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Post by Rabbit ♠ on Aug 17, 2018 21:46:57 GMT -5
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Post by Flutter on Aug 17, 2018 22:14:35 GMT -5
I'm asking no crit on mine, please!
These short stories are things I do between chapters on my novel, so they're not perfect (I saw a typo LOL) by a long shot and almost always written in one sitting to get my creative juices flowing for larger projects.
That being said, it was super fun to expand on my In the Sky submission from last year and carry it over to this year. It's a fun arch and I'll be working on the last few parts as a multipart series because I want to see how this blasted story ends.
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Post by Spookie on Aug 17, 2018 23:51:31 GMT -5
yeah, my short story was a bit of a pain to write and i'm definitely not entirely thrilled with the finished product, so if at all possible, please refrain from criticism!! i'm usually glad to hear what i can improve but this was a beast and i'm definitely not up to hearing stuff that's wrong with it ;w;
congrats to all those who made it in this week!! i'm super excited to take some time over the next few days to check everything out :')
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Post by Moni on Aug 18, 2018 16:52:10 GMT -5
.... yeah, listen, i'm going to review. eventually, because this issue is *special.* i know i haven't been doing these and... i'm sorry, it's kind of tiring to review people and then get zero conversation from anybody. i like talking to people about their stuff and. it's not. fun. to just yell into the void.
i'm in this issue and i'll put it out there that i don't mind critiques. i actually kind of like them. shred it to pieces. take no prisoners. etc.
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Post by CrimsonShroud on Aug 18, 2018 18:14:35 GMT -5
Alright, first review. Here we go:
A very nicely written, detailed and researched article. As per usual.  I think I know just where to send my Zafara, Arthur, for his magic studies.  Let’s see… Faerieland Academy. Getting a lot of Harry Potter (and many other magic school themed story/movie) vibes from the Faerieland Academy Magic Exam. Especially with the Witch Hunt portion of the exams, where students square off against each other while testing their own magical abilities. With all the hands-on courses and rather simplified approach to education, I think Arthur would feel right at home there. Location isn’t much of a trouble either, as it is not that far from Central. Brightvale University? Hmm…let’s take a look. Not bad, a nice array of classes: “ magic casting, spell deciphering, potion mixing, alchemy, familiar summoning, curse removal, and a batch of social study classes about applying magic to everyday life” Sounds really neat. Looks like its the ideal school...wait a minute, written exams? Standardized testing?! 0_0 Nah, I think we’ll pass. XP Okay, now on to Altador’s School of the Arcane: “ At the end of each lesson the teacher would quiz the attending students on what they learned.” So students are quizzed at the end of each lesson? Good luck to the students who come to class late every day, or who attend at the last possible minute. Hmm…I like the freedom of choice students have, and it is rather unique in its teaching method. But it sounds like all the lessons are written/oral presentations with little to no hands-on courses. I think Arthur would get quite bored out of his mind sitting in an auditorium for hours on end, day by day. Qasala’s Curse Occult: There’s an occultist school in Qasala? Interesting. Although I don’t think Arthur would be in any way interested in joining a school where they intentionally put a curse on you. In fact, he’s already dealing with a cursed artifact of his own, so he’s good on that department. Order of the Red Erisim: Not applicable.  Verdict: Well, with all that in mind, looks like Faerieland Academy it is. XD Concerning the article, I’m a little surprised there was no mention of a magic school in Meridell or the Darigan Citadel. Maybe not so much with the Darigan Citadel, but Meridell has its share of mages (Kayla, Lisha, etc.) and it’s also the home of Illusen, who I’m sure would be willing to share her knowledge of magic and train aspiring mages. I think it would make sense for Meridell to have its own Magic School. Other than that, great article Pik! |
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Post by Moni on Aug 18, 2018 20:42:07 GMT -5
ArticlesPika pika pikaaaaa chuuuuu pi pi (translation: The Magic Exams Of The Magic Schools) by Duke Pikachu Okay, so, I wasn't sure how you could ever make exams interesting to read about, but I suppose *magical* exams ain't the SAT, so there's a lot of material to work with--and I suppose the exams themselves are one of the less interesting parts of the article--I sometimes found my eyes glazing over their descriptions; I felt that the real star of the show, if you will, was how you kind of revealed the various world flavors *through* how the exams are done.
