309 Reviews

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tashni said:

@ Wolf - Wolf, if you have the time, would you look over "Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow" for me? Thanks, if you can.

twocent said:

I'm a little nervous to ask this, but is anyone willing to review my story? It was in this issue, and it was called "Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan." I'm halfway through another story, but I've reached a sticking point, so maybe some tips on that story will assist in my new one. ^^

Not a problem! Sorry I overlooked this post for the last few days. I'll go read it now.

Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan by twocent - This is an exceptional first NT publication. You had a hook in the opening paragraph, which is rare in first entries. Your character was FUNNY, the whole story was really funny. You had jut the right amount of description, and maintained a good pace through out. Very nice work!

One piece of constructive criticism I will give is this: remember to make sure what happens makes sense. Take this bit for instance:

My other chia pops had melted while I dozed. I threw them into the trash while I left the shop.

Are Chia Pops really going to melt on Terror Mountain? I sort of doubt it.

But if that's ALL I can find to make a comment on, you've done an excellent job. I really look forward to reading your work again! Oh, would you mind responding to this post if you read it? I want to make sure you get it.

Thank you! I had submitted another story (preview: stamp wants to take over the world), but my account was frozen. I resubmitted the story on my new main, so hopefully they take it. And I'll make sure to read over for weird things like that. Thanks for the review!

[bag]

ARTICLE: "I Flew into a Tree" by Playmobil

Short review: Playmobil, you rock. So much.

Real review: Firstly, I'd like to thank you for making a humorous article. That brings tears to my eyes that someone still cares about that venerable section of the Times. Secondly, all of these excuses are gold. Here's why: most of these can apply to the real world too (Except for the cab one, your driver can't exactly take you to Switzerland and back ), which makes this article not only funny but even charming for it. What I would've liked to see is a more bulkier conclusion, but I don't think that really matters.

[Tashni]

micrody said:

tashni said:

@ Wolf - Wolf, if you have the time, would you look over "Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow" for me? Thanks, if you can.

Time? What is this "time" you speak of? I have nothing of the sort, and since I'm rather poorly-skilled in chronogenesis, it's not an easy resource to come by. But I'm a bibliophile, addicted to words and proud of it. So...I'll always get to reviewing. ^_^ Always. Even if I am perpetually three and a half issue behind.

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Outsider Within: Cap'n Barlow by tashni
I've seen more great writers fall for this than I've seen great writers, period. -_- Unattributed dialogue sounds like a great idea, and in certain situations it can be, but the beginning is never a good place for it.

Unattributed dialogue is dialogue whose speaker is unknown. Saying something short (no more than a simple sentence usually) in the first paragraph and then following up with the speaker (or the listener, depending) in the second paragraph is quite possibly the only way unattributed dialogue can work in a beginning. Otherwise, it's like watching a movie with your eyes closed: You can hear everything but see nothing.

But unfortunately, it's worse than watching a movie with your eyes closed because, when you're reading, you can't hear that speaker number one's a woman, that speaker number two's not, and when that third line of dialogue rolls around, you can't say, "Oh, a new voice," simply because there's not enough characterization in one or two lines of dialogue to allow a reader to recognize a speaker by speech alone.

I loved my unattributed opening, and I mean I really loved it—it was quite possibly the best opening I'd ever written—but only because I knew who, and how, these words were being said. For a reader, the opening was weak, hard to understand, and had no emotion, no feeling, no substance to hold on to.

Anyways, despite the opening, the story was really good. I liked it. The presentation of having a character tell a story, though, often made me feel distanced from the actual story: The scene before me was two pets talking, not of the pirate trying to get his load to Meridell on time. Sure, I could envision the latter from Barlow's words, but it was secondhand, vicarious. And I kept getting reminded of the fact that he was telling the story, not experiencing it, and that deepened the distance between my experiencing his story through his eyes as opposed to simply being another listener like D.A.

What kept drawing my mind back to the writing was his pirate talk. It didn't take much for me to get used to it, but by that time, it had already dealt its damage. I tend to try to avoid shaping dialogue like that, because it does often distance the reader. Certainly, acquainting yourself with it lessens that distance, but you can't count on having your readers be so used to it when they begin reading. Sure, books like Harry Potter pull it off flawlessly with characters like Hagrid and Fleur, but those are two characters out of how many? The key is moderation, and an entire story in pirate talk was simply too much for me, I guess.

