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Post by Celestial on Oct 29, 2014 14:04:08 GMT -5
The momentary relief Ambrose felt when Xavier awoke was short-lived. As soon as he saw the terror in his eyes and noticed the tears that threatened to burst out of them, his heart clenched. Of course. Ambrose rarely had nightmares but he recognised the confusion and terror apparent in Xavier's eyes far too well. He knew that nightmares never stopped as soon as you woke up; they stayed in your mind even long after they had faded. And Xavier's nightmare must have been a terrible one to reduce him to such a state. The young man began to shake with sobs under Ambrose's touch, confirming his belief. Ambrose breathed in sharply and for a moment, only one thought came into his head: to comfort Xavier. Slowly, he sat down beside him and lifted Xavier up, hugging him tightly and letting him cry into his shoulder. He should never have asked him about Courdon. If he had known that Xavier would have had such horrible nightmares from it, he would never have even considered it. Forget that legislation. Even though it might potentially help many more people like him, if it meant dredging up such painful memories for Xavier, it did not feel worth it. Nutmeg, in turn, whimpered a little as she felt Xavier's distress. She allowed Ambrose to shift him but as soon as he had settled, she practically shoved her head into Xavier's hands, nudging against him and giving his fingers gentle licks. It helped Ambrose if she did that, perhaps it would do the same for his friend. "It's alright, hush, you're safe now, you're not in Talvace anymore," Ambrose murmured in a quiet, gentle voice, "You can cry if you want to, it's okay. I'm sorry, I never should have asked you about Courdon, please forgive me," he lifted his head up a little. "Do you want to tell me what your dreamed about? It's okay if you don't, I won't pressure you but, if you want to talk..." Woob-dad, do your thing. <3
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Post by Elcie on Oct 31, 2014 10:48:07 GMT -5
Xavier didn't try to protest or pull away when Ambrose sat down and hugged him. The gesture of comfort was like unspoken permission for Xavier to cry; he didn't have to force himself to pull it together, not here. For a while he just sobbed into Ambrose's shoulder, his shoulders shaking and his body almost limp in his friend's arms. He didn't have the strength to do much else. Eventually he quieted, his breathing still hitched and shaky. "'M sorry," he mumbled into Ambrose's shoulder. He found himself stroking Nutmeg's head, soothed by the gentle repetitive movement and the dog's warm, solid presence. He pushed himself up a little, enough to be able to look Ambrose in the eye, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's- it's not your fault, Ambrose," he said shakily. "I dreamed about T-talvace, i-it's okay, I'm... used to it." The nightmares were less prevalent now than they'd once been, but they still sometimes hit him when he least expected it. Xavier was silent for a couple of minutes, looking down at Nutmeg as he scratched her behind the ears. He still could not get the image of Muriel out of his mind. It would not have been such a bad thing - he held her memory dear, knowing he was one of the few people, if not the only one, who really remembered her and cared about her - except for the fact that what lingered from his dream was the image of her last moments. The pain she'd been in, his own helplessness to stop it - and what he could not keep himself from thinking as his own cowardice in leaving her to her fate. He swallowed, a sudden shiver sweeping through him. Ordinarily he would have hidden all of this, keeping the emotion and the memories to himself and evading explanation when anyone noticed how tired he was the next day. He had not even talked to Ilsa about it, and had only just begun to let himself tell Elin; he didn't want to burden them. But here... Despite everything, despite the lingering fear and unease from his dream, Xavier felt safe. He trusted Ambrose, looked up to him more than anyone, and the kindness and understanding in his voice helped Xavier lower his guard. For once, he wanted to talk about this. To remember Muriel as she'd been in life, remind himself that the memory of her horrific death was not all he had of her. "I told you that... I learned about Kyth from another slave," he said quietly. "I didn't tell you her name, though. Her name was Muriel. She was..." Xavier paused, trying to collect his thoughts. "My... my mother died when I was really small. So there was another slave... Muriel... we were friends, she was only a little older than me, but she looked after me. She was like my sister." Xavier gave a very small, sad smile, still looking down instead of directly at Ambrose. "N-no, I guess... she was my sister, in every way that mattered. She was the only family I had." Ambrose used Woob-Dad Hug! It's super effective! At long last, Xavier starts talking about Muriel.