Faerieland is a highly-competitive (even if the Library Faerie insists it's not a competition) school meant for beings made of magic--even though, yes, the occasional neopet does make it through. Brightvale and Altador are more traditional institutions--hence why the Red Erisim have members teaching there. The former is more analogous to a modern college--complete with debt! and the lab practical-like exams really show that too. Altador is more like an old-style learn-it-yourself college--the lectures invoke ancient greece a tiny bit, too--and the hands-off approach makes sense given that it's, well, run by the government. And Qasala potentially has the most interesting magic school--the non-faerie one with no erisim presence, and judging by the fact they give the usul gypsy a job, they probably don't care about social status per say, just whether you can teach and do the job; it makes sense that it's a curse-occult school, too (and I love your "technical" definition of a curse!), because Qasala easily has the most history with them.
And you convey all of that super well thanks to your choice of instructors and tests! I also find that this is one of your articles with more personality, since the teachers are all opinionated on various things--and some (the library faerie) will even lie by insisting something is not what it actually is. x) Science with the Seekers: The Magic of Motes by Carolyn and Zoey wewlads, it's the article! Honestly, there's just a lot to love--but I think what I love the most is the bits and pieces of real-world ecology you guys put in there--a lot of it is written in language that's easy for non-experts to understand. Dr. E and Dr. Zo Ez are incredible stand-out characters. Dr. E clearly has a lot of love, history, and thought put into the various aspects of her life and her research--and Dr. Zo Ez is the rare example of a blatant self-insert done well. She's not Zoey, obviously, but her personality is similar and a few choice likes/hobbies are exaggerated in a good way.
And??? Like??? the painting??? It must have been hard to get motes that naturalistic-looking, but you managed it somehow! i love the impressions of the shadows on the ground--I think it captures the distortiony-nature of the water quite well and adds a lot of interesting shapes to the piece.
Sally Mance's character is a bit unfocused and all over the place, but next to two great characters I don't find it too difficult to complain, especially since she really only plays a role in the intro+outro. I will say that she maybe could have played a larger role in demystifying--or simplfying--the ecological talk just a little bit more, considering this is for a layman audience. Life After the Curse by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 HMMMMMMMMMMM someone has been reading the news a lot, eh, old buddy Geo? This reads quite like a journalistic entry, upside-down-triangle shape and everything! I still did enjoy reading this format, though--it seems to be an examination of faerieland post-plot, and how fyora's actions are perceived by the populace.
(And honestly, the light faerie at the end there is the kind of low-information voter that should DIE IN FLAMES)
But yeah, it's fun to kind of just... see the faerieland constitutional monarchy at work. The Neopets vs. Faeries (which a lot of people in the fanon sort of include as an element to their stories and I like the way it's integrated into the world--I think that might be one thing Xandra awakened us all to), the involvement of plot characters (Kaia, Reizo, and Taelia), and just the general voice brings it all together.
The only thing that took me out is that sometimes the article spits out details that a reader in Faerieland (reading the Faerieland Gazette) should already know. The most striking one was when you had to mention the council has 60 members, when you could have done something like "to pass a veto, the council must get 2/3rds of the vote--at least 40 members" which gets that information across without stating it blatantly. Other than that, the article was a pleasure to read. :-) ComicsTrouble in Paradise: Wraiths by Rabbit ♠ Okay, I really like the joke--the unassuming/ignorant bystander asks a wraith pet what it's like, and the wraith pet just kind of... flips out in a really good way. The punchline works and I like it!
I think visually, it would have been better if the korbat looked more wraithlike (she looks like a blue korbat and it's... kind of weird to think she'd have anything different about her), but it's relatively normal-looking until you get to the panel where she looks scary, where you can kind of exaggerate the wraith features instead of simply flipping the color pallete. I know this would have probably taken up more time, but like, keep this sort of thing in mind in the future. Darkest Corner: Levitate!~ by AzusaIt's a cute joke! Braggart tries to prove themselves, they get foiled, classic. I really like the art + colors used--especially the contrast with how full the table is vs. how empty it is in the last panel. Even though no disrupting is shown, you can easily see what happened.
