HappiER Thread...

[noremac9]

Eh. Needless to say, Stone's topic became a barren wasteland of non-happiness, and full of dreamers chasing lost dreams. Not good. Luckily, we can leave all of that behind and come to the HappiER Thread, a second attempt at cheerfulness. I think I know Stone well enough to do this without ticking him off... I think. Anyway, I'll start off the note of the thread with something funny...

...

Or not. Okay, maybe I can't think of anything terribly funny, but I'm sure somebody can...

And remeber, don't make anyone fall into a coma, just be happy!

-Noremac9

[fudgie]

*Dances with a pretty pony* Happy Happy Happy! Don't be sad! BE HAPPY! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO! *Screams*

[noremac9]

Fudgie said:

*Dances with a pretty pony* Happy Happy Happy! Don't be sad! BE HAPPY! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO! *Screams*

I guess everyone has a different approach to making people happy...

I, on the other hand, have an approach that isn't relevent, and will therefore do absolutely nothing accept encourage other people to make everyone happy. Think happy thoughts, that's all I can say.

-Noremac9

[Deleted]

...hmm... "happy" threads...do threads have feelings?

[sticky]

taipeiss said:

...hmm... "happy" threads...do threads have feelings?

Of course, and something tells me that this thread isn't really happy.

WHEEEEEEE! ^_^

[sollunaestrella]

sticky said:

Of course, and something tells me that this thread isn't really happy.

WHEEEEEEE! ^_^

So we have to make it happy! But how...?

[sticky]

sol_luna_estrella said:

So we have to make it happy! But how...?

Cookies? Yum, chocolate chip! ^_^ *hands out c-c cookies to all visitors*

[Deleted]

Grave stones(all real):

Here Lies
Ezekail Aikle
Aged 102
The Good
Die Young
Anonymous

Hotten
Rotten
Forgotten
George Sala on John Hotten

Where his soul's gone or how it fares
Nobody knows, and nobody cares
Anonymous, Newbury, England

Here Einstein lies:
At least they laid his bier
Just hereabouts -
Or Relatively near
Kensal Green on Albert Einstein

Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden (1631-1700) on his wife

Against his will
Here lies George Hill
Who from a cliff
Fell quite stiff
When it happen'd is not known
Therefore not mentioned on this stone
St Peters, Isle of Thanet, England


Here lie I, Martin, Martin Elginbrodde
Have mercy on my soul, Lord God
As I would do were I Lord God
And thou were Martin Elginbrodde
Anonymous

Here Holy Willie's sair worn clay
Takes up his last abode
His soul has taken some other way
I fear the left hand road
Robert Burns (meaning Hell)

Here lie Willie Michie's bones
O Satan, when you take him
Give him some schoolin of your ways
For clever devils he'll make them
Robert Burns on an anonymous school teacher

When deceased and passed below
Earth jumped for joy, "For you it is well"
Said Nick, "but I should like to know
Why this monster was sent to Hell?"
FP Barnard

If heaven be pleased when sinners cease to sin
If hell be pleased when souls are darned therein
If earth be pleased when it's rid of a knave
Then all are pleased for Coleman's in his grave
Anonymous

Here lies Henry William, twenty second Lord
In joyful expectation of the last trump
Lord Alvanley (who had been expelled from a whist society)

Here lies the father of taxation
May heaven, his faults forgiving
Grant him repose, which he, whilst living,
Would never grant the nation
RA Davenport on Jean-Baptiste Colbert


O reader behold the philospoher's grave
He was born quite a fool but dies quite a knave
On Sir Joshua Reynolds

Here lies a little ugly nauseous elf
Who judging only from it's wretched self
Feebly attempted, petulant and vain
The "Origin of Evil" to explain
On Soame Jenyns

Here lies that peerless paper peer Lord Peter
Who broke the laws of God and man and metre
On Patrick Lord Robertson

Poor GKC his day is past
Now God will know the truth at last
On GK Chesterton

Nature and Nature's law, lay hid in night
God said, Let Newton be, and all was light
Alexander Pope

I laid my wife
Beneath this stone
For her repose
And for my own
Ottawa


Here lies the body of Richard Hind
Who was neither ingenious, sober or kind
Anonymous

Papa loved mamma
Mamma loved men
Mamma's in the graveyward
Papa's in the pen
Carl Sandburg

Here lies the mother of children seven
Four on earth and three in heaven
The three in heaven preferring rather
To die with mother than live with father
Birmingham graveyard

Here lies John Tyrwitt
A learned divine
He died in a fit
Through drinking port wine
Maltese graveyward

To the memory of Abraham Beaulieu, born 15 September 1822
Accidentally shot 4th April 1844. As a mark of affection from his brother.
Anonymous

It is so soon that I am done for
I wonder what I was begun for
Anonymous childs grave, Cheltenham

[sollunaestrella]

I posted this on another thread on the Off Topic board, but here they are, just to make this board (and anyone who hasn't read that post) happier:

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays (These are actual excerpts found around the country and submitted by high school teachers.)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 p.m.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other, like two fright trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m., traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 65 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy!

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Deleted]

Chat up lines and their put downs:

Do you get out of the bath to go to the toilet?
No need - I bathe in the toilet.

Do you like my new jacket?
It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.


Do you want to know why I'm feeling sad?
There's no reason, you're just sad.

Haven't I seen your face before - on a police poster?
Look who's talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to get out.

Hey, you're not much of a looker, but I'll have you.
Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?

I love your crazy hair - it looks like you've got grass growing out of it.
That's odd - I planted tulips.

I may be a bit of an eyesore, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You owe me a drink: you're so ugly I dropped my glass when I saw you.

I've forgotten your name but I'll never forget your face. I'm reminded of it every morning when I hop on the back of the bus.
Why would you hop on a bus? Wouldn't it be easier to use both legs?

Let's be honest with each other . . . we've both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you're right. Let's go and pull some girls.

Mind if I plug my laptop into your modem socket?
Isn't amazing how small they can make them, these days?

Most guys are like public toilets; either vacant, engaged or full of crap. Which are you?
Er, could you repeat the question?

Please talk to me so that creep over there will leave me alone.
I just said that to someone about you.

Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the barman?

Can I have your name?
Why - haven't you already got one

Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.

Can I spend the evening with you?
I gave up baby-sitting years ago.

Do you come here often?
Not if you do.

Queuing is so boring, don't you find?
It is now.

What's your favourite film?
Kodak
When I'm with you I feel like a real man.
So do I.

Am I the light of your life?
No, you're far too dim.


Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day.
Yeh - I was looking for a brain cell.

Can you tell me the time, because I want to make a note of the moment we first met?
I'll give it to you twice, because it's also the moment we split up.

[Deleted]

New york dumb laws(all apparently real):

The penalty for jumping off a building is death


A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

North carolina:

If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields

Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.

It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.

North Dakota:

It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon

One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

Ohio:

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.


No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.


The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.


It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!


Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.


Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.


It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.


You may not run out of gas.

Oklahoma:

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.


Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property

Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.


Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.


Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.


No one may spit on a sidewalk.


Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.


Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. (Repealed)


Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.


It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.


Whaling is illegal.


Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.


Tattoos are banned.


Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. (Repealed 1998)


People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail

It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.


Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.

One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.


Mules may not drink out of bird baths.


Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.

It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall.


While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.

[Deleted]

REALLY FUNNY GAURENTEE
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.


Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[Deleted]

Signs and notices:


Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"



Signs and notices 04
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."


In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"


Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."


Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."

Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."

Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."

Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."

Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."

Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."


Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"


Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

[Deleted]

[Deleted]