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Post by Celestial on Oct 31, 2014 21:18:52 GMT -5
Xavier took his time and Ambrose did not rush him, letting his friend cry into his shoulder to his heart's content. The Stallion did not say a word during all this time, why should he? It was unlikely that he would be heard, even if there was something that talking would solve. Instead, he patiently waited for Xavier to recover, all the while continuing to hug and hold him. It pained him to see his friend in so much pain but that was precisely why Ambrose felt he had to do something about it, and he did all he could. Nutmeg continued whimpering softly, not liking Xavier's distress at all but allowed herself to be stroked by him, all while giving him the saddest look, which was best described as sympathetic. As the young man began to quieten and his stroking eventually turned into scratches, she became silent too. She sat down and rested her head on his knees, her tail twapping a little against the flagstones as she wagged it. As long as he wanted to scratch her and stroke her, Nutmeg was more than happy to stay. Especially if scratches and stroking was involved. Ambrose, however, did not let Xavier go even after he had calmed down. He let him move a little but the Stallion was unwilling to stop hugging the young man, feeling like the touch was still welcome and needed. Judging by the shudder, he was not wrong and he held Xavier gently but firmly, wordlessly letting him know it was alright. That he was safe and there was comfort and sympathy available to him. But as well as hugging him, Ambrose listened quietly as Xavier talked, explaining that he was used to the nightmares. The Stallion felt an intense rush of sadness at the thought. He had seen and remembered enough awful things, it was just lucky that he could not remember his dreams too. But for Xavier, to have to relive the terror of Courdon some nights...he could not imagine how painful that was. However, it was not the talk of dreams which caught his attention but of Muriel. Ever since Xavier had mentioned that somebody had told him about Kyth, Ambrose had wondered about them but he could not have imagined how important she must have been to Xavier. How fondly he seemed to speak of her...but there was nobody called Muriel around in Medieville, certainly not anybody that Xavier seemed to know. "I see. She sounds like she was a very good person, to have taken you under her wing," he said quietly and lowered his gaze, wondering if he was going to regret asking this. "Something happened to her, didn't it? You don't have to answer me if you don't want to, but if you want to talk about it..." More woob-dad hugs and an opening for therapy. Take it, Xavier. You need it.
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Post by Elcie on Nov 6, 2014 19:25:58 GMT -5
Xavier was silent for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. He didn’t want to remember this. But… he was remembering it anyway. He could remember her screams as if it had happened yesterday, whether he wanted to or not. Maybe talking about it would help. He didn’t have to deal with this alone. “She…” Xavier swallowed and opened his eyes. “It was her idea to escape,” he said softly. “She was talking about it for years before we actually tried - all those stories of Kyth… I never thought we’d actually - it didn’t seem possible. Just daydreams. But then… then something changed. She was making plans, real plans, and she wanted to take me with her.” She’d never told him why she’d decided to escape. But Xavier thought he knew. His shoulders hunched uncomfortably and he stared unseeing down at the floor as he spoke. “And I… she never said this… but I think it was because of me,” he said, very quietly. “What happened to me after Duval found out I was a mage - and - and how he t-treated me afterward. She hated it, she wanted to do something. M-maybe if I’d refused, or just stayed away from her--” He broke off with a gulp. “...We nearly got out of Jisam before Duval's men caught up to us. They had mages… I think they were trying to, to paralyze us, but something went wrong. O-or maybe Duval really did just… want us dead. But she…” A convulsive shiver shook his body, and unconsciously he leaned in closer to Ambrose for comfort. “Th-they missed me, but they hit her. I don’t really remember how it happened, I just remember her falling, and…” He was definitely shaking now, remembering it. “They had her on the ground, she was just… writhing, and kept screaming for me to go.” His voice dropped to a whimper, his eyes squeezing shut. “And I did.” The tears were coming again, and Xavier’s breathing turned shaky. His heart was hammering rapidly in his chest. “I could still hear her screaming,” he whispered. “Until it stopped.” He’d felt as if his heart had stopped with it, back then. “I’m only free because she’s dead, Ambrose,” Xavier said, his voice cracking on the words. He looked up at Ambrose, tears flowing down his cheeks; he’d never admitted that to anyone before. He’d been told that it was brave of him to have fled, but it was the exact opposite. “And the worst part is I could have stopped it - I should have, should’ve stayed away from her after the conditioning like Lord Duval wanted or told her I wouldn’t run - I knew she’d get hurt if she kept trying to help me! And I let her!” As he talked his voice kept rising in utter anguish, until finally he ended on a sob and buried his face in his hands. Elin had tried to tell him that it was not his fault, that only Duval could be blamed for Muriel’s death, but Xavier knew that wasn’t true. She may have died on Duval’s orders, but he was the one who could have stopped it. For the first time, Xavier talks about how Muriel died.