I think parts of the comic were confusing, in that the flow of events didn't 100% make sense and I had to read it twice to understand what was going on. The Chia reacts *before* (that panel is on the left, and since english is read left-to-right that's how people will read it) the panel where the Acara is implied to levitate things, which makes the delivery of the joke kind of confusing, since the Chia is reacting to nothing. It would have been much clearer if the "LEVITATE!" was shown first *then* the chia reacting negatively. Series (New)Not 100% sure I can get the old series, but I will try sometime in the next week. The Crimson Curse: Part One by CrimsonShroud It's always hard to review series as they come out because, well, you don't know how it ends. You don't really know where everything is going and if every element is going to be used properly because... you haven't seen it actualize. So I'm going to try to refrain from... speculating too much. So, if I get this right, the sequence of events is.. creepy amulet is set up, arthur goes and has chat with guy who tells him creepy amulet doesn't have a lot of power but is probably worth a fortune, arthur is like "screw that noise imma gonna use it to fire all my lazahs," he goes home, his sister (?) tells him about a nightmare with that amulet, Arthur is like "nah it's fine," Arthur invites everyone, shows off his magic tricks and oops! it was cursed after all and now everyone has to deal with the consequences. It's (mostly) a solid chain of events that follows from the fact that arthur is a curious and fearless adventure-zafara who can dip into the irresponsible. My favorite parts of this ... part is easily where arthur and his family interact; you can really tell the relationships between them and you can tell every 'pet has a personality. It's also clear that you're a very detailed and visual thinker given your descriptions. I often found myself liking the ideas behind your descriptions, even if you do need to spend some time cleaning them up. While you have great images, it's buried underneath cumbersome wording. I'll have a spoilered example: you're not pressed for wordcount either, so you need to grab a machete and chop chop chop this my dude:
It was late in the afternoon when the stagecoach reached the lush Meridell countryside. Arthur held the talisman in his hand, his fingers curled around its edges, gazing into the flawless ruby adorned in its center.
These two sentences are good. No change needed. It's after this that you need to chop:
He could see his own glaring reflection, his eyes squinting, contorted into a rigid frown. It had an intricate design, nothing like any other of its kind he had seen before; its base was carved into what looked like tendrils wrapping themselves around the jewel, like a squid ensnaring its prey. He flipped the talisman over, on the back was a carving of a strange winged creature that he could not recognize; its body covered in scales and it had wings comparable in appearance to that of a Shoyru or a Draik. He noticed that the creature’s head looked like it belonged to some sort of sea-creature. It reminded him of a mutant Kau, with the slimy skin, multiple eyes and squid-like tendrils protruding from its mouth. Where its eyes should have been, were two slits of red gems cut into a thin triangular shape, as if they were glaring, bloodshot eyes.
... this is a big wall of text that doesn't need it. You could easily cut all the filler words/sentences and be left with your main concept. Show, don't tell.
His reflection squinted back at him, contorted with a rigid frown. Tendrils came from the base of the amulet and wrapped around the jewel like a squid ensnaring its prey. When he flipped the talisman over, he saw a strange winged creature that he could not recognize; its wings--comparable to those of a Shoyru or a Draik--jutted out of its scaled body. The creature's head, however, looked like it belonged to a sea creature, with slimy contours, multiple eyes, and tentacles protruding from its mouth. Two triangular red gems were slotted where its eyes should have been: glaring, bloodshot. The other criticism I have is that... the visit to the archeology amateur and Arthur's subsequent testing of the amulet feel like two totally disconnected events. It's "this happened, then this happened." There seems to be no reason that Arthur couldn't have tried to suss out magic from it before--and nothing the guy said specifically about the amulet affected his reasoning in any way. (In this, I sort of agree with Parlebb's point.) In fact, it should have *discouraged* Arthur from trying the amulet, since, you know, no power. There's no character-establishing conflict arising from selling it vs. keeping it, either, because like, it's not like he needs the money or that it'll visibly help him or anything... which kind of makes the whole scene feel like an infodump to set up a reveal about the amulet's origins later... which is fine, but it's a weird choice for a first scene.
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Post by mollyscribbles on Aug 18, 2018 21:19:24 GMT -5
The Big Move isn't mine, btw.
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Post by mollyscribbles on Aug 18, 2018 21:28:51 GMT -5
Science with the Seekers: As a seeker, I could not in good conscience neglect this article. What a fascinating read! Given how motes tend to be dismissed for battledome use, I can't imagine this is a common field of study, which is a shame. |
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Post by Moni on Aug 18, 2018 22:33:27 GMT -5
Short StoriesRegar and the Potion by Spookie So you didn't want any criticism on your story and I am happy to give none! Honestly, giving criticism is sometimes a little easy and this forces me to try to analyze what it was I liked about the story and why.
So as to the broad strokes, I suppose not much really *happens* happens in the story. Regar makes a potion after promising one to Skarl a looooong time ago. He gives it to him, and it works out--in a very faerietale way, but we'll get there when we get there.
Honestly, I feel like the beeest part of the story is the description of Regar working his magic and his daily routine. There's such an ethereal, almost old-folsky feel to it all as we go through all his daily rituals; it feels like something an old wizard out of LoTR would do--as opposed to the fancy new variety of magic systems where magic is turned into Just Another Science. Every item around him as a history that gives his entire workflow unique properties.
