to be a great series. I can tell. ;P Part 2About the whole "was" thing again, sometimes if you take a moment to think about it, you can fid a more descriptive term to replace it. The old wooden house stood hollow and completely abandoned. Anyway, another really good chapter. The auction and Mrs. Penderghat had me totally wrapped up in the story. The ending of this chapter was rather strange, and although the story could very easily have said "The End" right here, I am far too curious to stop reading. ^_^ THE NEXT CHAPTERS UP UNTIL NOW: Ooh, CREEPY!! Really good. Thing is, I don't like reading about ghost-type stuff, so I may not be reading the next chapters. Woah, thanks for that, Tashni. I'm glad you like it, and thank you SO MUCH for the criticisms. I'm having trouble striking a balance between description and action and I'm glad you pointed that out. *shrug* I dunno, I guess I like describing things a lot? Anyways I had absolutely no idea that TNT replaced the dashes with hyphens; thanks for pointing that out as well. That was an incredibly in-depth review and I'm so glad you did it. I'll keep those things in mind--especially about the "was/were" in descriptions--when I'm writing my next pieces for the NT. And just FYI, there really aren't many more ghost-related things for the rest of the series, and the ones that are there really aren't that scary.
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Post by Tashni on May 23, 2007 21:05:24 GMT -5
Woah, thanks for that, Tashni. I'm glad you like it, and thank you SO MUCH for the criticisms. I'm having trouble striking a balance between description and action and I'm glad you pointed that out. *shrug* I dunno, I guess I like describing things a lot? I know the feeling. ^_^ This is something I've been working on for years. I'm just now feeling that I'm making serious progress. It takes time and PRACTICE. Oops! Because this is a webpage, it converted my dash code into the actual dash! Hah. The code for a dash is "& m dash ;" without the quotation marks or spaces. ^_^ I'm glad to be of help. The was/were thing is the thing I'm working on hardest right now. It's hard!! I'm now trying to strike a balance. It's impossible to eliminate all occurences of "was" and "were." Yeah. It's tough. Well, I'll see. ^_^
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Post by Nut on May 24, 2007 16:17:53 GMT -5
I don't know... Maybe because it showed up in a comic and people pay more attention to those than to stories? . Awwwwwww, no fair. I hope people are stil reading stories and articles... But you say the liberties of the Times are used more in stories? I would assume as much, because stories can run pretty deep, and such things might be needed. Well, up to this point I'd only ever seen swear words in stories (I haven't read all the comics though, of course), but even then it was pretty rare. Add that to how stories aren't read as much and that the people who do read them would probably want to overlook such a thing and just appreciate the rest of the story, whereas in a short comic with little dialogue it tends to stand out more. But I do think stories push boundaries more frequently than comics (in everything, not just this), because as you said, there's a lot more room for complications. ^_~
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Post by troublems03 on May 25, 2007 5:58:40 GMT -5
Short Stories: War Letters: Darigani by nimras23This is officially my favourite Vex quote ever. Brilliant. Just brilliant. As I whole I adored this piece. It was nicely segmented and able to hold my attention. In addition, I'm glad Vex had a large part as he is my favourite character of all time. Funny. Clever and above all original. Everything I've come to expect from the great Nimras. Can't wait for more of your stuff. ;D Comics: C.H.A.O.S. story by precious_katuch14, art by ssjelitegirlA lovely little comic with a nice joke. Kat - the script was original and Huntress - the art is lovely, I particularly liked the Aisha's expression in the last panel. You two work really well as collaborators. x) Random Something by silvermare200Hehe. Short and sweet. Your art is lovely and I always find jokes that relate somehow to the real world to work really well. -- As always reviews for my article, Unravelling the Mysteries of the Unlabelled Tin Can, would be treasured.
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Post by Komori on May 25, 2007 15:56:17 GMT -5
If I've missed anyone or made any mistakes, feel free to correct me, but, please, do so kindly. ^_^ Well, I know I'm not such a noticable person, but you missed my comic: Spooky www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=336281&issue=293Of course, I always wind up forgetting to review anyone else, so I kinda' feel bad asking for reviews. Maybe I'll find a chunk of time to review this week....
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Post by Dan on May 25, 2007 17:08:38 GMT -5
If I've missed anyone or made any mistakes, feel free to correct me, but, please, do so kindly. ^_^ Well, I know I'm not such a noticable person, but you missed my comic: Spooky www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=336281&issue=293Of course, I always wind up forgetting to review anyone else, so I kinda' feel bad asking for reviews. Maybe I'll find a chunk of time to review this week.... Seeing as this is Issue 292 Reviews, and that comic belongs in Issue 293...
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2007 20:24:56 GMT -5
Seeing as this is Issue 292 Reviews, and that comic belongs in Issue 293... Yeah, I noticed that. A moment before that, though, I was like "OMG!!! How could I EVER overlook Spooky?!"
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Post by Komori on May 25, 2007 21:03:47 GMT -5
Seeing as this is Issue 292 Reviews, and that comic belongs in Issue 293... Ohhhhhhhh. ._. Gaah, that's what happens when I don't pay attention to the Times for a few weeks.
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Post by Psycho on Jun 21, 2007 14:06:06 GMT -5
Unravelling the Mysteries of the Unlabelled Tin Can Really nice narrative voice!!! I am thoroughly entertained and found the tying in of Jelly World and those mysterious tin cans altogether original and brilliant. Furthermore, the depiction of the Tiki Tack man was different - not overdone, but comedic all the same. You struck home on this one The origami peophin helped. (Jelly World - ludicrous - bwahaha
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