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Post by Celestial on Nov 8, 2014 14:33:56 GMT -5
For a moment, seeing the anguish that remembering caused Xavier, Ambrose genuinely regretting asking about Muriel. He had expected the question to bring up a lot of pain but not this much. However, as he thought about it, the Stallion decided that asking had been a good thing. Xavier had clearly had this weighing on his heart for a long, long time and if anybody deserved to let his emotions out, it was him. And on some level, the Stallion felt...privileged that he was being entrusted with something like this. That Xavier felt comfortable telling him something this traumatic. "You've been holding all this back for a long time, haven't you?" Ambrose asked quietly, putting an arm around the young man's shoulders and stroking his back to comfort him. "You can cry, it's alright. You don't have to hide." Nutmeg too, did not stay still. She climbed up beside him on to the furniture and nuzzled Xavier's hand, occasionally licking it as his tears soaked through his fingers. After a short time, however, she stopped and laid down across his's knees, whimpering a little and looking up at him with her large brown eyes, hoping that he would be okay soon. The dog did not really know what else to do. He waited for a while, letting Xavier get over the worst of the tears before he felt comfortable speaking again. "What happened was not your fault. It sounds like she wanted to do this, to help you escape no matter what it cost her. Duval-" The Stallion broke off, feeling a sudden stab of anger at the thought of the slave lord. Ambrose still remembered the confrontation between Xavier and him at the Coronation and how that too had triggered his rage, enough that he had actually threatened Duval with the Weapon. But hearing the story, it just confirmed what he already knew: that the slave lord was a despicable human being, to hurt somebody like he had done. The Coronation...the circumstances of Muriel's death sounded eerily familiar. The Stallion swallowed. At least in his case it had been a paralysis spell but for Xavier to have seen that... Ambrose shook his head, trying to dismiss the thought. It was not going to help anything. "It was all Duval's fault, he's the one who is responsible for her death. He ordered the mages to cast the spell on her, he was the one who wanted to catch you. You were right to run away from a place that hurt you so badly, both of you. Even if it cost her dearly," he sighed. "It sounds like she cared a lot about you. I cannot claim to know Muriel so correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think she would have taken no for an answer if you had pushed her away. She seemed determined to get you out of Courdon at any cost." A small, gentle smile appeared on his face. "Hindsight is a powerful thing, Xavier, trust me. You couldn't have known what would have happened. It was not certain that Duval's mages would have caught you. But..." Ambrose leaned down to Xavier. "Tell me, do you think, if she knew that you were in Kyth, free and surrounded by people who care for you, like Elin, Ilsa, Leif or even me, do you think she would regretted what happened?" It's okay, Xavier, don't cry. It's not your fault. Listen to your woob-dad.