His mastery of magic is apparent here, as is the reason he's enamoured with a forgiveness potion--it's a cool, unique concept that's almost tantamount to time travel, in a way: we're often interested in time travel because of the tantalizing possibility that we can somehow fix our mistakes, and in a roundabout fashion forgiveness manages to do the same thing. I can't imagine this was unintentional, because time also features in this story a great deal. And honestly, I think at first glance I might have written off the time stuff as superfluous, but it really helps the themeing here.
And honestly, I think that's what you may have wanted to write--the story is called "regar and the potion," after all, not "KING SKARL REGAINS HIS FAITH IN MAGIC YAYYY!!!"
Paranoia by Moni Garbage. garbage. garbage. seriously??? garbage. like, the story is really awkwardly put together, everyone's a bit ooc, and HOLY steamy dung THE MAIN CONFLICT, WHAT UPSET DANNER IN THE FIRST PLACE, ISN'T ACTUALLY SHOWN HAHAHAHAHAHA wow what a failure I hate this
but at least jeran gets punched. that was honestly 100% the reason i wrote this. Colossus by erroro okay, so take this as a companion review to the one I did on tumblr: jeranrox.tumblr.com/post/177113724950/xandrawasright-in-the-middle-of-the-night-iif you don't want the link, here's the text to it, spoilered: So I thought this was an interesting story–it certainly builds on Xandra’s background and I like how, even with Fyora’s kind of bad memories, you can a complete picture of the person she was before Fyora took her in and how that gradually changed when big world events ™ started happening.
(and honestly, this version of Xandra is from *Meridell?* Truly, that’s why she opposed Brynn and Hanso. It was nationalism!)
I also like how much of Fyora was injected here! The effects of her immortality on her memory and how she treats others is interesting, and it becomes a little sobering when you realize that Xandra will kind of receede waaay back in her mind one day, too. It’s not an angle I really see with Fyora (people really don’t write from her perspective that often)–whereas I feel like telling this story from Xandra’s point of view is something I’ve seen before, so plus for that POV character. ( Also, another thing I didn't mention: I think the story did a good job of showing Xandra and Fyora's relationship. It's a really solid choice of scenes that paint in broad and specific strokes how their relationship evolved over time.) since that review was so positive, I think I'll probably just make my NTWF review (ie the new parts) pointing at the part I didn't like--just so I don't have to repeat myself over stuff I've already said. Keep in mind that I really like this story and the part that got QotW really deserved to get QoTW because the context was just that good and aRRRGH. I say this because the succeeding paragraphs are pretty much going to be only criticism and without this disclaimer it'll seem as though I dislike the story. The story frames itself as *Fyora* reflecting upon *her own* mistakes. the problem is there's not really any sense that she's trying to do that. There's a whole song and dance about her immortality blurring lessons--but then she's doesn't talk about Xandra's life like she's trying to analyze it--it's more of a summary of xandra's story. Fyora also recounts specific details about Xandra's life that are a bit... too specific for me to really believe she's this immortal being in practice that tends to forget whole lessons and people and details among all the noise. She should be a sort of unreliable narrator based on the setup, but I don't really have a lot of clues that she is. And after all this meandering rambling trying to find out what was *missing* about an otherwise good story, the criticism counter-weight to the things I REALLY loved about this story would be that it has a voice/themeing problem--the diegetic setup doesn't really work, and because it's supposed to frame the entire piece, it kind of just hangs there uncomfortably sandwiching xandra's history.