Nothing can change the fact that I liked this story and that it was well-written and enjoyable to read. But I just couldn't form that connection with it that goes beyond a simple reader-words relationship.

Thanks for th honest concrit, Wolf, I really appreciate it. Everything you said is right. Sometimes, I see what work good as a movie in my mind, but then it doesn't transfer to paper very well. (Movie-making would be far too expensive a hobby to start.) So thanks again.

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I Have Hope by shadow_sabre_
I'm not quite sure what to say about this story. On the one hand, it was a good story. But on the other, I don't think it was presented very well. The writing was very formal, and that led to a lot of repetitiveness and gave the writing a weighed-down feeling. At times, it was as hard to push through this as it would be to walk through knee-high mud.

The story was there, but the writing itself seemed to build a wall between me and the characters. Things were narrated very visually, each action being spoken about as it occurred. But this often leads to neglecting the characters are three-dimensional beings that exist beyond the visual aspect we're being told about. This distances the reader and makes the reading very rigid and hard to intake.

A while ago I held a conversation started on the idea that textbooks are not written to be read. They're written to be studied. I argued that textbooks should be written more like fiction: They need not tell a story, but they need to induce an experience, not a mental overload induced simply by trying to understand it. In a similar way, this story felt as if it had been written as a textual piece to study. I know for some, this is enjoyable, but for me, the fiction I enjoy most is the fiction that I experience most.


Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan by twocent
This was a wonderful first piece. It's a bit belated, but congrats on your first piece and welcome to the forum. It's a shame about your account, so I hope your second one doesn't get frozen, too.

The story was very sweet, pun unintentional. I love mint, too, so that made the story even more fun for me to read (even though I'd rather eat a Candy Vampire than a Candychan; as I write this, I'm even nibbling away at candycorn, so...). The tense was a bit sketchy throughout the piece, but otherwise the writing was well-done. The way Hungry Skeith found the Candychan wasn't incredible, but it seemed to fit the story. I also liked that he didn't actually eat it and that he kept Florg from eating it, too. The ending then, was very sweet as well, and this time, I think the pun's intentional. :)

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tashni said:

Thanks for th honest concrit, Wolf, I really appreciate it. Everything you said is right. Sometimes, I see what work good as a movie in my mind, but then it doesn't transfer to paper very well. (Movie-making would be far too expensive a hobby to start.) So thanks again.

Quite welcome, it's a pleasure, and I truly do love reading the NT. :)

Anyways, I feel the same way. Which is actually why I gave writing a try in the first place. I had this movie in my mind, and since I couldn't rightly make a movie myself, and since I loved reading so much, I figured I'd write the story instead. Then, I could also share my love of reading with others, too. Since then, though, I've learned there's a lot more to writing then simply "telling a story," and I keep falling in love with it again and again.

And that paragraph had way to many "since"s and "then"s. -_-

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micrody said:

Adventures of Hungry Skeith: Hunt for the Candychan by twocent
This was a wonderful first piece. It's a bit belated, but congrats on your first piece and welcome to the forum. It's a shame about your account, so I hope your second one doesn't get frozen, too.

The story was very sweet, pun unintentional. I love mint, too, so that made the story even more fun for me to read (even though I'd rather eat a Candy Vampire than a Candychan; as I write this, I'm even nibbling away at candycorn, so...). The tense was a bit sketchy throughout the piece, but otherwise the writing was well-done. The way Hungry Skeith found the Candychan wasn't incredible, but it seemed to fit the story. I also liked that he didn't actually eat it and that he kept Florg from eating it, too. The ending then, was very sweet as well, and this time, I think the pun's intentional. :)

I hope it doesn't get frozen too. I guess I'll just be extra careful.

Thanks for the critique. I'll try to keep those things in mind. I've decided to work on some subsequent adventures of Hungry Skeith (assuming I ever find time admist all my college work), so hopefully, that goes over well. ^^