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Post by Elcie on Dec 23, 2014 15:39:12 GMT -5
For a while Xavier was silent, too wrapped up in his own anguish to be able to respond. After some time, though, he lifted his head, reaching down to scratch Nutmeg behind the ears. "She was always... really stubborn," he whispered, and there was the trace of a smile on his face amidst the tears. "She got in trouble a lot, even when it wasn't... for me. She..." The truth... Xavier knew the truth. Muriel had been more than willing to die for him. He'd been all she had, just as it was true the other way around. And she hadn't given up on him, even after Duval had taken him away and separated them and done things to his magic that made Xavier's skin crawl even now, remembering them. But she was always the one who'd had to sacrifice for him. Always because he hadn't been stronger, hadn't been braver like she was... "You're right, Ambrose. She'd want me to be here," he said quietly. "I- I wish she could meet Elin. I think she'd have liked her. And Ilsa and you and... everyone. She never really had much of a family either..." He closed his eyes tightly. "She didn't even have to look after me. We were just children, she already had too much to worry about, but she... always made sure I was okay. Kept me safe, when she could..." Xavier leaned against Ambrose's shoulder, no longer sobbing, but his breathing still shaky. "I miss her, I miss her so much," he whispered fervently, his voice shaking. "It's not fair, she should've... if anyone deserved to know what it's like to be free, she did." Xavier talks a little more about Muriel, who he still misses badly.
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Post by Celestial on Dec 24, 2014 12:42:45 GMT -5
Ambrose kept his arm around Xavier's shoulder,happily letting him lean on it. He had stopped stroking Xavier's back but nevertheless made sure the comforting hold remained as long as it was needed. More importantly, he kept listening and as he did, a deep sadness filled his heart. The Stallion had never known Muriel personally, he could never have hoped to know her even if by some improbable coincidence he had seen her at some point, but she had clearly had a profound impact on Xavier's life, for him to mourn her so much. From his description of her, he could gather enough of an idea of Muriel's character to know that she did not deserve to die. Nobody did, but to die in such a fashion, at the hands of such a person as Duval... He shook his head a little, clearing the thought away and put his hand on Nutmeg's head, who had by now settled on Xavier's lap. She pressed her wet nose into his palm, her tail thumping against the seat they had been on and she shifted her paws to get more comfortable. However, the dog did not remove herself from the young man at all. She had gotten good at sensing distress and could feel that he still needed her. "It sounds like she was a really good person. I wish I could have met her too, thanked her for looking after you," Ambrose murmured after some time. "But the world is not always kind to good people, especially in Courdon. It's not fair, or right that she died, and I am very sorry, for all that it is worth. It's not fair and it isn't right that she never got to be free." He glanced down at the blanket that had fallen and reached out his other arm to pick it up, putting it around Xavier's shoulders. Even if he was not cold, perhaps the warmth would help a little with calming the young man. Once that was done, he hugged Xavier again. "It's okay to miss her, it's even understandable if you were as close as you sounded. But," Ambrose turned to look at Xavier, giving him a small but reassuring smile. "You're free and you're safe. Your escape attempt was not wasted and her life was not either. You got away from Duval and you said so yourself, it's what he would have wanted. She definitely deserved to be free but so do you, and you are. You're away from Courdon, surrounded by people who love you. It's worth something and I hope wherever she is, it is worth it to her." More comfort and reassuring words as Ambrose tries to calm Xavier down and get him to be less distressed.
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Post by Elcie on Jan 8, 2015 22:06:20 GMT -5
When Ambrose hugged him, Xavier returned the hug tightly. "Me too," he said quietly. He leaned back a little, and while his eyes were still red and his breathing shaky from his earlier sobs, he looked more composed again. "I don't know if it will ever feel worth it to me," he admitted, looking away. "But I won't waste this. I'm free, and I'm a Jade and... I can help other people. Like you're trying to do, Ambrose. That's what she would be doing if she was here, I'm sure of it. And I won't waste the chance." For a few moments he trailed off into silence, his brow furrowed. Somehow... his breathing felt easier after that. A weight had been lifted, like when Leif had told him he was free, like the night when he'd told Ilsa about his past. The ache of missing Muriel was still there; maybe it always would be. But it wasn't something that he had to carry alone. He lifted his head suddenly. "Ambrose... maybe this sounds... silly. But- I want to do something. For Muriel, to remember her. Before, I never really had time just to stop and... I was on the run, a-and she probably didn't even get a proper burial. But something like a memorial, like a free person would get to have." She was far from the only slave who'd died without the luxury of being properly mourned and remembered, he knew that. Like his own mother, who'd passed quietly of illness leaving only a little boy who didn't even fully understand why she was gone. But that was all the more reason for him to do something; if he was the only person who remembered Muriel, it was his responsibility to honor her memory, and everything she'd done for him. "King Galateo made a memorial for the people who died in the coronation. I just wonder... I don't know what it would be, exactly, or where I could do it. B-but- but maybe, you could help me?" He looked hopefully up at Ambrose as he said it. Funerals and memorials were supposed to be a gathering of people who had loved the dead person, and for Muriel, there was only him. But Ambrose was good at making things, and he understood things like this, and Xavier felt that maybe he'd be willing to help. Xavier starts feeling better, and has the idea of making or doing a memorial of some kind for Muriel to honor her memory.