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Post by Duke Pikachu on Aug 18, 2018 23:38:52 GMT -5
ARTICLES: Science with the Seekers: The Magic of Motes by Carolyn and Zoey A fun and intriguing read!  Here I thought it was going to cover each type of existing mote (aka the boring way I do things) but rather it's a far more interesting overall report about what motes are and how they affect the habitat they live in. I can see plenty of inspiration from real life animals so you never know what to expect will be brought up next. Had it just done that it would be good, but you also went up and beyond by creating a new "species" of mote with a beautiful picture (which I'm guessing is Zoey 's contribution). It really brings this article up a notch! I'd give this article a ! And now, some snarky comments: Is that suppose to sound like Salamence? Cause that's how I'm going to pronounce it. Not saying the Seekers wouldn't be looking for magic users, but if Dr. E was such a powerful mage wouldn't she have attracted the attention of the Order? Also, and I'll admit I'm being nitpicky here, while I was going to overlook the 30 years thing... Vandagyre weren't around during the Obelisk War. Oh, why of course... I don't know what that means. Does it mean you think Neopia is the center of the universe? Actually with the explanation you just gave about Weewoo budding it more sounds like it gave birth on your lap. So... did they find someplace else to put it? Cause, though obviously you wouldn't want to replace the magical preserve, I can see it attracting it's own group of motes; especially Electric and Robot (who I imagine are pretty rare). Being nitpicky again, but wouldn't a normal video recorder itself would be considered "high tech" within Neopian standards? by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 An interestingly powerful piece, TNT rarely have stories about the direct aftermath of plots where you would think a lot of emotions would be. Though I suppose that's what the Neopian Times is for, for users to fill in the gap possibly in ways TNT wouldn't have. Not a lot would think that TDF's curse would have lasting effects when logically they probably would. And while Fyora is able to fight against it, Kaia and especially Reizo would be very susceptible and have more visible side effects. Faerieland itself would probably be very worried that, not only are Wraiths on a possible rise again, but TDF is running around again. And likewise thinking of different ways to handle their fears: either curing the problem or chasing it away (which doesn't fix the problem and may only cause more problems if not handled properly). I do like all the other characters included: reference to Xandra, Casandia being friends with Kaia, Hanso hanging out with Reizo, mentioning Brynn is looking for TDF. I was sad to see many of them weren't included in the story so at least nice to see them being placed in the story by the players. A final thing I liked was how it was the Dark Faeries who fully believed Kaia's story while it was Light Faeries who were in doubt, a nice twist. Dark Faeries would know how curses work so obviously can tell Kaia is telling the truth while Light Faeries, many who probably view themselves as banishers of evil, are seeing things in black and white and sensing any evil want nothing to do with it. Only complaint I have is maybe having made either the member from the Pet Caucus or the Nimburg resident be a different Faerie Neopet than a Faerie Draik. Nothing major, actually it's super minor, but makes it sound like Faerieland has a sizable Faerie Draik population, lol. I give this article a . by Rabbit ♠ Funny . Figures that would be what it's like to be a Wraith Neopet right after a plot where that what the villains were; I imagine Darigan and Mutant Neopets had/have a similar issue. I also liked the expressions, both facial and with the hands. That said, though you did allude to it and it's not hard to find, you may have wanted to add a note that this was a reference to a previous article you wrote. At first I was confused why Kawalaii didn't look like a Wraith until I got the reference after a second reading hinted you might (and did) have a previous publication explaining this. by Azusa Funny and fantastic art! Though the last panel I had a problem with the word bubble placement, they're out of order. by Moni An intriguing and tenseful follow-up to Duplicity. As I recall, the story ended with Danner detesting Jeran for mind-controlling him and, though still serving him as captain of the Meridell knights, possibly never trusting him again. Of course, that was from Jeran's point of view. We never really went back to Danner's thoughts about what has happened, until now. The first part really showed how being mind-controlled can mess someone up, especially if done so by both a friend and someone in power. It also showed Danner both knowing thinking about this isn't healthy and he also wants to believe Jeran wasn't fully in control. Of course, then Danner realized what exactly Jeran needed to do to mind-control him. Second part started out with a neat way Danner coped with his paranoia, doing a random activity which would break him out of any mind altering spells. And it just so happens this one got him talking to one of the characters he needed to talk with to do what he needed to do, whether he knew it or not. Also nice to see "Lissandre" is still around, Jeran and Lisha keeping her true identity a secret (and probably have given her safe haven in Meridell Castle). And finally the third part where Danner approaches Jeran. The most tenseful part as Danner forces the answers from Jeran. And with the answers, Danner leaves with a bitter triumph, no longer worried Jeran has any control over him though still unable to trust him, if not moreso now that he knew Jeran left out some details in what exactly happened to him. This story gets a strong from me. It's dramatic and even heartbreaking, showing how far apart Jeran and Danner's friendship has fallen. If I had only one complaint it would be the