Post by Kiddo on Dec 20, 2010 23:08:58 GMT -5
I planned to let this day pass like any other. But then I saw a note on my DA account and drifted in and saw that not only had I been remembered but was reminded that I had once (and still do, apparently) inspire. I am touched that my writing has done this. I hope that all of you love what you do and will continue with it. But there's something else I want to say.
Let me put this up-front. I have a very rare movement disorder. It started in my senior year of college. There's a very wide range of what it does, but the simple explanation is it causes me to move. I cannot control my muscles. At its worst I will fall into what looks like a grand mal seizure. I can stop breathing until I faint. I can lay paralyzed for hours. On the good days I'll have merely a tremor in the hands. Or the muscles will spasm and cause me to jerk, or I'll have difficulty walking. It's a daily occurrence. There is no good treatment, no known cause, no known cure, and barely anything known about even diagnosing it. One of my worst triggers is noise. What is merely an annoyance for one person is very dangerous for me. I can no longer do something as simple as shop for groceries on a whim because the store is too noisy and I struggle to walk. The helplessness is horrible. I have nightmares about it. Imagine being trapped in your own body, unable to move under your own power but able to feel and hear and remember everything perfectly - while people stand around wondering what to do or paramedics make mistakes and you can't stop them or perhaps, if you're unlucky enough, someone stands there and complains about how you don't belong.
In the past three years or so I've developed a tendency to try and hide. I am not one to handle weakness very well - look at my Child Dragon character if you want to see that - and having it shoved upon me in the form of this disorder has not been easy to swallow. Given a choice between potentially putting myself in a situation where I'd be helpless among strangers or shunning human contact I've taken the latter.
It's my birthday. I'm 26. I had to learn some really hard lessons after the first time I was taken to the hospital and treated for a seizure that wasn't actually a seizure. Foremost among those lessons is the one I want you to know and remember and never, ever forget. Of all the things you will learn - do this.
Never, EVER, give up.
You've heard it before. But I want to stress just how important this is. It won't guarantee you succeed. It won't make your dreams come true. It may cause you nothing but pain as you get up time and time again after being knocked down.
Do it anyway.
Because beneath all that flesh and bone will be a steel cord that can hold the world together. As I write this my wrists want to curl in on themselves and my shoulders ache with the strain of trying to hold the movement back. There's a little knot in my chest - right beneath the hollow between the collarbones - built from years of despising this weakness and hating myself for every moment I can't overcome the disorder. I'm sure after I get done typing I'll have to lay down and let my back arch and every muscle pull past the point they should tighten. And I'll just have to lie there and wait it out and when it's done I'll get up and go on my way.
Because I have never given myself any other option. I fall. I get up. I hate, I cry, I tremble in fear and call wordlessly for help and get no response. And then I get up.
You'll never get a medal for this, no one will tell you that you've doing the right thing. There is no reward and no recognition. But let me tell you - I have not known beauty until I refused to give up. There's a raw joy in simply being alive and seeing the world for all it is - the good and the bad - is like seeing everything new every day. I find it hard to hate others. I find it easy to love them. I laugh at the simplest things and find beauty in the mundane. There is no great and noble goal I'm fighting for here. Our media glorifies the person that overcomes an obstacle for a single moment of triumph and that is folly. Some things can not be overcome. I cannot stress that enough. Some things can not be overcome - as much as I fight, my disorder will always win in the end. If we only fight to overcome than we strive for an impossible goal.
So I tell you to never give up because what you have right now is worth fighting for. Maybe it's a bit broken. Maybe it's a bit bruised. It is still worth fighting for.
We may never achieve our dreams. We may never accomplish anything of worth. I say that is fine. You are what you are right now and that is a beautiful thing and it is worth fighting for. So never give up, get up when you fall, and if the only life you inspire is your own: than that will be enough.
Let me put this up-front. I have a very rare movement disorder. It started in my senior year of college. There's a very wide range of what it does, but the simple explanation is it causes me to move. I cannot control my muscles. At its worst I will fall into what looks like a grand mal seizure. I can stop breathing until I faint. I can lay paralyzed for hours. On the good days I'll have merely a tremor in the hands. Or the muscles will spasm and cause me to jerk, or I'll have difficulty walking. It's a daily occurrence. There is no good treatment, no known cause, no known cure, and barely anything known about even diagnosing it. One of my worst triggers is noise. What is merely an annoyance for one person is very dangerous for me. I can no longer do something as simple as shop for groceries on a whim because the store is too noisy and I struggle to walk. The helplessness is horrible. I have nightmares about it. Imagine being trapped in your own body, unable to move under your own power but able to feel and hear and remember everything perfectly - while people stand around wondering what to do or paramedics make mistakes and you can't stop them or perhaps, if you're unlucky enough, someone stands there and complains about how you don't belong.
In the past three years or so I've developed a tendency to try and hide. I am not one to handle weakness very well - look at my Child Dragon character if you want to see that - and having it shoved upon me in the form of this disorder has not been easy to swallow. Given a choice between potentially putting myself in a situation where I'd be helpless among strangers or shunning human contact I've taken the latter.
It's my birthday. I'm 26. I had to learn some really hard lessons after the first time I was taken to the hospital and treated for a seizure that wasn't actually a seizure. Foremost among those lessons is the one I want you to know and remember and never, ever forget. Of all the things you will learn - do this.
Never, EVER, give up.
You've heard it before. But I want to stress just how important this is. It won't guarantee you succeed. It won't make your dreams come true. It may cause you nothing but pain as you get up time and time again after being knocked down.
Do it anyway.
Because beneath all that flesh and bone will be a steel cord that can hold the world together. As I write this my wrists want to curl in on themselves and my shoulders ache with the strain of trying to hold the movement back. There's a little knot in my chest - right beneath the hollow between the collarbones - built from years of despising this weakness and hating myself for every moment I can't overcome the disorder. I'm sure after I get done typing I'll have to lay down and let my back arch and every muscle pull past the point they should tighten. And I'll just have to lie there and wait it out and when it's done I'll get up and go on my way.
Because I have never given myself any other option. I fall. I get up. I hate, I cry, I tremble in fear and call wordlessly for help and get no response. And then I get up.
You'll never get a medal for this, no one will tell you that you've doing the right thing. There is no reward and no recognition. But let me tell you - I have not known beauty until I refused to give up. There's a raw joy in simply being alive and seeing the world for all it is - the good and the bad - is like seeing everything new every day. I find it hard to hate others. I find it easy to love them. I laugh at the simplest things and find beauty in the mundane. There is no great and noble goal I'm fighting for here. Our media glorifies the person that overcomes an obstacle for a single moment of triumph and that is folly. Some things can not be overcome. I cannot stress that enough. Some things can not be overcome - as much as I fight, my disorder will always win in the end. If we only fight to overcome than we strive for an impossible goal.
So I tell you to never give up because what you have right now is worth fighting for. Maybe it's a bit broken. Maybe it's a bit bruised. It is still worth fighting for.
We may never achieve our dreams. We may never accomplish anything of worth. I say that is fine. You are what you are right now and that is a beautiful thing and it is worth fighting for. So never give up, get up when you fall, and if the only life you inspire is your own: than that will be enough.