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Post by Celestial on Jan 10, 2015 14:23:46 GMT -5
He could feel Xavier settling, which in turn made Ambrose relax more. While he did not remove his arms, he loosened his hold on the young man, still remaining there for comfort and support but no longer feeling the intense distress and regret that clearly gripped Xavier before. He smiled at his friend's words, glad that Xavier had decided to do that. It was the best course of action in his life, to try to help whoever he could and make them avoid the same fate. Certainly, it was one Ambrose could understand. A reassuring nod was all that was needed from him to confirm what he thought about it. He had said everything that was needed before and the silence was good for Xavier to gather his thoughts while the Stallion sat there to provide any more comfort that the former could need. The idea of a memorial though...Ambrose turned to face Xavier, thinking about what he had said. "A memorial would be nice, definitely, and she deserves to be remembered. Everyone does, especially those who die as she did. Perhaps it would also help you gain some closure in regards to her death. These things are as much for the living as for the dead. But either way, I promise, I will do my best to help you." He put a hand to his chin, absently stroking his beard as he thought more in depth about it. "Sometimes people want to return to the place where that person died but," the Stallion shook his head. "I doubt that's an option for you. Still, you can do something for her here. It doesn't even have to be as big as what Aldrich did for the coronation. It can just be small and personal. There's so many different ways of remembering." With that, Ambrose turned back to look at Xavier. "You knew Muriel better than I ever could have. What did she like? What was special to her? Any kind of place or thing she enjoyed? That might help us come up with ideas for how to properly honour her memory." Ambrose is happy that Xavier is feeling better and agrees that the memorial is a good idea. He asks Xavier for ideas on how to honour Muriel.
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Post by Elcie on Jan 27, 2015 10:31:26 GMT -5
Xavier frowned thoughtfully. "We didn't have a lot," he said. "But she was good at making the most of it... she'd tell me stories, we'd pretend we were somewhere else. Like Kyth. She... liked to run, too, she was good at it, she'd always win when we played at racing as kids..." It added to the irony that he, not she, had been able to outrun Duval's slavehunters, but he tried to put that out of his mind. The thought was not the same sort of stabbing pain that it usually was. "I always wondered what she would've thought about the world outside Jisam. No more walls she wasn't allowed to cross, just... open spaces." There was a wistful tone to his voice, but the bitterness had gone. He fell silent for a moment, his eyes distant, as if whatever he was seeing was miles away. "I think... I think I want to do something by the lake. She never got to see anything like that, there wasn't a lot of water in Talvace. I think she would have liked it." He looked up at Ambrose, a rueful smile on his face. "You're right, I can't go back to the place where she died. But I think this is better. She hated Jisam, she wasn't happy, I don't want to remember her like that. Here though, even though she never got to see it - I can see it for her, I can remember her here, even though she couldn't be..." He trailed off, a lump in his throat. He didn't know if he could put it into words. But there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to do it like this. It was like making sure Muriel could make it to Medieville after all, even if only the memory of her. "I want to leave her something," Xavier said decisively. "Like a... marker, or a gift. Something to show I'm still thinking of her and remembering her." Xavier talks a little more about Muriel, and decides to have his memorial by the lake since it was something Muriel would have liked but never got to see.