image picture, doesn't really fit with the story though I know you had nothing to do with that, lol. by erroro A powerful retrospective coming from one of Neopia's most powerful beings about her greatest failure. You start with an interesting thought about how eventually memories must start to fade or blend together for beings with long lives (or are immortal). And when your a ruler where every moment of almost everyday has something important happening or meeting with someone important, memories would probably fade/blend even faster that if you did something wrong or wronged someone it would be hard to recall where it happened. Thus we get the story of Fyora trying to remember where she failed with Xandra, thinking of fonder times but eventually getting to points where their relationship began to sour. And now, all Fyora can do is just wonder if she could have done anything or at least answered Xandra's questions any differently. I give the story a . With how Fyora is always shown to be powerful and has the situation under control, it's nice to see her given depth and how she's not infallible and often makes greater mistakes than anyone else, and thus having greater regrets. by CrimsonShroud Sorry it took so long! I'm going to review both Part 1 and Part 2 on this issue's discussion board since it was written for it. Now onto part 1. Gotta say, the build up was certainly worth the pay off! And the way you seperated the parts helped with that as well as giving a visual key of a time skip. Learning about the amulet, using the amulet, getting home, telling his family about the amulet, and then inviting everyone to show off the amulet. Your descriptions also added plenty of atmosphere and showcased the characters feelings. The rising curiosity from learning about the amulet, the excitement of using the amulet for the first time, and the dread of what happens at the cliffhanger. If I were to make some criticisms. Well there were some parts I felt that could have been easily cut and shortened to a few sentences in the next/previous part. Primarily the second part (right after he met the appraiser and waiting for the coach before deciding to test the amulet out) and the part where he got home. They didn't really add anything that just a few sentences could have covered. Another thing I found a bit odd was Parlebb seemingly being okay Arthur lied to him when he was showing off. While certainly Parlebb could be impressed, at the same time I would have thought Parlebb (who I took to being the more mature and serious one) would wonder why Arthur lied to him about the amulet not having magic power. Also took him a while to respond to when things started going wrong. But those aren't any major complaints, just some nitpicks I thought of when reading Part 1 (at this point I hadn't read Part 2 yet). So while I do that, here's some other thoughts I had while reading through: RANDOM THOUGHTS:I've read enough H.P. Lovecraft to know that ain't good. Well I was joking with the Cthulhu stuff but if that's where the story is actually going... You done messed up! At least toss the appraiser a few coins, Arthur. Or considering his warnings to you maybe purchase a good luck or protection trinket. Jeez, I think Arthur just broke the record for quickest "absolute power corrupts absolutely". I made a small elemental cyclone, TIME TO TAKE OVER NEOPIA! Well they got over the Haunted Woods incident pretty quickly! If I had gone through that I would make sure there was alrights a light source active somewhere in my house. You have weapons that you don't bring with you?! You live in Neopia! You should be armed at all times! Arthor if you want to keep the power it has a secret for yourself you gotta decide on your story: do you want people to think its a piece of junk or not? Arthur is just all over the place (hint the amulet is maybe messing with his head?). It is a piece of junk, no it isn't piece of junk. It has no magic left in it, hey family and friends watch me use the amulet to make an elemental tornado! Dead. by CrimsonShroud And so the story of Arthur, Parlebb, and Clara comes to the end (at least for things connected to what's beneath the Haunted Woods). While the first part was all build up, this part was the pay off as everyone works together to put an end to the amulet's curse. It was very suspenseful, especially when it came to Lithia's life being on the line. I liked the pace of the battle, how everyone (that was standing) chipped in and reacted to whatever "Arthur" threw at them. You also did a good job showing "Arthur" was a force to be reckon with, powerful yet at the same time seemingly primal and running on instinct. Makes you question was he possessed or did the gem merely suppressed parts of him like conscious and morality. Well the gem is destroyed so not like that matters anymore. Kind of felt odd the wrap up was so long though it's also understandable since this story is also technically the ending of two other stories. I felt the pacing was fine and nothing felt it should have been shortened. No major criticisms. In my "Random Thoughts" sections I'm going to be making some harsh comments but it's all in good fun. I know that Wiluite is panicking so he's no making the best decisions, it would be a pretty downer ending if Lithia died, and with everyone alright and still friends best to put this behind them (or at least wait a few days before tying Arthur up, dressing him like a pinata, hanging him out of a tree, and have little kids beat him with sticks). So before moving onto said "Random Thoughts", my score for this story is a ! RANDOM THOUGHTS:After seeing your friend get blasted what made you think running towards him was a good idea? Wait, you suspected he was under a spell and ran toward him anyway? You deserve to be friend! What do you define as worse than being killed and your body turned to smoldering ash? I would make an Evil Dead reference but I think the one I'm thinking in particular would break the site's terms and condition. Well, can't make the Evil Dead reference so back to Star Wars: Clara used Mud-Slap! It was super effective! Arthur's accuracy went down! KINGDOM HEARTS!  