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Post by Celestial on Feb 1, 2015 19:47:36 GMT -5
Ambrose smiled and gave Xavier's shoulder an encouraging squeeze. "I think the fact that you're not wasting your life and your freedom is a good way to show that you remember her and her sacrifice. But it doesn't make the memorial idea even less important, or necessary. I'd say it's a good way to show it." He continued to stroke his beard, trying to map out the logistics of this. "There's plenty of room by the lake, and parts of it are forested, I think? That would be the best place for a memorial, especially if you find a bank that touches the lake that is private enough. But you will have to ask somebody who is more familiar with the area than I am," a small smile appeared on his face. "I don't know if Aldrich would carve a headstone, he is king and his sculptures are infused with his magic but I can ask if he has any advice, or knows somebody who can do it for us. In the Bernian lowlands, there are also people who plant a tree to remember the dead. Either of those as markers would serve its purpose, and it will be a place where you can leave gifts for her year after year." The Stallion stopped stroking his beard and turned to look over at Xavier. Nutmeg had curled up by their feet and was fast asleep, occassionally giving a small, wheezy snore. He reached down to pat her head, to which she responded by twitching her ear, before he turned back to Xavier. "You must be tired. It is late and I can't imagine the nightmare would have let you have a restful sleep," Ambrose said quietly so as to not wake the dog. "We can talk more about this tomorrow, or even start planning if you have some good ideas. I will help you however I can, I promise." Ambrose throws out some ideas for the memorial before realising that his dog has gone to sleep and thinking Xavier must be sleepy too. Maybe it's time for wrap-up? *shrugs*
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Post by Elcie on Feb 9, 2015 17:28:29 GMT -5
Xavier nodded, tiredly. "And... I should tell Elin, she'd... she'd understand..." His words were cut off by a wide yawn. Exhausted, he found himself slumping, and leaned against Ambrose's shoulder. "Ambrose... thank you," he said quietly. He felt tears welling up in his eyes again; no longer the desperate sobs of before, but born of his tiredness and the deep-seated ache he still felt in his gut. It had been so long since he'd allowed himself to cry for Muriel; now that the floodgates had opened, he suspected that he might not completely stop for some time. Wiping his eyes with one hand, he twisted around to look up at Ambrose. "Is- is it okay if I stay here for tonight?" he said hesitantly. "I don't want to be a burden..." It wasn't just the late hour or the distance of Marson Manor, but the fact that he didn't really want to leave Ambrose just yet. The Jades and the Marsons always made sure his needs were met, but there was something different and uniquely comforting about how Ambrose looked after him. Xavier's tired and teary, and asks Ambrose if he can stay at the manor for the rest of the night 'cause he doesn't want to leave his woob-dad.
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Post by Celestial on Feb 16, 2015 14:04:43 GMT -5
"You should tell Elin. She of all people deserves to know and she will understand. You don't need me to tell you that she cares deeply for you. It will be one more person to shoulder the burden with you," Ambrose said quietly, still holding Xavier close. He made no movement as the younger man leaned on his shoulder but instead put his arm around him and stroked him to comfort him. "You can stay here as long as you wish, my home is always open to you," the Stallion smiled at him. "Xavier, you will never be a burden to me. You are one of my dearest friends and I would never kick you out into the cold and dark. Besides," he gave a soft laugh. "There's a bed here for you anyway." Ambrose could feel a yawn spreading through him too. He closed his eyes and held his mouth tightly closed, suppressing it. As much as he wanted to go sleep himself, he did not want to abandon Xavier. At least, not until Xavier had gone to sleep himself and he could make sure he was not going to have more nightmares. "Go to sleep, Xavier, it will be alright. Hopefully there will be no more nightmares for you," Ambrose said quietly, hugging Xavier to him. "It's all over now anyway. You don't have to be afraid." Ambrose agrees to let Xavier stay the night and decides to stay until he falls asleep, in case woob-son has more nightmares. D'aww. <3
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