Both of us rolled a nat 20 on our medical check! (That's a Dungeon & Dragon's joke for those of you who don't get it) Also power of friendship yada yada... HA HA HA! We all almost died. Oh yeah, let the one who was on Death's doorstep walk home on her own only a few minutes after reviving. DID YOU LEARN NOTHING! Oh, my mistake. What I should have said was HAVE YOU ALL LEARNED NOTHING! You should be melting the talisman into slag and chucking it into the sea! No, Arthur was just playing a killer prank on all of you... Well they could be, it was too dark for any of you to read it at the time, probably didn't explore all passages and chambers, and you were being chased by a monster. Obviously not going back is the smart idea, but maybe you should tell someone like The Defenders of Neopia about it (or maybe the Faeries, they're kind of looking for powerful artifacts at the moment). Okay, just because they dumb their way into making it good doesn't disapprove my point. While certainly the gem played a major part, this proves the talisman itself is also magic (after all its the one with the carvings of Cthulhu on it). And who knows if this is a good effect, for all we know it's sending the darkness to its "master" to increase its strength. But I suppose if there's anything to come of that, that's for another story. : Thanks! Glad you liked it! Faerieland Academy: Good spotting with the Harry Potter, I did draw some inspiration of the Witch Hunt from the Goblet of Fire's hedge maze. Altador's School of the Arcane: The idea with Altador's SotA is sort of be the opposite of Brightvale University. While BU is like a modern school with structured schedules and counselors monitoring your progress, SotA has the responsibility be on the student. If you're late that's your fault, especially if it happens multiple times. Meridell/Darigan Lack Of: BU takes care of that general area's magical teaching, in my personal vision. Meridell and Darigan Citadel may have witches and wizards who have apprenticeships or magic versions of workshop, but for an entire school BU is the main place. : Thanks! Glad you liked it! Glazed Over: The parts describing the exams I actually edited the most to try and make them as tight as possible. I had a feeling if I went on too long it would get boring so I tried to just get the main point across plus answering any natural follow-up questions. Faerieland: FA is split between Faerie and Neopets, the idea is that Faeries kind of do think Neopets can't measure up to what a Faerie can do so essentially made two separate schools. It's not lying, but there is a bit of an ego even if its not intentional on their part. Altador: I did take the auditorium stage idea from ancient Greece, glad someone noticed that. Technical Curse: For the purpose of the article I knew I had to explain what made a curse different from a normal magical spell, and upon doing so noticed how the Boons sounded like curses. And considering how mysterious and vague the Oracle is I ran with it, lol. XD Teacher Opinions: As with every of my "interview" articles, I try to give each one a distinct personality and glad it showed! Library Faerie I made matter-of-factly, Seradar the "back in my day" old wizard, Jerdana welcoming, and the Usul Gypsy a deadpan snarker.
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Post by Zoey on Aug 19, 2018 0:09:59 GMT -5
Moni and Duke Pikachu -- Thanks for the awesome reviews! Indeed, the painting was my contribution. XD I literally just took a bunch of references of red seafloor tube worms and added smiley faces on them. Okay, I made them glow a little bit more, too, to give them more of that iconic mote effect--BUT THE SMILEY FACES Dr. Zo Ez's dialogue (I would have been totally fine if Carolyn had made up a new character as well, but we ended up with a self-insert, for whatever reason) is all Carolyn here. XD I actually had an issue since I was up in Alaska when it was time for me to write my part of the interview, and Wifi was rarely available (data was nonexistent due to our cheap cellular service provider), so I thought I would do it over Google Drive and then upload it whenever I had connection. Lo and behold, it didn't work as I had intended, so in a span of 15 minutes one morning while we were leaving our cabin, I furiously texted Carolyn a slew of ideas I was working with for my--I mean, Dr. Ez's--part of the interview and she did the heavy-lifting of patching it all together. And I'm glad she did, because my wilderness-fatigued mind was not stringing together sentences properly, LOL!
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Post by Carolyn on Aug 19, 2018 19:54:27 GMT -5
I shall make time to respond! Duke Pikachu- I'm glad you like the direction we took! I figured that an interview would be a fun way to throw in Ecological information without bogging down the reader with large, blocky paragraphs.
Eyup-she's Salamence, just like the Pokemon. I didn't want to write a copyrighted Pokemon name as a character name for Neo soooo Sally Mance worked just as well, haha.
Eriopsis was originally a different species, actually. I think she was a Tonu? But then I was like, "wait, silly, you own Eriopsis on your side account. She's a Christmas Vanda." So I made the changes for species without thinking of the Neo timelines, whoopsies.
As for the Order? Hm, yup. I meant to write that, Order makes much more sense!
Neopiacentric came from anthropocentric or a human-biased POV when making important decisions. In RL, that would be like building a giant company over a wetland by saying "people need it, and it doesn't matter how that affects the species living in the marsh." Or something along that line. In this case, it would be Neopians who want to make money or prioritize Neopian desires over the well-being of the creatures living on the land.
Since BVU is a large university, I'm sure they found a way to see it through. As far as Dr. E is concerned, as long as it did not impact the preserve, she was happy.
As for the Weewoo bud... whelp.
I suppose that would be a bit high-tech; probably should have written Neovision or something similar. *shrug*
Thanks for the read and for the review~ =)
Moni- We loved working on it together and Dr. E was really fun as a character to play with. As for Dr. Zo Ez? About 3 or so weeks ago I asked Zoey if she wanted to join in the collab article and she was totally down for it. I thought of a character name aaaand Dr. Zo Ez was born. See Zoey's comments for Alaska shenanigans. I loved writing Dr. Ez and having the two interact. I didn't realize at the time that Sally was inconsistent but... whoops, totally so. I'll have to do a better job of writing down personality traits/character planning in the future, especially if I use her for another interview or some such thing. I probably will. There's plenty of crazy professors BVU professionals to interview. And I can totally base it off my stint with the Horticulture division in the county parks or something. x) That being said... I'm so rubbish at plants, lol, but at least I've learned some stuff about how they're organized and mapped. Hm. Would there be precise mapping and GPS in Neopia? Probably not. Idk. And yes! So glad that Zoey's beautiful painting was featured in the Times as the Totally Tubular Motes. Even resized for the Times, it still looks fabulous, Zoey! Thanks for the read! |
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Post by CrimsonShroud on Aug 19, 2018 23:08:56 GMT -5
Duke Pikachu Faerieland Academy: Indeed. Of course, the most notable difference is that in the Goblet of Fire’s Hedge Maze (and the whole tournament in general), people die. 0_0 Luckily, neopians don’t have to worry about that in this universe. Altador’s SotA: True. And having said what I said earlier, Altador’s SotA was actually my second choice. Nice touch with the parallels to Greek/Roman amphitheatres as auditorium/classrooms. Even though most of it involves a more traditional form of teaching, I’m sure there are a few hands-on lectures here and there, along with oral presentations that students must give to the class as part of their exams/lectures. Meridell/Darigan Lack Of: Ah, I see. Makes sense. by Carolyn and Zoey At last, some insight as to what it’s like to be a Seeker! (Well, mostly) Now, I know that both Sally Mance and Dr. Pamela Eriopsis aren’t meant to be self-inserts/neosonas of your respectful selves, though considering the characterisation, I’m not so sure that’s exactly the case… Anyhow, the article itself is well written in terms of characterisation. Plenty of snark and banter to go along between the interviewer and interviewee while being informative of the different types of motes and what many of them do. All in all, a very good and entertaining read. I wonder where Sally Mance’s shenanigans will take her next?
Paranoia by Moni Alright, I have some good and bad news, the bad news is…I haven’t read the linked series, Duplicity, before reading this entry. The good news is that the story stands well enough on its own that it made me want to go and look it up! Anyway, on to the review: It’s nice to see some insight into Danner’s psyche and how much he has suffered as a result of Jeran’s mind control (apparently Jeran went nuts and tried to rule over Meridell or something very similar in that earlier story). You portray it very nicely in terms of what he’s feeling and how confused and well, paranoid he has become of the people he used to call friends and family and everyone around him, to the point where he starts doubting reality itself. Until he finds a way to cope and overcome his fears that is. I absolutely love how you introduce Jeran, with the use of light and shadow giving an ominous and suspenseful feel to the scene. The overall confrontation between Jeran and Danner is quite suspenseful too; Jeran’s mannerisms throughout are reminiscent of the shady villain, the kind who linger in the shadows, pulling strings and manipulating others to get what they want. The only thing that sets Jeran apart from such villains, and seemingly his greatest weakness, is his lack of charisma, since Jeran isn’t quite that good at deflecting Danner’s direct questions and aggressive demeanour. What I find most interesting about this, is the ending. It looks like Danner had severed Jeran’s control over him after his one-on-one confrontation, but I don’t know, I think Jeran may have actually won. He’s still at large, holds some position of authority even after all that he did, and who’s to say he wasn’t manipulating Danner at that very moment? Worse, what’s to say he won’t try any of that again given the chance? It’s kind of almost set up as a sequel hook, which I honestly would be quite interested in should you decide to continue the story in any way. Overall, good read!
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Post by Duke Pikachu on Aug 20, 2018 17:30:17 GMT -5
Hey, we got a reward for getting published! A The Sleeper Constellation Stamp!  Worth between 250-400k. Not bad. |
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Post by Hannah Needle on Aug 20, 2018 18:20:27 GMT -5
Sadness. My series got accepted...
For next week. Oh well! If anyone wants to critique it, go right ahead. My next series is gonna be so much better though.
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